November's end

My birth month has come to a close. Unfortunately, I didn't blog as much as I should have. I guess this is a sign that i'm less troubled and out of sorts than I was in Ocotober. Hmmm...
My first week back after my mini-vacation pretty much started right back up where I left off. Went to work, choir, school. I took a test the very first day back which was lovely. At least I got a 97% on it. And work was alright. At least I made almost $200 bucks this week. My only problem is that I feel that I shouldn't have to say "at least". It denotes that I'm searching for the silver lining when actually, the dark clouds don't exist. Or shouldn't anyways. I do know one thing: I'm definitely ready for another break. Although, this weekend should be pretty fun. I'm starting off not having to go to school until 1 o'clock. Hence, the time to do this post. Comm. was cancelled which also means no A.P.g companion. It's sort of becoming a non-issue now that I only have 3 weeks left in the sememster.
Then, tomorrow I'm going to a dance performance with my friend. And Sunday will finally mean that I have time to clean and do the mountain of homework that I've been assigned in preparation for finals week. Yep, should be a good weekend.

It's almost 12:34

And I'm waiting to make a wish. Oh wait! There, it changed. I wish for a lot of things. I wish for him to find me. I wish for my next time with my family to come sooner than I expect and last longer than it is. I also wish for tomorrow to go smoothly. I've really enjoyed my stay in Nipomo. Despite not getting to see everyone that I wanted to. And not really getting to see everyone that I got to see for very long. Oh well, Nipomo has an interesting effect on my emotions. By literally returning to a place where I was immature, I have figuratively done so. I'm now in a state of mind that I feel has regressed from where I was in San Francisco. I'm actually somewhat ready to go back....okay, nevermind. Not really, but I suppose I have no choice. I'm ready to go back for certain aspects. I really don't like being the only out gay person in a mile radius. I really don't like not having anywhere to go when I hang out with my friends. But, other than that I wish I could spend more time here, Eat with my family and get flabbier than I've been getting lately. Back to the grind stone. I guess. I'll need to make some more money to recover the horrible spending that I've been doing lately. Oh Yes, my favorite things: Being single in a one-horse town while eating food that is horrible for me and spending obscene amounts of money.

Breaking

I've been breaking pretty intensely. Today I spent a few hours with my GSA Leader/Mentor person. She's amazing and I love her and her family. Then, I spent time with Dad and my sister which was very Fun. I regret not spending more time with them when I had the chance...But, I suppose that's neither here nor there. After spending time with them, I went to "The Sound of Music" which featured my friend from PCPA in a wonderful Leiderhosen/dress ensemble.
Evie (!) and I went to see it and it was actually quite lovely. Despite being terribly cliche, the harmonies were pretty tight.
Up until today, I haven't been really doing much except hanging out with the Familia and Bandrew. Oh, and having a terrible and then alright thanksgiving dinner which I won't discuss save for mentioning the fact that despite a few hitches, my first Thanksgiving made me very thankful. For a lot of things.

Packing!

It's a whirlwind of clothes and containers and all that jazz. Deciding on which outfits and whatnot. All with a pleased sort of glow because I'm going home tomorrow! In 12 hours I will be on the bus, listening to some good music, and getting ready to see mi familia. It's quite wonderful. I don't really know what else to put up here except:


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Buddhism! and the Twin's Birthday

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures to show but, today was a rather eventful one. I went to a Gay Buddhist Meeting for meditation and discussion. The meditation didn't do much for me but, the discussion was enlightening. It's always interesting to get a perspective different than your own. Most of those in attendance do the discussion were old and white. Obviously, not from my demographic. Still, valid things were said. Mainly, the concept of a "true self" and how that true self is connected to everything else. Interesting. I must find out more. Also, have become more interested in Yoga and less interested in the commercial aspects of it. I would like to not have to pay for physical and spiritual enlightenment, thank you very much. All in all, I would say the day was quite productive.
After the meeting, I rode over to Lincoln and 19th to meet the Long Lost Twin for her birthday party! It was fun. We decided on 6 different restaurants, finally stopped at one and ate, then we went to Fort Point. Fort Point was quite amazing. I resolve to go there at least once more. I quite liked it. And the Twin liked her presents. I made her a hat with an N sewed onto the front and a little pom-pom. We listened to music and danced and lit incense. Then we went to the Haight and listened to this jazz combo which REALLY made me want to take out my horn. There was this trumpet player there who was high school aged and actually knew the Twin but, he wasn't too great. His horn was pretty though. All black and really shiny. We also painted each other's faces. I got some interesting black and white embellishments to my features, The Twin got a butterfly. On the way home someone told us we were beautiful. It made me smile on the inside. Speaking of the Twin, we also discovered that we are more alike than we thought, again. She and I can both blow spit bubbles, We both have slender, frog-like hands. And a myriad of other things but, Yes. I had quite a fun experience this Sunday. Unfortunately it must come to an end. I have to go to work tomorrow, I think. I'll call in and check to see. But, I think I'll go anyways. I need the money. The more I think about it, The more I'd like to move out. And seeing as how I get 5 weeks off of school for winter break, I can work more frequently to get the extra cash for a down payment somewhere else. Ah, life would be so much better once I only have myself to worry about. I think that life will simply just get better. It's optimistic, I know. But, I feel that change is coming. And I think I'll like it.

listlistlist

It's quite enjoyable to sit down and hammer out a list. I feel that it gives me a sense of order and neatly contains insurmountable tasks in tiny bullet points. I also learn things about myself. In writing out "Qualities that in a potential Lover" I've realized the only thing that is non-negotiable is that he must like me more than I like him. Hm. I didn't know I was so easy to please.
The List of "Things I want to tell people" was particularly enlightening. I want to tell the A.P.g. companion that I'm sorry, I forgive him and to ask him why okay? *sigh* I'll stick to my path but, I'd still like to know. I want to tell the Roommate that she's greedy and selfish and inconsiderate and I'm moving out after January. One of the things that suprised me the most was that I want to tell myself to stop being such a whore and to FOCUS. Hmm. Interesting
Oh, the listing. It goes on and on. From the empowering "Reasons why I'm a valid human being" to the self-deprecating "Reasons why I'm still single". I've learned a lot from those, too. Mainly that I'm not as conceited as I thought I was but, I still have a long way to go to be modest. And that the reasons I see aren't the reasons that are readily accessible to the general public. One thing: I wish I was more aware of what my heart looks like when I wear it on my sleeve. It could be small and black and shaped funny. It could be covered with thorns and fire. It could have grown three sizes that day. I just don't know. Hm. Again.
I'm sitting here in a cafe that I discovered last weekend eating a rather delicious cookie. My Rooommate decided to cook meat in our very poorly ventilated apartment (again, no consideration. Whatsoever) So, I decided to leave and experience a little city life. Tomorrow will be the Long Lost Twin's birthday party. It's Dress-up and I have the perfect hound's-tooth jacket for the occasion. I'm also debating on whether or not I want to attend the Buddhist meeting. Ah, so much interesting activity going on in The City by the Bay.
I go home in 5 days!

Self-Actualization

According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, human beings most crave to reach the state of one's true potential. We were talking about this hierarchy in Communications today. It seemed really interesting though potentially flawed. At the bottom of the hierarchy are "baser" needs like food and oxygen. Which of course, I somewhat understand. But, what I don't understand are the other needs.While important, some people believe that to varying degrees companionship, power and success, etc. can be categorized quantitatively. Which I personally don't believe to be true. But, for whatever reason, I totally accept self-actualization as the top of the pyramid. Everything I do in life is to reach my potential. Sadly, most of this potential involves the high regard of someone else. I don't like that I depend on other's thoughts so much. But, it can't be helped, I suppose.
Wow. This blog wasn't planned to turn out like this. I guess it sort of got away from me and turned it an intellectual rant/contemplation. Oh well, I guess I can deal with that. To bring it back to reality, I have to say that I'm quite excited: I got a B on the American Indian studies project I turned in, I had a LOT of fun on Thursday night, It wasn't too uncomfortable being in Comm. with the A.P.g. companion, My mommy sent me a package, and I get to GO HOME on wednesday!!!
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To Do

I wonder what my To Do list says about me. A lot of things, probably. Today is my last day of solitude. The Roommate gets back from her slightly interrupted month of temper tantrum tomorrow. I did a little bit on my list. The problem is that I included long term in with my short term. Now, I'll have to wait for a few weeks until I'm able to cross off everything. Oh, but what a sense of order it will bring! I'm quite excited to finish it. Anyways, it goes as follows:

1. Change/Add Major Form
2. Meeting with Kilgard
3. Meet with GLAM steering committee *
4. Make Change!
5. Clean the apartment
6. Do dishes
7. Practice the trumpet
8. Music Theory Homework
9. Attend AIS field trip....boo
10. Track down Philosophy
11. Make appointment with G.E. Advisors *
12. Build more perfect schedule *
13. Go into detail about each item on list " * "
14. Work out and stretch
15. Tell Jaedon I Can't
16. Regroup
17. Return CB
18. Attend Buddhist Meeting
19. Make Something

I've completed items 5, 6, 7, and 15. I'm working on 19 after this post. I've started everything that I can. It will be wonderful once it's over.

WANT.

This is a picture of some random people's to do lists. I went to this list/book reading at a rather sultry cafe where the editor of a compilation and analysis of lists was holding a release party. It was rather interesting and caused a lot of introspection. With my overly analytical mind, I noticed several things which I shall naturally list for you:

1. I focus on myself a lot

2. Usually this focus is not positive

3. I would like to broaden my perspective

4. I like the sense of order/control that making lists gives me

That's pretty much the tip of a very small iceberg. I'd like to discuss #1 in depth, however.

I focus on what I want a lot. Hence, the title of this blog. I WANT. all the time.

I walk down the street. I see a cute guy. I DESIRE him.

I'm in a store. I see a cool outfit. I COVET it.

I'm thinking about life. I WANT so much.

I want to do, see, experience, have, make

I think what I should focus on is not what I want. But, rather on what is needed. Not necessarily by me, although that is important. I should focus on what the world needs. What my peers need. What is needed for everyone in general. This is a rather abstract view and is strange for me to think about; most likely because of my typically self-centered way of being. I'm in a rather strange mood. Good, kind of. I spent some time enjoying the life of San Francisco and smiling at random strangers. It was wet and my feet were soaking. Somehow, it didn't seem to bother me.

Interesting

I've made it past the 100 post mark. I should think that I'm quite accomplished. It's also interesting that I'm here blogging before school. I simply love the fact that i had to get up at 7 today. Wow. Words that I never thought I would type. But, I really enjoyed the extra hours of sleep. I woke up at 5 this morning and noticed what time it was. Then I went back to SLEEP. yes! I think it's funny that I can appreciate such small things now. It used to be that sleeping in past 10 was cool but, not something to luxuriate over. Now, I'm lucky if I wake up after 8 o'clock. The things you learn about yourself when you become all "grown-up". Now, I'm going to get ready for school. Or actually, I think that I'm going to go to school dressed as I am: Pajamas, Les Miz shirt, and the purple beanie that Mom got me. My "I don't care what I look like" ensemble. T'was carefully crafted. True story.

I can't have it both ways.

But, of course some people do go both ways. I notice that I am happy with nothing to write about. Actually, that is not true. More accurately, I have nothing to write about when I am happy. Notice, last month my inscriptions were proliferous. This month, as happy as it has begun, has begun to cause my musing to dwindle. It's not as though I don't have as many thoughts. Maybe it's just that I think they aren't as worthy? Or that when I am melancholy, my introspeciton yields more fruitful ideas? Hmmm...
I notice at present more than ever the balance in my life. It is so obviously here. I had a happy weekend, a mediocre week beginning and now my week is becoming less than wonderful. I fear that I am going to have to quit LYRIC. It's too much to handle. It makes me feel like I've failed something. Even though I know that logistically what I set out to do was nearly impossible. I fear that I am going back on my word. I have attempted to better my life and sever myself fromt the Attractive Play going companion but, again: Not so sure. I won't talk to him. And it's most likely that he won't talk to me. Moot point. I can't have it both ways.
I want to be happy and lead a successful life. But, for some reason, I find that teenage angst while I can still "enjoy" it is much easier. It's less of a struggle to be melancholy. I suppose it's just the person that I am. I'm finally "Okay", I believe. Okay in the most connotative sense of the word. I'm alright. Fine. Not great. Not bad. Just Okay.

The anniversary of my birth

Here is a picture taken from the bus on the way home from a delicious breakfast. Breakfast wrap with spicy potatoes...quite palatable. Yemmm...

So, after the excursion in the haight, we went thrift shopping. I got a few shirts and such. She got a few outfits, too. It was fun. Tomorrow, she's going to come visit me at school and I'm going to show her around. The reason I'm up so late is because I drank coffee and boba throughout my day. Well...more like I had sips of coffee and boba. I don't know why I'm so susceptible to caffeine. Oh, well. I'm going to start off my week tired as fuck. That's okay. I should probably get to sleep pretty soon. Or actually finish this blog now because it will only be my birthday for another few minutes. Gotta post! hahah

Reuniting with my homeland

So, I was searching for the top floor. I kept looking and looking. Finally, I found an escalator. I was on the phone at the time but, as I hung up, there she was. With my little brother in her arms. There she was! It was a joyous reunion. We caught up on a lot of things while my brother fidgeted. We rode the bus home and walked up the hill of death. She admired my pad and gave me a couple little birthday presents. And now we're sitting and talking and Life is alright.

Fridays are hard

Just draining. Taxing emotionally, physically, and mentally...
Bleh. Unfortunately, this is the only word in my vocabulary to accurately and succinctly describe how I feel in this moment. But, it will get better right? It has to: my Mom is coming up here to visit me for my birthday! If that's not happy news, I don't know what is. I've been using it to cheer myself up today. Most of my experiences today were rather trying. I went to Communications. The class that has my Attractive play going companion. Not too much fun. I'm fairly sure it's not going to stop until I never see him again. As in, I have to wait until next semester until my irrational emotions come under control of my logical mind. Then, Concert Music was canceled. I went to AIS and handed him my paper. I'm worried about my grade in that class. GAHHH! Fucking General Ed.
And Finally, to round out my stressful day my supervisor called me to tell me that he wasn't going to be present for an interview we were supposed to conduct, but to go ahead and do it anyways. So, another intern and I had to fill in for him. It actually went okay but, I'd really rather it have not happened.. Actually, I'd really rather life just be easier. That would be okay with me.
I was listening to a Palestinian woman give a speech today. She had a beautiful accent. She said "Homeland is here.It's sometimes in your heart. You can take it with you"
I firmly believe in this. I think that once I see my mother, I will definitely be able to handle being away from my homeland, if only for a little while longer.

There must be some significance

in the fact that apparently day light saving time ends on my birthday. It might mean the beginning of a new cycle. It might mean that something must change. It might mean that I read WAY too much into things. Mostly, I think I'm going to have to turn a new life. I'm going to be a legal adult. It's going to change so much. I will no longer be a precocious little scamp. It's going to change some things. But, all in all I believe a lot of it will ultimately remain the same. Like today, I went to work, came home, took a nap, went back to work and came home again to write a paper on the Shoshone Indians (incidentally not as much fun as it sounds)
A lot of the same shit happens. I was frustrated today at the bank. I have a lack of sleep thing going on. I'm not sure that I'm going to get an A on this paper even though I think I deserve it. I might get to see my Mom (FUCK YEAH), I collected all the money for Rent but, didn't see my landlord today. My Russian Friend and I didn't hang out. I realized that I'm quite close to Thanksgiving break. Can't wait. Can't wait for something different to happen. Maybe this Sunday will prove to be the dawning of a New Era.