These last 52 weeks

Were, to be completely honest, very difficult for me. 

Here's to hoping that 2010 is ridden with ease and grace and fun. I like those things.

I'm going to say that this year made me stronger and ultimately more capable. But, it wasn't without a struggle. Or not so much a struggle as a bitter ass-kicking. Anyways, I don't have much to say about 2009 other than that it was hard and a lot of things happened. I mean, it was a whole year. Incidentally there were 3 Friday the 13ths in it. That, I think, counts for something. I look at my list of goals that I set out to accomplish and find that not all of them have lines through them. Oh well, there's still 6 hours left. Who knows? 

Peace to everyone

: ]

And....Stop.

I have all of this free time now. My last final was yesterday and after I took it I found out that all I needed to pass class was basically to write my name on a blue book and hand it in. I've been pseudo-breaking up until this point because of that one looming obligation but now I can reeeeelax. in full. I went out on Thursday (gasp!) I slept in almost every day this week (shock and awe!) and generally find life pleasant, currently (Aieeee!)

It's true.  

Hello, Depression

I've been expecting you. 

There's a reason they call this dead week, folks. My life HUUURRRTTTSSSS right now. Wah, wah, wah. Whine, grovel, moannnnn. I hate everything. Even puppies. 

So, yeah. that's that. Just spent hours studying for a test on which I'm going to do poorly. Not doing assignments that are due. I don't think I can handle this but that's okay. Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to pass all of my classes. And even if I don't, that's okay. 

Shhhh, inner voice, Shhhh

I'm alright. Or not, but I will be. 

Did I have fun?

Yep.

Will I have fun?

Yep.

Am I having fun now? Well.....that's going to be a resounding NOPE.

School is almost over. I've essentially given up at everything. I doubt I'm going to retain my job, I'm not going to get an A in that unreasonable history class. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that winter break will be eventful. And mostly eventful in a good way, hopefully. 

So, that's about it as of now. I'm thinking of maybe considering the possibility of contemplating quitting school. It's that bad lately. No motivation and stuff. Oh well.

Oh, and I have a mohawk now. win? 

Toga Times Three

Tonight was the third night I've worn a toga. Wow. I'm really glad I just typed that sentence. Also, I went to safeway after (and during) said instance of toga wearing to buy the most magnifcent of all drinks: Eggnog. That is right. And I imbibed the Eggnog on public transportation in the thrice worn toga and it was glorious. These are reasons why my life is still worth living. Just checking. I need hugs. Hugs from boys, hugs from girls. Hugs from family and friends. Also cookies. Goodness, I'm tired. 

Not feelin' it

So, i think this post is different than my usual whiney rant. Or maybe not but, whatever. Nothing is wrong. It was my birthday on wednesday. I'm no longer a teenage dirtbag, baby. I'm doing okay in my classes, I think. I haven't been fired yet. That's pretty much where I'm at. I'm pretty sure I'm just not getting out of bed. Maybe not going to school for a few days will make me feel better. Oh, who am I kidding? I know I'll just drudge, drudge, drudge until December 20th. Oh well, only 44 for more days. And even less than that because of Thanksgiving break and furlough days. Yay

Tried out Trumpets

That went well. Although it might mean that I have to either buy

a new better trumpet or stick with my current (too-bright) trumpet. Neither of which are entirely appealing. Other than that I bought a costume today and Studied like a mutha'

I also finished an epic essay. And another essay.

And a response to some essays my peers wrote (kind of poorly)

So, my Sexual Identities and Communications professor appreciates my contributions in class. So much so, that she thinks I might have potential as her instructional assistant next year. That was a really awesome compliment, I think. The guy who is the TA for our class right now is a genius. If she thinks I can hang with him, I know I'm at least trying to do something right. 

And that's that. I'm still studying a bit for this Music history test that I'm probably not goingt to do that well on. And getting ready for my week. I'm really glad today was a furlough day even though it means that the California Government is fucking up. It's the little things, ya know?

Feeling

exhausted. And somewhat unloved or unwanted or unworthy or something. Which I know isn't true but it is what it is. 

Today unfolded as any other might have. I had a midterm which I did well on. I practiced, got my phone replaced, did lots of homework in between classes, didn't go to work and had a performance that could have probably gone better. I feel kind of like I'm being reminded at every turn what I am not and what I don't have. I guess I'll just have to reinterpret the signals I'm being sent. Those people I need to validate myself? Not real or necessary. Having a tough time tonight but I suppose it will change. I guess I'll just keep going. 

All I want to do is practice

That's it. Not do homework or go to work. Just practice and improve my sound. I'm really motivated right now, which is frustrating because I have all of this stuff in the way. I really just want to improve my musicianship. I'm learning more and more that I'm definitely not where I need to be. I can get in a couple hours here and 45 minutes there. It's not enough. Thank goodness for the weekends and 5 hours a day of open practice rooms. Unbothered. Just me and my horn. 

Still alive

I wrote in my journal today. First time in almost two weeks. Where does the time go? 

Ugh. My lips are chapped. And I have a lesson tomorrow. I spent all day practicing. Strangely enough I can still make some good sounds with this affliction. My face hurts

People called me today. It was nice enough I suppose, but draining. I don't think I'm good at this being a real, live person thing. 

I'm content. 

Pick up the slack

I've been soooo busy. I can't stress how strange it's been not having the time to write, or call home, or relax. Anyways, I don't think I want to flesh this out into a full post. Just know that I'm not dead and trying to keep things going as smoothly as possible. Since my last post I have

Practiced (a LOT because I have a hardcore new teacher)

Studied

Worked

Registered for all of my 20 units

Been immensely frustrated by the 20th century theory class that I'm taking

Gotten the highest grade in the class on my aural exam for Music history

Purchased a pair of Tom's shoes

Received the good news that Blue eyes is going to make a double visit to the bay area in October

Received the bad news that my grandmother thinks that she's going to be able to stay in the 5 cities area

Been emotionally drained by talking to my mother about our lives

Barely spoken to my father

Gone on facebook a lot

Sung beautiful music

been told by my ear training teacher (in front of the class!) that I have a beautiful bass voice

tweaked my back from running

Been prescribed painkillers

Not gone to the gym

Gotten tested for HIV

and that's about it. In response to the question "How is it going?"

I usually reply "It's going"

I guess it's better than "It's stopping" Probably. I don't really know. I've never stopped before.

Beauty

"The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason."

-John Cage

I just thought that this was quite poignant. I've been really into John Cage's music lately. Which, I suppose is bad because I should be listening to music from the Early Middle Ages to prepare for that loathesome aural exam. By my subjective standards, I would describe today as a less than spectactular day. I started the essay for both Music History and Sexualities and Communications. I really feel like I'm getting a lot out of those classes but, somehow can't make it translate through my writing. UGH. This is why I'm a Music Major. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture....

Grumpy

Here I am, on a glorious 5 day long weekend with almost nothing to do. You would think that I'd be able to enjoy it, yes? Well, for whatever reason, I in a less than spectacular mood. Oh well...

I would like to go to the gym, pick up some books for school and then hang out with Blue eyes. However, I'm here essentially immobile because my back hurts from running yesterday and he is unfortunately 2,908 miles away. I think that my only valid course of action is to stay in bed and occasionally tweak my way into the kitchen to consume some of the free pastries (eh? eh?) that I got from work on thursday. Such is my life...

First Day of School!

I'm here getting ready for the first day of school. I went to bed incredibly early last night so I, unprompted, woke up at 6am. I've chosen to rock a white bow tie for the fist day to make an impression on all of my teachers. haha. 

Seriously, though this semester is going to be fun, I think. Other than my Music History class. Also, I kind of wish this week would happen a little later as it cuts down on hanging out time with a certain blue eyed boy. Oh well, c'est la vie. 

So, I'm nervous, a little unintelligible and excited to begin. Bring it, Fall '09!!

My Inaugural Vlog!

Awesome night.

Basically, one of the most fun nights I've ever had in San Francisco. Spent the majority of it on a date with a Blue-eyed boy. He's nice. But, oh so geographically unnattractive. Still, I'm taking the advice of a woman far wiser than I in that I'd like to take it at a snail's pace. We'll go for coffee and whatnot but just because I think I like him a lot does not mean that I'm going to repeat past mistakes. Blue eyes and I spent hours walking around the city at night. Too bad the Perseid meteor shower was obscured by the ubiquitous san francisco fog. After we stopped hanging out, I randomly walked into a friend from school who was heading to a party, which turned out to be a little bit too much for me to handle. But, it was all good. The most hilarious part of my evening was prior to meeting up with her, though. A (presumably) homeless person was standing by the change machines in the underground. I withdrew a dollar from my pants to make change when he grunted at me and offered 4 quarters. I quizzically took the 4 quarters and reached into my wallet again to find another dollar only to repeat the process. After he changed my dollars, I walked away thanking him as politely as I could. Then he waved me back and extracted a muni ticket from his pocket. He gave it to me and without another word, grunted off in another direction. It was definitely the strangest thing I've seen in a while. I arrived home around 3am that night, wrote in my journal and fell asleep thinking about Blue eyes and the kindness of strangers. 

New Chapter

So, this past week I purchased a new journal. Then, I realized they had overcharged me for it and went back and got a refund for the difference. I feel like that act, something I usually wouldn't really do, marks a change. I have a new journal. A new semester is coming up. I (probably) have a new job. New, new, new. I'm loving the changes right now. 

My journal is smaller so that I may carry it around in my pocket. It's also entirely blank on the inside so that lines don't stifle any sort of mixed media creativity I might have. I foresee a multitude of pleasant events to be written down in this journal. The last edition was waaaayy too unhappy. I'll change that. 

So, on the lucky 7th day of august, I wrote my first inscription. The 8th, I met up with Dwyn(!) for a going away party. The 9th was a restful day although I did manage to hang out with a friend at his house for a few hours. And today I suppose I'll see where life takes me.

f,ml is amazing

You may have noticed that my posts have stopped coming as freely as they once did. I feel like every time life is pleasant for me, I stop blogging as regularly. My life has been rather great, lately. I don't know why but for some reason I feel an overwhelming sense of "okayness" with unpleasant things that are going on. I'm into the whole boundless optimism thing right now. Positive things in my life right now include: fixed class schedule, easy Job, fun friends, oh and I just had dinner at the most AMAZING vegan restaurant ever in the lower haight called Herbivore. Sooooo delicious. I suppose I would usually question why I'm so happy right now but I'll just take it as it comes. More, please and thank you!

Regression

So, I'm back in San Francisco. I suppose it feels like home as much as anything nowadays. In some ways I feel as comfortable as I did back in Nipomo and Orcutt. While at home I found myself returning to an earlier stage in my life. I sort of became the me that I was in high school but, upon coming back it didn't really wear off. I now feel like I've just graduated and am waiting for my first year at SFSU to start even though I'm a senior...Weird.

I thought about how wonderful it would be to start freshly with all of the experience I have and not make the same mistakes. I guess that's the point of making them, though. To learn...

I wandered around San Francisco this weekend. I somehow ended up near 2704, the Daly City Apartment and my second apartment before winding up at home. It was a big walk down memory lane. Complete with the waves of creepy Jack the Ripper Fog that I've grown accostumed to living in San Francisco. Every little memory walked with me as I shivered through the freezing mist. Like Jack himself, my past continues to haunt me. Ugh. Okay, now that's depressing. I'm going to stop that now. Okay? Go!

The rest of the summer is going to be amazing. I'm going to hang out with friends and enjoy quiet time to myself. I foresee the month I have until school starts as a good time to: 

Exercise

Practice

Make friends/strengthen friendships/Start a relationship

Write and Create

NOT focus on bad things. 

I can't wait. 

JayBrannanJayBrannanJayBrannan!!! <3

Okay, all fangirling and drooling aside, I simply adore this performer. I went to his concert on Friday at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco.

It was amazing. Even though the first act was a little subpar. The second act was alright but at that time I was ready to see Jay. Also, there were a disproportionately large number of attractive young men there. Go figure. I really loved the whole thing. Despite the fact that I ended up wandering around San Francisco at midnight because it went waaaaayy longer than I thought it would and past when MUNI and BART are running. Still, I adore this performer. 

Just Be.

I'm far more interested in the here and now than anything else, I think. At least that's what works for me. I'm not going to say it's a mistake to focus on the future or the past (because I don't know).

I've been sitting here in my Dad's house in Orcutt, trying to get some motivation to do something other than eat. I'm here for another week and I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I've reached a sort of impasse: I don't want to go back to SF and I don't want to stay here. I suppose I should either make a third option or be alright with what's currently happening. That seems to be my course of action as of late. I don't hate my life because it's mine and I'm living it. Still, am I doing anything to change what I don't like about it? Am I, by accepting my life as it is, further perpetuating the unpleasant? If I'm okay with being single, with not practicing or working out, with being poor, am I setting myself up? I guess that little voice in my head that says "what if it doesn't happen? What if I try and fail?" is the only thing keeping me from truly wanting to change those things. Gods, I'm neurotic. 

Hm. Just breathe. Be. Breathe. 

Transitions

I hoped to strategically avoid the transition out of 223 W. Dana by showing up the day after the deadline. No such luck...There's apparently a 5 day grace period that we didn't know about. So, I'm still at home in Nipas for another 3 days...trying to help my mom do productive things although I simply don't know what to do. Everything is being handled so ineffectively. I don't know what to do and I can' t find a middle ground between not supporting what is happening and supporting my mother. I want to help but it is both literally and figuratively beyond me. It's frustrating and dismaying to the extreme that this reminds me a lot of 2704. When is this going to end? I thought all bad things do, eventually. It would seem that they take a lot longer to end than pleasant things. Hopefully, we'll be done with this soon and everything will be better. I'm not going to hold my breath, though. 

If there is no happy ending

make one out of cookie dough. 

I think I might have had a vision last night. It was kind of very strange, so bear with me. It was largely about "10 things I hate about you". I may or may not have been Julia Stiles...(I know, weird) 

Anyways, my perspective shifts and I see a couple hugging and facing the same direction. It might have been Julia Stiles or me again, and we seemed distant from the guy hugging us. He has curly, dark brown hair. And then my perspective shifts again and he's looking up at me and I can't see his eyes because his hair is in the way. He smiles at me and then I see/hear/read the words

"And you'll finally be Happy."

At this point, I may have started crying. In my waking life or the dream. I'm not really sure because I was kind of in between the two which is why I say it was a vision and not a dream. Anyways. I don't know what it means and I don't know what to think about it. It is what it is, I guess. 

It brings up all kinds of thought, though. Who was he? WTF Julia Stiles? Why would I cry at that? Does this mean I'm not happy now? WAIT. Am I unhappy right now? ....I don't' know. I guess not. I've been doing the optimism/positivity thing for a while but, it's too soon for me to be familiar with it. I did the other thing for 19 years, this way of being is new to me. And who is this guy to tell me if I'm happy? I'LL decide when that happens, thanks. Now to find the eggs, milk, sugar and chocolate chips...

You say good start

I say perfect ending.  So many things beginning and ending for me. I'm starting to work out again, starting the last week of school, starting to feel better. These are all wonderful things that I'm very grateful for. The stuff that is ending is all good as well, I suppose. Change is always good. Or necessary at least. The one thing that proves to be kind of difficult is 223 W. Dana. I knew transitioning out of it would be a long and arduous process. Now, the addition of hard and/or soft deadlines, the careful manipulation/saving of my grandmother's sovreignty, and concurrent planning of a trip home while sick and during finals week are all proving to be as messy as you would imagine them to be. I feel like this is the stopper at the bottle of something wonderful. It's actually a bigger, twistier cork than I thought it would be but eventually I'll get it out and drink sweetly.

Newest addition to my room

Here it is. In all of it's Deskly glory. I didn't realize how huge a transition it was or how much I was resisting it until it almost literally fell into my lap. This innocuous piece of furniture means: I'm here. I'm staying. I might go other places but this room will be where I return to for a long while. I've been living off/out of two sizeable blue totes that kept me satisfied as far as storage and surface space are concerned. But, no more! Now all I need to find is a chair....I suppose one of the blue totes will serve another purpose for a little while, at least.

The reason I have this new friend is because one of my very close friends moved back to Southern California for 2 months before she moves to England. I'm very sad that she's gone (although not as much as she is) and her presence will be sorely missed. May the desk in the corner of my room live on in her legacy! hahaha

Independence

A quality that I find admirable. 

self-sustaining

uncontrolled

self-reliant

autonomous

On your own. Today is the day we celebrate the history of the United States and all of the far reaching, slightly appalling events that accompany it. I can't go out and party (the american way)

because I've been sick for the past week. So, I sit at home and consider what it means for me to be independent. I have no need of anyone but myself. I suppose that's remarkable. I've been on my own since I was 17, with only vestigial ties to a place I can call home. Now, that place has dissolved in a bureacratic quicksand with it's frantic survivors trying to fall where they may land. It's draining for me to watch, to hear about it from a distance without being able to actually do anything. And to have no knowledge (but a vague certainty) of what's going to happen after the 8th. It's all going to be over soon. This blasted sickness, the housing stress...I hope. 

Heal

myself 

from all this sicky grossy badness

from any lingering negativity that may be lurking around 

from anything that isn't absolutely wonderful for me.

This is all that I put out into the Universe. Strange topic to be writing about this late. But, I can't sleep because my roommate is watching The Little Mermaid in Italian (Croatian?) and I guess I'm not tired enough to fall asleep just yet. Urgh. I'd like to go out and live life. Tomorrow, if possible. Should be a fun one. 4th of July and all that. Whoo

Double dipping

So, I find that I have nothing to do. Still. Why not blog? I never do it twice in one day. Today seems like a perfect one to do it. I find myself in a very strange place. One minute, I'm okay. Next minute, I'm doubled over clutching my abdomen. Not so much okay. It also relates to my outlook on life. This month is going to be a very good one, I can tell. But I seem to lose sight of that when it feels like a family of wooly mammoths is trying to claw its way out of my stomach. Oh well. It's better than it was yesterday. And I feel like I should be able to go to sleep soon and get through the whole night. I'm lazing about and it would be fabulous if not for the weakened-kitten-with-polio feeling that courses through every muscle in my body. Sigh...

Tea is wonderful. 

So I'm kind of incoherent

Which means: 

Poetry!

Sick, Sick Poetry.

Okay, here goes. 

Pain shoots through my abdomen

Death opens the door says "come in" (eh?eh?)

Snotty, pussy grossness and yuck

Brain in different places like "What the fuck?"

Nothing to do but change my facebook status

Snowflakes form in a crystal lattice (it's a stretch, yes)

I wish this would be over so I could exercise

At all the unfairness, tears come from my eyes

I haven't practiced in 2 whole days

This shit is fucked up in various ways

I know it''s true when I say that "This too shall pass"

Until then I do nothing but sit on my ass

: [

Joo Lie

It's coming. 

It's coming.

It's coming.

July, in all of it's wondrous glory, shall soon be upon us. I take this opportunity to write one last blog for June; to bid farewell to everything that happened. Goodbye Gay Pride, Mom's Birthday, Trip home. Hello 4th of July, (another) Trip home, end of Summer school. I look forward to everything that I know will happen and everything that I think might happen. According to my horoscope everything is looking forward (like it wasn't already). Last week I was supposed to "loosen my inhibitions". This week, I am supposed to "Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you've had since your last mudwrestle with the angel." Oh, Rob Brezny. You never cease to provide entertainment, if nothing else. 

One thing on a serious note: I noticed, when talking to friends, how strangely I feel about relationships in general. Platonic relationships are strange beings. I have come to evaluate and treasure mine moreso in the past half a year. Romantic relationships are legitimate pursuits, yes? So why do I feel so opposed to them? Then again, I guess I have to make an announcement a la Sasha Cagen, the creator of quirkyalone.net

http://quirkyalone.net/index.php/2009/06/21/the-truth-about-me-and-quirkyalone-ten-years-later/

Like Sasha, I must admit that I too would enjoy a relationship (who wouldn't  and more importantly, how can they not?) I am staunchly opposed to seeking happiness in another person, or being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, or being in a relationship when it isn't the absolute best thing for me at the time. So, I still find myself quirky and alone. He's not going to fall out of the sky and whisk me away. I'm okay by myself, right? I would have to say that the thing that I dislike about them so much is that everyone seems to need to be in one so much. This I simply can't abide by. Sure, If one comes along, it comes. But if it doesn't I must be okay without it. There isn't really an alternative to that is there? One question I haven't found an answer for: Why do I want one? 

hmmmm...if the answer can't be found, the matter is something I don't have a definitive opinion about. It's maddening. Oh well, life will continue whether or not I know how I feel. 

Proud, I guess.

Here is the giant Disco ball at the Pink Party. This weekend was very, very eventful. In every sense of the word. I hung out with friends from Davis, danced a lot, Partied a lot, and Slept....not so much. So much gayness in a very small timeframe/area. I did NOT act like a slut at all. Something I'm somewhat proud of. I did, however ditch a few friends who apparently wanted to hang out with me. Something I feel less than proud of...

Oh well, Life keeps happening I guess. I ended Sunday after going out until 2am with a sort of calm, reflective melancholy. I find myself slipping more and more into that mood as time passes. It's better than raging at life for not going exactly as I hoped/planned/expected.  And it's not so bad. I'm enjoying Life. Just thinking about things. Don't worry. I'm good : ]

Fun Fun Fun Fun

All the time. Every day. That's how I like it and that's how it should be. hee hee. 

So, I've been listening to Regina Spektor's new album, which is pretty much amazing.

I've been hanging with friends and going to the gym and enjoying my free time. Doing well in my class and all that jazz. 

This weekend is Pride. You know how I'm going to celebrate? Going out. Every single night. Starting now. 

Tonight: Club. 

Tomorrow night: Sleep-over.

 Saturday night: Party.

 Sunday night: Club

Indeed. Today was already fun and it's only going to get better. I hung out with Dwyn and some friends and had some adventures. Now, tonight begins more fun. Dancing and all that stuff. I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. Happy times abound, yes? 

Who am I?

shall I condemn this man to slavery?

Pretend I do not feel his agony?

This innocent who wears my face and goes to judgement in my place...

Who am I? 

oh, Les Miserables. So poignant and topical. So rock n roll. 

But seriously. I've been struggling with this question (as we all must) and have yet to come up with a satisfying answer. I think that's kinda the point. Part of me is someone who needs a satisfying answer for every question I can come up with. I think that's where a lot of my dissatisfaction comes from. I want to know what I want. I want to know if it's okay that I want some things that are just...stupid. And unnecessary. I wish that I didn't want so much. And there it is. If only I could be satisfied with what I have presently. But then, for the most part I am. I'm pretty much content and rational to the point of boredom. But I'm not boring. hm.

I've been reading a lot. Right now it's The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra. There's a lot of stuff in there. Apparently I am no one. And everyone. 

This is my whiteboard

It's like my window to the universe. Or my window to myself. Or maybe both because it's really the same thing...

Anyways. It's magic right now. Because whatever I write on it gets done. I wrote 

"Lock Door!"

"Feel Infinite" 

"Take Out Trash"

"...And you're still aweseome."

True that. 

I went to the library today. Checked out The Perks of Being a Wall flower and read it all in a couple hours. So gooooood. I can definitely empathize with the main character quite a bit. I only wish our lives were a little bit more simple. Or maybe not. It's all part of some fucked-up beautiful process that some days makes me want to kill myself and most days makes me want to sing. 

Dream Dream Dream

If only blogging and text in general could have melody... The title of this post is supposed to go the tune of the Everly Brothers' "All I have to do is Dream". Go ahead, sing it for yourself : ]

Anyways, I've been having some really intense dreams as of late. I can't remember all of the details but, I KNOW there's a lot going on there. The first involved me discovering a baby deer the size of a hamster to show my little brother and then happening upon a battle of witches that looked like contestants from America's Next Top Model. This last one was kind of a nightmare in which it was discovered that a five star restaurant I happened to be eating at was actually promoting cannabalism. I don't know why it scared everyone in my dream so much but, I also vaguely remember getting into an argument with my sister and earning the nickname "Brazil". Strange. 

I've also been reading Deepak Chopra, who is both easier and more difficult to understand than I thought. I seem to have started the Lessons that I have read so far already, before even opening the book. One chapter particularly resonates with me (so much so that I would have opened it directly to that page because it's pertinent) that I can't stop thinking about it. It's all about consciousness and awareness and intelligence. This whole thing seems to be a random collection of information and energy and I only have to exist within it. Though I have to ask the question : Am I dreaming of the witches and cannibals or are they dreaming of me? 

Contentment

So, I've been doing what i've been doing. 

Going to school, Going to the gym, practicing my face off. I have a few goals and I'm working towards them as dilligently as I can. This must be what contentment feels like.  How funny that I'm striving for something in the future and yet sporadically being okay in the moment. As long as I'm relatively okay. I'm aware that this time in my life will be one I will look back and be very, very thankful that I have the time and space to being working so hard at stuff that I want to accomplish. Maybe it's the fact that I don't have to work. Maybe it's the climate. All I can say is that even though I'm not ecstatic to be alive, I'm okay with this. 

Better Myself?

So, I started this idea that I'm going to better myself every day over the summer. I'm going to read and study and work out and practice and enjoy my life. That sounded like a pretty good idea until I thought about it. Better Myself? Really? That would imply that I am somehow not good enough. Or that I'm somehow not where I need to be. Which is preposterous, really. I like me just as I am, thanks.

So, here I am. Not the smartest, the strongest or fastest. I'm not ripped or the world's best trumpet player. Nah, I'm just chillin' with my bro. Eating cookies back in Nipas. Just fine. 

Also, too, in addition. My family is without internet and very soon to be without home. If you're reading this and happen to have a spare moment, give them some kind thoughts/energy/love, please? If anyone who happens to live at 223 W. dana at the moment is reading this...well, I love you.

New life, Change, Birth and Rebirth

It was my Mama's birthday yesterday. Wow, was it only yesterday...?
I view this period of our lives as an opportunity to change for the better.
So many things are changing. In huge ways.

Happy Birthday, Mom! This year is going to be a good one!

The last trip "Home"

strange and bittersweet to think that this was the last time I will ever visit the physical manifestation of home. The CSBK will come to foreclose on July 8th (if not sooner) and after that, our domicile will be no more. I hung out with La Familia and friends. We went to LA to see a badly written independent film. I gained weight. I unfortunately didn't get to see my sister graduate, I went to Farmer's Market, and drove around. Kind of anti-climactic.

My time

there seems to be a demand for it, now that I'm in Nipomo. I'm hanging out with as many people as I can. Sadly, I'm also not practicing or running like I thought I would once I returned to my hometown. I wish I had a camera to post pictures and such. This is my first post of June. It's not very exciting...but I like it that way. The "exciting" posts seem to only happen when I'm depressed. I like where I am right now in comparison to where I have been. It hasn't been good for me to focus on what was or what will be. So, now I think I will be thankful that I'm here, seeing people that I love and enjoying this company and space that I'm lucky to have.

Interlude

I seek a brief respite from...well...not much.
I'm sick. I went to a party and yelled over music a little too much and now my voice hurts. I'm all stuffy and I'm not going to the gym or anywhere else because my body kind of hurts and I'm cold. Bleh.
Oh well, tomorrow I'm going home! The last time before we must leave the house and my last physical tie to Nipomo is gone forever. Hmmm. I'm really looking forward to it, as bittersweet as it may be.
And then when I come back, my life starts again in San Francisco. Hopefully I'll be no longer sick. Other than that I look forward to what the future may hold.

I seem to be

one of those people that goes out. I've done it nearly every night this week. It's kind of amazing. Oh, to be a normal teenager. Is this what it's like? Because I rather enjoy it.

: ]

A lot of fun things have happened. One of the not-so-fun but, exhilarating things that happened was that I became a fugitive on the run from MUNI police. I've taken to riding public transportation without a pass which can lead to a ticket in most cases. But, after a run in with a boy in blue at Powell station, some quick thinking and even quicker feet saved me from the loathsome fate of paying a ridiculous chunk of money to the city of San Francisco. Ha!
Afterwards, my Wife and I went out clubbing, ran into some friends and left early to catch the last train back home. T'was fun.
So, the days are usually: Practicing, Gymming, And then hanging out with friends. Good times.

I have everything I need

And a lot of the things that I want.
I flashed on that today as I walked home from the grocery store. It's comforting, a little. Of course something inside me screams out about everything that I want and don't have. But, it's really not about getting those things because as soon as I do, something else will rise to take their place as another unattainable thing to strive for. Funny how my life is working out at the moment. It may regress but, I don't see anything in the future and anyways I'd like to live in the moment. It's a lot easier to realize that life isn't so bad now that life isn't so bad.

Summer days

Each one is its own isolated event. It's kind of interesting. I definitely feel as though the previous, unpleasant chapter of my life has closed. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Case in point: I've taken to practicing and going to the gym every day. While these things don't necessarily mean anything about my quality of life in the future, they do mean that I am working towards goals that I would like to achieve and not just wallowing miserably waiting for something good to happen. I'd like to avoid that, if possible.
I've also started hanging out with friends. There are so many hours in the day when you don't have to work! It's quite refreshing. I think I'm going to take up a new hobby or something.

Unproductively doing a lot

That's how I feel a majority of the time lately. Today I went grocery shopping, practiced and worked out for a little bit. Yet, I still feel like I wasted a lot of the day. Maybe I just have to get used to having all of this free time. It feels a little like a vacation. Strange. Even when school starts I still think that not working will make my life so much easier.
Hm. I find motivation for blogging is more difficult to come by. It was all I could do a few months ago to expel some of my emotions. Now, I seem to have less? Or they are just less intense. Or I've forgotten them somehow. If only I could forget entirely. At least the bad ones. Even in this idyllic purgatory I can still feel them sort of lurking in the background. Oh well, can't complain. Or rather I could but I won't because it's better to focus on all of the good in my life.

Nothing to do

And it's awesome. I went to a barbecue today. That is all.

Sigh

of contentment for the most part. I seem to have been sighing a lot recently. Mostly sighs of "what the fuck is next?" For the past two months I've wondered "where do I go from here?"
In the past that might have meant something unpleasant, or something I'm not looking forward to. Now, it's not so bad. My grades have slowly trickled their way into the official records. Everything so far is as expected. Every time I check for something, I remember that I have passed all of my classes. It's just a matter of what passing grade I received. I'm proud of myself more than anything. I made it through the semester, taking 23 units, dealing with housing situations, emotional hell and I fucking won.
So, now I can kick back and breathe a sigh of contentment. I might be tired or bored or whatever else but, now that I don't have to go to school or work I can finally relax. Until summer school, at least.

My summer

has begun. So many things have happened in this last week, I don't even know where to begin. I think I'll start with the slightly unpleasant and let the good leave a lasting impression.
So, on Thursday I go to have my last conversation with my former boss. At the time, I was still under the impression I might have a job but alas, I shall never again be pestered by pretentious consumers of the Portrero shopping center. Never again will I be passive aggressively harassed by people in their late 20s with superiority complexes that will forever work in food services. Oh, the bittersweet agony. haha.
It was a little ridiculous, how it all happened. He took me down to the sublevel parking lot and handed me my last check along with the pink slip itself which read "Gian Hernandez...blahblahblah..terminated for an overage of $10.20" Wait. Wait. Wait. You're firing me because my till was OVER?! I almost literally laughed in his face. He responded with "well...see, when that happens, customers call and complain that they were overcharged" I asked him if that happened this time and of course he wouldn't answer me. Ooooookay. Sure. Oh well. I wasn't planning on staying there too much longer. And this time I might have a summer, like a normal teenager! My last one before I turn 20...
I guess you could say that this is my Post Peet's Pre-Poverty Party Post. I resolve to have the most fun I've ever had in San Francisco this summmer.
I finished finals on a high note as well. My Ear Training teacher congratulated me on all of the hard work I've been putting in. He even suggested that I join the elite chorus at SF state which, was a pretty awesome compliment as I am not a vocal major. So, yep. I'm pretty pleased with my day. And tomorrow? What shall I do? Because I have no constraints on my time until summer school I will do

WHATEVER I WANT!!!!

I should be studying

But instead I'm not.
What a horrible time for depression to sink in. Right when I realize that I don't understand a concept for my final project for Chromatic. I put my notebook aside and blog it up. Go get some chocolate. Ignore the pressing need to study other subjects as well. I pause to think about how nice it would be to be hanging out with a friend or at the park instead of here. I also think about how much I'd like a boyfriend...Then I stop. HA! This isn't me. This isn't anywhere NEAR close to my authentic self. Nice try, little voices in my head. It's easier to differentiate between us now. It tips me off, the desire to seek happiness in someone else. Nope! I can do this. I can do this by myself.
So, now I'm going to finish the blog and figure out how to modulate by enharmonically respelling a diminished seventh chord as a leading tone seventh chord in a new key.

Power and Choice

It all relates back to decisions that we make and privileges that we have. I went back to my old apartment today. My reception was less than warm and caused me to think about the life that I essentially abandoned there. Not great. I am to go back there tomorrow and I don't know how to do it. Stress, Reliving a bad time, Regressing to a previous hateful state, Guilt, Bad energy. Just what I need on the weekend before finals, eh? It's also painfully close to Peet's and the job that I may or may not have anymore. Apparently, I'm suspended and under review for termination. Honestly, if I don't have the job anymore, I'm not going to cry about it. I don't fear the change any more than water fears the glass it's poured into. It might make school and rent and money in general more difficult but I think I can manage. That's what I've been doing, ever since I moved to San Francisco. I have to get through this week. Get through the hard parts and start to enjoy. That's my goal for the summer, I think. I have the power. And now I choose to be Happy. I've always been somewhat comfortable in my misery. And I say this because I believe it a thousand times over: I would rather be broke and happy than comfortable and miserable.

Rejoice

Because you're trying your best.
I like to communicate in song lyrics; words of people far more musically talented than I. The title of this blog comes from my current infatuation: Andrew Jackson Jihad. The song, rejoice, is so depressingly uplifting it makes me want to cry. The visceral affectation of his voice...sigh...
My week is crawling. Today was the last day of ear training before finals. I'm going to miss that class and that class only. The others...well they're not as pleasant or valuable to me. School is going to end soon. All I have to do is get there. I'm trying my best.

Singularity

I've decided.
I have entered a period of celibacy. In reviewing my past, I come across patterns because my brain is very good at finding patterns. It goes like this:

Gian looks --> Gian doesn't find --> Gian doesn't find--->Gian thinks he finds---Gian loses--->Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks---Gian looks--->


And so on and so forth. I have now decided to take a step back. This might seem like the "Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks" part of the cycle but, somehow I feel this is different. One might say that this is only in response to a horrible time with a horrible (?) person. To which I would have to say. Okay. There is a reason why all this has happened. I was supposed to learn something and ultimately better myself out of this. I did/do/will do things that don't reflect what's going on inside of me. I have been inauthentic...

This isn't just me being bitter about the boy.

It's kind of like this blog. I will never invite people to look at it if they don't already know me because I wouldn't want to inflict these random feelings and all this baggage on a stranger.

I'm not entirely sure that I love myself. And nobody else is more deserving of my love than me. Ergo, nobody deserves it right now? I don't know. It's all very confusing. I somehow seem to value others' opinions and thoughts and feelings more highly than I value my own. How can I love me when I treat myself like this?

So.
Resolution:
No more throwing myself around. Respect.
No more "Hey you, who I barely know. Wanna define my life for the next six months until my neuroses force you to get sick of me?" Prudence.
No more settling for something I want right now. Strive.

I will be single. For a while. And what's wrong with that?

My happiness

such work it is. I'm trying to get there and it's proving to be so hard. There exists so many inequalities amongst people. I know I deserve happiness and love and warm fuzzy feelings. I wish it were just handed to me as I'm sure it must have been to a lot of people. I might read this later and think "blah blab blah it's not that bad." Then again, someone might be reading this now and think that.
This is where I'm at.
I know so much about what ISN"T going to make me happy. Happiness should come from inside me and be who I really am. Happiness is not: Material wealth, Suffering without speaking, a Relationship, a socio-economic status, the positive regard of other people, being miserable and expecting someone else to make it okay, Schadenfreude...
So, I know what Happiness is not. That's a good step, right? But what is it? How do I get there? Today is just one of the days. I don't really know...
Happiness can't just be something that makes you feel good. if it were I'd buy some drugs, hook up with random guys and be done with it. It's not something that should come from outside. I know I have something in there that can make everything okay. The issue now is finding it. So, the same thing that makes me question everything and makes it so hard to just simply be happy is the same thing that will eventually lead me to an acceptable answer? Ugh this brain, these thoughts, my heart and shit. It's all very obnoxious and draining and I'm so DONE WITH IT ALL. Right now.
Fuck.

My Saving Grace

As I sit here waiting for her to call me, I can't help but think that my mother is a HUGE part of the reason why I am where I am today. I get my romantic retardation, my sensitivity, my craziness, my resilience, my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-ness, my make-it-work-ness, my life...
basically everything.

There's only one person you can count on in the world, and that's yourself. But, if I ever had to say someone else that comes pretty damn close, it would have to be her. I guess that's the same thing because we're basically the same person...haha.
You know how people say they're turning into their mother? Yep. Been there, done that. Got the Tie dyed T-shirt.

Our relationship is so weird, it's disgusting. We are effed up and wonderful and I don't think I could have it any other way.

Weekend

WAIT.


WHAT??!!!!

It's true. I have a weekend. As in, the end of the week. Typically categorized by most people as the opportunity to relax and not do whatever it is that you usually do during the week. I had taken for granted the fact that I am never to have one of these things so long as school is in session and my job with Peet's still exists. But, lo and behold: here it is. I have two (count them) TWO whole days where I don't have to be in any one specific place. It is SO awesome. Similarly to the feeling of not being depressed after wanting to not be alive for so long, the feeling of having nowhere to be and no constraints on my time is beautiful. I got out of bed when I felt like it today. I practiced at a leisurely pace. Now, because it is getting nearer to finals, I've spent most of the day doing homework and starting and finishing projects. Which is fine with me. School is what I came to San Francisco for. If only I could have these weekend things more often. Maybe I could actually do fun stuff next time?

V for vulnerable

Today, while consuming a delicious cous-cous, feta, artichoke salad, I had an epiphany.

Love who I truly am, because I can't change it.

Something that I have struggled with in the past and might struggle with tomorrow is the concept that everything is exactly how it should be.I guess I'm slightly okay with that for this moment in time. I'd rather be descriptive than prescriptive. The concept of "good" times and "bad" times is something from which I'd like to distance myself. Why indulge in a system that clearly doesn't benefit me?
So. To love me, I have to know me. hmm...
A huge part of who I really am is that I am sensitive. I feel, I have made myself vulnerable and been hurt and acted out of that hurt and hurt others and hurt myself. But just like that saying, Getting hurt is a part of me (inevitably) but BEING hurt has nothing to do with me or who I am.
Yes. I have feelings. A lot of them. An obnoxious, unnecessary, overwhelming, stupid, debilitating amount at times.
I must acknowledge my vulnerability. It only hurts worse to fight and I think I'm done suffering.

Ugh...

Can't go on. Must no longer type.
Spent the longest time in the practice room tonight.
Am now writing a speech for Oceanography. Oh, the horror...
Wish me luck for the next two weeks.
I need it.

It can't come quickly enough

The horrible pain in my chest is finally subsiding. That is one of the best feelings I've had so far. There are moments (short consecutive bursts of them) where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. One of the funny things about depression is the one of the only reason everything is beautiful is BECAUSE nothing hurts. Days when I don't want to kill myself are wonderful, amazing, near-perfect. According to Jewish folks, Buddhists, and my teacher David Xiques: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I touched on it in the back of my mind but, I feel like I suffer because I hold on to the pain because I think it shouldn't be happening. The shock and outrage and unfairness of it all doesn't change the fact. Yes. I was hurt. But, I don't deserve to feel this way anymore and the simple fact of knowing that it won't be always is very, very comforting. I was under the impression that it would last forever. hm. Light at the end of the tunnel...fading...growing..growing?...wait it actually exists?...weird...
So, that's been my life. If only I could make it through until the 22nd unscathed. With minimal effort. Of course I want to be able to relax and read and not run myself ragged and into the ground. I'm looking for happiness and I swear I'll be it this time.
So, patience is one of the many virtues I wasn't blessed with. I always want it now, now, now. If only I was satisfied with what I have instead of wanting what I don't. Changing myself is proving to be slightly less difficult than changing the world.

What does that have to do with me?

So far, I've been trying to quash the everpresent ego I have surrounding the hurtful things in my life. The question I must bear in mind: "what does any of that have to do with me or my worth or my true self?" So, you're not attracted to me? So, you think I'm a bad person/worker/student/musician? So, you have some story about me that you've created and believe? Okay.

And?


I missed the part where you get to judge my validity. Now it makes sense, I think. I used to think that all these people knew something that I didn't. The whole handing out my consent to make me feel inferior. I get it now. Won't let it happen again.

I'm doing my best and trying my hardest. I'm being myself and if it's not good enough for anyone else that's unfortunate but I've done everything I can.
It's kind of liberating to realize: not everything is about me.

Procrastinate with Productivity

So that's what I've decided to do. Today is a day where I have done a lot of things all topsy-turvy and tried not to think about things and done things and not done things. I've begun to think about my problems a little less. I've always been only somewhat committed to getting rid of them for whatever reason. I feel like right now, I'm willing to make everything at least tolerable. Everything seems to be overwhelming which is kind of why this procrastination with productivity is working out so well. Don't like writing that essay? Do some laundry! Don't want to go home and practice? Go grocery shopping instead! It also helps that I had one of my rare "good" mood-swings. I feel right now that Life is a game and I'm willing to play for the time being. Sometimes, I'm not. But right now it would seem that I am the only player who is willing to follow the script I have written.

May

Too many thoughts on my mind...

It's May. Only 3 weeks left until Summer. Whoo

I'm still not over him. All of the problems that plagued me during February are slowly going away. I've moved. My family has 1.5 months left in their house.

I want to be happy. I'm the cause (in one way or another) for everything that bothers me

My therapist sees me in my upswings which makes me think that I'm okay when I talk to him. I know there will eventually come a time when I'm severely not okay and I don't know what to do about it.

I'd like to live in this moment. And be okay in this moment.

I've been thinking pretty hard about going to Spain during the beginning of August. I don't have enough money. I might have to quit my job then. BUT Life is too short to hate it.

I have way too much shit to do. I want to relax and read and not stress and not break down.

All the questions simply beget more questions. I must stay curious. The only problem I have is when I succumb to the misery. When I say: 'I don't want to ask or know at all because it's too painful."
Apparently, the question is the answer.

Mercurial

I'm fairly sure that this is largely one of the reasons I still think I'm crazy sometimes. I mean, sure I know on some level that I'm not really crazy but the ridiculous and intense mood swings that I go through have to mean that something doesn't work inside of me like I'd like it to. I'm not sure exactly how to go about changing this. Or even if it needs to be changed. I don't want to feel like I have forever but, How can I change how I feel?
It's really difficult for me to imagine how I could go from wanting to no longer be alive to being ambivalent about all of the ridiculously difficult things I must accomplish in the next 3 weeks in mere hours. Is that okay with me? I've gone from hating my nature to utilizing it to rebuking it to momentarily accepting it. All in the span of a day.
I would have to say that with all of the ups and downs (Mood swings? hell, they're more like mood tilt-a-whirls) my main issue is being so sensitive. I might go through the same changes as everyone else (which is what I suspect) but for some reason I feel things and analyze things and experience sensation more intensely. The adjective that titles this post can describe me accurately. I am me. I am so many things that I have yet to make peace with. Like the messenger god or the poisonous silver metal, I am ever-changing, quickly adapting, and probably making people (myself) act a little strangely...

Identify with what?

So, today's theory as to why I feel the way I do is the fact that I so readily identify with negativity. I make up the stories (last week's theory) and then embody that negative image that I've created.

So, my friends are getting bored with me whining. Then I identify with that obnoxious loser.
So, he doesn't love me. Then I identify as unloveable, worthless
So, I'm sad all the time. Then I identify with that depression

This blog is supposed to be positive. I've also been struggling (such a struggle, this life) with the idea that maybe I might be doing more harm than good with writing about all the negative aspects of my life. So, today I will talk about how good my lesson was. My teacher told me that I have a great ear which is something he apparently doesn't tell all of his students. I made it through another day. The hard part of this week is over. I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. I'm to a point where thinking about the past or the future is really difficult. So, I must think about the (slightly less difficult) present. What am I doing right now? Am I being truly myself? Feeding the good wolf and being authentic and deprogramming? I think I'm connecting with this moment and that's all I can ask of myself.

Actions vs. Intent

Action is the only way we have to convey ourselves to others. Today at work, I literally wanted to run screaming from the store never to come back. But, I managed to be polite to customers and keep on task. I don't think that I'm a bad worker. However, my shift lead (after passive aggressively telling me to do what I thought I was already doing) took me aside to tell me that my work ethic is being questioned. Do I really want to be there? Of course not! Who honestly wants to work at a corporate coffee shop in a shopping center? I very strongly dislike being anywhere near that place. Of course, I didn't say that. Actions really do speak louder than words. I hope that I can last there a few months more. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do...
My intent is something that I'm having trouble with. What do I really want? Do I really want to be here? I think I've moved past the stage of heartbroken onto existential nihilist. This is a problem that I must address. Could it possibly be clinical depression? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that the bad wolf is kicking the good wolf's ass. The committee is having a party, not just a meeting. And I'm somewhere inside there, trying (but not really doing anything) to be positive and wait for it to be over.
I'm at school right now. I kind of never want to be come back, ever again. I know that I have to face this place for two more weeks. I have to face my friends who want me to be happy but can't do anything about it. I have to face my teachers who don't know what's going on. I have to face him. I have to face all of the stories I've built in my head (they're getting bored of dealing with me. Who cares? they just want me to shut the fuck up so I'm more pleasant to be around) I have to come back and I don't want to. Nobody can make it any better. I have to. I intend to be happy and loved and wonderful but am I acting like it? I have to do something to make it better. And I don't know how...

And I haven't blogged?

Weird.

I spent all day doing nothing. Last night, after having what I think was a panic attack at work, I stumbled into my room. Took off my backpack, dry-heaved a couple of times and went to sleep. Woke up feeling roughly the same. Obviously, school was not high on my priority list. I think it's remarkable the coping mechanisms that we are afforded and how some are granted so many tools to cope with situations they don't want to be a part of. Others don't have much to work with.
Why? Why does this have to happen? I could just be happy. It should be easy. Life should be rewarding, satisfying and beautiful and I should think and feel things that I just don't but wish that I did.
I feel like I might be one of the people that is capable of coping with depression. Maybe that's why I deserve to feel this way. I can get out of this. I hope.

Supposed to be

I struggle with the concept of "Fate". It's difficult to believe that everything happens for a reason when affected by such unnecessary events. And the things that have happened to me pale in comparison to some. I should look into some Deepak Chopra or something. It's somewhat comforting to know that there is information out there that will lead me to find happiness inside. Everything that happens and continues to happen for a reason. I'm not sure. That seems like another way of saying that we all deserve the things that happen to us. I mean, yes we are the result of a system of choices, but I dont think that everything can be explained away with "That's life". The way I've felt for months now is just...wrong. I can't explain it but, I know I should no longer feel cold hurt in the center of my chest. Everyone deserves happiness, right? Even the fucked up, the hurters, the people who don't care. Even I, who once was one of those things, deserves to enjoy his life, right?

The wolf I feed

apparently there's a raging battle inside every cherokee (which i'm not but for all intents and purposes I identify with strongly) between two wolves:

The good wolf whom I imagine looks like a certain polar bear-esque german sherperd

and the bad wolf whom I imagine is actually a werewolf that looks suspiciously like me

The good wolf is all the things that I strive for: truth, beauty, love, connection, peace and happiness. The bad wolf is everything I am all too familiar with: misery, hatred, hurt, inadequacy, ego and isolation. The wolf that wins the rip-snarling, seemingly perpetual battle is the wolf I choose to feed. You know what the evil wolf eats? Probably a combination of Hurt programming, scraps from the commitee table inside my head, and McDonalds. The good wolf satisfies itself with homemade tortillas, Authenticity and slow but sure work towards positivity. The bad news is the evil wolf is a lot easier to feed and a lot more resilient. The good news is I've found the good wolf's bowl.

I'm different

So much can be contained in that phrase.
I feel as though I am an entirely changed person in comparison to who I was a few months ago. I realize that maybe everything makes sense. Or not. Or it's okay even if and when it doesn't. I don't know what's going on in my life but, I feel as though I'll be okay. Soon. Like now. Maybe I'm fine now? I definitely have never felt this feeling before. Is this what okay feels like? It's actually kind of uncomfortable to me. So new and different compared to what I've always been. Hm.
I feel as though I've also gained so much ability to process things in relation to my true self. This whole ordeal has been a disagreeable patch in my life that is thankfully coming to a close. I feel like now that I've moved, now that I'm starting to actually get over him, now that I've gotten closer to my family, everything is going to fall into place. The semester is ending and I'm doing well in most of my classes. I don't hate going to work as much as I used to. And all of this doesn't even matter because I'm learning that every day is a cause to celebrate no matter what. Good or Bad. I'm happier simply because I know this fact and simply because I have gotten closer to that Authentic self that I didn't know existed until my persona was broken. I'm glad I'm different. I'm glad I'm me.

Enjoy your life

I am envious of those obnoxious people who seem to enjoy their lives no matter what happens. Now, I'm not so naive as to actually think rhat anyone's life is perfect (or any better than mine) nor do I think that just because someone seems joyful that they actually are. I'm actually thinking "why not me?" I deserve happiness. I deserve love and joy and truth and beauty and all the things that I believe have somehow escaped me.
I know that just because this life isn't happening the way I want it to doesn't mean I should be miserable. Nobody should feel the way I feel, including me! There's a thought.
I've become proficient at coming up with logical theories as to what might work for me. To achieve this happiness, I am still unaware of how to actually go about it.. How do I implement these things once my head and my heart make peace? I've gotten a lot closer, they're entering negotiation I think, but what next?
In the meantime, I think what might work is to practice my affirmation and get more in tune with my true self. That seems to be working incrementally so far. Okay? Let's do it.

Stories

So, I walk around with all these stories in my head. I see someone and what they're doing and how they're doing it and all of a sudden, a creepy little story will make its way behind my eyes. They're probably this... or that....or they're doing it because of blahblahblah. I don't know ANYTHING about anyone else. Despite being a Communications Major, despite loving to people-watch. I am woefully ignorant of yet utterly dependent on their "true" story.
It's bothersome.
If only I didn't care. Man, I'm sensitive. I've been doing my best to unmask all of the little voices in my head pretending they belong to me. The ones that make up the stories and then tell me that I need them. The ones that feed on insecurities and Hurt programming, my baggage and other people's baggage. They're so tricksy the jeering, pathetic, supplicating voices that have nothing to do with me. I am NOT a hurtful person. I refuse to live in a dark place.
It's time to find the good things that I know are in there.

No, not just okay. HAPPY

I think I've been thinking a little too small scale with my mantra. I don't just want to be okay. I want to be HAPPY. As in ecstatic, joyous, wonderful, awesome, elated and effervescent. I don't just want to be neutral or "meh"
It's about perception. I feel like convincing myself that the world is wonderful is way better than deluding myself that the world is a bad place just because bad stuff happens. It's not going to stop happening for a while so I must learn to thrive instead of cope.
I'm grateful for what has happened and continues to happen. It has taught me a lot about my true self and how I'm not as fucked up as I thought I was. I'd like for it to be over soon but, I know that I can get through it. Your story is beginning again. Celebrate, okay?

Find the peace. Let it go. Be okay.

My new affirmation for myself. I must let it all go. There is some weird thing inside masquerading as a part of me that wants to hold on to the past, my expectations of the future, these feelings. I feel like it's right next to my heart. So close that I can't distinguish the two. I must find some semblance of peace.
One thing that I have been terrified of doing is merely trying to be okay. I don't want to try. I want to do. That weird thing is keeping me from it. It can't be true or authentic. I want, with all of my being, to be happy and okay. I've been learning that It's always something or another. If only.....(I didn't have to work, I was a better musician, he loved me, blahblahblah)....
There's always going to be something. I can't put off feeling good anymore just because of a pattern of disagreeable circumstances. So, now what?

I don't want to feel this way anymore

That's my number one priority right now. I know this is what I need. I know it. But, now all I can do is strive for something better. Nobody else can make it happen. I have to.
If I can make it through the semester, through the year, through something. I can just survive and eventually it should all get better, right?
This whole thing has fucked me up, royally. I'm way too sensitive. Maybe they were right, that I should just focus on school instead of doing too much. In the future, I will be honest with my authentic self. I can't have this ruining my life. Time heals all wounds? Nope.

What are you going to do with your life?

I munna get what I want!

Christ.

okay. So, not really. I'm actually going to get what I need. I'm not sure what the difference is yet but I'll figure it out. I posted earlier "if only I could focus my energy on positive happenstance..."
well, why not? I dont really know what the best outcome for me will be so tonight I will go to sleep and focus on getting what I need. I don't know what it is but it will come. It might not necessarily be what I want right now but I do know that I've never been scared of putting immediate, fleeting desires on hold for a longer lasting happiness. I think the two might correspond this time, though. Want and need for me aren't too far apart. I want what is best for me right now and in the future.

The goal is not to have a goal

and yet, here I am attempting to thrive. Maybe I'm just trying to be okay instead of actually getting there. I feel like I've been through enough to where I can say confidently that I am no longer the person I was months or even weeks ago. I was talking to my friend from out of town about all the bullshit, and I realized that the way I interact with people has changed. I like it. I used to get mad at people so much more easily. I used to be more inconsiderate and unaware. I feel like I should treat people now with more clarity and kindness than I ever did in the past. I expect it from the people who love me so, I try to give nothing but brutal, compassionate honesty.
To me, now more than ever, its all about Authenticity
I would like to believe that I am a powerful person. Something about all of these coimcidences and how I've been interpreting and dealing with them leads me to believe that I am more present in my life than I used to be. If only I could focus my energy on positive happenstance...
I've changed/grown/learned.

Don't Yell unless something is wrong

 Sound advice (haha) given to some random child from an exasperated parent. I spent most of yesterday with my Mom and Little Brother. She came up to help me move into a new house and for that I am very, very grateful. Moving is always a stressful experience but this move has been the smoothest transition so far. I hope to stay here for more than 8 months, if possible. I need stability.

Most of yesterday was spent hanging out with the Fam but I spent yesterday night hanging out with a friend from out of town. It was quite enjoyable even if I did happen to stay out wayyy too late. 

My life seems to be continuing. It's not as dynamic as I'd like it to be but then things are never satisfying enough for me. I was commenting on the state of things to my Mom and we reached the decision that something just felt wrong. I don't know what it is but it's pervasive in my life right now. I feel like I should be yelling because...I don't know why. 

hm.

Transitions

I'm moving again. This will be the fourth time in 2 years.  I'd really like to stay at this new place for longer than 8 months...

It would seem that I am STILL in a period of transition. I remember around February when all of the shit I was going through seemed insurmountable. I thought ahead to the time when I wouldn't be heartbroken, when I would enjoy living, when I wouldn't be heavy with all kinds of self-imposed negativity. So far, it hasn't happened yet. 

I hope that this next step is good for me. 

I don't want to regret or hurt anymore. 

Backwardssdrawkcab

I dunno. I'm feeling like I'm moving along...Kinda moving forwards but, maybe not. I'm surrounded by all of this tumultuous feeling that I have no control over. My friend and compatriot is now in a position I might once have envied: The person who broke his heart has realized their mistake and is now seeking to reconcile the situation. I am jealous of him in one way but, more importantly I am jealous of him because he confided in me that he has fully healed from the ordeal. Meaning that he doesn't want to hurt himself or anyone else and has the clarity to do the things that he knows are right. I wish I could say the same for myself. I have no idea what's going on, what I want, what I can have and what's good for me. One would think that after 2 months, I would be on my way to be totally okay with everything. This has always been the person that I am though. I have no concept of time in relation to healing. It's always going to be right now and the grass is always greener on the other side. I remember when I was happy. I remember even 5 days ago when I was so close to being totally fine. Where was he? Where is that person that I was? I miss him. 

Consistently inconsistent

Really? Really, now?

I thought we were over this. And I was doing so very,very well. All the creeping little stories have made their way back into my head...

He probably doesn't care anymore. I'll never get better. Nobody loves me. Blahblahblah. I would think the first is more true than anything. I wish I could figure out the secret. How can I get to be so nonchalant? I guess the answer is: Find a distracting boy toy. Ignore my feelings. Shouldn't be too hard, right? 

Ugh. I want so bad to be okay. We're going to talk and it's going to be awkward and nothing will change. I'm making this shit up and its probably going to happen. 

I can't stop imprinting my negative will on the future and it won't GO AWAY.

Valley. Extraodinary one. 

relapse.

hm. these Thirteenths haven't been all that great for me. I'll have to make the next one better than these two. Shouldn't be too hard now. I think it's funny how everything else can be fine and nothing is really all that bad and something as simple as hearing him laugh can make that chest pain thing come back. Really? Really, now? This is now literally ridiculous. I'm just angry now. At myself. Entirely. I'd like to live my life now, thanks. I'd rather forget than wait forever. I can't continue to wonder if it's bothering him. I can't keep wondering whether he thinks about me. Whether or not he'll admit his mistake. Whether he'll ever apologize. I KNOW that it's wrong. I KNOW for a fact that I shouldn't feel like this anymore. My progress isn't linear and it never will be so I must be okay with it. It's been two months and I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

Sacrilege

Here is the Easter Celebration I went to. It was interesting and blasphemous and all that jazz. I hung out with friends and danced even though I was really tired. I might have considered today an "off" day if I still wholeheartedly believed that a days events dictate its worth. If I focus on the negative, that's all it will be. So, I will focus on the fact that I wore this bitchen shirt that had suspenders on it and got a lot of compliments on it. So there. 

Doing enough

or too much, possibly. I always run the risk of doing too much both figuratively and literally, though. Here I am at the 24 hour laundromat 5 hours before I have to go to work at 6 am. Oh well, at least we're moving back in. A full 4 days before I move out....
hm.
Tomorrow I shall be a member of a cadre of hilariously toga-ed heathens. You can definitely expect pictures. Also, I'm more content wirh my life as it stands right now. It's unfortunate that certain players refuse to follow the script in my head. A shame, really. My expectations are usually nicer than reality. How strange for a pragmatist.

Life happens even when you don't blog about it

I thought I'd steal that from my mom. It's just a good thought to have. I've been blogging every day but, I've noticed that because I am less depressed than I once was, the dedication I've been showing to blogging has been slipping. Oh well.
Here I am at 8:26 in the morning getting ready to start cleaning and packing to move. The Improv Nation Comedy show was fun. Now, to other activities.
Another funny (?) aspect of my life is the fact that apparently some drama happened at the club which I was almost entirely unaware of. I feel bad about it but it's something that I can't change I guess. I'm definitely more about being friendly with everyone than being the cause of a fight, though. How weird that I can be in a hole of depression for months and then emerge this entirely changed person. I guess that's life, though.

Outing

Wait, what?
I actually went out on a Thursday night? And had FUN????
Weird.
But, I did. I danced and hung out with some old friends. Even though I had a mid-term the next day. It was alright. Everything is alright, I think. Now I'm hanging out with my wife before we go the Improv Nation Comedy show on campus. Tomorrow is the big cleaning day. Sunday I'll be hanging out with Friends. Next Wednesday I move. Everything is turning out fine.

Which child am I?

So, I went to a Passover meal at my friends house. It was quite entertaining. We actually did all of the pageantry and l'chaiming and all that stuff. It was really interesting. One of the things that stuck out to me (other than the blasphemy that was going around the table) was this concept of Four Children. There's a Wise Child, a Selfish Child, A Silent Child and a Simple Child. They are supposed to symbolize a different kind of person present at the Seder and as the youngest person, I got to ask all of the questions from each perspective. I don't feel particularly close to the Silent or the Simple child. I am not now nor have I ever been what other people would believe to be simple. I don't think I'm silent very often. I sure do a lot of loud thinking, talking, expressing and not much silence. So, I would have to say that I am either the Wise child or the Selfish child. The Selfish child is often called the Wicked child which hits a little to close to home, I think. I would like to dissociate myself from the impulse that makes me think of my needs first and foremost and to disregard what is needed or what others feel. I don't know. I suppose I would have to be a 5th child. Not Wise, Selfish, Silent or Simple. Maybe a mixture of all 4?

It's funny how a ridiculously fun evening can turn into a contemplative though process once I get logged onto blogger.com. Hahahaha

Better...Again

So, I didn't put it out there because I thought it wouldn't come true. But, today was supposed to be my magical recovery date after the 13th of March didn't really work out. I think I have a lot of unrealistic expectations for myself in regards to how I'm going to feel about everything after it's over. Maybe I'm better now? And this is what it's supposed to feel like...
I'm not really sure. I was hoping to be able to move out guilt free, to never be hurt by him ever again, to enjoy my life and not get bogged down by all of the Unnecessary, Trivial, MUNDANE.
*sigh*
I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied. No, actually I know I will be. It could happen tomorrow. It's just not happening right now and that bothers me for some reason. Oh well, I'll get over it.
So, this is another stage. I'm at a point where I am better, again. I think even more so than the last time. I've taken it past where I was and am now headed towards something...great.

Constant Heaps, Constant Valleys

Hmmm. I am once again in a very strange place. I wish that I could be constantly happy or constantly neutral. It seems that even though I have accepted my progress as marked by good and bad times, it doesn't make it any easier. Still the place I' m in is not nearly as dark as it would have been a month ago. I'm grateful for that, I think.
Today there was a new Wind Ensemble conducting candidate. I actually enjoyed rehearsal for the very first time in months. It was good. I was engaged musically. I feel like I left rm. 153 with a better idea of how the songs should be played. All very good things. This is today's cause for celebration. And it's not even over yet. I have spirited away a spare moment to blog because I was supposed to be at a brass quintet rehearsal that got canceled. I still have Oceanography, Orchestra and the Improv. Nation meeting tonight. Let's see how all that goes.

Destructive trains of thought: Derailed

Okay. So, my tasks (as dictated by Rob Brezny) are to
1.Disrupt negative thoughts as they flow through my brain
2. Do the half-right thing when it's impossible to do the totally right thing
3. Understand that to progress through my current situation I have to accept it, realize my role in perpetuating it, and be thankful for all it has taught me (!!!!)

Wow. Way to go astrology. I feel like these are generally good things to do no matter what is going on in my life. But, I needed to hear it from an outside source apparently. Negative thoughts....They've been overpowering lately. I have been a powerful magnet for negativity lately. By performing the third task, I am slowly but surely making my way out of what's going on.
Destructive trains keep on chugging..."I wonder what he's doing right now?" BAM! Derailed. "I hate cleaning, this probably isn't good enough" HAH! Derailed. "Ugh, I hate my body" POW! No more. It's a little bit tiring but ultimately better for me. And I've never been against doing difficult things that will ultimately better my life.

Cause for celebration

I'm going to find the cause for celebration in every day. Sounds like a good plan. I'm letting go of the bad feelings. I realized today that for some reason, I hold on to them. I hold on to the Hurt. I hold on to the Hurter. I find tragedy appealing. Hm. Why? Doesn't make me more interesting or more attractive. I have to unlearn a lot of things that have thus far not been working for me. So, today was good because I went to the gym. I got a free sandwich. I made it through an 8 hour shift. And I talked to Mom. All good things. I'm not trying not to focus on the bad things. I'm NOT focusing on them. Or something. There's a difference between trying and doing and actualizing and ruling your universe. I'm figuring it out, I think. Maybe this is just a heap. But it doesn't feel like one. It kind of feels like the opposite of those strange valleys where I feel like something is so wrong with the situation that nothing will ever be right again. I still feel like some things with my life are so very, very wrong but I have this sneaking suspicion that everything is going to be alright. Hmmm...

Good Friday

I had one. I went out with friends to go listen to one of our friends perform. Then we went to a bar to hang out and a restaurant to eat at one in the morning. I ended up walking home because MUNI doesn't run that late. haha
It was great. I've realized that I want to become more social. I was feeling kind of tired so, I considered staying home and saying eff that noise but I went anyways and I'm glad I did it. I was there while my friends were going through some drama and I think I helped out. I was there watching my friend perform and it was nice and mellow. It all just went very pleasantly.

Assumptions

Last night I went to a completely relevant and topical magic class with two of my roommates. Again, there was so many coincidences and again I feel a lot better after going. The whole thing was about the assumptions we make and why we make them. I've realized that the reason I make assumptions about the way other folks and I interact is because I have no idea what other people are thinking. Sure, I like to guess and check in and fantasize about what they're doing but, I'll never really know. I have to learn to be okay with never being fully emotionally safe. I make assumptions (and act on them) because I want to protect myself, to avoid feeling vulnerable. I do it because I want to have some measure of understanding of or control over the situation. I just want to be okay.
The last post I made. I'm still acting under the Hurt programming.
How I interact with my roommates. Hurt Programming.
How much I'm doing in school. All assumptions based on past bullshit that I don't want anymore. I suppose I have to continue to interact with all of these things for a little while longer but right now I'm refusing to let it get to me.

Assumptions:
You don't want to be around me. You don't love me. Because I was so easy to get over, I'm worthless.
You all think that I've abandoned you. You're right about every negative thought you might have about me.
Because we were poor during my childhood and because I was apathetic in high school, I'm destined to be a failure. And a killer schedule now is somehow going to change that.

........HA! I've put them out there. They're big and scary and they've been running my life. They might continue to exist but it's not about me anymore. That's all bullshit, Hurt programming and...nothing much else, really.

Over and Getting Back into: It

Today was the first day of school. I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole thing. I walked in feeling pretty good because I woke up in my hotel and had breakfast with my Mama. Put on a pretty spiffy outfit and did okay in my first classes (one was even canceled!) and then....Wind Ensemble. *sigh* If only I actually wanted to be there. Not going to lie, though. I do have fun. It's usually because of my section mates. The music is alright. I'm not even all that bothered by Evan being there. It's just the whole energy of it really doesn't sit well with me or something. Whatever. I did get to eat before my lesson which was good. I was however, accosted by the aforementioned outside while texting someone. Gah. For the first time, I wanted him to go away. I don't think he reads this anymore but I wouldn't care if he did or not so, I'm not even sure why I mention it. I've made a lot of decisions (without checking in first) mainly for my benefit. I don't know if they're going to last. This break helped me to get some clarity. I'm further along in the process than I was though not as far as I'd like. Oh well.

The thought that has been running through my head pretty much non stop right now is:

So, this is my life right now.

I don't know if there are negative or positive feelings behind that. Maybe that's a good thing. Neutrality is way better than what I've been feeling lately.

Kind of blue

So, I have made a change. The last layout seemed to be a little dark for me at times. Now I've gone from something that reflects abject despair to something....all consumingly depressing? I don't know. It was a change. I've gotten a bit better, I think.
Unfortunately, I'm back in San Francisco and I have to go back to facing my life instead of living and enjoying it. I was apparently supposed to go into work today. Which I found out while at the bank procuring the security deposit for my new apartment. Yep, it still keeps happening. This whole life thing isn't working out yet. I'm definitely ready for something else.
But I suppose I'm only KIND of blue. Maybe. I should definitely focus on the positive. My mom (in a somewhat strange rant) helped me to remember that I need to focus on the good things that have happened in the last week. I guess it's a more prescriptive approach instead of describing how I actually feel but, I've been trying my way for a while. Hmmm....
I did get a chance to see my family, my parents
I was NEVER hungry during the whole 10 days
I saw my friends
I got to sleep in
I didn't have to think about work
AND
I only have 6 weeks left of school!