ennui

As i sit here on my bed, lap top warming my lap, I can't help but think: "what am I doing?"
I am intensely, frantically bored.
And I don't know why....
I have two options: I can get up and do something (most likely eat cake)
or i can stay here and eventually go to sleep.

Perhaps I'll combine the two and eat cake while asleep


BLEH

I am changed

Queer youth Advocacy day was amazing. I felt as though I was connected to each and every individual person in attendance. Especially the youth leaders. I (hella) miss them. haha. Northern California is very different. But, the capitol building is beautiful. If only i didn't leave my camera *accidentally* with Zac. But, at least he has it. I thought I left it at the Crest theater....
Anyways, back to gushing about QYAD. I fell in love with everyone there. Lai-San seto is pretty much a Goddess. Carolyn laub is so great. I love them. All the people, my roomates, brandon, kiernan, Zac, Randy, Brooke, Elizabeth, Krissy, Shelbie, Luis, Julian, Tina, Emily, Justin, Phil, Nichole, Eddie, Alan, Barney, Angel, The Girlfriends, everyone.The list goes on and on. (and if I didn't mention you and you're reading this, don't worry. I love you all!).
Seriously, I got emotional at all of the speeches...like i was ready to cry. There were protesters of course, but more importantly there was a line of supporters in between us and the fundamentalists. It was like a line of love protecting us from the hatred. My lobbying group from watsonville was so cool. It made me feel really good to lead them and help make the world a little bit better of a place. I really hope SB 777 and AB 394 get passed. If you're reading this and you don't know what they are, look it up! vote for them!
All in all, leaving that group was like leaving school for summer vacation. Except even more sad because I actually care about the people I was leaving. I WILL do this next year. My life is now better because of it.

I vote yes on that

All that...

for essentially nothing. I am quite bitter. But, what can I do? I was outclassed...
Everyone auditioning for the conservatory has been taking lessons, and playing longer than I have. I really wish that I knew what I wanted to do when I started playing the trumpet. Plus, I didn't get a chance to talk to the trumpet professor, Mario Guarnerni. He played the solo cornet in "The Godfather III" so, it's understandable why I'd want to talk to him. The man is basically a trumpet god, and I insulted him. But, it wasn't my fault; I had to go call my family after the audition. I think that he thought I left after he told me to wait fifteen minutes in the cafe. But, I came back. And waited. and waited. For about 45 minutes I waited while sinking into a worsening feeling of inferiority. Especially considering I wasn't even able to contact my mom. So, basically I left for no reason and missed out on a really cool opportunity....
I know I didn't get in.

My last day of sickness

Tomorrow is my audition at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. And I am DONE being sick. Seriously, if I have to invoke some voodoo on this bitch, I will...

Saturday was great

and now I must pay for it. I went to be on Saturday with a slight sore throat. Most likely from all of the yelling on the bus. The combination of windowns open and yelling isn't so great for my health, I guess. Because I woke up on Sunday in pain. Lots and Lots of it. Which is great because my Conservatory audition is in 3 days....
On a positive note, Saturday was so much fun. I love my parents. Dad took me to this audition for a scholarship (which I unfortunately didn't get) and then to California Pizza Kitchen. After which I took a nap and then went to see the U.S. Army Band play with all of my friends in band. It was a pretty good concert. So, I suppose that this is maintaining the balance in my life.

Jazz Fest

This is me and my friend bandrew (aptly named for distinction amongst other andrews who are not in band) overlooking this harbor in monterey. I like it because we look like long haired freaks.

oh and the picture credit goes to Matthias the crazy german tourist/exchange student.

Deadlines...

So, Im going to try out for the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. In about 11 days. Im pretty sure Im not ready...which is the most depressing thing I can think of right now. Actually not really but, whatever. Also, apparently Northridge didn't get my audition application so, I'm supposed to recieve a call from the area coordinator about my future as I know it on wednesday. I believe I'm losing stamina in the final push for college... this is not a good thing. So many things to be stressed about:

1. College
2. My Family and $
3. Me and $
4. Any combination of the aforementioned things that I didn't mention
5. My teeth
6. My instrument
7. The performances this weekend
8. AP tests
9. School in general
10. My body image
11. Getting a Job
12. the future of Cullen and I
13. and finally (lucky 13) Waking up early tomorrow....