Authority? Hiss....

So, here is a picture of me in my Leopard costume. T'was quite amazing. And I am quite out of it so my post will be brief. Mainly my night was hanging out with one of my friend and going to the castro even though there was supposed to be

NO FUN

and
NO PARTY

hahaha. I love that the government thought they could tell me what to do. I DEFY them. MWAHAH. And now I'm just tired and rambling. So, good night!

And Fate reminds us: Cranberry Tricycle Glass

And by that I mean she is always RANDOM. As all get out, I suppose. So for the past 23 hours I've been in a serious phase of "Fuck my life, Fuck my life, Fuck my life" But, now...I just don't know. I'm not going to be so cliche as to say that it all works out. I think it all just kind of happens. And things keep happening to me and I don't know if I like it or not. I lost my cell phone...But, that will be addressed later in the story. Keep reading! it gets better.
Today, I got my first route officially as walker number #57. Whoo fucking hoo. The A.M. route went okay. Only 5 lates as opposed to 40 on-schedule. PM was a fucking disaster. I wasn't really late or anything, I was just really tired. On the break in between the two (which is supposed to be 4 hours and was only 2.5) I went to school to try and get some advising for Priority registration. I signed up, got food, came back and realized that if I waited i was going to be late for work. Meanwhile, I had been checking my e-mail constantly to see if something good was happening. Anything. And finally it did. My wonderful supervisor found my missing cell phone! Which, of course, is a rather bourgeois thing to be upset about but, honestly my entire means of communication gone is reason enough to be upset. I lost my phone at night when I went to call my Mom. It was like being cut off. The first thought that ran through my mind "Fuck my life, Fuck my life, Fuck my life" and it sort of hadn't stopped until I realized that nothing is really that bad. Or it kind of is. But, I don't really know. And that's enough of my philosophical musing. Oh, in other news I've decided that yes I am going to double Major. Communications looks like a worthwhile prospect and the classes that I've decided to take now can be counted as General Ed. So, I'll ease my way into it. I would like some help on this matter but, I guess I'm a hell of a lot better prepared than last time I did this whole scheduling thing. And look how that turned out. Pretty damn okay. Despite the fact that I am (for lack of a better phrase) Butt-booty ass tired.
Incidentally, I need to be asleep 2 hours ago. So, I guess I'll cut this one short. Halloween is tomorrow! You can expect pictures in the next post...I think.

Borderline Productive

That's how i feel today went. My Long lost twin and I met at Nervous Dog Coffee to do homework where I learned that Sacagawea meets the criteria for a member of import of Shoshone origin, which is perfect because I have to write a paper explaining who she is and how she is important. I'm also less articulate and conscious than I would be due to the fact that I consumed about 16 ounces of espresso, chocolate and banana. It was called the "Rhesus Monkey" and it was delicious.
The Roommate seems to be meeting my expectations of her, having gone off yet again back home to "collect her thoughts". However, my assumptions of her reasons are slightly off: she doesn't particular care for our friends in SLO at the moment, giving her even less reason to go home. Whatever, at least she can make rent on time. Which is something that I have struggled with recently. I'm in the intial stages of cash flow, meaning that next month rent should be gravy. As of now, I've had to depend upon family for most of it. And for groceries. For that, I am very grateful because...well...I'm hungry. But, I digress. She's going home and I get the Apartment to myself for 2 weeks! Now, I must clean and launder and prepare for next week. This will involve locating my California Overnight uniform and doing the Music Theory homework that I have neglected up until now. I would really like to be able to post pictures on this blog but, my cell phone camera is acting up and the pictures that i took at Nervous Dog are not visible. Unacceptable! But, life goes on, I suppose. I turn 18 in exactly one week!

And I sound like a broken record!

I need to shut the hell up. hahah
Other than that wonderful little fucked up-ness,
Life is going. Kind of well, I should think. I gave 3 speeches that day: One for Comm. and Two to high school classes for CUAV (Community United Against Violence). I feel like I accomplished a lot yesterday, despite the fact that I cam home and went to sleep at 5 and didn't wake up until 7am this morning. Actually, it was much needed I believe. Fridays are always draining.
This weekend I would like to do a lot of things: Figure out if I'm going to be able to make rent, possibly buy the last aspect of my costume (hopefully I'll have enough), Grocery shop (notice a theme here?), Do some Music Theory stuff, Kick Ass on a paper for AIS (the most boring class EVER), clean, do some Laundry and possibly go out. In that order, actually. Hah, didn't plan it out like that but I guess subconsciously my mind knows what needs to be done. Now if only my body could follow suit...

Nobody Knows

I think it's funny that for someone who contemplates how he presents himself, I am intensely unaware of what people think of me. The more important question is: Do I care?
And the answer escapes me. Sometimes, with select people, the answer is yes. Other times I think that in presenting myself with an indifferent attitude, I want to be perceived as such. So, I have to say that I am unaware of my place in the world and people's eyes but am forever changing it. For example, Yesterday I gave a speech in Communications class. I had timed myself to be roughly 3 minutes and 45 seconds when the guideline was 4-6 minutes. But, while speaking time seemed to be going by too rapidly and I had to cut out a lot of it, causing me to become flustered and deliver a lackluster conclusion. Nobody but me knew why I was fumbling for words. And nobody else really cared, I think.
My Attractive-play going Companion is in that class. He is a prime example of how very, very ignorant I am of my image. I was talking to other people and doing my best to ignore him. This is what I want, right? No contact. He doesn't know that I am still unsure. He doesn't know that I want him to talk to me or at least care. But, He also doesn't know is that I'd rather not make the connection because I would like to not get hurt for a third time. I don't know, he doesn't know. Nobody knows.

Estoy Trabajando

Todo el dia. Ciertamente.
This morning I woke up at 5. Got to work at 6:30 only to discover that I've been given my own route...kinda. I had to do it with this guy who kind of annoys me but, also kind of reminds me of someone in my family. Weird. It would have been better off if I had done it by myself, it was so small. I only had about 30 packages. But, that's neither here nor there I suppose. It was boring and difficult. At least I'm making money.
Afterwards, I went to the Castro and bought a few add ons for my Leopard Costume. It's going to be quite cool, I believe. Then, I went to LYRIC to help my supervisor with the intern interview process. Then, I went back home for 20 minutes to change and eat. Then I went back and interviewed another intern before going to a Training that lasted 2.5 hours. I finally got home around 7:30ish and I realized: "Damn, I am stressed as fuck"
Had to write a speech for Communications class and prepare some pictures and Evaluation forms for this Speaker's Bureau gig tomorrow. Yet another jam packed friday for me. Of course, academia won't be my only struggle. I'll have to stand in front of a class that includes the Attractive Play going Companion and deliver a speech. Ah well, it's about trumpet playing. Something that I'm fairly confident in my ability to discuss. It's more that I worry about so many things that I have a small measure of control over. My thoughts, fears and emotions...
FUCK.
Just generally, I can go throughout my day and not realize how worried I am about certain things. It's like my brain has a collection of shelves that are always crooked and I keep trying to put things on them that might stay on for a little while but, I keep having to rearrange them...It's articulate, I know, but that's how I feel. Oh well, Today my supervisor told me
that he really appreciates the effort that I'm making to be there every day and that he recognizes what I'm doing. It was really cool. I feel that we don't get acknowledged enough on the whole. As people. So, I think from now on when someone does something, I will acknowledge what they've done. Just to make sure that they don't go unnoticed. It's very demoralizing to go throughout your day and be treated like you haven't done anything. I know for a fact that I did something today. It's nice when someone notices.

Synchronicity and/or Coincidence

I have noticed a lot more instances of this since I've moved to San Francisco. It might be because of the fact that I seem to live/experience/be subjected to life more intensely than I ever did back home. It might also be because of the fact that I'm looking for similarities between things that I'm constantly thinking about and my mundane life. How perfect would it be to have the trivialities join together into something magnificent? Everything happens for a reason. I think the trivialities are a lot like notes in a scale: Use them the right way and create Euphony. That's just my random thought for the day. I would also like to say that I miss home. Very much so. I miss my friends. I miss random people. I see your faces everywhere. It's quite possible that in my currently emotionally vulnerable state I'm attributing a lot more to my experience, but I feel as though human sentiment has finally wormed it's ugly head into my thoughts. At least a little. Agh.
Oh well, I'm going to bed. I get to sleep in until 6 am tomorrow! This pleases me to an extent. The fatigue that I felt this afternoon snuck up on me. It was not pleasant. Nor was it conducive to learning my coworker's PM route. I need to be alert from now on. I've taken to stretching after I wake up. I've also taken to attempting to sleep on my back and do breathing exercises. More on that later once I form an opinion on this practice...

Recapitulation

So, I've had a good weekend, and I just got paid ($230!!!) and I'm sure I did fairly well on my midterm and I'm not terribly exhausted after my longest day of the week. I should be having a good time, right?
I can't help but think about everything. I think about things way too much, you know? I think about how strange it is to think that he doesn't care. It's strange to think about how he could be reading this right now. I don't know how I feel about that, though. Another strange thing: I said I didn't want him to read my blog but, I would be oddly satisfied to know that he did. I'm not sure if all of the things I said to him are true. But, I'm also broadening the scope to think about other strange things because I've become more contemplative and introspective, recently. I give consideration to past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I think: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being empathetic. To one person in particular: I'm sorry. I didn't know it could hurt this intensely.
I don't know what I want. How pathetic, right? So indecisive. Whatever. I know that I am NOT actively pursuing a relationship. With anyone. As of this turn of events, I am no longer going to waste time and energy on such a volatile endeavor. It's not good for my psychological well being.
But, the band will play on, right? As cliche as it sounds. I think that it's begun in a minor key. The significance of this being that not all minor keys are "sad" (look it up, it's true) I'd like to reach the fanfare eventually. I'll get past the second movement because second movements are always No. 2. haha. And now for some crescendo. Do something. Anything. Just do it differently.

And the band plays on

Hah. The band that plays the soundtrack of my life had reached a caesura, I think. But now, It will slowly begin to play molto lento. At least for the time being. I have a Music Theory midterm tomorrow in case you couldn't tell. I've been studying scales and terms for hours now. It should benefit me, because I believe that I have a B in the class and would like an A. It's the reason I'm attending SFSU, I should at least have a good grade in Music. All in all, I would say that today has been productive. I studied, wrote an outline for speech, revised a philosophy paper (despite my philosphy teachers less than helpful comments) and got a scholarship letter in order. Yes, I should say that it has been fairly productive. Although, I didn't get to go outside today. It was a lovely day, too. Not windy and rainy and tempestuously indecisive like it usually is. I was on the phone with my friend from Nipomo and he was describing to me how warm the wind is back home. I miss the smell of leaves dying. I miss the warm wind and Autumn aura. I would like very much to be at home, if only for a night. I should look into that...The Roommate seems to be going back every other weekend, I should just catch a ride with her. It would be nice to go home and sleep, eat and talk.

I was in need of a good day

and I'm fairly sure that I got it. I went to bed at 9 and woke up around 10:30. Which pretty much doubled the hours of sleep that I've gotten this week. I hung out with my Long Lost Twin. She and I are so very, very similar it's almost scary. We're both black and Mexican, We both lived with our grandmothers, we're both weird. And that's how we like it! haha. But, anyways, We hung out and went to see Thelma Houston at Amoeba records. It was quite strange and very brief but good. She wore a very amusing hat of feathers that I didn't get a picture of, unfortunately. I need to go to more concerts at Amoeba. Two is not enough!
So, after the concert, we went to a lovely little deli where I had vegetarian duck for the first time. It was delicious. And then (and this is the highlight of my day) we happened upon a pile of free clothes! And they were my size!! As funny as it sounds, it seems like Fate was showing me that it's not always going to be bad. It's always going to be RANDOM. And I suppose for now, i'm okay with that. I got free fucking clothes! Pictures will eventually ensue, don't you worry!
After that, we got on the wrong bus to come home and ended up taking the long way home... Haha. It was good though. I have also done some studying for my Music Theory Midterm and done a load of laundry. T'was very productive. Weekends are amazing.

Why, okay?! Why? Okay. Why, Okay!

He's okay with that. I am too. The thing that i'm not okay with is the fact that it happened so spur of the moment. and that he's okay with it. and that I'm okay with it. It was a lot of awkward silence, talking about nothing, and finally deciding after a single response that I never want to see him ever again. He told me "whatever I want"
NO.
not whatever I want. Obviously, I don't always get what I want. And I don't know how to react to that. So, I acted rashly. I'm just depressing and depressed.
But, I realize that I don't really need to be around him if he doesn't want to be around me. I'm just done with it. So, I've resolved to have really awkward Fridays and never speak to him again. I've learned from it but, I really wish I had never met him.

My corporate Identity

Yep. I've been reduced to a number. I'm Walker #57 with California Overnight. It's quite boring and requires a lot of memorization or routes and whatnot. Oh well, at least I'll probably be able to make rent this month. Probably. The introduction of this new aspect of my life requires a lot of thought and scheduling. I need to balance School, This Job, GLAM and the LYRIC internship. In that order. The only problems really are days that they bleed over into each other. Like Monday evenings when LYRIC ends at 7:30 and my philosophy class starts at 7:00. Or friday when my shift with Cal Overnight ends at 10:30 but, my Communications class starts at 9:00. I really hope I don't have to make a decision between one of the four things and another. Oh, and did I mention I'm considering double majoring? Communications is really interesting and opens up a lot more job prospects than just being a Music Major. I'll make that decision next semester, I think. Right now I've got far too much on my plate.

And I keep imagining

What the future will be like. It's kind of murky...I see myself making possibly enough money with these jobs. I see myself possibly being happy. I see myself being more adult. I envision coldness but, it doesn't bother me. Why would I care if I'm jaded?
For some reason, I don't imagine that My attractive Play going companion will be completely out of the picture, which is somewhat alarming. It's so strange to be full of all of my hurt and still think of him. I'm unsure of whether or not to enact these divinatory musings...It would be so much easier to be true to my cruel nature and cut him out. It would be better for me. It would be better for him. I think I should. I don't know. I keep imagining my life and who and what will be part of it. It's best to have foresight in these matters but, why can't I just decide when it comes time? I believe I will.

I hate being right

I hate+ and hate-} and (hate).
It's true, once I started living here my emotions have become more clear. More intense and vivid. Hmmm...
I'm sitting here on a lovely saturday morning and trying (and failing) to learn a sad song on the piano. I just woke up and I feel as though I got too much sleep. But, too much consciousness is just as bad. if not worse. Ha, i'm such a sleep whore.

I shouldn't give my heart to just anyone because you don't know what the fuck they're going to do with it.
She was right.
Beautiful boys who write poetry for me are nothing but trouble.
I was right.
He'll never give me a second glance.
I was right.
Agh,
But enough about that. I'm forbidding myself to writing more blogs about this...okay possibly one more. It is quite therapeutic. So, anyways
I would like very much for my Mom and Little Brother to come visit me (hint, hint *wink*)
And I don't know exactly how my finances are going to work out but, I suppose I'll figure that out when The Roommate returns from her silly escapist tantrum. I start working my other job on Tuesday! Should be fun, right?
It's quite a weird mood that I'm in as of late. Oh well, I can always cheer myself up with...ummm...yeah. I'm in San Francisco, what is there to do on a Saturday?
Oh, and in completely unrelated news, I'm only 17 for another 22 days! 'Tis good for me to overcome the arbitrary barrier. Then i'll be able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. My favorite!

What am I going to do?

Cold; Twice.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and hurt and not over it. But, I will be. I know he's reading this. And I know he probably will have something to say. But, it's okay because we may or may not speak. With that being said, I'm going to take some of his advice and write him a letter:

Dear Attractive play going Companion,

I know that you don't like me as much as I like you. I wish you did. But, that's not going to make a difference, now is it? I would like to be around you but, I don't think it's going to be that great for my psychological well being. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. Not gonna Lie. You hurt me a great deal. I hate that I make you feel bad. I hate that this is how it's going to end up. I hate that we're not together. I hate that i'm not attractive enough. I hate that you think you're a conceited bastard. I hate that I hate so many things. I wish you could be the one that ends it entirely but, of course you want to be friends or nothing. I want to be in a relationship or nothing. I suppose the common denominator is nothing. I'm not perfect. I wish you wouldn't say things to be nice. I want something real. I don't know why I unfalteringly like you. I just do. It's complicated but, you don't care. Don't try to make yourself feel bad over this. It's not worth it.

Not-Matt

P.S.
Don't read too much into this. I'm just angry and this isn't how I really feel.

People Just Aren't Like Us.

Probably some of the best advice I've ever received. It holds so much truth for me that I can't stop thinking about it. People just aren't like me.
I would be considerate.
I would be kind.
I would be harsh.
I would tell them how I feel.
I wouldn't know how to ask.
I would fall in love.
I wouldn't disregard.
I wouldn't be nice.
I wouldn't lie.
I wouldn't be cunningly condescending.
My Mother is sagely. Good phone conversations. I'm quite alright.

When it's so bad, It's funny

So, last night was literally the WORST night i've ever had. Well, almost. Sunday night last week was pretty bad. Oddly enough, there were similarities between the two nights...So, I get done with hanging out with The Russian (a friend of mine from Moscow) and instead of riding the bus that he was going to ride to get to SFSU, i assume that the M is working and walk all the way back to Harvey Milk Plaza in the light rain. Luckily, I had my umbrella. So, i'm walking in the rain all the way back to the M only to discover that it's undergoing repairs. I text my roommate to let her know that I'm going to be late because we were supposed to meet up at SFSU. I finally get on a substitute bus thing and make it to West Portal which is about a mile away from SFSU or so. However, there weren't any buses from West Portal to SFSU at that moment so, I decide to walk to school. In the rain. All the while alerting my roommate to the situation. I finally arrive at State after catching a bus halfway there and my roommate is nowhere to be found. As in she's not answering her phone, not answering my text messages. Needless to say, I'm a little upset. So, I finally get a hold of her and she's with some chick and isn't going to give me a ride home. Lovely. I try to call my attractive Play going companion who coincidentally had my warm pair of shoes in his possesion but, he was not available for the exchange of footwear. Wonderful. I walk to the bus stop in front of SFSU (still mildly wet) and encounter a fucking skunk (?!)
It didn't spray me but, still: WTF. On the bus ride home I become more and more infuriated as I think of how inconsiderate my roommate is for knowing that I was walking in the rain and leaving me not out to dry (because that would have been nice) but out to wet, I suppose. I finally get off of the 29 and try to catch the 14 to ride the remaining 12 or so blocks to my house. I wait for about a half an hour. It is now around 12 o clock and I am so fucking pissed, cold and wet it is no longer about me. It is about Fate trying to fuck with me. I catch the 14 but Lo! and Behold! there is a pothole in the road two blocks down and i have to trek the river of Mission, as it were, to get to my house. By this point, I've developed a philosophy:

I can either simply exist within it or simply exist without it.

I'm quite proud of that. It's very applicable to a lot of things. It kept me Zen and calm throughout the entire ordeal even when graced with the Icing on the cake: She locked the door.
So that I had to rifle through my bag in order to get my keys to end this fucking water torture. I burst into the house, headed immediately to the shower, and went to bed. But, not before doing some homework because I have a midterm on Friday. This is turning out to be hilariously fucking tragic. But, i'm already almost over it.

I got a cool tattoo!

and a bracelet. The tattoo says "Crazy" (or so they say) I think i'll tell people that it says "Fire" or something...

Castro St.

So, this is a picture that I took with one of my most pleasing purchases to date: a pink keychain digital camera. It's quite cute and useful even though the pictures it takes aren't too great. I was at the Castro street fair for most of the day. it was a lovely experience despite the fact that I was supposed to be singing with more that 2 people. I love the fact that they showed up, I just wished that we could have at least had an entire choral representation...Oh well, I had fun!

Don't make it a big deal

Don't be so sensitive. I really shouldn't be so defensive. Nobody in particular called me to hang out or do anything. And for some reason, I'm quite bummed out about it. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance of some sort. I mean, honestly, I know in my heart of hearts that the way that I am acting is RIDICULOUS. But, I can't help it. Hmmmm...I know that I'm crazy. Can I still be called such? I'll be over it soon enough. At least tonight I got to hang out with my Step-mom and Sister. So, really someone did call me to hang out and I should just quit my bitchin'
haha. We had the most delicious crepes at the Squat and Gobble in West Portal. I saved half of mine. ( ^ _ ^) <---This is a graphic representation of me in QWERTY board characters after I've gorged myself on melty, cheesey goodness.
Also, tomorrow I'm going to the Castro Street Fair which I am planning on making a very fun time. Choir in conjuction with a street fair couldn't be too bad. The only problem is that I must wake up tomorrow at 6am. But, that's okay. It will all be worth it in the end. As of right now I feel that my mood can be accurately described as:

Content{SadAnxious.happy?

Like Vines

We intertwined. I have this song stuck in my head right now. It's quite lovely. Another thing I have stuck in my head is Where am I going? What the FUCK is going on? No clue...
Bleh.
This weekend should be fun, though. I've already taken a four hour nap so, I should be up most of the night. Tomorrow, I will probably catch up on the monstrous amount of homework that I must complete. Music theory is not proving to be as effortless as I had initially hoped. But, it is my passion and I will make an effort towards perfection. American Indian studies is also not proving to be as effortless as I hoped. The difference between AIS and Music is that I couldn't care less about American Indian studies. Honestly, I'm doing the work so that I don't have to repeat the course. And it sounded so interesting....
On Sunday, I'm going to be performing at the Castro Street Fair. My choir, GLAM, is showing up to do a few numbers and pretty much get awareness out there. It's going to be a most enjoyable experience.

One more Day

Hmmmm...There seems to be a trend going here. I've had so much happen to me in the past few days that I feel the necessity to blog every day. This is kind of a good thing, I suppose. In most recent news, I have learned that my bank may or may not exist in San Francisco which is most upsetting. Especially, because I will finally have cash to deposit once I turn in my time sheet to Lyric today. It proved very difficult to find, even with an address. Maybe I'll try once again without being distracted. Speaking of distraction, the reason I was in that remote part of town was because my attractive play going companion and I were looking for yet another kind of obscure bank. He needed to deposity money and apparently all of the banks that don't exist in other parts of San Francisco are concentrated in a 5 block radius. We ended up hanging out in a park with a wonderful view. I simply don't know what's going on but, I suppose I will enjoy it. It would behoove me not to fall head over heels for beautiful boys who write me poems. They're nothing but trouble.

Balancing act

So, I still don't know where I stand in my personal life. But, professionally I seem to be looking up. I (finally) recieved a response from California Overnight. Hopefully I'll be able to combine my earnings from the Lyric internship and being a courier on foot to make rent without having to beg my parents for money. That would be great seeing as how I am almost an adult now. Almost. Incidentally, I realized that I have only a month to go until I am "legal". This is quite wondeful yet scary. I'm going to have to be able to juggle by then. Well, actually I think I'll ease myself into juggling aspects of my life as they come. So far, academia and social life have been not without difficulties but, ultimately easy enough. Adding another aspect shouldn't be too hard, right?

Awesome/Terrible Days

And last night was probably the worst that I've had since I've been here. Cold, hungry, lost and Angry. Not a good combination, if I do say so myself. Everything kind of spiraled out of control. I'm not all better now but, I'm working on it. We're friends again. I have no idea how that's going to work out but, I'll kind of go it one day at a time. I really do like him, though....
Whatever. That's enough of that. I'm kind of heartsick but, at least I'm alive and well and warm.
And, I started my Lyric internship! whoo hoo. $10 bucks an hour to make the world a better place. Quite exciting. Also exciting is the fact that I get to sleep in tomorrow and the fact that i didn't have to go to my late night class (which I would still be in, by the way, if she hadn't cancelled it) and also roller coasters. Yep. roller coasters are most excitng.

Disregard that last post

Isn't it funny how you think you know something for sure and it turns out wrong? Funny, funny, funny. Oh well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to be. For some reason, there's this panging hurt in my chest and I wish it would stop. I didn't even really like him that much. It's probably because of the fact that I had to ride the bus home last night for such a long time. Being/feeling lost can do that. Bus fumes can do that. Well, I've learned some things about myself and about life. In my languid depression, I can still analytically assess the situation. I hate feeling powerless. I hate being in this position. I hate being cold. Why is it so cold here? Gahhh