Joo Lie

It's coming. 

It's coming.

It's coming.

July, in all of it's wondrous glory, shall soon be upon us. I take this opportunity to write one last blog for June; to bid farewell to everything that happened. Goodbye Gay Pride, Mom's Birthday, Trip home. Hello 4th of July, (another) Trip home, end of Summer school. I look forward to everything that I know will happen and everything that I think might happen. According to my horoscope everything is looking forward (like it wasn't already). Last week I was supposed to "loosen my inhibitions". This week, I am supposed to "Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you've had since your last mudwrestle with the angel." Oh, Rob Brezny. You never cease to provide entertainment, if nothing else. 

One thing on a serious note: I noticed, when talking to friends, how strangely I feel about relationships in general. Platonic relationships are strange beings. I have come to evaluate and treasure mine moreso in the past half a year. Romantic relationships are legitimate pursuits, yes? So why do I feel so opposed to them? Then again, I guess I have to make an announcement a la Sasha Cagen, the creator of quirkyalone.net

http://quirkyalone.net/index.php/2009/06/21/the-truth-about-me-and-quirkyalone-ten-years-later/

Like Sasha, I must admit that I too would enjoy a relationship (who wouldn't  and more importantly, how can they not?) I am staunchly opposed to seeking happiness in another person, or being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, or being in a relationship when it isn't the absolute best thing for me at the time. So, I still find myself quirky and alone. He's not going to fall out of the sky and whisk me away. I'm okay by myself, right? I would have to say that the thing that I dislike about them so much is that everyone seems to need to be in one so much. This I simply can't abide by. Sure, If one comes along, it comes. But if it doesn't I must be okay without it. There isn't really an alternative to that is there? One question I haven't found an answer for: Why do I want one? 

hmmmm...if the answer can't be found, the matter is something I don't have a definitive opinion about. It's maddening. Oh well, life will continue whether or not I know how I feel. 

Proud, I guess.

Here is the giant Disco ball at the Pink Party. This weekend was very, very eventful. In every sense of the word. I hung out with friends from Davis, danced a lot, Partied a lot, and Slept....not so much. So much gayness in a very small timeframe/area. I did NOT act like a slut at all. Something I'm somewhat proud of. I did, however ditch a few friends who apparently wanted to hang out with me. Something I feel less than proud of...

Oh well, Life keeps happening I guess. I ended Sunday after going out until 2am with a sort of calm, reflective melancholy. I find myself slipping more and more into that mood as time passes. It's better than raging at life for not going exactly as I hoped/planned/expected.  And it's not so bad. I'm enjoying Life. Just thinking about things. Don't worry. I'm good : ]

Fun Fun Fun Fun

All the time. Every day. That's how I like it and that's how it should be. hee hee. 

So, I've been listening to Regina Spektor's new album, which is pretty much amazing.

I've been hanging with friends and going to the gym and enjoying my free time. Doing well in my class and all that jazz. 

This weekend is Pride. You know how I'm going to celebrate? Going out. Every single night. Starting now. 

Tonight: Club. 

Tomorrow night: Sleep-over.

 Saturday night: Party.

 Sunday night: Club

Indeed. Today was already fun and it's only going to get better. I hung out with Dwyn and some friends and had some adventures. Now, tonight begins more fun. Dancing and all that stuff. I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. Happy times abound, yes? 

Who am I?

shall I condemn this man to slavery?

Pretend I do not feel his agony?

This innocent who wears my face and goes to judgement in my place...

Who am I? 

oh, Les Miserables. So poignant and topical. So rock n roll. 

But seriously. I've been struggling with this question (as we all must) and have yet to come up with a satisfying answer. I think that's kinda the point. Part of me is someone who needs a satisfying answer for every question I can come up with. I think that's where a lot of my dissatisfaction comes from. I want to know what I want. I want to know if it's okay that I want some things that are just...stupid. And unnecessary. I wish that I didn't want so much. And there it is. If only I could be satisfied with what I have presently. But then, for the most part I am. I'm pretty much content and rational to the point of boredom. But I'm not boring. hm.

I've been reading a lot. Right now it's The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra. There's a lot of stuff in there. Apparently I am no one. And everyone. 

This is my whiteboard

It's like my window to the universe. Or my window to myself. Or maybe both because it's really the same thing...

Anyways. It's magic right now. Because whatever I write on it gets done. I wrote 

"Lock Door!"

"Feel Infinite" 

"Take Out Trash"

"...And you're still aweseome."

True that. 

I went to the library today. Checked out The Perks of Being a Wall flower and read it all in a couple hours. So gooooood. I can definitely empathize with the main character quite a bit. I only wish our lives were a little bit more simple. Or maybe not. It's all part of some fucked-up beautiful process that some days makes me want to kill myself and most days makes me want to sing. 

Dream Dream Dream

If only blogging and text in general could have melody... The title of this post is supposed to go the tune of the Everly Brothers' "All I have to do is Dream". Go ahead, sing it for yourself : ]

Anyways, I've been having some really intense dreams as of late. I can't remember all of the details but, I KNOW there's a lot going on there. The first involved me discovering a baby deer the size of a hamster to show my little brother and then happening upon a battle of witches that looked like contestants from America's Next Top Model. This last one was kind of a nightmare in which it was discovered that a five star restaurant I happened to be eating at was actually promoting cannabalism. I don't know why it scared everyone in my dream so much but, I also vaguely remember getting into an argument with my sister and earning the nickname "Brazil". Strange. 

I've also been reading Deepak Chopra, who is both easier and more difficult to understand than I thought. I seem to have started the Lessons that I have read so far already, before even opening the book. One chapter particularly resonates with me (so much so that I would have opened it directly to that page because it's pertinent) that I can't stop thinking about it. It's all about consciousness and awareness and intelligence. This whole thing seems to be a random collection of information and energy and I only have to exist within it. Though I have to ask the question : Am I dreaming of the witches and cannibals or are they dreaming of me? 

Contentment

So, I've been doing what i've been doing. 

Going to school, Going to the gym, practicing my face off. I have a few goals and I'm working towards them as dilligently as I can. This must be what contentment feels like.  How funny that I'm striving for something in the future and yet sporadically being okay in the moment. As long as I'm relatively okay. I'm aware that this time in my life will be one I will look back and be very, very thankful that I have the time and space to being working so hard at stuff that I want to accomplish. Maybe it's the fact that I don't have to work. Maybe it's the climate. All I can say is that even though I'm not ecstatic to be alive, I'm okay with this. 

Better Myself?

So, I started this idea that I'm going to better myself every day over the summer. I'm going to read and study and work out and practice and enjoy my life. That sounded like a pretty good idea until I thought about it. Better Myself? Really? That would imply that I am somehow not good enough. Or that I'm somehow not where I need to be. Which is preposterous, really. I like me just as I am, thanks.

So, here I am. Not the smartest, the strongest or fastest. I'm not ripped or the world's best trumpet player. Nah, I'm just chillin' with my bro. Eating cookies back in Nipas. Just fine. 

Also, too, in addition. My family is without internet and very soon to be without home. If you're reading this and happen to have a spare moment, give them some kind thoughts/energy/love, please? If anyone who happens to live at 223 W. dana at the moment is reading this...well, I love you.

New life, Change, Birth and Rebirth

It was my Mama's birthday yesterday. Wow, was it only yesterday...?
I view this period of our lives as an opportunity to change for the better.
So many things are changing. In huge ways.

Happy Birthday, Mom! This year is going to be a good one!

The last trip "Home"

strange and bittersweet to think that this was the last time I will ever visit the physical manifestation of home. The CSBK will come to foreclose on July 8th (if not sooner) and after that, our domicile will be no more. I hung out with La Familia and friends. We went to LA to see a badly written independent film. I gained weight. I unfortunately didn't get to see my sister graduate, I went to Farmer's Market, and drove around. Kind of anti-climactic.

My time

there seems to be a demand for it, now that I'm in Nipomo. I'm hanging out with as many people as I can. Sadly, I'm also not practicing or running like I thought I would once I returned to my hometown. I wish I had a camera to post pictures and such. This is my first post of June. It's not very exciting...but I like it that way. The "exciting" posts seem to only happen when I'm depressed. I like where I am right now in comparison to where I have been. It hasn't been good for me to focus on what was or what will be. So, now I think I will be thankful that I'm here, seeing people that I love and enjoying this company and space that I'm lucky to have.