Entwicklung

Growing, changing, doing stuff.


Letting it happen but trying to focus in a positive direction...

I'm trying to focus on all of the amazing, positive things that I've done this year. It's actually not that difficult...

: ]

I moved across the world
I've basically finished my degrees
I've worked (and worked it)
I've become a LOT better at German
I've gotten in really good shape
I've begun to enjoy my life more frequently
I've begun to appreciate things more

Very awesome. I'm pretty sure 2011 was a turning point for me. The best thing about it was that it was good....but 2012 will definitely be better : ]

Merry...Weihnachten?

video.

Something about lemons

and getting them or going the other way or something...I dunno.

This last weekend was quite possibly the most UNsatisfying weekend I've had thus far. Outside of a short party on Friday and a lovely brunch with some new German friends, everything was terrible. Or everything was great outside of most of Saturday and Sunday...

Friday night, a friend and I ditched a pretty chill party to go to a club where I ended up having to pay 50 euros because I lost my payment-tally-card-thing because, ya know, GERMANY.

Saturday was spent recovering because I didn't get home until 7AM.

Sunday was the brunch which was actually cool and cheap and yummy. And then I went out on this date with a guy that ended up being kind of drunk and loser-y and mad that I didn't want to go home with him. After the first date. Ooookay.

So, now I'm going to school.

Like you do

I went to Thanksgiving dinner in Tübingen this weekend. It confirmed a few things...One, that I like to eat. Two, that I'm really glad I didn't go to Tübingen my first semester. Yep. Heidelberg is where I should be.

I've been listening to Regina Spektor a lot. Oh Regina...

I've also decided that I want these:

http://seavees.com/images/uploads/55b61532_sMax.jpg

for the winter. If I have to wear winter boots, I might as well be fashionable. Also, they're out of San Francisco, which is cool. I also need a jacket...In a perfect world where money is nothing, I would have already bought the €200 one at EDC or I would buy this work of art

http://web233.revolveclothing.com/images/p/n/d/KRAN-MO2_V1.jpg

alas, I'm not rich and comfortable yet.


One thing that stuck with me was hanging out with my friend, she used the phrase "All I do in Stuttgart is have fun"

Wow. I'm going to be more like that. I feel like I'm in a position where I should be having fun. Tons of it. So let's start, okay?

Week.

I feel it.

I have a lot to do this week...and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I have to not be sick, finish my DAAD application, homework, work out and work on the DAI project outline. Oof. Too much to think about on a Sunday evening.

Sickness

I knew it was going to happen eventually.

My roommate has infected me. I can't talk or sing and it sucks. Oh well...It'll pass. Like everything else.

I get sick, I get sad, I get hungry, I'm okay. And it all goes away.

Not into today

I just wasn't...Woke up after getting too little sleep, Went to class, came back home and slept. and slept. and didn't go to the gym. and slept. Then I went to class again which wasn't that bad, despite being super confusing and discussing Hegel (?) in a class about Franz Schubert. Oh well...I think I got most of it, which is surprising. Then Choir rehearsal. I like singing...I wish it didn't hurt sometimes.

And now, after having me a Time, I'm going to go to sleep again and hopefully everything will get better like it did the last time.

Booooooundaries

Okay.

So...not okay.

I've been thinking about something and despite how incredibly dramatic and emo it sounds, it kind of makes sense:

I build walls not to keep people out but, to see who cares enough to break them down.


For the most part, that's true. Although, there are people who I'd pretty much like to keep out...or at least to a safe distance. UGH. Vulnerability. I should either learn to be okay with it or...I dunno. Something else. I'd much rather be happy and light and relaxed and everything. But, for some reason...things bother me. Like when people forget my birthday. Even though I pretty much wanted to spend it all alone, eating ice cream in the dark (But seriously)
I wish I could be, like I say so often, Over it. Beyond it. Above it. Yet it pulls me back. Because I'm human and feel the need to sometimes connect to people. Despite how disappointing we are. BUHHHHHHHHH...High school. Feelings. Bleh.

On a better note, I did get Birthday cards today. With Candy und Geld. Mmmmm Geld....and Caaaandy....

Birthday Food

and that is just a few of the thousands of calories I ate. Oh well, I feel the need to eat my feelings this birthday.
I went out with my roommate, met up with the "eh"-mericans, had dinner and ultimately didn't end up watching Bridget Jones' Diary with a carton of ice cream and sweatpants. Which is something...

I'm still 21

Yep. For a few more hours at least.

My last day of being 21 one has been/will be spent being in class, meeting with the Coordinator for the CSU/IP program, going to the gym, working on my "Other America" thing and going to Choir rehearsal. Fairly okay, I guess.

all hallow's eve

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Nah, it's okay. I'm here in my room. I could have gone out with my roommate (really ein Toller Kerl) but instead I stayed home.

I feel weird and my chest hurts. Also, I miss my friends. It seemed like not so long ago that I was Rufio and we were AWESOME.

buh.

It's taking a lot more effort than I realized it would. I had a presentation today, which was interesting. I thought it would be a good idea to go first, even though I only had 6 days to prepare. I got through it, even though it was a bit short. Afterwards, I carried my trumpet (the primary visual/aural aid) back to my house and social(?)ized with the Roomie.

Tonight's gonna be a good, good niiiiiight.

I really should get this chest thing looked into.

Happy-ness

I've been stumbling (despite my efforts to stay off of the computer) upon websites that provide insights on being happy. "Seven steps to Happiness" or " 5 ways you could be happier" or something or other. These sites seem to only remind me that there's something missing. Or rather, they give a specific example of something that could be better in my life. hmmm...

went out last night. That was a situation. My roommate is an interesting, awkward social experiment. Trapped in the closet, worried about what others think of him, painfully aware of cultural misunderstandings. I see a lot of myself in him. We mean well, I guess.

I didn't get into Orchestra. Surprise, surprise. Oh well, I guess I'll have to do something else to silence that obnoxious voice in my head shrieking "You brought that bullshit for nothing. It was heavy!"

I made a stir-fry today. Getting better at cooking is good. I need to go eat that, and then work on a presentation that I have for my German class tomorrow.

I feel old sometimes

Too old to be running around like I do. Which is funny because I'm only TWENTY-ONE years old. Although my birthday is in 8 days. Rundown of the week:

Went to Frankfurt, then Heidelberg, then France (!) and sang in a Church

Had the first of a succession of "WHAT THE FUCK I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR THIS" moments in my Einführung in die Kulturwissenschaft class. Only the vaguest of clues what my teacher was talking about.

Spoke with Frau Brosius, head of the Master's Dept. of Transcultural Studies about my project with the DAI. Felt extremely dumb and unprepared.

Had dinner with an American friend who, I'll admit, is amusing in small doses

Went to the Gym

Spoke to the DAI folks about what I might want to do maybe. Possibly.

Had an "eh" audition. It might work. I sounded good in the practice room, at least.

Went to Choir rehearsal.

And now I'm home. Peaks and Valleys. I feel really smart in some of my classes (which is comfortable and I like) and very, very dumb in others (which I hate beyond all reason)

You win some, you lose some.

Creatures

So, so hot in here feels like a jungle, yeahhhh

I wish. It's super cold and I'm definitely (NOT) getting sick. All that aside, I've been visited by all forms of wildlife

Like this kleiner Marienkäfer. Apparently they are lucky here so...that's a good thing. I also encountered this little guy outside..

I didn't even realize Germany had hedgehogs but...that's a thing, I guess.

Today was my first day of a couple of classes that hadn't started yet. I'm into it, even though I was really tired from last night. I still feel like I'm "playing school". Classes don't meet more than once a week which I find to be a little alarming. False sense of security...hoo-boy. I'm still learning and enjoying myself, though : ]

Cultural expectation

Class today. Didn't actually speak to any Germans but I did meet a pair of lovely English girls. Aaaand here I am. It's 8:38 and I'm strongly considering going to bed because I have nothing else better to do. Did my homework, practiced and read a little bit. I'm going to the gym for the first time in a loooong time tomorrow. Also, choir where I will definitely try to be more friendly than I usually am.

My roommates mom is here fussing around all of his stuff. It made me wish my mom could do that, too. Oh well..such is the life of someone who lives a babillion miles away from everything.

Also, I'm ready to be fluent in this goddamn language already. Not communicating with people as well as I would like to is starting to be frustrating.

I hit the ground running. Why is everything taking so long?

Frriieennddsss

You know what? I want friends. Really real authentic, German friends. Thus far I've made some acquaintances with americans, made a couple of nods to the other Austauschstudenten and met my roommate but I think tomorrow I shall actually go to class and go out of my way to strike up a conversation. IN GERMAN.

it's funny how much this whole language thing back home can inhibit your personality. I find myself struggling to express myself, something that came so easily before. Oh well practice, practice, practice.

Speaking of practice, I'm still doing that. For some reason, there's a church in my dorm and the acoustic is pretty good. Also, I'm getting better at singing which is cool. Tomorrow begins the next week of classes, to which I'm looking forward. I have a meeting with a pretty important university guy tomorrow. Yes. Good things.

But most of all, friends. I spent Saturday night at home by myself. What up wit dat?

Stuff to work on

For some reason I felt the need to post one of those "Uplifting and happy" blogs that I sometimes do. I feel.....strange. Today I had a really good day, I went to the a Flohmarkt and got a pencil holder for 50 cents and then I went to the castle, and had delicious thai food. All in all, great. Then why do I feel less than spectacular? Just a little...blah. I dunno. Oh well, I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to. So that's that. I was stumbling on the interwebs and came across the phrase

"your outlook on life is directly related to how much you like yourself"

I like myself pretty much. There's always a couple of things that I could work on but overall, I would say I'm an okay guy. Generally. Right? Then I guess it makes sense that everything isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts and giggles. But pretty much okay. With stuff to work on...

Produktiv

So lately I haven't been doing everything that I want to...but I've been doing at least one or two of the plethora of things that I want to work on each day. So, that's good. That list includes

Studying German

Working out

Working on my Scholarship letters

Tidying up my room

Stretching/yoga

Practicing Trumpet/Choir Music

Every day I'm a little bit better than the day before, though. If only I could manage to do a little bit of ALL of those things every day. That's the next step, I guess.

I'm here

I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly; but dear God, I'm Here! I'm Here!

And that's my name. Less than a month and I'm already getting paid to sing in churches. Sweeeeet. Leading sectionals, being in choirs, Orchestra audition in a couple of weeks. Music is still alive, everyone.

I hit the ground running, it would seem. It might have something to do with the constant gnawing away at my belly (whatamigonnadowhatamigonnadowhatamigonnado)

but I guess fear is as good a motivator as any. I'm looking for opportunities.

1.5

So, the german grading system is funky. it is as follows

• 1 (sehr gut, very good) is the best possible grade and is given for outstanding performance
• 2 (gut, good) is the next-highest and is given for performance that meets the standard completely and is above-average
• 3 (befriedigend, satisfactory) indicates "average" performance.
• 4 (ausreichend, sufficient) is the lowest passing grade and is given if the standard has been met but with a number of notable errors.
• 5 (mangelhaft, deficient) is the higher of two failing grades and is given if the standard has not been met but the basics have been understood.
• 6 (ungenügend, insufficient) is the lowest possible grade and is given if the standard has not been met and the basics have not been understood

It basically means that 1 is better than an A and 2 is kind of a B+ ish...and I got a 1.5 in my german course. That means I get to take the next level and I get an A on my transcript. BOOYA. Also, I've been singing in one of the large choirs and the director seems to have taken a liking to me. He invited me to sing in the chamber choir, a 6 piece group and apparently I'm going to be a Bass section leader? He kinda just surprised me with that last bit but, I've been (super healthily) craving the positive regard of others. Oh well, it's nice when it comes. It's nice when I think that I'm good at something and other people do, too.

Trouble in Paradise

So...I fear that I'm leaving the honeymoon stage. It was bound to happen some time...People are beginning to upset me. My American acquaintances seem to be under the impression that it's okay to hang out all day, err' day and speak nothing but English. If I wanted to make friends in California, I would have stayed in California. And then, when I decide to let my guard down and actually try to cultivate a friendship, it's met with "eh..."

Story of my life.

not so much into the vulnerability thing right now. It's most upsetting to me that in my interactions with seemingly everyone right now, there has to be some sort of front, guard, Grenze....stupid.

I'm in Germany

Yes. That is currently happening. I live in Europe. I'm going to school in Europe. I buy my groceries in Europe. Everything I do right now is in Europe. Because that's where I am. As in, not the country where I was born, spent 21 years of my life, went to high school and such....yeah.

It's weird.

I knew I would adapt to it fine. Everything is going smoothly, except the one thing that I had problems with: GERMAN. as in the language. The one that I can kind of speak. only kind of. After wounding my pride by taking an entrance exam, it was discovered that I am in the "Mittelstufe" or intermediate group. According to the Common European Framework of References for Langauges

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_European_Framework_of_Reference_for_Languages

I am of B1 proficiency. Which is all well and good to be understood at parties and in bars and such when you're speaking to friendly German people who are willing to overlook forgetting the genders of nouns and not declining your adjectives properly....but it's completely another thing when your strict German teacher expects you to remember to ALWAYS put the verb in the right place. buhhhhhh it's hard. And my goal is to be C1 by the end of the year...I have literally hundreds of hours of studying to do.

So, that's that. I'm taking a preparatory language course. Real school starts in October, I joined a choir (^^) and everything is expensive. Hopefully the Euro gets weaker or I find a job or something. It would be nice to get to travel and such....There's a low boil anxiety of "whatamigonnadowhatamigonnadowhatamigonnado" after this year but whatevs. I've been combating that by obsessive compulsively making lists and eating many, many pastries. Such is life.

It was never going to be easy

*sigh*

so, i'm in Germany. It's amazing. Berlin is a lot of fun and there's so much delicious food here. Good times....

However, all that comes crashing down when I get an email from the financial aid folks saying my deposit is set to be made...at half of the amount that I thought it was going to be. Great.

Oh well, that just means I will have to worry about money, even though I thought I wouldn't. Moving across the world and studying in a language in which I am not completely fluent wasn't enough, I guess.

Oh well. I'll make it work. I'm smart and resourceful. Already researching scholarships/applications for Graduate school.

Test run

Because I'm neurotic and I can't stand surprises. I went to the airport today with my carry-on to MAKE SURE that it would fit. I also asked questions about my itinerary, which was good because the very helpful attendant gave me a confirmation number that wasn't on the printout that I had. I knew it looked different than the last time I flew...And now I can just show up (early) and get to the plane without stressing myself out. Perfect.

I have 11 days left before I fly to Germany. Thursday, I'm ridesharing back to SLO for the very last time for a while. Saturday, I'll need to figure out because greyhound doesn't sell online tickets for that schedule which is super convenient...I'll probably just buy the refundable greyhound ticket and try to find a rideshare for saturday evening. Making it happen!

My last First

I have 24 days left until my last day at work. Then it will really be me who is in "transitions"...haha. It's not like I haven't been transitioning all this time. I moved into my new room today. That was fun...the guy who was living here before finally decided to move out. I think the juxtaposition of how chill my landlord is to how pedantic I have to be is interesting. Welp, regardless i'm in my new room now and it's very nice. I have 26 more days until I go to Europe and it's really sinking in. The few days I will be here will be spent working and saving, punctuated by fun, relaxing days with friends : ]

SLO (maybe the last time?)

Viola friend's wedding! She looked beautiful, the cake was delicious, lots of SF friends in a beautiful venue in San Luis Obispo. All in all, great time.

I saw my Mother's new house. It was nice and good to see her in a permanent place.

I rented a car (all by myself like a grown-up) and drove stuff down there to leave at my Dad's house. On the way back, came up with Cello Spieler friend and his girlfriend who are both lovely people.

It was strange being in SLO with SF friends but it was all good. Trust, we raged. I also hung out with a friend from SLO who I will be going to the same university with in Germany. That night was crazy in so many ways.

I'm quite pleased with my weekend. The last thing I had to look forward to during the Summer is over. Now, 33 days left and I'm on the other side of the planet.

I have the best attitiude

Someone told me this at work today. It was a little bit of a shock, as this is not something I think I've ever heard. I have 39 days left at this place and you know what? I think I can do it. I think I can get through this obstacle and move on to a new, awesome part of my life. It's a means to an end. I can do it and have a good attitude while I do. Surprising but, it's true.

Always.

Everything must come to an end. I'm moving towards the end of my experience living in my current apartment (yeah, I'm going to be living in another apartment for a month and no, it wasn't without it's own stresses). I'm going to be living in another country very soon. 40 days, actually. I've done a lot of paring down and packing to prepare. Packing test runs! Yet another way my obsessive compulsions manifest themselves. In all this time, working and cleaning and exercising, I haven't been able to do many fun things. I did, however, manage to go see Harry Potter 7 Part 2It was awesome and bittersweet. It made me wish for less complicated times and glad that I have some awesome memories with friends to look back on. I still get a pang in my stomach when I think: this part of my life is almost over. It'll be something that, for better or worse, I'll always remember.

Next week, I communicate with my new landlord, rent my first car, travel down to San Luis Obispo for a friends wedding (The fact that something like a wedding could still exist seems wonderful to me) eat what remains of my food, give my futon away and move into my new apartment. It's coming.

Weekend

Hung out with friends

Gave away my desk.

Got my debit card stolen, did some detective work and found out who stole it.

Worked on my quilt.

Cleared out more junk in preparation for leaving.

Ich bin kein Sonntagskind. But I make it work. That's just how I am.

memory quilt

Yep. I was gettin' crafty.

With my super jank/tiny/cute sewing machine. I learned (after two separate rounds of packing test runs) that I have waaaay too many t-shirts. I could have thrown them all away because their just material things but, I also have some sentiment...I guess...Also, I had some free time these last few days. So, I cut out squares of fabric and made a blanket out of them. It's about half done...

I still need to give it a back and stuffing. It didn't turn out so bad for me having no idea what I'm doing. I suppose it'll keep me warm and toasty in Deutschland. You know, because I'm going in 53 days : ]

Prideful

There's no place like home....or San Francisco...or both, as the case may be.

My job, as banal as it can be sometimes, decided to participate in SF's Gay Pride parade. I took this as an opportunity to be fabulous on all accounts. A reprisal of my role as the Tin-Man, albeit a little less clothed, was a marvelous undertaking. I'm still a bit sick a few days later but it was worth it. And today I have 18 days of p90x under my belt (as you might notice in the picture) and the first month of my laborious contract is over! Huzzah!

Hungry

like a hungry, hungry hippo.

I hope it means that I'm burning a lot of calories but GODDAMMIT am I hungry. I mean, I was always kind of an eater (read: always watching, always eating, always judging) but lately I've been saying OM NOM NOM frequently. Big meals, too.

I suppose you could take this a step further:

I am hungry for change

I am hungry for things to settle down

I am hungry for big things

I am hungry to one day not work for more than two days at a time.

Starrrvvvinnnggggg

August Twentyseventh

In just a few shoooorrrtttttt months, I'll be a few thousand dollars richer, in WAY better shape and ready to move on to the next exciting, awesome adventure. I just have to deal with the job and the roommates and the workout fatigue. Small obstacles to conquer!

Here I am, on my lunch break. Looking for something more to eat. Boy, am I hungry. Apparently tonight's work-out is Kenpo inspired. That'll be fun.

rrrrrripped

I've started doing p90x. Apparently, at the end of the third phase I should be in pretty decent shape. I've been "bringing it" according to the work out DVDs. Also, watching what I eat and trying to be generally healthier. So, that's good. This whole "job" thing makes me really thankful for the few hours that I have off each day. It might be the endorphins or whatever, but I'm in a pretty good mood lately. I guess that comes with not being financially destitute or a slob. Cool.

21.6 cents per minute

It's starting. I got my first paycheck today. Whooooo!

I've done some math: with the scholarship(S!) i'm getting and all the work I'm going to be doing this summer, I should be A-okeymothafucking-kay for Germany. Now all I have to do is not get fired during the next three months.

I'm looking forward to Germany. And Viola-friend's wedding, pride, weekends, Good stuff : ]

Also, I just started going to the gym. That'll be pretty sweet.

Emotionally fragile

sweatpants and a whole carton of ice-cream: The Gian Hernandez story.

hahahaha. Oh well, going to start going to the gym tomorrow. Let's see how many days that's going to last (weeks? months? hopefully)

was thinking about all of them boys. Those stupid, stupid boys. The ones I've known and the ones I haven't. The ones that were slightly less stupid and the ones that were infinitely more....

attractive play-going companion- I guess I never did see you at graduation. hahaha

Special Friend - glad we're going to stay on opposite ends of the planet.

The Russian - we'll be closer physically but still distant probably

Blue eyed boy - now *I* am the unavailable one

Mein Freund - hoo boy...

And here's to the more to come.

Soulless

This is it. During the first weekend off from my recently acquired job, I feel like I must slowly grow back the humanity that was stripped from me by punching the 9 -5 (6 actually) clock. These few days have taught me a lot about myself. The thing that I take away the most from this experience is that I could never, ever, ever work a job like this if it was the last thing that I ever did. I couldn't. If I never hear the words "verify" or "security" again, it will be too soon.

However, it is a means to an end. And I shouldn't blog about it too much because I don't want to end up like one of my favorite bloggers, who was fired for complaining about her job. Scary. I need this too much. Even if it means no freedom during the summer. Germany, Germany, Germany, Here I come.

I'm so close

Last jury ever. Last day at San Francisco State.

So very, very glad to be done.

After I played my jury, I got feedback. Not the grade (which is kind of the only thing I wanted to know) but I did hear from the orchestra director that I am one of the few people at this school who is so close to achieving what I want, that it's frustrating when I don't play my best. hm. Interesting.

I'm really looking forward to what happens next in my life. I think it's going to be good.

All packed up for Germany!

And yet...it's 3 months and lots of dollars away...

oh well. Cleaned my room today. Downsized and got rid of a lot of crap that I didn't need. It feels good, despite my body being not so much with it.

Woke up this morning congested and with that back thing that's happened a couple of times before. One of the best things about leaving this apartment will be the god-awful bed.

Hopefully going home for a few days on monday. Then, coming back and finding a job. I'm looking forward to ending this chapter of my life.

No No No

I want to be able to do this all by myself.

It's taken me a little while to realize this but, I've become addicted to being independent. Being on my own since 17 bred a fierce need in me to get shit done without anyone else's approval or assistance.

That being said, it hurts when I ask and don't receive. Well not so much "ask" as put in a request in the form of hard work that doesn't pay off. Why did I ever think that putting myself in the position to be rejected would be comfortable? or easy?

I hate applying for scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of working for hours and putting myself (on paper) out there only to have nameless, faceless (presumably white, heterosexual, males) give me a thumbs down.

I hate being rejected. In any capacity. I hate making myself vulnerable. I hate being right.

So, I still need thousands of dollars. I don't know what to do...

O Fortuna (reprise)

Last night, after my last performance with SFSU, we all ended up going out and getting pizza. So, something that doesn't piss me off. Good.

For some reason, I'm actually practicing. And for some reason, it actually doesn't sound terrible....how appropriate that right when I don't need them to, my chops resurrect themselves. Grrrreat. Of course, when I try and play in front of people, it'll pull some Warner-Brothers frog voodoo witchcraft and disappear. Oh well. Trumpet playing isn't important anymore.

Still can't find a job. Did some math about my finances.....I need a job.

One week until school is over. All I have is a 4-page reflection paper and my jury in the way of me and sweet, sweet freedom. kinda.

O Fortuna

Stuff keeps happening.

Another couple of rejections from scholarship committees...A former friend's birthday...School ending...all kinds of things.

Came home from a mediocre performance of Carmina Burana. Just didn't want to hang out with friends even though I was hungry and they wanted to go to In-n-out. Spent the rest of the night at home trying to find/do/watch something that wouldn't piss me off even more. I'm not even really sure what's wrong...

My eye won't stop twitching.

It's possible

I sent off my study abroad application today. 500 dollars later...

Everything will work out. It has to. The thought that has been keeping me going lately is "No matter what, I'm going to be done with this." San Francisco State can't hold me back. Even if I fail classes (which I'm pretty sure I won't), even if I don't have enough units to graduate (despite having 58 more than is necessary) There is nothing they can do to stop the flow of time. And eventually, I will never have to attend classes there. Ever again.

I had lunch with my German Professor. He's so nice, he even hugged me afterwards : ]

And right before the LAST rehearsal I will ever have with the SFSU orchestra, I learned that I am one of the recipients of the Markowski-Leach scholarship. $1500 dollars and the even more valuable affirmation: Yes, I can win something. Yes, my hard work pays off occasionally. Yes, it is possible.

Ich drücke die Daumen

This week shall be glorious.

My food money comes in on Wednesday. I get my passport issue taken care of. I find out about the DAAD scholarship. Everything is a windfall. I'm one week closer to never dealing with the SFSU music department ever again. I take last quizzes, last tests and hand in last assignments.

I'm heading towards the light at the end

Do I want to?

I'm not sure if I can handle it.

Went to Study Abroad orientation today. After the (multiple) welcomes, we were berated by the assistant director to "not drink ever" and begged to ask questions but then told that every time we ask a question, we slow down the entire process....interesting...

We went to our individual, country specific info sessions where, at first we were in a room that was WAY too small for us (you know, Germany, the country with the largest amount of students studying abroad) and then we moved to HUM 133, an auditorium. The panel informing us about our year abroad seemed to be entirely Tübingen specific, which was great for the 50+ people in the audience going to Tübingen but not for the 9 or so of us in the advanced/intermediate program going other places. After nine million questions from peoples' over zealous parents and several questions from the stupid blonde girls in the back (um? I don't wanna live in a dorm with other people? can my parents pay for me to have my own apartment?) We got to the point where the conversation was literally making my stomach hurt. Everything was framed in the privileged, white, straight, bullshit way to which I can't relate . NO, my parents can't pay for anything. NO, my bank account doesn't have enough money in it to fill the bullshit forms even you don't understand. NO, I wasn't in four semesters of German but am somehow going to be taking classes in a language that I only kind of understand because I had to bite off probably more than I can chew.

I don't want to take out loans to experience this even though I want it so bad. My way of dealing with the stress (other than calling my mom and crying) was to find more scholarship applications online and start filling them out. I'm up to 35 now...basically trying to make it statistically impossible that I don't win some money. I HATE that it has to be about money.

So, all of this in addition to the regular goat rodeo that is the SFSU music department (orchestration, lessons, juries) and legitimate things that I have to do for my real degree (performance, watch/grade final presentations) it makes me question my motivation....oh well.

Priority

"Never make someone a priority to whom you are only an option."

I find this is more and more true in my life. More so with things than with people. I find myself giving myself up to pursue things only to have them not work....it's exhausting. I guess it makes it even more true when it happens on a personal level. I am only an option to quite a number of institutions, entities, people...It's frustrating.

I'm important. I matter. Even if you don't think so. Or think what I'm doing or what I'm going through is trivial.

Only

Three more weeks of classes. And then finals week!

That's exciting. Tuesday, I'm giving a presentation and boom! done with one class. Next week, grading is over for the class I'm TA'ing for AND we have a concert. done with both of those classes. Everything is falling into place. Of course, that's the week that I'm also going to be informed of my windfall of scholarship money. Early May.

Everything will be great.

My throat hurts

intensely. So much that it hurts to talk. or sing. Or play the trumpet. I'm a little scared that this means that I have vocal damage or something...it all started from singing when I was sick. Now, I think I'm fine...except for the constant throb in my neck.

So, I'm sick. And I'm still at school. Getting shit done. Project due on Tuesday. Assignments due. I'm a contributor. I'm a good student.

bleh.

Can I just be done?

No Power

There was a "planned" electrical shortage at SFSU today. After I had managed to drag myself to campus (still sick) to sing (which would have fucked up my vocal cords even more)

So, I went to get pho with friends. This was the only productive, fun time today. Other than that, it felt like such a waste. It still hurts to talk and such, maybe that's why I was in kind of a bad mood. Oh well.

Waiting to hear back from the scholarships. If I don't win one of two big ones or pretty much ALL the little ones, then I can't go. Not that I've been stressing out about it at all. Not that I've been waking up at night with stomach problems. Not that I've obsessive compulsively made an excel spreadsheet with all the scholarship info that I refer to on a daily basis....bleh.

Four weeks left of classes. I'm basically three major performances, a jury, a german essay, two regular essays, two presentations and three finals away from freedom. Can it just be summer already?

I Fucking Hate Sousa Marches.

Yep.

And that's where I'm at. A couple of my wonderful, amazing, lovely friends kidnapped me today to go get pho after orchestra rehearsal. I was supposed to go to Wind Uggggghh (ensemble) rehearsal but instead I was late and spent an hour talking and laughing and having fun with friends and relaxing and enjoying myself. Also, eating noodle soup which is good right now because my tonsils are HUGE right now and it hurts to swallow. Then...I went back to school.

Do you ever have one of those moods where literally EVERYONE just pisses you off? That was the rest of my night.

Hi, can you stop talking? I now you don't have to be here at all right now and you're just trying to be nice but the quality of your voice is painful. Kthanks.

Again, don't want to deal with you. Or you. or you. I have individualized reasons for literally every person in the 25 member ensemble. Christ.

I came to a realization as I was practicing this weekend. Soon. Very soon. 5 weeks, in fact. No matter what happens. Whether I crash and burn and not play another note and receive F's in all of my ensembles and lessons and throw a big middle finger to SFSU OR If I manage to keep it together. Regardless. I will be DONE playing trumpet affiliated with the SF state goat rodeo. Done and Done. I will only play what I want. And when I want. Ever. No matter what. And that, to me, is empowering and comforting and will get me through. No matter what.

: ]

Senioritis?

I'm going to miss the positive aspects of school. Like...uhh.......Friends! Friends are good. Also, not being a legitimate adult. As in not having to find a career and shit. That's a nice perk of being in college. On Wednesday, I found out that Chamber Singers might be going to China this summer, which would have been cool. I say "would have" because I found out on Thursday that it's happening next spring which makes me sad because I won't get to be a part of it. And then I thought, what will I be doing then? Hopefully living in Heidelberg. I found out on Friday that I got into the CSU/IP program. Step one: achieved. Now it's all about the money. Scholarships! I'm up to twenty-one so far. Hope I can do it. That'll be pretty sweet, I think. And after? Who knows. I'm a little afraid of what's going to happen. But, when have I ever not been slightly anxious, broke, neurotic, with a half-formed plan? It's been this way for a long time.

'Nawlins

It was amazing. Five days of muggy hot weather and singing with (some of the) people I love. Everything was great..except the parts that weren't hahaha. We had a lot of free time, during which I partook of something called a "Hurricane". Look it up if you're not familiar...those were the questionable moments. Anyways...

Chamber Singers is quite possibly the only ensemble in which I've ever been that makes me feel like I sound good sometimes. Well, Vocal Point. Actually. A'capawesome...My favorite moment was when the Nine of us were rehearsing "Lights" in my hotel room. We weren't even singing with intent to sound good. We were just singing together : ]

AND of course there was much food to be had. As per the maxim: If you're not eating you're not on tour. Po'boys and beignets...yummm.. I wish it was still spring break!

I played some music

and stuff. It went a lot better than I expected. Which isn't saying a whole lot but, there you are. I'm pleased with how it turned out and glad that I could get it out of the way so early. If only everything else were done as well...

Anyways, life has been alright this week. Hanging out with friends and work and school and such. Should be okay.

TWELVE

I have applied for twelve scholarships. Well, thirteen, really. But I already got a "no" back from them. It was upsetting. I should probably apply to another one because thirteen is an unlucky number...
Today I went to my study abroad interview, where they asked me all kindsa questions...questions like "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" ...well...because I had a performance right before this interview and things never seem to line up correctly. Incidentally, I also have no idea when Goethe was alive...or who the Prime minister of Germany is...which is unfortunate but there you are. So, now I have another thing to stress out about: did I get into the actual program? I can also ineffectively stress out about this which will be fun when I have other things to focus on. Like scholarship letters! I hate writing. I never sound even remotely like who I am as a person in anything. Even this blog....whatever. I need someone to proofread them but then I also don't want someone to find out how much of a huge douche I sound like when I write. Oh well. Whatever happens, happens.

Great day

I ran around Lake Merced today. It was a pleasant reminder that I'm not actually in terrible shape. It was a beautiful day and, because I woke up so early, I got to experience it. At work, I managed to get a lot of things done: Homework, Reading for classes (Including Audre Lorde's Power of the Erotic....amazing) Singing, applying for scholarships and Practicing Trumpet. And not even that managed to ruin my day. In fact, I played through my senior recital program and never got to the point where I had to stop due to fatigue. My biggest issue right now: Actually getting through everything. I came home and did laundry and cleaned my terrible, terrible room. The squalor was oppressive but now I feel somewhat clean. I'm also thinking about having to move and wanting to consolidate my stuff. I have SO much...and not much of it is actually necessary. Clothes. Books. EVERYWHERE.

so, yep. Today was a good one. I like where this is heading. My biggest stresser isn't that big. I can do it. I like this confident, capable feeling.

Things I want to hear

That I'm good enough. That what I say sounds like it makes sense. That I am musically talented enough to not end my trumpet-playing undergraduate career in shambles. That I'm worth finding attractive. That I'm a good friend. That I sing well. Comfortable silence.

Things I don't want to hear:

People talk about their successful love life. That I should work harder. People unaware of their own privilege or how much space they take up. Stupid questions whose answers can be found by using Google. My alarm at 7 am.

Getting things done

It's a good feeling. Lately, I've been feeling quite powerful in my achievements. I haven't crashed and burned yet. Good times.

This weekend we had a choir retreat that ate up most of my voice, my entire shift on Saturday and half of the time I usually have to get things done on the weekends. So, Sunday was a scramble to read for 3 classes, write a couple essays, practice a bit and study for German. Still figuring out when I'm going to have time to do my first big Orchestration homework. It will be funny being in that class for the first time this semester...Hermione Granger, double-booked, Time-turning bullshit...hahaha

At this point in my life, I feel like all I have to do is work hard and I get out what I put in. What a stark contrast from last semester's wheel-spinning, ineffective lethargy.

I'm good at some things

All it takes is a questionable lesson to get me back to that place..."wait...am I stupid? Do I really suck that bad??" The good part is, I don't have to feel that way anymore. Wednesday was terrible and I was overwhelmed and unworthy and pathetic and not feeling it.

And then comes Thursday: difficult, strenuous 12 hour, 15 unit Thursday. And I felt good. And capable. And FUCK YEAH I can do stuff. Because I'm smart and GOOD at some things. And even when I'm bad at stuff, it doesn't matter. I don't identify with the bad right now.

More pictures from Europe

El Palacio Real

La Plaza Mayor

Best Break Yet

This last winter break was far and away the most fun and relaxing times I've ever had since starting school. Quite possibly ever. I hung with friends and went home and ate a lot of food and had an awesome party. So far, so good. And THEN I went to Europe.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

and I'm going back. For an extended period of time. The thought of this alone is enough to get me through anything the rest of 2011 can throw at me. I'm looking back on/forward to awesome parties and speaking other languages and meeting beautiful, friendly people and having an amazing time. It was wonderful : ]

Haven't slept

I'm so excited. But, also this is a calculated move on my part to beat jetlag and maximize conscious Europe-time. I leave 6 hours from now. I woke up...too many hours ago to do the math right now. Also, sentences are difficult to form. I wonder what it will be like when I actually get my ass on the plane? I'm pretty sure I'll be out like a light. Success....

Waiting and Enjoying

I've been here on this lazy Sunday...just waiting and hanging out. It's quite relaxing. It's funny how pleasant life can be when you're not in school. It almost makes me wonder why I do it...?

Just waiting to go off to Spain. This weekend has been quite fun. Just hanging with friends and enjoying the surprisingly sunny (but admittedly still cold) San Francisco weather. It's looking like the weather abroad won't be much different than the weather here. Oh, I can't wait for Madrid, Frankfurt, Hamburg, Essen, Berlin, Heidelberg and Tübingen.

Two thousand Eleven

So, quite possibly this is the best break I have ever had.

I feel good about that.

It might have something to do with how terrible the semester was but then again it might just also be because the past few weeks have been a lot of fun. Hanging out with friends, Going Home and not wanting to punch everything, Super Rocking Party. All really great things.

So now all I must do is tie up a couple of loose ends before heading off to Europe. It's going to be cold and beautiful : ]