Okay.
So...not okay.
I've been thinking about something and despite how incredibly dramatic and emo it sounds, it kind of makes sense:
I build walls not to keep people out but, to see who cares enough to break them down.
For the most part, that's true. Although, there are people who I'd pretty much like to keep out...or at least to a safe distance. UGH. Vulnerability. I should either learn to be okay with it or...I dunno. Something else. I'd much rather be happy and light and relaxed and everything. But, for some reason...things bother me. Like when people forget my birthday. Even though I pretty much wanted to spend it all alone, eating ice cream in the dark (But seriously)
I wish I could be, like I say so often, Over it. Beyond it. Above it. Yet it pulls me back. Because I'm human and feel the need to sometimes connect to people. Despite how disappointing we are. BUHHHHHHHHH...High school. Feelings. Bleh.
On a better note, I did get Birthday cards today. With Candy und Geld. Mmmmm Geld....and Caaaandy....
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2 comments:
Wow! I do that too -- at least I used to when I was younger. Now I'm aggressively friendly and kind of impose myself on people.
I too was hoping someone would break down the walls, but at the same time I was looking for an excuse to judge/criticize people so I would feel bad enough that they'd HAVE to ask me what's wrong; then I could unload on them. Seemed kinda silly afterward, but that didn't stop me from doing it again when the opportunity arose.
HEY GIAN! YOU IN THERE!
I hear you--the wall thing. I do it too. I wasn't self-aware enough at 22 to know that. You have a definite head-start.
But even so, I wouldn't describe you as a person who lives behind a wall. You have loving relationships of mutual trust, and you're not nearly as neurotic as you think you are. You're aware of nuances in relationships, you demand honesty, and you're sometimes impatient--all normal. In fact, these traits are in a way the shadow side of your gifts, which I would describe as sensitivity, loyalty, attentiveness, and a deep capacity for empathy.
The wall you build around you yields more easily to a hug than to a sledge hammer.
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