Do I want to?

I'm not sure if I can handle it.

Went to Study Abroad orientation today. After the (multiple) welcomes, we were berated by the assistant director to "not drink ever" and begged to ask questions but then told that every time we ask a question, we slow down the entire process....interesting...

We went to our individual, country specific info sessions where, at first we were in a room that was WAY too small for us (you know, Germany, the country with the largest amount of students studying abroad) and then we moved to HUM 133, an auditorium. The panel informing us about our year abroad seemed to be entirely Tübingen specific, which was great for the 50+ people in the audience going to Tübingen but not for the 9 or so of us in the advanced/intermediate program going other places. After nine million questions from peoples' over zealous parents and several questions from the stupid blonde girls in the back (um? I don't wanna live in a dorm with other people? can my parents pay for me to have my own apartment?) We got to the point where the conversation was literally making my stomach hurt. Everything was framed in the privileged, white, straight, bullshit way to which I can't relate . NO, my parents can't pay for anything. NO, my bank account doesn't have enough money in it to fill the bullshit forms even you don't understand. NO, I wasn't in four semesters of German but am somehow going to be taking classes in a language that I only kind of understand because I had to bite off probably more than I can chew.

I don't want to take out loans to experience this even though I want it so bad. My way of dealing with the stress (other than calling my mom and crying) was to find more scholarship applications online and start filling them out. I'm up to 35 now...basically trying to make it statistically impossible that I don't win some money. I HATE that it has to be about money.

So, all of this in addition to the regular goat rodeo that is the SFSU music department (orchestration, lessons, juries) and legitimate things that I have to do for my real degree (performance, watch/grade final presentations) it makes me question my motivation....oh well.

Priority

"Never make someone a priority to whom you are only an option."

I find this is more and more true in my life. More so with things than with people. I find myself giving myself up to pursue things only to have them not work....it's exhausting. I guess it makes it even more true when it happens on a personal level. I am only an option to quite a number of institutions, entities, people...It's frustrating.

I'm important. I matter. Even if you don't think so. Or think what I'm doing or what I'm going through is trivial.

Only

Three more weeks of classes. And then finals week!

That's exciting. Tuesday, I'm giving a presentation and boom! done with one class. Next week, grading is over for the class I'm TA'ing for AND we have a concert. done with both of those classes. Everything is falling into place. Of course, that's the week that I'm also going to be informed of my windfall of scholarship money. Early May.

Everything will be great.

My throat hurts

intensely. So much that it hurts to talk. or sing. Or play the trumpet. I'm a little scared that this means that I have vocal damage or something...it all started from singing when I was sick. Now, I think I'm fine...except for the constant throb in my neck.

So, I'm sick. And I'm still at school. Getting shit done. Project due on Tuesday. Assignments due. I'm a contributor. I'm a good student.

bleh.

Can I just be done?

No Power

There was a "planned" electrical shortage at SFSU today. After I had managed to drag myself to campus (still sick) to sing (which would have fucked up my vocal cords even more)

So, I went to get pho with friends. This was the only productive, fun time today. Other than that, it felt like such a waste. It still hurts to talk and such, maybe that's why I was in kind of a bad mood. Oh well.

Waiting to hear back from the scholarships. If I don't win one of two big ones or pretty much ALL the little ones, then I can't go. Not that I've been stressing out about it at all. Not that I've been waking up at night with stomach problems. Not that I've obsessive compulsively made an excel spreadsheet with all the scholarship info that I refer to on a daily basis....bleh.

Four weeks left of classes. I'm basically three major performances, a jury, a german essay, two regular essays, two presentations and three finals away from freedom. Can it just be summer already?

I Fucking Hate Sousa Marches.

Yep.

And that's where I'm at. A couple of my wonderful, amazing, lovely friends kidnapped me today to go get pho after orchestra rehearsal. I was supposed to go to Wind Uggggghh (ensemble) rehearsal but instead I was late and spent an hour talking and laughing and having fun with friends and relaxing and enjoying myself. Also, eating noodle soup which is good right now because my tonsils are HUGE right now and it hurts to swallow. Then...I went back to school.

Do you ever have one of those moods where literally EVERYONE just pisses you off? That was the rest of my night.

Hi, can you stop talking? I now you don't have to be here at all right now and you're just trying to be nice but the quality of your voice is painful. Kthanks.

Again, don't want to deal with you. Or you. or you. I have individualized reasons for literally every person in the 25 member ensemble. Christ.

I came to a realization as I was practicing this weekend. Soon. Very soon. 5 weeks, in fact. No matter what happens. Whether I crash and burn and not play another note and receive F's in all of my ensembles and lessons and throw a big middle finger to SFSU OR If I manage to keep it together. Regardless. I will be DONE playing trumpet affiliated with the SF state goat rodeo. Done and Done. I will only play what I want. And when I want. Ever. No matter what. And that, to me, is empowering and comforting and will get me through. No matter what.

: ]

Senioritis?

I'm going to miss the positive aspects of school. Like...uhh.......Friends! Friends are good. Also, not being a legitimate adult. As in not having to find a career and shit. That's a nice perk of being in college. On Wednesday, I found out that Chamber Singers might be going to China this summer, which would have been cool. I say "would have" because I found out on Thursday that it's happening next spring which makes me sad because I won't get to be a part of it. And then I thought, what will I be doing then? Hopefully living in Heidelberg. I found out on Friday that I got into the CSU/IP program. Step one: achieved. Now it's all about the money. Scholarships! I'm up to twenty-one so far. Hope I can do it. That'll be pretty sweet, I think. And after? Who knows. I'm a little afraid of what's going to happen. But, when have I ever not been slightly anxious, broke, neurotic, with a half-formed plan? It's been this way for a long time.

'Nawlins

It was amazing. Five days of muggy hot weather and singing with (some of the) people I love. Everything was great..except the parts that weren't hahaha. We had a lot of free time, during which I partook of something called a "Hurricane". Look it up if you're not familiar...those were the questionable moments. Anyways...

Chamber Singers is quite possibly the only ensemble in which I've ever been that makes me feel like I sound good sometimes. Well, Vocal Point. Actually. A'capawesome...My favorite moment was when the Nine of us were rehearsing "Lights" in my hotel room. We weren't even singing with intent to sound good. We were just singing together : ]

AND of course there was much food to be had. As per the maxim: If you're not eating you're not on tour. Po'boys and beignets...yummm.. I wish it was still spring break!