Kind of blue

So, I have made a change. The last layout seemed to be a little dark for me at times. Now I've gone from something that reflects abject despair to something....all consumingly depressing? I don't know. It was a change. I've gotten a bit better, I think.
Unfortunately, I'm back in San Francisco and I have to go back to facing my life instead of living and enjoying it. I was apparently supposed to go into work today. Which I found out while at the bank procuring the security deposit for my new apartment. Yep, it still keeps happening. This whole life thing isn't working out yet. I'm definitely ready for something else.
But I suppose I'm only KIND of blue. Maybe. I should definitely focus on the positive. My mom (in a somewhat strange rant) helped me to remember that I need to focus on the good things that have happened in the last week. I guess it's a more prescriptive approach instead of describing how I actually feel but, I've been trying my way for a while. Hmmm....
I did get a chance to see my family, my parents
I was NEVER hungry during the whole 10 days
I saw my friends
I got to sleep in
I didn't have to think about work
AND
I only have 6 weeks left of school!

So tired

It's 1:46 A.M.
I have to go back to San Francisco tomorrow. For the first time, I am dreading it. I don't want to face the unfortunate reality. I have to go back to school. I have to go back to work. I have to go back to the bedbugs, the guilt, the lack of sleep, the workworkwork, the ache in my chest, the constant unhappiness. I have to go back to seeing him. I have to go back to all of this bullshit.
I don't want it.
I want it to not be this way. But, unfortunately I can't make it any other way right now. Soon, it will be different. Better, maybe. But different nonetheless. Two weeks until the new apartment. 6 weeks until school ends. I'm just tired before this last stretch. Tomorrow I will wake up and Mom,the little brother and I will be on our way to San Francisco where I will try to keep them as long as possible. I want to sever that last tie as late as I can. I'm scared of going back. I'm scared of going forward. I'm tired of this life. I need a new one, thanks.

My Stars

So, I've just watched the wonderfully cliche and depressingly uplifting Stardust which had magic, good vs. evil and heteronormative ideals at its very heart. Everything was so unrealistic and yet I yearn for all of it. Magic, clearly defined characters, a destiny, a happily-ever-after and, of course, love. I wish that everything was so easily cut into two hour segments with a rising action, climax and all that. This whole thing is lasting far too long. Okay, it's time for you to apologize and for us to get closure. It's time for them all to let go. It's time for the solution to fall out of the sky. It's time for me to get back on with it. And....Cue the end credits! The upbeat and hopeful soundtrack plays as I walk into the sunset.

Ugh. It just keeps going. Much like this blog...

I am the hero of my story. But, I'm fairly sure that I need saving. Maybe I can do it all by myself. Maybe not. It would seem that circumstances have another course for me. I should thank my lucky stars. Maybe they'll come out sooner if I show some gratitude.

So far away

Sadly, the end of my break and my return to reality aren't all that far away. But, right now it seems to me that everything is so far away. I have no patience and the end of all this won't come quickly enough. Conversely, the beginning of this all seems so far away. Really, it's only been about a month. San Francisco is in a distant corner of my mind despite all of the reminders of my existence there. I know I have to go back and face everything. But, right now I think I can handle it. It's kind of like running for me: I think I can run forever when I'm not actually doing it. It's likely that as soon as I return I will constantly be on the verge of a breakdown but everything that's going on right now can't touch me when I'm 263 miles away. Right now, I'm okay with the fact that I could be making huge mistakes. I'm okay with the fact that my head and my heart are not on speaking terms. I'm okay with embodying the definition of insanity. I know that I'm not crazy anymore. Or maybe I never was. I'm okay with all the hurt and betrayal and abandonment and irresponsibility. I'm okay with it all. I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen anymore. Maybe if I can make the space in my mind, I can keep this heap. It only hurts when I'm in the thick of it. Maybe I can remove myself enough to heal even when I have to go back. It's funny. Stuff here that bothered me, People I used to have unrequited (of course) crushes on, Things I thought were really difficult now seem to glance inconsequentially off of my new persona. It gives me the clarity I needed. One day, everything today will be as minute and silly as these other things that make up my past.

Handle it

Almost everyone seems to think that I am a lot more stoic than I do. They all have such faith in me. I'm pretty sure I can handle a lot. I'm almost sure that I'm going to be okay, most of the time. For some reason the little insecurity of not knowing that I'm going to be 100% okay with everything makes me more upset than others will ever know. I saw a post secret today that said "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But, not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." I can identify with this. They all seem to think that I'm going to be fine. That whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. I wish I could believe them. Right now, I'm a little more tender than I'd like to be.
I spent today with the GSA mentor. She has a lot to say about my life currently and for that I'm grateful. One thing that I'm getting from her, my mom and myself: I have such capacity for emotion that when it's bad, it's really bad. But it's going to get better and when it does I'll be so much happier. I think that's true. I have the ability and tendency to bear a lot of pain. But, it's the same tendency that lends itself to being so intense with my emotions; happy or sad. I'm not sure when it's going to happen but in the mean time I guess I just have to handle it.

Farmer's revisited

I had forgotten how simultaneously lame and fun the Farmer's Market in San Luis Obispo can be. I go and hope to run into random people. The day seems to be going okay. I'm wandering and munching on a serving of delicious Bali's yogurt when I run into a friend. yay. It's all so very far away and yet fun to remember and revisit. I've forgotten everything that has happened in San francisco for a little while. Wait. What? I can forget it? It's almost like meditating. I'm feeling relatively okay until someone yells "Hey, Evan!"
haha. Thanks universe. Nope, haven't totally forgotten. Eh. I still have 5 days here. I'll continue to heal.

Contact

Gah, with all the serious blogs lately. I'm supposed to be on vacation! Anyways...
So, I think I've isolated myself despite my wishes. Refer back to one of the secrets I posted on this blog:
"When I was younger, I thought that everyone wanted to be my friend. It still makes me sad that this isn't true."
It's a psychological thing that has to do with my Hurt programming. I've been hurt a lot in the past for whatever reason. My brain thinks that it's going to keep happening so I've focused on doing things that will protect me from interaction, from getting hurt again. I've taken it personally, I've thought "what's wrong with me?" more times than I care to remember. It's a strangely egotistical thing to wish that more people would realize that I am awesome just because I'm myself. But, I am indeed the self-deprecating narcissist (see top right corner)
It's all about insecurities. It's all about focusing on the negative. But, I really do think that it's strange that I can go days without receiving a single phone call from anyone. Isn't being a teenager about having friends and hanging out and living a fun life? I've been bogged down by circumstances and myself. It's taking a lot of work to learn this. Soon (or not so soon) I will be living a life that i enjoy. I will have the social/academic/romantic/professional balance that I strive for. I guess I will keep trying again and again and again. Getting hurt or not until it works.

Wants and Needs

The two seem to contradict each other, don't they? You'd think I could get used to it by now. I'm fairly certain that I know what I want. I'm not so sure what I need. I'm also not so sure how to go about getting either. I guess it relates back to that thought that I had after going to magic class: my head tells me all this bullshit that reflects stuff that has already happened and not necessarily what my heart wants or needs. I don't know what's going on right now. I keep eating cookies even though I'm not hungry. I think this is a perfect example of (aside from my neuroses regarding food) the fact that I have no clue what I actually need. I'm definitely trying to listen to my heart or my gut or anything except for the little committee in my head screaming that I should give up, stay where I am and accept that I'm going to be miserable.

Fuck that.

Even if my head says that I shouldn't move, that I should stay at my job, that I should never talk to him ever again, I for some reason ignore it. Something else is telling me to. I hope I'm not just going along with something self-destructive. I hope that because I can defend my actions with some logic that I'm not going to regret anything more than I already do. Something inside me tells me that I need something different. The only thing that I'm sure that I need right now is that I need to make the right decisions. I hope I am....

How strange

I am home. And yet, I haven't experienced the rejuvenating effects of rest and food that I was expecting. For sure, I have been either eating or sleeping since I arrived on Saturday. I guess it will sink in after a few days. The thing that I am most afraid of is that feeling that I have during my low times: that I'm not okay and I won't ever be. I feel a twinge of that now even though I feel relatively well balanced. I expect time will make me forget it, but does it ever go away completely? I wish I could forget everything that has happened in the past few months but nothing will ever make that happen. I guess I'll just make the best of it. Hm.

In lighter news, I seem to have developed an intense profinity for food. Pan Dulce, Cookies, Donuts, More cookies and even more cookies have been essentially all that I've eaten. That's good, I guess. I got a haircut and I think it looks good. My little brother is already starting to get on my nerves. Ummmm, yeah. I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But, I still have a week until I have to go back. That is something I'm grateful for.

Sol ti re fa

So, here I am in Nipomo. I feel like I've reached a half cadence in my life marked by a firmata. Will it be followed by deception or authenticity? I need resolution.
Such a music geek. haha
This is a brief respite from the horrible existence that was my life in San Francisco. I'm becoming momentarily invested in the happenings here so that I can rest and come back refreshed to interact with everything that's going on there. It's unfortunate but, everything here seems to remind me of shit that seems to keep happening without me. I got a call from my future housemate. Apparently I got the place. This I'm looking forward to. However, I don't know what the transition will look like and I'm scared. And of course, even though I logically set out to establish a guideline that would prevent me from thinking about him, I still do. Sadly, I am also reminded of how foolishly and inexpertly I have given my heart only to be ridiculously hurt. In every sense of those words. I am living here for 10 days and already I would like to return to some life that has gotten a little bit better. Even though I know that once I return I will need the break again. I miss. I miss so much.

I created a good day

Yesterday, was in comparison to the last two months I've had, fairly okay. I went to work, studied for and took a midterm, had that conversation, went to talk to prospective future housemates and handed in an assignment for Discourse. Oh, and I got an 86 on that midterm. I'm okay with all of this somewhat mediocre positivity as it beats the hell out of the rest of my week. I didn't cry today. Well, a little but thats okay. I felt a little better afterwards. And that was my goal, right?
I'm really not sure how I feel about the house or that one "Special Friend" guy. It seems that I'm either abandoning or being abandoned at this point. I wish I could be there in both cases. It's just not good for me or either party right now even if it's what I think I want. I have so much love and sadness. I just wish things were okay. But, I'm going home tomorrow after being with friends tonight. That's what matters right now.

I've decided

Yes, I do want to have that conversation with him. I know it's not going to go as well as I'd like it to. But, there's something to be said for getting shit off my chest and some guidelines established. I need to feel at least a small sense of closure. Something. Anything. I do not want to be spending all of Spring Break worrying about what I'm going to do when I come back. I went to magic class with my housemate last night. That was an experience. Definitely. If I wasn't so enshrouded in misery, it would have been awesome. As it stands, I think the universe has a little more sense of humor than I thought. At least sometimes. There was so much synchronicity going on last night. The whole conversation centered around "authenticity". I choose to be authentic in everything I do, remember? Doing what your heart says because your head has been conditioned and programmed by the past. My heart says this situation is wrong. It has a lot of stuff to say. I don't really care about the repercussions. One thing that I thought holds particular resonance in my life: the heart doesn't care about outcomes.It's about the process. If there's someone that I need to say something to I should say it, yes? I still feel like I love him, even though my head tells me no. And I don't think the situation can get worse. Basically, I'm doing that little thing that has the possibility to make my life a tiny bit better. Closure, Catharsis, Something. I'd give anything right now not to feel like this.

Worst

You know, the worst is over.
ha. not true. Everything that I have lived through pales in comparison to what I am living now. The worst is over? No, I've beaten that already. The worst is now because I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. It's not even in reference to a specific event. Just this ever-present feeling of "Wow. This is my life right now". It's there, even when I have my "good" days. Good morning, constant ache in my chest. Wind ensemble concert today. He was playing the "ignore" game today and even though I want more than anything to talk to him pretty much all the time, I know it's not a good idea. I was so afraid of his boyfriend showing up. I can't imagine what I'll do when I see them together. Or rather, I can imagine a lot of unhealthy possibilities none of which I want to experience. I just wish that the last two months didn't happen. I'm in the weak part of the cycle where I just want to cry and be sick and fall asleep for days. All that I have to do is make it to saturday. Then I'll go home and everything will be far away. If only it could be forever. I'm fairly sure right now that I would do anything to make my life even a little better. Not even all the way okay. Just a little better.

Weather the storm

It's been a funny week. I feel like everyone is feeling the residual effects of friday the 13th. My shift lead came in to work today and told me that he wanted to go home and curl up into a ball. Really? Finally, a way I can relate to the guy. I think my viola major friend is feeling it, too. The bullshit at her house is taking it's toll. This whole month has been very trying. I feel like I've been learning to thrive on misery. Or at least in miserable situations. Maybe this weird feeling is the reason he wanted to talk to me. This whole situation is so wrong. At the very core. If I could just start over, it would be great. I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I would learn from new ones.

Dissapointment

So, I didn't get the Point scholarship.
It's harder than I thought it was. Like everything. I think I'm so strong and then BAM.

Nope. You're still fragile, and fucking broken. Just get your shit together already. Thanks.

-The universe

Ugh. Everything STILL reminds me of him. I saw that hideous fucking shirt he always wore on someone else this morning. I miss that awful thing. We talked yesterday and now he feels better. Great. I'm glad. I'm not sure how I feel but, it's not about that now, is it? I just wish someone was there for me. I wish I didn't have to be so alone. Why, now? Why don't I get to make mistakes with my life that I can enjoy RIGHT now? Because I'm strong. Or something. And because circumstances dictate otherwise. The Universe is apparently conspiring to shower me with riches. Right now, I just feel like I can't do it. It will change. I'm going home. I'm going to be okay.

Interesting

I cut myself at work the other day while cutting banana bread. It was an interesting experience, actually. I knew it was going to happen before it happened but that didn't make it hurt any less. The thought that flashed into my head immediately was:

That was a stupid mistake I could have avoided. Does that mean I deserve this pain?

I learned from it. It still hurts, though. When is it going to stop, I wonder?

Music speaks to me

I was reading a blog that I like to frequent and something I read shocked me: the author, though he is sagely and inspiring, wrote that music does not speak to him. This baffles me to the point where I can't begin to imagine what it must be like. Music doesnt speak? What is it for? One of the very few things that comforts me now is music. It's strange to think that It's possible that music wouldnt make me feel alive again, bring that ache out of my chest and through my lips, make me feel so much worse and realize I will feel so much better. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have music. Music speaks to me every day. It says

"Being your half-boyfriend was only half bad"

"This too shall pass"

"You can't break that which isn't yours"

"I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved"

"We set the wrong course, and headed due north. That's where we went wrong."

"All you need is love"

"Oh please just let me breakdown"

"Be kind to me, or treat me mean. I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

The Right mistakes

I hope I've made them. I hope I'm headed in the right direction and end up where I want to end up. I'm at an unhappy place right now. I'm trying my best to stay positive and keep it moving. My job, My love life, My living situation. All so mundane and trivial. These things are making me unhappy and what little I can change, I won't because I'm afraid of the repercussions. I just want to be happy. I will eventually, but I have no patience. My purpose in life is getting bogged down by all of this bullshit that from here on will continue to rule my life no longer. I am a musician. I am a speaker. I am me. Everything can change except the last one. I will Always be myself.

"I choose to be the best that I can be. I choose to be authentic in every thing I do. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose"

Better

I thought I was going to be better after today. I was doing so well last night. I posted that last blog and a funny feeling crept into my chest. And then I started looking at the pictures on my phone, I came across those pictures of us at the Academy of Sciences. In one of them he was kissing me on the cheek. Fuck.
This morning I wake up to my Viola major friend freaking out about something. Apparently, someone overflowed the bathtub in the room above hers. So, it was RAINING dirty water in her room. Great. And then, I spent most of the day trying to feel better despite the entire day has basically gone to shit, and I run into him randomly after nobody is supposed to be in the music hall. I awkwardly try to stay the course. I'm not going to talk to him because he's not going to be able to make me happy. Apparently, I need a reminder. He's laughing awkwardly, He has to go, He doesn't care that I am visibly upset by him. That big conversation isn't going to happen. I can't, with all of my eloquence, with all my passion, with every big word and communicative skill get across to him how wrong I feel about his every action. He won't get it.
This whole situation is not right.
I want to go home. Afterwards, I will be able to reflect on how better off I really am. Maybe that's what I mean by better. I am a better, kinder, more loving person after this affair. I know what I want. I know that you can't treat people like their feelings don't matter. Right now I'm acting out of a vulnerable, shattered place. But, I truly believe that I am better and stronger because of this.

It's about forgiveness

Even if, Even if you dont love me anymore.

Wonderful lyric isn't it?

I spent the night at a wonderful friends house who was magnanimous enough to drive me to work this morning. He went through a lot of the same stuff that I'm going through right now (he's also a mutual friend of mine and evan's) so he helped to shed a lot of light on the situation. I'm going to have to be okay with never having a big conversation with him. I won't be able to fully explain that I'm sorry. I won't be able to fully explain the so many ways he hurt me. He'll never answer my questions. The only questions I can answer are my own. One thats been bothering me from a previous post: How can I love this unaware, selfish, inconsiderate child?
It sounds hurtful but I sincerely mean it as a question. How can I? Why do I still? The why is simple: I am a better person after he broke my heart. We had fun. I am filled with empathy and aware of my actions even if I dont think he is. The how is more complex. I think the plethora of stupid cliches are true.I love him but, I'm no longer in love with him. I am letting him go. Not holding my breath because
he's not coming back, but I am letting him go.

I'm great

and its not about the fact that my trumpet teacher told me so (even though it pretty much made my week/life) With all this growth I've been making, I know that it shouldn't and doesn't matter what others think of me. That being said, it doesn't make it any less true when I get positive feedback. Compliments from well meaning people are nice and appreciated but, not necessary. And hurtful actions from people who don't care are just that: hurtful but, ultimately have little to do with me. I need to get over the perception that I'm not good enough.

I am.

I've been listening to a lot of really positive music. I didn't get fired even though that customer did complain to my boss. I'm going to make it to Spring Break. It's only 9 days away! Life is good. Or Life is life and I'm thinking that it's going to be good.

I am not:

A person who got dumped on Valentine's day
His problem anymore
A bedbug host
Homeless
Worthless
Loveless
Heartless
any less than anyone

So many of these things right now have thus far defined my life. They've taken over. Well, I'm taking it back. Slowly. March 13th is looming ever closer. But, I'm ready for it. Maybe if I start feeling okay, I'll actually be okay.

He was on MUNI at the same time as I was. Again. It's going to be difficult, this constant presence thing. Life would be much more convenient if I wasn't so hurt. I want to be friends. I want to be nonchalant. I want to practice love and compassion. How? How can I love this unaware, selfish, inconsiderate child?

I was working and I realized that I am NOT a peetnik. I am not a corporate whore. I'm not mean. I'm not lazy or hurtful. I'm not inconsiderate.
I go to the gym almost every day. Why? I'm not this body. I'm never going to be anyone's dream guy physically. Let's face it. Guys aren't necessarily drooling over my body. That's okay with me. I've had an epiphany: I am not this vessel. The intangible stuff is way more important to me. This is a slow step towards achieving that self love I've been talking about.

Constantly okay

So, first and foremost I'd like to say that I definitely can't stand pretending to be okay when I am so obviously not. My feelings are so loud in my head and I think I'm communicating them simply by existing. I'm not entirely sure this method of being has been working out lately.
"How are you?"

"...alright. Actually, not that great"

"Oh, well it will get better!"

Yes. This is true. I know it. Thanks for reminding me. I definitely need it sometimes.

I've been trying to be more objective lately. I'm morbidly interested in how my life is going to change. Yeah, life? Bring it on!
I shouldn't say that. Some things are bigger than me. But, i'll make the most of it. Even now, I'm trying my hardest. I wore a cute outfit today. That made me feel better. I didn't talk to him today. I'm not sure how that made me feel. Better, I hope. I'm trying to do things that will make me feel better. Living life moment to moment. That's basically the only way I can deal.

Love. Life.

I'm trying so hard to be happy. Or at least content. If I can manage it right now, when my life finally turns around I'll be so good. I'm remembering so many people love me. Even if they're not here right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Some random homeless person stole all of our money, a camera and attacked my roommate because he took his computer back. We really dont need this right now. I really dont need this right now. All I can think about is how he's waking up right now. Probably with his new boyfriend and he's content and not thinking about me at all. I'm thinking about how my mom wants me to come back and spend every last moment I can with my family. And how I want to so bad. I'm trying to be strong and remembering that I need help. I'm human. I'm flawed. I'm working it out.

Lament and Triumph

So accurate. So good! i went to the symphony last night with a friend and I could not for the life of me figure out what "Trionfe" translated to in English. I had an epiphany just as they played the opening chord of the last movement. Triumph! It makes sense. This was a symphonic poem by Ravel about a queer guy who had a horrible experience. The very last note was a beautiful, clear high note from the brass section accompanied by the rest of the symphony. Simply amazing. I couldn't help but, think that it was supposed to be our anniversary, the last time I was at the symphony it was to see the Canadian Brass, him, him, him. But, I know that I'll look back on that night and remember the Ligeti Requiem and how sad I felt because of it. Not him. I'll remember Martha Argerich and her amazing grey hair. Not him. Sure, i'm sad right now. And that's okay. I'm learning that it takes time. And that I can develop patience. I'm in a valley right now. I feel strangely and can't stop thinking about horrible things. But, this is the best valley I've had. I haven't lost sight of the fact that I am a success story waiting to happen.

Internal Power

It's a concept taught to me by the same awesome motivational lesbian who taught me that every relationship should be a reflection of how wonderful I am. It means that I rule my universe. The opposite, External power, is what I've been operating under for most of my life. It means that the universe controls me. I've been so overwhelmed by all of the bad things that I'd forgotten my pragmatic nature. The glass is a container with liquid in it, Gian. Remember.
I keep seeing him. Everything reminds me of him. I thought it was the universe trying to remind me of what I don't have. Right when I thought I was on the home stretch, between The M and the 33 on my way home, I was obsessing about everything. And then I saw the Lesbian and Gay Freedom Band. The Band that we both used to be a part of. The Band that he was marching with. As if I needed an entire marching band (complete with Kim boyd, Drum major extraordinaire) to announce his consistent presence in my life. HA!
I took this as a sign. Not that I need to see him or speak to him. But, that every time I talk to him, I am reminded of how inconsiderate and ignorant of my feelings he is. It's just where he's at. He doesn't know, He doesn't care enough to try. He doesn't want to give up what he thinks will make him happy. He's doing the best he can with what he's got. So, I've decided that every time I see him, it's going to be a reminder of how strong I can be. And how everything that I'm facing and dealing with right now is an opportunity for me to learn and get stronger.

I rule my fucking universe.

Hugs and Kisses!
Gian

March Forth

Today, I had a concert. It went well even though last night I didn't get much sleep because of the house bagging and packing and moving and guilting me into doing things. I made the mistake of talking to him because he looked upset about something. Whats that? Do I sense a breakthrough? Some reflection or accountability? Nope. He just wants to be able to say "hi". He doesn't want to feel ignored.
It must feel awful to be abandoned. To feel like you have nobody. To see that everyone else is content and just fine without you. It must feel like you're dead on the inside and that you don't matter at all and that every time you see their happiness you want to vomit and fall asleep and never wake up. I wonder what that's like?
But, all that aside, more importantly: My family got the extension!!! 120 days from now is so much better than 45. I'm really happy for them. I'm still going home this spring break but, that it's not going to be so close to the deadline.
and I will be fine. I will go on. I will conquer.
It's going to happen. I am impatient and it will never happen fast enough but, it will eventually happen. I will get over him. I will realize that I do love myself. I will be a stronger person. The fucking bedbugs will go away. My family will be alright. I'm not putting any negative thoughts out there. It won't get worse. I thought that it's going to get darker before it gets lighter but, I'm getting that the road is darkest just before dawn.

Unpleasant?

Today, I woke up and decided to feel better. It was working really well, then a customer told me that i was unpleasant after I told her to have a nice day. Now, I'll be the first to admit to the fact that customer service is not my strong suit and I've had bad days in the past but, I don't think today was one of them. I literally said "Large coffee? $1.95.....thanks have a good day!" apparently my entire demeanor is arrogant. I apologized and went into the back room to adjust to the shock. That customer actually hurt my feelings. The only thing that I can say is that I don't mean to be arrogant. This whole thing kind of brought me down but also made me think that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. That counts for something, I think.

I'm so....

over it.
Angry, hurt, Outraged, disgusted.
I am.
Over it.
I feel like I'm done with this wallowing. Nobody can make me feel better but me. I just want to wake up tomorrow and decide to be in a good mood. How hard is that?
This could all change tomorrow. I feel like I'm done being hurt. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get even. I'm just going to be done with feeling hurt. So, he's not sorry. So, he doesn't know what he's doing. He lacks the capacity to feel empathy and understand where I'm coming from. It's okay. It's going to be fine.
I'm not mad even though it's not fair.
I'm just done for right now.

I almost burst out laughing

It's ironic. It really is. All this time I've been trying to "live in the now" and not focus on the future. That strategy obviously wasn't working and isnt going to anymore because "the now" SUCKS. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Oh, funny funny. To maintain my sanity and composure, I've taken to thinking towards the future. Oh it will be great. Remember in my second year of college when all of that horrible stuff was happening? Yeah that was awful but I'm happy now. I learned so much. I learned not to expect everyone you think you love to feel the same way. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned my family and friends are strong and there for me. I can't wait until I can say those things. I'm going to be able to smile again, I hope. Bigger than before.
This sounds grand and whatnot but, how does it apply to this week? Every time I call home or every time I go near our lockers? I have to plan small scale: Tomorrow, I will appreciate my life and that it's not a lot worse. I will do well in my classes. I will call Mom and we'll talk about good things. I acknowledge but, cant be consumed by the pain.