Better

I thought I was going to be better after today. I was doing so well last night. I posted that last blog and a funny feeling crept into my chest. And then I started looking at the pictures on my phone, I came across those pictures of us at the Academy of Sciences. In one of them he was kissing me on the cheek. Fuck.
This morning I wake up to my Viola major friend freaking out about something. Apparently, someone overflowed the bathtub in the room above hers. So, it was RAINING dirty water in her room. Great. And then, I spent most of the day trying to feel better despite the entire day has basically gone to shit, and I run into him randomly after nobody is supposed to be in the music hall. I awkwardly try to stay the course. I'm not going to talk to him because he's not going to be able to make me happy. Apparently, I need a reminder. He's laughing awkwardly, He has to go, He doesn't care that I am visibly upset by him. That big conversation isn't going to happen. I can't, with all of my eloquence, with all my passion, with every big word and communicative skill get across to him how wrong I feel about his every action. He won't get it.
This whole situation is not right.
I want to go home. Afterwards, I will be able to reflect on how better off I really am. Maybe that's what I mean by better. I am a better, kinder, more loving person after this affair. I know what I want. I know that you can't treat people like their feelings don't matter. Right now I'm acting out of a vulnerable, shattered place. But, I truly believe that I am better and stronger because of this.