Plans

I'm graduating next year. I'll have either two degrees or one when I'm finished completely. Also, I may or may not study abroad my final year. As it stands, I'll be done with my Bachelor of Music (except my senior recital) after this spring. And I'll have either one or two classes left for my Bachelor of Arts in Comm. Studies. Now, I can either switch to a BA and not do a senior recital and write a paper and be completely finished with Music next semester or I can just give up working on that degree entirely and focus on Communications. The way I feel about it right now is that I know I'm not capable of being a professional musician so there is no point in getting a degree that wouldn't matter in that field anyways. It would be a shame to throw away all of this work but I think I'm just done. One thing about being a music major (I'm not sure that I don't entirely regret it) is now I'm pretty sure I can do anything. I failed at the hardest thing but everything else sort of pales in comparison. Moving to a foreign country, becoming fluent in the language, finishing my other degree and possibly looking into staying in that country for the rest of my life sounds like an easy feat compared to some things that I've attempted. All I know is that I have options.

Stress Reduction

This weekend was the first weekend I've monitored the practice rooms since I've decided to take a break from playing the trumpet. I'm going to be honest: it was great. I had to work both days but even so, I noticed my general level of anxiety has gone way down. I'm a little worried as to how I'm going to handle my lesson situation, orchestra, blahblahblah....but the worry I feel is nowhere near as intense as it would be if I were still playing. I feel....powerful. Strange but it's true.

Today, I went to the Haight district after work. I tried on a pair of Doc Marten's 1460 boots at Villians and had them order me a pair of the color that I want. The fact that I kind of can't afford them is something I'll address later...haha.

All in all, it was a pleasant weekend. Something I'd like to repeat in the future.

Disappointment is boring

So, I'm sick of doing this. The definition of insanity: Doing something the same way each time and expecting a different result. Something happens, I get upset (as I have every right to) I try again and try harder and then the next disappointment happens. I'm kind of over the cycle of not being good enough.

In the immortal words of a girl I was waiting in line for food stamps with:

"I am too young, I am too cute, I have too much goin on for all this"

Word.

I am too smart to be wasting my time with an activity where my intelligence, my analytical nature, is actually detrimental to my progress.

I know

I know, I know, I know.

How many times have I said that "I know something is going to happen" and it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy? I guess I'm just good at that sort of thing. Now, if only I can use my powers for good instead of evil.

I know I can rock my audition tomorrow.

I know I'm worth being happy.

I know a positive attitude might not be all that i need but, a negative attitude seriously gets in the way.

I had an interesting weekend. Friends, Party, Comedy show. T'was all interesting. I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. But, it's okay. I also went to the gym today. Good stuff.

Nobody in the world

is better than me.

a line from one of my favorite movies. Also, something I have to remember. My grandmother (who impromptu visited me a couple days ago) was quick to remind me. It's nice to have people who let me know that I'm good enough especially when almost everyone else, including me, seems to disagree.

went to go see Mahler 5. Mark Inouye is such an amazing trumpet player...I wonder what it's like to have the job? Does it all get easier? How do I get there? Nobody knows...or at least nobody has an answer that works for me.

Still not sure if the whole "music school" thing is working out for me. I keep in mind that I'm smart and good at a lot of different things but, right now I might as well keep trying. But, maybe "might as well" isn't the attitude to have. It seems that so many people have more passion and drive than I do. "Might as well" probably isn't going to get me into grad school.

This is just your weekly existential crisis. I do know, however, that it's all going to be fine whether or not music is in the picture.