Almost February

and I can't wait. School will start, which will give me something else to focus on besides my craziness. Work will go back to it's usual dreary trudge instead of this horrible monstrous frenzy.I'll start practicing at school. Although,  I'll stop being able to go to the gym with as much frequency and I won't have a day off for a long while. Oh well, this semester looks to be a lot easier than the last. Which is good. I'm hoping for less stress. Right now, I should be practicing or napping before I practice. I kind of wanted to go out with Special Friend but, I'm also hoping another friend will text me. Just kind of wishy washy with the whole deal. 

Progress

So, I've decided to go to the gym. As in, regularly. I think I'll be able to handle it, which should be good. I'm rather excited for school to start up again. This semester I don't think I'm going to go overboard. Maybe 8 classes? Still the same amount of units but, only 1 night class! This excites me greatly. I've come to enjoy Special Friend's company for the most part. We haven't had any meltdowns and on the whole, I would say that our relationship is going well. I can't speak for the future so I won't. This has been my weekend. 

OH, and I've made the recent purchase of a shiny and unnecessary Apple doodad. It is currently in China but, should make it's way to San Francisco sometime on Friday. I'm quite pleased with that. 

I'm crazy I'm crazy I'm crazy

and I have nobody to talk to about it. Except myself...

because that's what crazies do!

Gods and little fishes, I don't know what I'm doing right now but, it seems like something is afoot. I just don't know what, yet. 

Today all I did was go to work, come home, treat my friends and roommates horribly for reasons beyond my knowledge and then turn into my usual reclusive self. Hiding away for hours on end, staring at a computer screen that prevents me from interacting with real people. Fear of rejection and failure and not nice things are behind this, I think. I want to Sing. I want to scream and run around naked, playing nothing that makes sense on the trumpet. I want to be a better writer so that this shit doesn't sound like the prattling of a mindless teenage girl when I come back to read it later. Only to make fun of myself. I wish I was doing something useful with my life. I wish that Special Friend would understand and leave me alone. I wish that my roommates would just leave for days. I wish my friends would come back. I wish that I didn't have to go to work. I'm not sure if I hate my life and I'm not sure why I even mention that. If it weren't for my positively numb outlook on life, I'd be crying and fucked up every day. Then again, what's wrong with me? Not a damn thing.

I have such Doubts...