That life in which I am basically incompetent

Yep. So, I crashed my roommates car. Okay, not really. More like, I had a fender bender with no actual damage to either car with my roommates car. I've never claimed to be a good driver. And this goes to show that even skills that I feel like I'm capable of can prove to be difficult. I am ridiculous. and a horrible roommate. Add this one on to other wonderful mistakes such as forgetting towels at the laundromat and exploding a chocolate fountain. I'm kind of bemusedly disgusted with myself....

I am not fit to live with other people. I think solitude would be good for me right now. Other than that, the end of this year is going by strangely. Apparently, 2009 is going to be a good year for me. It doesn't help now though, that I'm in a strange mood. I just finished watching Moulin Rouge....sigh...

The happy ending near the end of the plot is, I fear, as unreachable to me as Ewan Mcgregor's clear high A. 

It has been forever

And it feels like longer. I don't know how to talk about all that has happened since my last post. I've been really tired and disconnected lately despite having a new computer to blog with. I think I need to get back into journaling...How archaic, right?
I've (almost) made it through another semester. Signed up for classes next spring. I still have 3 more finals, an analysis project and a 10 page essay (that won't be read) still left to do. I am immensely looking forward to January, when I'll only have to go to work for around 30 hours a week. that should be exciting. No school, practicing, sleeping in, essentially staying within a five block radius of my house. I also have the opportunity to go back home for a tiny bit. Should be fun. And now, I think I should go procrastinate a little bit more.

The Giving of Thanks

Hey All
I really wish I had more opportunity to write. On this gadget and corporeally. I really need to get a journal again... Too bad school is kicking my ass. Well, not at the moment. It's Thanksgiving Break and I woke up at 11 o'clock this morning which is the first time in an incredibly long time. Yay for 6 extra hours of sleep. I have nothing to do with my time right now. Other than a composition for Diatonic Analysis, An essay for Nonverbal Comm, A couple of tests for Music of the World's Peoples and my school schedule for next year. I'm kind of lazily stressed which is way better than my usual stress. I'm contemplating downloading that MMORPG that I used to play to more effectively procrastinate. I shouldn't though. Oh well, I'm thankful that I got to sleep in this morning. That's pretty much where I'm at right now.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned

It has been to weeks since my last confession. Not a whole lot has happened, though. I've been working and going to school and hanging out with Special Friend a lot. I'm never at my house which, seems to make my roommates upset. I'm somewhat dissatisfied with this situation as it stands now. It might be because I'm hungry and a sensitive kind of guy but, everything is either neutral or displeasing right now. My house, work, school, Wind Ensemble, and other things aren't really sitting right with me. The only things that really aren't bothering me right now are my family and Special Friend.
Eh. I'm not in such a great mood. Maybe I'll write more later.

SMD, I defy you!

So, I am currently very upset with the way that my musical education is being handled. By myself, by my advisers, by my conductor, by the head of the department...It's all one huge mess that may possibly result in me doing something drastic. Switching to a vocal major? Dropping the music part altogether? Never...
I'm displeased with how my trumpet teacher is reacting to the fact that I'm not registered in an hour lesson. I was doing fine until he realized that he's not getting paid for the full hour. Now all hell breaks loose as I immediately head to the Head of the Departments office for a battle royale. Already my relationship with the man is tainted by the fact that it was he who called and told me that the scholarship I was supposed to be receiving was in fact half of what it actually said. I disagree with his policy. I disagree with his clerical errors. I disagree with the audacity that he has to tell me that if I think working is more important than joining the symphony orchestra, that I should quit school. I'm angry and upset about all of this. In addition to my musical experience, lately. I don't particularly care for being berated every single goddamned rehearsal by someone I don't feel has faith that I can do it. I don't understand his motives for putting me on the spot time after time but, I don't think they are conducive to the goal of Wind Ensemble. I don't particularly care for how mediocre this department is. And I don't care for the fact that regardless of how angry I am, and how accurately I deduce the problem and express my thoughts, not much will change for me.

Oh, Hi

So, I'm not sleeping too much. I'm tired, and crazy and somehow keeping up in all of my classes and showing up to work on time. I'm happy. I've been spending a lot of time with Special Friend. Which has been mostly enjoyable as of late. I quite like him. Not much is going on besides me being excited for days that I get to sleep in until 7. Isn't that sad? it's actually 3 hours of extra sleep that I wouldn't get if I was opening. Gosh, I think I'm becoming addicted to coffee. I must consume at least 3 or 4 shots of expresso during a 6 hour shift. Not so healthy. That, and running on several days with minimal sleep probably not the best idea. Oh well, Life is satisfying enough right now. I've been having some really good practice sessions and making improvements in the musical area. In fact, last night I went to a really interesting session of Music of the World's Peoples. I usually hate that class but, this Native-American performer sang/yelled/emoted for us. Some of it made me uncomfortable but, I think I grew from the experience. I'm blogging right now from a newly discovered computer lab in the Creative Arts building. They just expanded upon it, too. So now they have a lot of big screen Macs. But, oh well. You win some, you lose some. I'm not complaining because after Winky died I'll take whatever I can get. So that's my life, faithful readers. I'd like to keep you posted with more regularity. I guess that means I'll have to come back up here more often.

Tired and Happy for the most part

Yep. That's how I am right now. Special Friend is not conducive to sleeping as hanging out with him kind of tends to get in the way of restful activity. It's fine, though. I've been opening at Peet's every day I work which is beginning to wear on me. I have class on Tuesday and Thursday as well so, it's only a matter of time before a schedule conflict. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess. I have a performance friday and I don't know if I"m ready for it. Other than that, I think I'm doing fine. Special Friend's birthday party is on saturday and I'm quite looking forward to that. Good thing I don't have to work until 8am the next day. Whoo 3 extra hours of sleep.

Update!

So, it's been a while since I've last blogged. I unfortunately have no time to find my camera and extract the pictures. I'm also reluctant to do so because I'm not blogging using my computer because it unfortunately passed on sometime last night. Yes, friends we must all mourn the death of ol' Winky, the one eyed computer. I'll always remember you.
Since my last post, quite a bit of activity has gone on. I had a party September 5th which was full of wayyy too many ridiculously attractive people. Maybe just way too many people in general. I danced on one of our speakers and played host to my friends amongst all the other queers. T'was fun. I've started to get more into my classes. 21 units! 11 classes! Whoo...The late night ones are soooo very skippable. Don't worry, I'm taking them credit/no credit and so far I've kept up with the reading. I'm also devoting time tonight to study, something I'm very proud of myself for. The weeks have grown increasingly busy. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday are occupied by butt-booty-ass tired Early morning opening shifts at Peet's. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are school which, I've grown to enjoy. I'm also taking two classes on Tuesday and Thursday. One of which is rather exciting. I have to play in a small group of 3: a piano and violin and I. We're playing Biber's Sonata #10. It's eating my brain because I have to mimic violin craziness and transpose while playing. Sight reading was not fun. But then, I guess it never is. So, my schedule is crazy. In addition, I've also made a Special Friend. At least that's what I like to call him. Or, in spanish, Amigo Especial. He's quite nice and I rather enjoy his company. Although his presence makes me quite tired. Usually because we hang out after I get out of my classes and I have to either go to school or work the next day. Still, I think it's worth it. All in all I'm having a very good time here.

It's so early

that it's yesterday. Or at least that's what it feels like. Still, I feel heaps better about waking up this early to go to this job than I did to go to my other one. And I get off at 10, so that's cool.
Since my last post, I've been doing a lot of stuff. I feel like there is an abundance of activity going on as of late. Yesterday I spent time with Jamie, Lana and Rosezelda and an unspeakable amount of money on my books. I hesitate to even think about it, because it leaves a slightly dead feeling in the core of my stomach...But, anyways after that I went to the thrift store because I've decided that I have a new project which I'm definitely way excited for: making my bag for this year. It finally feels like I'm in the right place to do it. Plus, I figured out how to use my sewing machine. I'm excited about this, probably to the point of fanaticism. But, it's okay! My life needed something to be enthusiastic about. Besides, ya know, the fact that I start school tomorrow and all that jazz.

Here it is!

Yep, this is my new house. It's not so awesome on the outside. But, it's what's inside that counts. For sure, in this case. My roommates are amazing. I bring the average age down by several years and the height average up by several inches. They wear my clothes and it gives me a strange sense of satisfaction. We've been on outings. I feel like I'm going to like it here. A lot.
Also, I work about 7 blocks away. And I DON"T hate working there. Which is an improvement beyond measure. The people there are okay. The management follows through with what they say. I feel like I'm growing in my job. Customer service might not be my field of choice, but I'm sure that I can handle it for the time being. I'm quite enjoying gaining my coffee education. So, we have two out of three aspects of my life right now that I am completely content with. It's quite wonderful. Two out of three isn't bad, right? If only the whole relationship thing would work out. It's gonna happen. I don't doubt this for a minute. But, then the whole aspect of time becomes involved. When??? I am impatient. I'm not sure I'm ready. But it should happen. Soon, I hope. But, other than that, I'm good.

Moving right along

Into a new apartment, no less. I think this might be the transition that I was looking for. Tomorrow holds so many things for me: I get to see my family again, I hear back from that job interview at Peet's, and I'm going to move into my New, Groovy Mission Co-op of Queer POC awesomeness. Mi Mama y Mi hermana van a llegar a las 8. I need to practice my Spanish para mis Roommates nuevos. But, yes. It's just been a whirlwind of interesting things lately. I hung out with an old friend, Dwyn, whom my readers (all two of you) might be familiar with. That was entertaining. But, other than that I've been looking for a job, craigslisting, packing and not much else. I'm quite excited to be moving away from this poor excuse for a proper bedroom. Yes, this change will be just what I need, I think.

Lazylazylazy

So, I haven't posted in weeks. Two of them, to be exact. I'm not exactly sure of the reason for this. It's not like I don't have any time. I don't have to go to work. Or school. Or rehearsal. I feel a little lost...
I have nothing to do. I should be job hunting. Which, I am. I should probably be trying harder. As always.
So, since my last post I have gone to Florida and come back, hung out with my best friend from Nipomo in San Francisco and ate and slept a lot. Florida was wonderful in ways that I'll probably appreciate more later. I definitely formed some friendships that will last a while. I met some amazing people that made me realize that San Francisco is definitely unique in that the community here has a dynamic that I can't describe. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, I'm just not sure how I feel about it yet. This is a running theme with San Francisco. My best friends from Nipomo and San Francisco are both unsure how they feel about it as well. I guess that reflects in me, even though I am quite sure this is the best city for me right now.
Another thing to worry about: I am jobless and moving into a new apartment. The location is interesting, the roommates are awesome and everything seems great. I just don't have a way to sustain myself yet. Other than that, my school life is shaping up. My romantic life is non-existent and I've fulfilled my prophecy of being a fat-ass all throughout July. So basically, not much has changed.

Proud Nipomian

I've been a little slack in blogging lately but, It's because I haven't really had the time to be at home and veg out in front of the computer. I've actually been on vacation more than I've been in San Francisco this month. Went home for a week in the beginning of July then I went to Florida for a week 3 days later. T'was fun. I've developed a little as a person, I think. I learned a couple of things about myself. Made a couple mistakes and learned from them and all that jazz. Here are some pictures from the trip home.


Pride y la Famila



Good times!

Technical Difficulties

So, I didn't get to blog about Nipomo before going off to Florida. So, I guess you can just expect a huge blogging extravaganza in about a week. I have to do a little bit of packing. I better get on that. ...
I leave in 3 hours!

back for a while

So, I'm back for three days. I suppose I'll wait to blog about my trip back home when I'm in a better mood. The bus ride back was tiring and boring and filled with text messages from boys I don't particularly care to talk to. Once I get home, I am accosted by my landlord in his ridiculous republican sun glasses. It catches me off guard and I am flustered. He has won this round but, I don't think he'll win the war. And if I do end up having to pay his ridiculous pro-rated August rent, I still win because I know that I am a decent, valid human being. I'm not sure anyone could say the same for him. Honestly, I have no respect for the man. Money grubbing, pedantic, Passive-aggressive, frustratingly biased. Rude, quite frankly. Oh well, It's only money. In the future, this won't matter. I'll be moved out of this place with my soul intact. Anyways, More to come soon about my trip to Nipomo!

I'm not pleased with this but I am pleased with that

I feel as though this remains an ever present theme in my life. I'm not pleased with:
my living situation (although it's changing)
My academic life (although I'm still getting the units...hopefully)
My romantic life (....whatever)
Or the fact that I can't stop EATING
However, I am quite pleased with the fact that
I'm going home!
I'm going to Florida!
I'm moving soon!
I don't have to wake up at 5 anymore!
and all that good stuff.
Yes, I'm quite satisfied with all of those things. And, I suppose for right now
they are enough to keep me content in spite of the displeasing things I've mentioned. Oh, and just because I thought it was hilarious and appropriate:

Why this past week has been AWESOME

Several reasons. All of them equally awesome for different reasons. One of my favorites is that I never ever ever have to walk through these doors at 6:30 in the morning ever again. Ever.



I am finally done with California Overnight. Financially, it might not have been the best move. But, I think for my overall well-being it had to be done. There was no other way around it. I'm tired of doing something that I hate. But now it's Over! Happiness abounds.
Another thing that I enjoyed quite a bit was outreach at the Trans March in Dolores Park. It was an interesting exercise in extroversion. My ability to be outgoing was tested and I think I did an okay job. At any rate, we distributed all of the safer sex packets in less than 4 hours. Safer sex is Sexier sex!




What's that? There's more, you ask? Of course! I was only getting started. So, as part of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus and The San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Freedom Band, it goes without saying that during this Gay Pride, I did a fair amount of what I love: Performing. The venue was beautiful! First Universalist Unitarian Church was resplendent with rainbows and it's usual beautiful stained glass windows. I was very satisfied with the performances that I was a part of and entertained by those I was not. All in all, good times.


And then of course, Pride Weekend was a wonderful experience. I felt confident, proud, good-looking, happy, amazing, wonderful, ecstatic, friendly, unified, well-dressed, out of breath, and of course GAY. Pink Saturday was quite wonderful. Frenetic, exuberant dancing and seeing all of my wonderful friends. And of course, Sunday was just as good. Meeting up with old friends from back home and meeting up with new friends that I had just met. To summarize, I would have to say that Gay Pride was pretty much the most fun I've had since I moved to San Francisco.

Celebrating Pride Week

It's Pride Week!! Officially. I've begun the celebration by attending San Francisco's Gay Prom which, in my opinion, was entirely more entertaining than Hayward. The music wasn't as good but, the company was. I danced with several attractive young men. A few of whom are pictured below





So, yep. I had fun. Enjoyed my new camera and all that jazz.

Doing things

Yep. It's how I've been. Doing things and stuff and messing around. Today I went shopping like I said I would. Bought one expensive shirt and said "Eff this noise" and spent about 12 bucks at the thrift store on 3 things. I'll always be a Thrifty guy...Except when it comes to extravagances that I occasionally indulge in (that I shouldn't)
Speaking of which, a camera that I kind of accidentally bought on Ebay will be here tomorrow hopefully. Now I can have pictures on this deal. I'm kind of really excited about it actually. Kind of worth the 60 bucks I paid for it. Oh, I'll be fashionable and well documented all the way to the poorhouse.
I'm definitely excited for tomorrow and this weekend. I have to do some homework and clean my room tomorrow but, other than that I'm going to SF Gay Prom! Should be a good time. I might be able to take pictures. Yay...

Not expecting it

Weird. So, yesterday I went to LYRIC after working my morning shift and going to school. Wasn't expecting too much other than a time to chill and possibly take a nap on the couch while the other participants work themselves into a tizzy over something or other. It was much to my surprise, however, that throughout the day there were no less than FIVE attractive folks in attendance. Interesting. Very much so. I assume LYRIC was saving it up for that one day. It's once in a blue moon and never will I see the likes of it again. Oh well, I enjoyed the networking and community building (haha) while it lasted.
Other than that, not too much has been happening. I only have 7 work days left at California Overnight. As the end draws nearer, i'm becoming more apprehensive about my need and ability to find another job that will fit with my schedule. But I don't think I could stomach the job any longer. I hate it the most out of anything here hands down.
I was selected to be one of two soloists on a song for SFGMC's pride concert. That's pretty exciting, I suppose. Ummm other than that, I simply cannot wait for the weekend. San Francisco Gay Prom is coming up and the Pride Concert potluck is this Sunday. I think I'm going to do a small amount of shopping tomorrow. Maybe I can afford it...Oh well, retail therapy will do some good for me.

Dissatisfied with my image

I hesitate, at first to write this blog. I don't know exactly how I feel about myself, life, everything specifically or in general. Perhaps it will help me figure it out. I just don't know. It's one of THOSE days. Because I am one of THOSE kinds of guys. And what does that mean? I was talking to my friend about how I know that I am not absolutely anything. I'm not absolutely one facet of my identity solely. I think this bothers me more than I initially realized. I am mercurial, tempestuous, ever-changing, indecisive and not entirely sure how I present myself. What I think of me. What others think. I'm not sure if I care or not.
One thing that I can say is that I'm not happy with my life presently. As in, at this exact moment in time. It's definitely going to change. Probably soon. But, right now...nope. I don't like my living situation, how I look, my academic life, my social life, or my love life. I think i'm going through some sort of chemically-based depression. Perhaps I need to start eating meat again? GAHHHH!!!
See? there it is once again. I don't know myself. How can I ever be proud of being him?
Anyways. This blog was not intended to make its reader feel worse. And by that I mean that I know I'll go back and read it and question why I even posted it. It sort of helped. A little bit. And that's what this thinger is for.

Gay Prom

So, it's Gay Pride month. You know what that means? Lots and lots of queer events. One of which I went to last night. Gay Prom in Hayward was an interesting affair.

There was a suspicious lack of cute guys which was slightly unnerving. Also, many of them looked (and were) about 12 years old. Cute, in a baby turtle kind of way. Not so much the I want to dance with you kind of way. Oh well, at least my friend and I had fun. The weekends are turning out to be the sort of reprieve I desperately need. I only wish they were longer.

I'm not going to let it bother me

I'm just not. It's unfortunate that my roommate is a hypocritical and prejudiced individual but, oh well. I guess if he has a problem with me then....well...he has a problem! Nothing to concern myself with. It's also unfortunate that I hate it when I get texts now because I'm afraid it's going to be one of the prodigious, bull-shit filled uber-texts I get from my landlord about paying for things and responsibility. Blah, blah, blah....You get your overinflated rent from me, what more do you want?!
Anyways, The purpose of this post was to vent all of that out and then to move on to discussing more blog worthy activities. This Saturday i'm going to my first Gay prom. Yay! I know I'll see at least 15 youth from the Bay area that I know. It's kind of exciting. I'm also playing outside to drown out the protesters with the San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Freedom Band. Should be a good one, eh? Also, today I'm going to a spoken word event and possibly going skating with a queer group from school. I'm so glad the weekend is here!

50 days left

in this awkward and loathesome situation. Damn them! I was going to blog about something happy, like the Haight Street fair or a past performance with the SFGMC. But, now I must vent my frustration so as to not explode at my asinine roommate and illogical landlord. Last night was horrible. I come home to find my friend asleep on the couch, which is fine by me. She hasn't been spending the day at the house and just needed a place to stay until Sunday when she could move into her place. I didn't think it would be terrible if she spent a few nights here considering both of my roommates girlfriends basically live with us. No, I get a call from my landlord at 2 in the fucking morning asking me who clogged the toilet. I responded that I have no idea as I'd been at work and school and rehearsal all day. Then he proceeded to interrogate me about my friend staying on the couch. I began to him that she had only been here for a couple of days when he interrupted me to tell me that she had better be gone in 15 minutes or he would have her arrested for trespassing. Apparently, when I have overnight guests it's a violation of my lease. He waited until 2 to tell me this instead of waiting until morning or telling me earlier so that she could have some place to go. My blood curdled with outrage. Luckily, one of our friends was up late so she went over to his house. After dealing with the police (who came because of a noise complaint) I spoke to him about her stay and he informed me that I would be paying for the utilities that she used. Wonderful. It would not surprise me at all if the guy was a Republican despite being Muslim. Then, I slog back into the house to go to sleep only to discover my roommates having a row about who cleans up after whom and blah blah blah. I explain the story to them only to discover that my straight roommate has sent our landlord a slanderous text message alerting him of my friend's presence and saying something about these gays being "pigs". Wow. At that point, I don't even care. He's allowed to have a bigoted and hypocritical opinion of me if he wants anyways...I could have pointed out that it's not me who leaves refuge like tuna cans, shrimp tails, and used pasta sauce containers in the sink instead of the trash (which he keeps moving around and refuses to take out) but, I only thought of it later. This situation is ridiculous. It has begun to ruin my already arduous summer. I only have to get through June and then parts of July. Whoo...

Beach Party and subsequent emotions

So, I was having an okay time. It was slightly too cold to go topless so, I was walking around in a tank top trying basically trying to do what I did at the other barbecue: be happy and make sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Despite squabbling amongst the intern team, I'm pretty sure everything else went alright. I even found out that this young man whom I find particularly attractive thinks similarly of me. Always good news, I suppose. I met with my friend who has been having housing troubles afterwards so that she could have a place to crash tonight but, her girlfriend called her at the last minute to spend the night. Another good thing for me, I guess. For some reason, after the whole beach party deal I just wasn't feeling it. Life in general, I guess. But, today will be a better one because I'm going out to brunch with my roommate and meeting up with my long lost twin. Today's the Haight street fair as well. I'll have fun.

Dealing with it

Always with the stress.
My friend's room situation has gotten a little bit better. She has a storage facility now and is continuing to look for another place. I'm worried for her and want to be able to do more but, both of my roommates' girlfriends essentially live here and I can't have anyone frequenting our couch be it me or someone else. I am however pushing that by giving her a place to stay as much as I can.
In other news, the intern team at LYRIC has essentially fallen apart. But, not in the way I've predicted. It seems that there was a deepening social rift between two of us that I thought were fine. I feel horrible that nothing could be done to save one from the wrath of the other but, I guess my facilitating skills are something that need to be worked on. Even though it's not my arena to control. Still, I don't like to see my co-workers and friends screaming and yelling or getting screamed and yelled at.
Oh, one positive resolution is that the "Topless" issue has been resolved. Apparently, were going with Quid pro quo on this one: I will NOT have to police the beach with a LYRIC dress code. Good for me and most of the folks out there. I still can't help but feel slightly uncomfortable for those of us that don't feel comfortable (legally or otherwise) being topless on the beach. I wish it were otherwise. But, (to be utterly superficial) at least I get to work on my tan...
I'd really like to see the issues that I have resolved. Other than these specific, immediate ones I'm also worried about: housing, school, work, LYRIC, the Trumpet, Money and other as of now unforseen events that will most likely rear their ugly heads in the future. I'd just like to not think about for right now and enjoy myself at the beach.

Stress I don't need

Last night I get a call from my friend right as I'm getting off of work. Apparently, she's being evicted with NO warning. As in, she has to be out by 6am or her landlord (a disgusting faceless apartment complex) will call the sheriff's department. There is a long, sordid process of questionable legality that lead up to this result but the long story short is that I have to help her move. And so begins my wonderful night. It all starts with us packing her shit into a van that was supposed to be back at Home Depot at 8:30. Of course, we didn't get it back until later but her mother was kind enough to remind us of the fact every 5 minutes or so. Then, we tried to move all of the stuff into my room but, lo and behold my landlord in his infernal douchebaggery is here and won't let us. I can see why, though. She has A LOT of stuff. So then we call her old roommates to see if we can store the stuff at her old apartment. It takes us a while to get everyone on the same page but, ultimately the old roommate draws up a contract saying we have to have her stuff out by 10pm the next day. So we unload the stuff at her old apartment and her mom takes the van back to Home Depot. It's around 9:30 by this point. We get the stuff up to the seventh floor of her old apartment amid the horrible EEHHHHHHH!!!! noise that her elevator emits and try to ignore the dirty looks her old roommates are giving us. Then, we get a call from her mother saying that my friend has her car keys in her purse. Effectively stranding her mother at Home Depot. We eventually finish up and take a taxi out there. Only to discover that NOBODY has the keys. I can't handle it. I simply cannot. Finally, I say to my friend that I need to go to work in the morning and have to leave to get my 5 hours of sleep beforehand. I feel horrible doing this but, there's really nothing I can do. I call her as I get to my house. They found the keys and everything is supposed to be alright. But, somehow I get the feeling like there is going to be a lot more to this series of unfortunate events before it is finally resolved.

Accomplishments

I just wanna put it out there: I got an A- in Counterpoint! Yay for me. I'm feeling like that damn extra credit essay paid off. Even though, it's a minus that means that I am guaranteed my 3.8 G.P.A. this semester. Which I'm somewhat proud of. I wouldn't have minded a 4.0. If only I cared more about History...
But, anyways. today was quite alright. Went to work for 6 hours, then came home and had a pretty good work out session. Then, I went to a LYRIC workshop thingie and got paid $25 to participate. Definitely worth it despite the clunkiness of facilitation. It also made me think even more about what I'm going to say to my supervisor tomorrow about the unpleasantness we had regarding dress code at the beach party. Privilege and Oppression are interesting dynamics to consider. After hanging out with a couple of friends after the workshop, I decided that it would be a good idea to come home and go to sleep. And now I'm blogging, you ask? Well for some reason my body decides to procrastinate on things it should have been doing 3 hours ago. And because I have been checking my SFSU grade printout to see if they've been posted religiously, I discovered an hour ago that I actually did as well as I hoped I would. Hence the title of this post. All in all I'd have to say that today was an alright day. This working only A.M. thing is definitely working out for me.

I've seen the City Lights

shining in the daytime. Yes, it's true. I've finally been to City Lights bookstore of my own accord.Yes, my friend and I went to all of the tourist spots today: North Beach, China Town, Fisherman's Wharf. Somehow these places seem a little less than accessible when you don't spend exorbitant amounts of money on food and meaningless trinkets. We still had fun, though. It will be my last day of fun before I start working Monday through Friday. Still, it won't be that bad.

Privilege and Pride

I've just gotten off of work with LYRIC. Today was one of those informative, yet stressful days. During a discussion about the upcoming beach party, it was brought to our attention that we should make suggestions to everyone in attendance to keep all articles of clothing on at the beach. This immediately raised the question: Why? I feel that at the beach, on a nice day it is perfectly acceptable to go around topless. However, gender confines prohibit those of us who are Bio-female or Female perceived to do so by Law. I understand coming from a professional perspective that perhaps I, a LYRIC staff member, should set an example. What I do not understand is why my comfort level, which is no less valid than anyone else's, should be compromised. I bring up this point only to be attacked by a gender neutral person in attendance who said that I "would use my privilege to sacrifice the comfort of a co-worker" Which, obviously was not my intent at all. Disregarding that words had just been put in my mouth, I proceeded to point out that while LYRIC is trying to make it a safe and comfortable space for everyone, which means I am not going to be going topless despite my desire to do so, it still exists within a society where that is the way it is. It's unfortunate that some of us can't express the way we would like to but, does that mean that everyone should be made to feel uncomfortable? If the issue had been approached in a different, less aggressive way, I would have totally seen it hir way. But, ze had to go about it in hir usual confrontational way which is generally not conducive to conflict resolution. I feel that we did come to an agreement (not necessarily a compromise) but, I also feel that I am being censored in my expression which is exactly what ze says ze is trying to fight against. It's sad that the community must feel divided on the simple issue of attire. It's also sad that now we must police our attendees into adhering to a dress code. So much for community building, eh?

Summer

My summer will be quite interesting. As soon as I can get to the end of June, I am home free. Saturdays will be my only refuge.
Next Saturday is the Beach party
The Saturday after is Hayward Gay Prom
The Saturday after is SF Gay prom
The Saturday after that is Pride
Meanwhile, I start working Mornings from 6:30 to 11:00 Monday through Friday Next Monday
and the Monday after that I start going to school 12:00 to 2:00. I'll be adding more hours at LYRIC as well because I have afternoons free as well as evenings which is when I'll be rehearsing with SFGMC on Monday, SFGLFB on Tuesday and GLAM on wednesday. I have school from June 9th to July 11th. And work from Now to the end of June. Basically my weekdays will be
Wake up and get ready 5:00 to 5:30
MUNI 5:45 to 6:25
Work 6:30 to 11:00
MUNI 11:15 to 12:00
School 12:15 to 2:10
MUNI 2:15 to 2:45
Work 3:00 to 6:00
MUNI from 6:00 to 6:30
Rehearsal from 7:00 to 10:00
And then I get to do it all over again! Whoooo. I heart Saturdays. And Sundays, Tambien.

Nothing to do?!??!

W.
T.
F.
I have no idea how to approach this. I literally have NOTHING to do. Well, except go grocery shopping but even that isn't a necessity. I feel intensely out of my element. The only thing that I really have to do is go to rehearsal tonight which may or may not happen because I'm feeling a little sick. Seriously, though? What am I doing with my life right now...? I haven't been in this position in months and I don't know what to do. It's kind of nice while at the same time being really unsettling. I guess I can watch movies on my laptop and eat some more....I really should go do that grocery shopping and get it ALL out of the way, right?

Is complete

I have finally completed everything for every class I have had this semester. All of the extra credit included. My last essay was due 5 minutes ago but I emailed that bad boy about an hour and a half ago. How funny that I was rarin' to go to write that essay. Did my rough draft yesterday night and went over it this morning. I hope I get an A in that class. I feel as though I deserve it. Speaking of deserving an A, my Jury went really well. I was quite pleased with the brass faculty's reaction to it. I suppose it was the validation I have been looking for. Tony Collin, the trombone teacher, even invited me to a brass clinic he's a part of at Humboldt state. Apparently, I was the only one he offered the opportunity to. It was a wonderful compliment. Even though, I doubt I'm going to have the funding to go. Scholarships are already spoken for and it's quite a chunk of change for a week. Still, it's the thought that counts. There seems to be a running trend with brass teachers and their disregard for my financial situation. My last trumpet teacher seemed to think nothing of going all the way to Santa Barbara and dropping $70 on two music books. This trumpet teacher seems to think that a C trumpet (which is the next step for orchestral trumpet players) is in the near future...I guess it's awesome that they think I'm ready for it. Still, I don't know if I am on the whole. Playing-wise, maybe. But Money-wise? I just don't know.
So! I think the remedy for this is to do what I've been planning on doing. Working my ass off during the summer and hoping that some scholarship or financial aid comes through so that I can do what I came here to do. It's not that hard. I can do it.

Has a final today

and on wednesday. And a jury on thursday. I'm basically over it. I'd like very much for the next movement to begin. At least I should be getting good grades. I'm really, really close to an A in counterpoint which, is good because I'm probably going to do that stupid extra credit assignment. I should do well on the Ear Training performance final to make up for the presumably bad job I did on the written part of the final. Then, all I have to do is show up and play for my Jury. On a thursday, in my work uniform no less but still. I'm going to do it and it's going to be okay. After this week I'll have Mondays, Wednesday and Friday off for about 2 weeks! That's exciting. I should probably get going and get stuff done. I still need to cram for that stupid test. Honestly, who cares about the Bolshevik revolution? Bolsheviks! That's who. And we all know what happened to them....or at least we should because it's probably going to be on the test.
*sigh*

Food for thought

It's irritating that I keep seeing the Attractive Play-Going Companion everywhere I turn. Literally I have seen him 3 times this week. We don't have any classes together but, for some reason he keeps turning up in the creative arts building, when I'm walking to class, On MUNI.....
Of course, I have to act like it doesn't bother me. But, I don't know why. Every time I see his face, he looks rather displeased. Which only furthers my goal of being nonchalant about the whole ordeal. I guess if he tried to talk to me I'd be civil. Heck, I'd probably be friendly. But, I doubt that's going to happen. Oh well, the school year is almost over and I don't have to deal with it anymore. SFSU is a rather big campus. And there are people that I would actually like to see that I haven't seen yet this week. 3 times?! Especially, in the creative arts building. I rule here. Go away before someone drops a house on you...Anyways, I just had to get that off of my chest.

Back to the point of this post.

So, I was in my lesson and it was going rather well. Having an hour (instead of 30 minutes like I usually do) meant that my trumpet professor and I had the opportunity to discuss things that we wouldn't normally get to. So, we were talking about the psychology of any audition/performance and how it's possible to get so nervous that you don't have any idea what's going on and simply act. He made the analogy of it being like going on a date and not knowing what to say but, just saying anything. He asked if I ever do that which I thought was an odd question. I told him that I live my life like that. Most of what I say is simply projected through the filter-less hole on the front of my face seconds after coming up with it. I honestly find myself talking and wondering "Do I really sound like that? Is that what I actually think?" And of course, I do. And it usually is. Most times. Which was interesting to him because apparently (at least from his perspective) I come off like I know what I'm talking about. So, I guess I've pulled off the confidence act rather well. I guess it's interesting that once again, I have no idea what my image to others is. I should probably give serious consideration to thinking before I say things. But, I guess that's neither here nor there.

Responsibilities

Scenario 1:

After I blog this, I immediately start writing and rehearsing my last performance
I find my Rhythm book and practice for my last ear training assignment
I start doing my final 47 minutes of Music for Ear Training
I study for my history final
I go to sleep late knowing that I accomplished alot but still feel kind of bored with it all

Scenario 2
I continue procrastinating
I make and eat a bag of popcorn, some cereal and a bowl of pasta
I worry about how much money I have without doing anything about it
MYSPACE
Work on the final playlist for my shitty mp3 player
Call my friends and mindlessly chatter
I go to sleep early knowing that I accomplished very little and still feel kind of bored with it all.

Decisions, Decisions....
I think i'm going to go with scenario 2. Which of course, will entail me not doing a very good job tomorrow at school. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go to Comm. 362. Or History. Such a bad student right now...
I'm very much over school and work and not getting enough sleep. I'm thinking it was definitely a good idea NOT to go out Saturday. Especially when Friday was that much fun and energy draining. Too bad I had to go to church this morning. I'm tired.

Queer Youth Advocacy Day 2008

So, I've hesitated to blog about this event in my life. Partly because I just didn't have the time. But, also because quite frankly I'm still trying to understand exactly how I feel about the whole ordeal. By the time it was over I was very much annoyed with some aspects of this weekend. I'm very glad I got to strengthen my skills in regards to lobbying and advocacy. I'm also pleased with my growth as a human being. In retrospect, I feel like I needed to make the mistakes that I made in order to realize the huge problem that I have. So, I guess I should talk about it: The mistake. Getting involved with a participant is EXCEEDINGLY inappropriate, especially considering that I was supposed to be a youth leader. My main problem was that I went to this year expecting to act like I did last year as a youth participant. And that was clearly not the case. I'm 18. I'm essentially an adult now. Words cannot express how ashamed I am of myself yet, I wouldn't change what happened. I know now that I am not as mature as I would like to be. The whole ordeal made me realize that I must maintain my morals. I must strive to better myself. I've seen intensely negative aspects of myself that I'm working on to change: I reject before I get rejected. I'm ridiculous dramatic. I can change emotions at the drop of a hat, so fast that I don't even know what's real and what isn't. But, all those aside I must also realize that it's to my benefit that I am aware of these things. Admitting is the first step towards change.
All of this aside, I feel like I did a good job in regards to the bills AB3015 and AB2567. They will definitely change policies and make kids feel safer in school. So, that's all good. The only problem I have now is learning how to change the aforementioned things about myself. But, life is a work in progress.

I need more motivation

I'm fairly sure that anyone can deal with some more "get up and go". I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now that I kind of didn't get to during the weekend and won't get to next weekend. *sigh*
My Wednesday is being ruined by my proactivity. If only I had the opportunity to slow down and chill out for a couple of days. I will eventually but, I want it NOW. And tomorrow is going to be no better. Although, at least I get paid. And at least I'm oh so close to being done with freshman year. How sad that I want it to be over sooner. In any case, I have a lot more to do before I can finally say that I'm satisfied.

Yay?

I've figured out my schedule for next semester. Which is a good thing. I've also worked it out that I can still go to GLAM rehearsal if I want to. Which is also a good thing. My schedule on Monday and Wednesday is that I have to go to school from 8 to 4 and then 6 to 10. Which is a bad thing. I'm also taking a class on Tuesdays after work. Which is also a bad thing. One thing that I have to look forward to is that I'm most likely going to quit my job at California Overnight this summer. After June I'm thinking that I'm most likely going to have to tell them to "Fuck off". With all due respect, of course.
Now, on this bright Sunday morning, I'm going to go eat some breakfast and take a shower. I have lots and lots of homework to do and not much time to do it. Although, I could procrastinate. Most of it is due the 7th of May. Unfortunately, I will be otherwise occupied the weekend before May 7th, and of course I won't be able to do anything by way of schoolwork during the week. So, this remains the only time to get things done. I'm fairly sure I can do it. I only have to write a couple of essays and do some counterpoint homework. The real trouble will be the 5 hours Ear training homework that i've been putting off all semester. Oh well, I can do it.

I'm performing!

Okay so it shouldn't come as any suprise, right? I'm a performance major. It's obvious that I'm going to be performing something or other eventually. The trippy part about this particular performance is that there is NO music involved. That's right. None. Weird.
I was nominated by my performance studies class to do an Oral interpretation (like acting but, you have a book in front of you) at a showcase for the Communications department on Friday. It's was kind of cool that I got nominated. Even so, I sort of don't want to go. I'm definitely out of my element in that performance space. Remember the spectrum? Musician, not actor. There's a difference.
In a completely unrelated note, it's official: I have no life whatsoever. My roommates and co-workers all agree. None. I thought it was funny that one of my roommates said that I was the busiest person she's ever met. Me? I'm so lazy it's not even funny. Kind of paradoxical that I'm simultaneously doing all these things yet haven't the energy to do simple tasks. Like stop blogging and get out of bed.

Ah, the serenity

of an unbroken, unblemished jar of freshly opened peanut butter. there is something poetic about it...
I feel gross and unproductive already (what a wonderful way to start off your monday, huh?) because I slept in and didn't get to exercise. And now I'm up. For no reason. I took a shower and ate some soapy oatmeal. I think something is wrong with our sink: every time I rinsed the bowl, it still tasted soapy. But, that is neither here nor there. I'm going to rehearsal tonight after having skipped a week. That should be great fun. Other than that, I'm trying to keep on. My biggest worry right now is talking to my inept Counterpoint teacher about a test that is scheduled to be on the same day that I get back from GAYLA (QYAD v2.0) Oh, and that for some reason, I seem to have made too much money (WTF?!) to be a LYRIC intern. But, we'll see how that plays out, I guess. Nothing terribly major.

I'm glad, but

it's not the sort of glad that comes effortlessly. I did buy that mp3 player so, the music is back. Which I feel was a necessity, really. My computer is officially broken. As in, $300 dollars worth of broken. I might as well buy a new one. I'm thinking one with a really long warranty so that if it breaks, I can replace it. This poor monstrosity is done with.
*sigh*
I'm not at school which is kind of a good thing right now. I didn't practice for Ear Training, I didn't do my Counterpoint homework and I haven't prepared well enough for my lesson. Wonderful. I also have an advising appointment and a duo scene to do in Oral Interp. Which is basically the only reason I've even decided to go to school today. I would like very much for this part of my life to be over now. Thanks.

at least

I've been reading my posts and reminiscing about how much I've changed in the past 7 months. It's subtle in some ways and MAJOR in others. I'm still crazy. I'm still a sober kick in the pants, I think. Most of all, I'm still me. This is something that for better or worse will never change. But, I've gotten better at some things. Like Singing. And Spanish. And the Trumpet ^.^
That's good. I think it's interesting that I haven't posted a blog with the title "at least" before. It seems like that is one theme that I've revisited time and time again. This mood that I'm in where I feel like I have nothing to say so I'll say "at least....."
At least I still have an apartment.
At least I got paid on Tuesday
At least I'm getting in shape
At least the school year is almost over
Why do I feel like I have to focus on the good things? Is it because there are so many bad things present? If Life were all good, focusing on it would seem kind of redundant. Oh well. I suppose it's an indicator of what's going on because right now, focusing on the frustrating things seems redundant.
At least I'm going to see about having my computer fixed tomorrow.
At least I might buy an mp3 player tomorrow
At least I don't have to perform my duo scene until Wednesday
...I can't really think of anything else. Is it a sign?

The weekend

I want it back. It was warm. It was lovely. I didn't do ANYTHING. And it was quite enjoyable. Okay, that's a lie. It was enjoyable but, I also did several things. I just now finished a 4 page paper on the performance that I have to give tomorrow in Oral Interp. It should go....alright, I guess. It wasn't as warm today. Just like it wasn't as fun. I think the temperature lately correlates to my mood. Honestly, last night was quite blissful. I walked around in pants, flip-flops and a shirt. No jacket, no nothing. Ate free pizza and hung out with my friend. Good times. Then today was...a less than mediocre practice session, a mediocre concert and then coming home and doing homework...which was also swamped with mediocrity. It's effervescent, this cloud of mediocrity. Oh, the double meaning.

It's WARM

I'm pretty sure that if anything was going to lighten my mood it's this. It's about 75 degrees in my room and it's deliciously sunny. I've decided that I'm going to take a nap in the sunlight. Finally, my room (which was formerly a "sun" room) is going to be used for it's purpose. I'm not saying that I'm completely happy but, I can definitely say that I'm going to be a little better.

I want it to stop

So, to continue the trend of horribly depressing blogs I've been writing lately, I thought I'd go with this one. I'm not enjoying myself any longer. It's official. I'm still thinking about my friend but, now I have the added guilt of not going to her funeral. AND not wanting to call my friends in Arkansas to talk about it. It's just too depressing. I'm a selfish bastard. I want to be there...just not enough, I suppose. I still hate work, of course but now School is pissing me off as well. Choir is too much work. I didn't go to rehearsal last night. And no, it didn't make me feel better. I'd like to be at home right now, using my (broken) computer to write this but, I'm in the school library waiting for my class at 4 to start. I'm really hungry but, I didn't bring as much food as I should have this morning. I'm tired and I didn't get much sleep which was wonderful today because I had two tests. One of which I know I royally fucked up on. And my lesson which was quite possibly the most demeaning that I have ever had. I should just go home but, it's one of those things about school that bothers me: if I miss 2 more days of this class, my grade goes down. And I plan on missing a lot more than 2 in the coming weeks...
I'd also like to not have to worry about things for a little while but, then that would be too easy now wouldn't it? There's really nothing I can do. So I should quit my bitching and keep going. That seems to be the point in my life that I reach time and time again. It's ever so boring.

Wonderful.

Honestly, it needs to stop now. I've quite had it. This part of my life is not going so well, and I don't know why. I keep spending and not making money. I keep eating WAAAYYY too much food. There's this lovely black abyss where the bottom half of my computer screen used to be. I'm fairly sure I'm going to fail at least one of the tests that I have on Wednesday. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
It needs to stop.

No.

I just don't want it to have happened. Today needs to be erased from the annals of history. On top of the other things that make me want to just stop and give in, I've just received some horrible news. My friend is dead. Nothing else. She's not alive, she's not a musician, she's not laughing, she's not hardcore, she's just gone. I'm really sad that I didn't get to talk to her recently. I'll never be able to again. And I have to get up and go to school and rehearsal and live my life tomorrow? It's not fair. So, I suppose I'll curl up into a ball and ignore my obligations and try to make it go away.

FUCK the government

I could very well grow to regret that title but, as of right now I feel that it is appropriate. APT, I DARESAY!!. Damn this horrible, horrible institution that makes me file taxes. I've given up on them so far but, I'll probably have another go at the ridiculous experience tomorrow. I began to file them around 9. I get halfway through the stupid booklet (all the while with a horrible sinking feeling that I'm doing it incorrectly) only to discover that I DON'T have to file them because line 6 is less than line 5 or some such nonsense. So, I try to go the website to "e-file". But, no because that would be convenient and accessible to almost everyone and that's not what the government has taught us, now is it? So I go to the blasted Calfile thing, type in my name and social security number only to be told that they don't have access to my file. So, I guess I don't exist. One can only hope after this nightmare....
So, I try to do the printable online form thing. I get to line 12 or so and stop. The words "adjusted gross income" may as well be written in Mandarin or Klingon because I still don't understand them. Of course, I know well that it's line 37 of the 1040 form or line 4 of the 1040A. I try to find this 1040 form to get it all over with but the ordeal unfolds like a poisonous jungle flower. That smells of rotting carrion. And eats small capuchin monkeys. This other form has the instructions "subtract line 32 from line 22" next to line 37. Simple enough, so I look for line 32 which has this lovely little phrase next to it:
"add lines 19 through 31a"
Fuck. I glance at lines 19 through 31a (A? why not just start color coding the damn thing. I could probably deal with chartreuse just as easily as A...) but, to no avail. Lines 19 through 31a are littered with such treasure troves of joy as "Educator income....joint return...if your Spouse/RDP....Do not include..." Honestly, I'd rather be thrown in jail for tax evasion. But, then I realized that THIS WAS NOT EVEN THE FORM I"M SUPPOSED TO BE FILLING OUT. So, I got sidetracked. Whatever. Anyways, I go back to the damn Calfile bullshit and make up a number and fill out the rest as much as possible. I'm fairly sure it will all amount to naught anyways because according to this I don't have to pay anything and I won't get anything back. Lovely. So, this joyous hour was spent for nothing. I thought "at least I'll be able to say I did it" and walked over to my printer hoping that the months of disuse allowed it to rest enough to do this one menial task.
"How ya doin?" I asked it nicely, hoping to lighten things up with light conversation, "I know we haven't talked in a while. I was just wondering if, maybe, you could possibly...um...work?"
It sat there mocking me with it's inability to finish this already horrible night.
"I know it's going to be difficult but, you can do it!" I said, with false enthusiasm in my voice. I hoped it wouldn't notice.
I placed some fresh paper in the back and lined it up to near perfection. The printer whizzed tiredly but with what I took as a grudging will to try. It buzzed and whirred and coughed. Finally, it hiccuped. PAPER JAMMED. I sighed and pressed the start button again, hoping it wouldn't eat the whole damn thing. Too late. It took a tiny bite of the paper I had so lovingly placed in it's loading tray. Then it savored the acid-free flavor. The printer's palate becoming increasingly ravenous, it took the whole page within it's infernal bowels. I wrestled with it a minute, then gave it's meal up to oblivion. The printer hummed into nothingness contently as I unplugged it from the wall.
*Sigh*
Looks like I'm not going to file those taxes. Maybe next year.

I want Spring Break to be over

Sadly. I wish that I could go back to school and stop working every day. And it's only Wednesday....

Words cannot express how much I loathe my job. But, anyways in other news this weekend was quite good. I went to Church and then went to Noir, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence event in Dolores park. It was quite entertaining. In fact, here's a picture from it.

In it you can see my little brother and I with one of the very friendly Sisters. It was nice to visit with family before I had to begin this arduous trial. Now, all I have to do is make it until Friday and then I get to go back to what I came here to do.

I slept in

Curse this infernal sickness! I don't even know what's wrong with me. All I know is that I can't breathe through my nose, my throat hurts and I'm having problems taking deep breaths. Wonderful. Especially considering I have my lesson today and I've barely touched my horn in the past week because it hurts to play. I wish I could have slept in on a good day. I am SOOOOOOOOO over this right now. And I missed Counterpoint and Ear Training. Probably not a good idea considering I had a General Exam. But, whatever I wasn't going to do well on the listening part anyways because I had to be able to recognize and differentiate between 17 different pieces. Most of which I've never heard. You know what would have made the whole thing alot easier? an mp3 player, actually. I wouldn't be able to justify buying one just for the stupid test but, I could have been studying while doing something I enjoy: listening to classical music. It would also make learning my music for SFGMC easier. They put up recordings online that I could download and convert to put on an mp3 player and practice whenever. Too bad, even with these reasons, I still can't justify (or afford) a $300 dollar purchase. Hopefully, one will fall into my lap before the next one on May 5th...
Anywho, now I must go to school for Wind Ensemble, my lesson, History, and Communicatons. It's going to be one of the longest short days of my life.

Satisfied?

Nope. Not in the least. I'm sick and not in the right emotional state to handle anything right now. Gods, I'm a crybaby...
Anyways, I keep going because there is no other option. Right now I'm in Rigoberto Menchu hall, studying for a stupid general exam in Counterpoint. It's a good thing we've discussed what's going to be on the test. Except we haven't. At all. I'm quite angered by this. In other news, I went to a Choir concert today which was quite entertaining. It makes me want to join the Sfsu Men's Chorus. Too bad I can't because it would eff up my schedule royally next semester. Maybe though. Let's see...what do I have to look forward to? I get to see Mama on Easter Sunday, and I get paid for playing the trumpet on Easter. If only I didn't have to work through Spring Break. Also, it turns out that I forgot to pay my reduced MUNI ticket before the scheduled date. I thought it was March 14th. Turns out it was March 4th. Oh well. Scofflaw that I am, it will probably result in me having to pay $300 more dollars, in addition to the actual fine which is kind of entirely bullshit. I'm angry, tired, and not in a fit state to be doing anything. Including blogging.

The Day is brighter

and I don't know what it means. Something good, I hope. Interestingly enough, I slept in until 11:00 today. Which is a really big deal for me. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm STILL sick. I'm debating whether or not I want to practice. I'm not sure I'll get anything done except blowing germs into my horn. But, I am going to be at State for the concert thing and I technically have nothing to do for 2.5 hours. Shouldn't a portion of that be spent practicing? I also have to go grocery shopping once more. Just for bread and crackers and whatnot. My life is so glamorous...
In other news, today I was supposed to wake up at 7 to be part of a filming of "Milk", a documentary about Harvey Milk. Obviously, it didn't go so well. I just woke up an hour and a half ago. Since then I have: Not worked out, eaten two bowls of cereal, watched an episode of America's Next Top Model, and checked my e-mail a lot. I'm kind of not feeling it today. Just in general. I should be a little more optimistic, Dammit!

Sleep and weekends are supposed to be relaxing

And I feel really not so rested. It's probably because I slept for wwaaayyy longer than I usually do. Or that I'm coming down with a cold. Or that I only practiced for an hour today and I couldn't help but sound bad. Or that I couldn't find "A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch" at the Library. Or that for some reason, I can't stop focusing on bad things right now.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Swankily stressed

After coming back from a basketball game that I'm kinda sorry I went to (I could have sung Gilbert and Sullivan, Dammit) I hopped on the 28 bus to come to a friends house to dog sit. Actually, hopped implies quick action. I more like languidly crawled on the 28 as it took an hour to get to the bus stop. *sigh* Reminds me of home. Anyways, takes me an hour to get to my friends house, I go out and walk the dog and he does his thing, I clean it up and we're rolling. Then, I forget my keys to the front door of his apartment complex. Wonderful. I call almost every tenant in the building which was a great exercise in my faith in humanity. I got hung up on and one cranky old woman flat out told me that it was too late and she wasn't going to let me in. Irritating in the extreme, it was. Finally, I call my friend to tell him that me and his dog are going to spend the night outside, and he tells me the "secret code" to get back inside. Relief floods me and I make my way up to his quaint little two room apartment. It's kind of nice living in someone else's existence for a while. I'm also eating his food. Strange to find out other people's habits (the guy keeps his bread in the freezer!) but, I'm quite enjoying it. What I'm not enjoying is the fact that I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow to get ready for the retreat. Oh well, I guess i'm going to have fun.

3 signs of a Miserable Job

1. Anonymity
2. Irrelevance
3. Immeasurement

Sounds awfully familar. When I go to work, I feel like what I'm doing isn't important and that I could be just another face. Some clients don't even know or care about my name...
BLEH. This is probably just a tag on the horrid feeling I was having yesterday. I don't know exactly what's going on as far as that. It's too early to tell whether or not the malaise that I feel is associated with body chemistry, general moodiness or the fact that I woke up at 4 fuckin am. I am SO not the right person for this job. I have no sense of direction, I forget things easily, I'm seldom on time for anything that I don't care about, I hate being cold and corporate America disgusts me. Why did I take this job? Oh yeah, because of the great unequalizer: $$$$
So bad that it doesn't even need to be named in this post. Whatever. Gods above, I am exhausted. And the sun isn't even out yet.

That time of the month?

I'm a firm believer in the fact that men have hormonal fluctuations as well as women. I'm not sure what the fuck is going on but something has to explain the shitty mood at which I've arrived. It all happened after my Trumpet lesson. I was practicing a couple of the techniques that my teacher was trying to teach me, and all of a sudden I was overcome with the huge urge to give up, dash my trumpet on a rock and curl into a ball and never get up. Obviously, not normal feelings. I feel moody and ineffective and altogether unacceptable. It was an instant, horrible wave of bloated discontent. Everything I'm doing isn't good enough. Blah, blah blah....
Now, flash forward to a few minutes ago. I went to my (loathed) history class and my friend was talking about how her boyfriend dumped her and her bag was stolen in Stockton and how she can't sleep. It gave me some perspective. Sometimes, things just aren't that bad. It still doesn't change the fact that I feel inexplicably wretched. Oh well, hopefully this week will turn out somewhat better than I thought it was going to. If only.....I don't know. Nothing is really terribly wrong. There's just this subtle undertone of....


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inundated with Parental Care

So, i really like that phrase. As a title for this blog especially. This morning I went to a light breakfast and grocery shopping with my Step-mom and Sister. They bought my groceries and took me out. I got really homesick after they left....But, anyways it was really nice to see them and go grocery shopping. Yay for food! Speaking of which, I also got to eat horribly this weekend. Started off with lots and lots of cookies from hanging out with my Anarchist Viola-major friend. Then today, I went to the SFGMC brunch which had pounds and pounds of free stuff. And you know what I always say: food tastes better when it's free. It was really fun getting to meet all the newbies even though I had to tell all of them that I'm not going to the Retreat next weekend. It does sound like fun, though. So anyways, after that I then went to school and practiced and did all that jazz. Studied a little for my Counterpoint test tomorrow. And now I'm at home, writing a dramatistic analysis on a performance I have to give tomorrow. Whoo for Communications! It's actually not that bad. I'm almost done and today was a wonderful day. Oh, and I saved the best for last: My mama sent me food and money and a really artistic Valentine's day card. It was heartwarmingly awesome. I have enough money to sustain my existence for the next month. Victory is mine! For the time being.

Laundry

So, here I am. In one of the best cities in the world. Glamorous San Francisco. Doing my laundry at an expensive-ass laundromat because my fucking dryer is STILL broken (apparently a "technician" is coming today or tomorrow) and I've run plum out of undies. I feel chic. The atmosphere in the place is very unconducive to doing counterpoint homework, which is what I came here to do. At least there is some poor, defenseless wireless network that I can hi-jack so as to avoid doing something actually productive. Oh well, I think I'm going to finish eating this bag of caramel rice cakes and then go and get my ear phones so that I can work on my Ear training homework. The only good thing about this laundromat is that it is literally a block from my apartment. Too bad it's up yet another hill. Oh well, It's over before you know it. Unlike certain other hills I could mention. I've noticed that the only time I'm ever bored is on the weekends. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Today was the first time in a long while that I ate for no reason. I fear I should stop this lest I regress into a previous, unhealthy state. Damn these rice cakes are good. Okay. Enough mindless blather. Now I go to get the ear phones!

Touring

I just got home from an excursion with an old acquaintance from high school. Unexpectedly, he and his girlfriend decided to come to San Francisco. I obliged them in playing tour guide and off we went for an excursion into the city by the bay. Wonderful Boba, Mac world, shitty Sushi and reminiscing about high school abounded. It was actually quite fun and I got to work on my tourism skills. Even though I still have no clean clothes to wear next week. I should probably learn to prioritize...
Anyways, tomorrow is the Big Brother/Little Brother brunch for SFGMC. I'm looking forward to that even if it means I have to wake up at 10. Oh, horrors. I think I might be able to manage. Just maybe. Well, this post is quite short. I haven't been keeping up with my journal either. I used to be such a diligent writer. I guess this is a new lazier phase in my life. At least in that aspect. Actually, probably only in that aspect. I've been trying and succeeding (I think) to be a little more productive as of late. Still, I'd like the success to be a little more all inclusive. I'd like to be successful musically,financially, academically, romantically, socially and spiritually. In that order. Please.

I &heart weekends

I'm kind of in love with Saturday and Sunday. I have so many things to do. But, it's alright. I want to do most of them. I have to do

1. Scott's Homework
2. Counterpoint homework
3. Buy a Notebook, Binder, a cooking pot and a Microwave
4. Clean my room
5. Get a library card
6. Practice (a LOT)
7. Write my grocery list
8. Go grocery shopping
9. Get rid of some of my crap
10. Ear training homework
11. Work out
12. Call Mom and Dad
13. Get the stupid gray electronic thing off my shirt
14. buy books
15. find a short story to perform
16. start dramatistic analysis

And that's it. I'll be kind of glad when it's over. But, i can't wait to start. Tomorrow. At Noon. After I wake up.

$695?

For this? I'm not sure if I'm entirely okay with it but, it definitely beats being homeless. I definitely have a kitchen and I even have my own room. It just dawned on me that this is honestly the first time in a very long time that I have unequivocally been the only person living in my room 24/7. I'm kind of proud of that. I'm also proud of the fact that my family (as unconventional as we are) rose to the occasion and helped me out when I was in dire need. Of course, that is how we roll. My Mom and Nana are there for me when I need them. I would have been royally screwed had I not had them. As it stands now, I still know better than to fly by the seat of my pants next time. It was fun and I'm pretty sure it worked out but, the stress is entirely not worth it. Now even though it's only 7 o clock, I am going to crash. What shall I do tomorrow? Probably figure out everything and then come back to my newly earned living space.

Almost Homeless?

NNNNOOOOO!!!
I must think positively. As of right now, I have no possibilities but I am going to call a few people. Everything will work out. If anyone is reading this, and they know of someone who is renting an apartment for less than $700 a month. For the love of hot showers, Please contact me!!

Ah the difficulties...

The strangest thing about today was how difficult and yet easy it was. I had this sort of detached out-of-body experience going on. I didn't get done until 12 even though everything after 10:30 is late. I didn't do my usual easy peasy route in the PM. But for some reason, I took everything with a shrug and a sigh. The only thing that made it so easy was the fact that I DONT ever have to work full time again. If I don't want to, that is. I'm not quite sure how my future will pan out in regards to that but for right now I am thankfully going back to school. My first day is tomorrow!! I'm so excited. I'm going to take my trumpet even though I don' t have to and then maybe I'll go to LYRIC. Because I can now! The Roommate is supposed to be coming back to pick up her stuff with one of our very good friends which is also quite exciting. I plan on having a wonderful weekend. I don't think I've ever looked forward to a Monday morning but this could be quite close. I get to sleep in until 6 tomorrow! Strangely and pathetically happy that makes me.

Any Day I don't have to work

is an okay day in my opinion. These past couple days have been quite work-free. At least with regards to California Overnight. I did do all of the usual things like laundry and dishes and cleaning. I also went to go look at a couple of apartments which fell through spectacularly. One was with this bitchy gay couple and one was with the elderly asian couple. Not exactly my particular cup of tea roommate wise. Although, I really shouldn't complain. Especially with my current situation. She's finally coming to get her stuff on Friday. She's bringing along one of our friends who I am happy to see but, realize that it will most likely mean someone sleeping on the floor. Also, she most likely expects me to help her move out which I wouldn't have minded had she told me in advance. But, I've made plans to possibly be in Santa Cruz and/or just out and about. I don't feel as though I owe her anything especially due to the fact that she apparently thinks that I do. And that's enough on that subject. I spent a few hours last night at an apartment warming party for an SFGMC chorus member. That was quite fun, although it did feel somewhat out of place being the only person there under 25. Largely, the group was middle-aged and middle class. I guess that's to be expected considering most of them were from SFGMC. Still, I had fun. Going all the way to Oakland was an adventure. Let's see....I don't really have much else to say except for the fact that I'm SO excited that this is my last week of indentured servitude. And school starts officially on Monday!

BART?

I've discovered that BART gets me back to my apartment. In half the time, no less. Well, that's not entirely true. But, it does cut at least 20 minutes off of the time that it usually takes. Which is quite wonderful. It's unfortunate that it doesn't take me to work in the same amount of time. I have to be there far too early for that. But still, coming home for a break and having an extra 40 minutes in which to sleep, or check my e-mail, or just NOT work is something to be appreciated. I slept today for 2 hours in between shifts. It was sorely needed. SFGMC rehearsal and the subsequent hanging out with a new friend at In 'n' Out lasted until 11:30. Which means 5.5 hours of sleep for me. Very, very not good. I've noticed an infrequency of posts as of late. Probably because I get bored writing (and you probably get bored reading) about the complaints that I have with this current phase of my life. Oh well. I guess the next post will try to be more interesting. I can do that, to a certain extent. I'll just have to find something interesting and exploit, examine and explain it.

At least

what a funny phrase that is. "At least". I find I use it all the time. "At least" I have a roof over my head as of right now. "At least" i'm going to school and trying to better myself. I think it acknowledges the positive, yet somehow focuses on the negative. Like today, I could focus on the fact that I have to go to work tomorrow, that I'm getting flabby from the constant consumption of Pan Dulce, that I still haven't found a place to live, that I might not be able to be a part of GLAM youth show choir anymore or that I still have 11 more days left until school starts. Or I could focus on the fact that I found my iPod (so now I don't have to endure the sounds of the bus), that my computer works, that I didn't have to go to work today, that I hung out with a friend or that I'm working to alleviating the problems mentioned in the negative side. I think that "at least" has its uses but I should try to refrain from saying just a little bit. Maybe. Or "at least" try.

I am Reconnected

to the world at large. Haven't had my computer for 8 whole days. It's been mind boggling. At first it was the power cord. Then, it was the wireless adapter. Then it was the motherboard...Blah, blah, blah. I just want my damn life back to normal. So, after an exorbitant amount of money and time spent computerless, here I am once again. Let's see....since I last posted I have worked a total of 8 full days. I'm even training someone who is even more painfully new than I am. It's quite taxing. I don't think I had enough sympathy for my coworkers when they took me out to teach me how it's done. Although, my trainee is really, really obnoxious. He's old and full of opinions that are just...wrong. And he asks way too many questions. I've really begun to understand the phrase TGIF. To me it's more like TGIMFF. With the abbreviated expletive to add emphasis, of course. I've auditioned for and become a member of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus. I'm an upper Bass and quite pleased to be one of the Chorus' youngest members. Not much else has changed. I've taken to the mantra of "It's only a step, It's only a step" This portion of my life is only a step towards the greater goal. I want to complete my education so that I may be paid for doing what I enjoy instead of the situation as it stands now: being paid for doing something that I loathe. Oh well. I'm almost half way done with it. The 24th will mark the day of my freedom. Except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It shouldn't be so bad once I move to an apartment that's closer to my job and school. The house hunt has proven fruitless thus far but, I'm not worried. Now that I have my computer back it will continue on with far better chances then it did when I was separated from the world. I should probably be getting ready for bed, now. It has been wonderful to get my fix and satisfy the craving that I've been having to blog it up.