Interlude

I seek a brief respite from...well...not much.
I'm sick. I went to a party and yelled over music a little too much and now my voice hurts. I'm all stuffy and I'm not going to the gym or anywhere else because my body kind of hurts and I'm cold. Bleh.
Oh well, tomorrow I'm going home! The last time before we must leave the house and my last physical tie to Nipomo is gone forever. Hmmm. I'm really looking forward to it, as bittersweet as it may be.
And then when I come back, my life starts again in San Francisco. Hopefully I'll be no longer sick. Other than that I look forward to what the future may hold.

I seem to be

one of those people that goes out. I've done it nearly every night this week. It's kind of amazing. Oh, to be a normal teenager. Is this what it's like? Because I rather enjoy it.

: ]

A lot of fun things have happened. One of the not-so-fun but, exhilarating things that happened was that I became a fugitive on the run from MUNI police. I've taken to riding public transportation without a pass which can lead to a ticket in most cases. But, after a run in with a boy in blue at Powell station, some quick thinking and even quicker feet saved me from the loathsome fate of paying a ridiculous chunk of money to the city of San Francisco. Ha!
Afterwards, my Wife and I went out clubbing, ran into some friends and left early to catch the last train back home. T'was fun.
So, the days are usually: Practicing, Gymming, And then hanging out with friends. Good times.

I have everything I need

And a lot of the things that I want.
I flashed on that today as I walked home from the grocery store. It's comforting, a little. Of course something inside me screams out about everything that I want and don't have. But, it's really not about getting those things because as soon as I do, something else will rise to take their place as another unattainable thing to strive for. Funny how my life is working out at the moment. It may regress but, I don't see anything in the future and anyways I'd like to live in the moment. It's a lot easier to realize that life isn't so bad now that life isn't so bad.

Summer days

Each one is its own isolated event. It's kind of interesting. I definitely feel as though the previous, unpleasant chapter of my life has closed. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Case in point: I've taken to practicing and going to the gym every day. While these things don't necessarily mean anything about my quality of life in the future, they do mean that I am working towards goals that I would like to achieve and not just wallowing miserably waiting for something good to happen. I'd like to avoid that, if possible.
I've also started hanging out with friends. There are so many hours in the day when you don't have to work! It's quite refreshing. I think I'm going to take up a new hobby or something.

Unproductively doing a lot

That's how I feel a majority of the time lately. Today I went grocery shopping, practiced and worked out for a little bit. Yet, I still feel like I wasted a lot of the day. Maybe I just have to get used to having all of this free time. It feels a little like a vacation. Strange. Even when school starts I still think that not working will make my life so much easier.
Hm. I find motivation for blogging is more difficult to come by. It was all I could do a few months ago to expel some of my emotions. Now, I seem to have less? Or they are just less intense. Or I've forgotten them somehow. If only I could forget entirely. At least the bad ones. Even in this idyllic purgatory I can still feel them sort of lurking in the background. Oh well, can't complain. Or rather I could but I won't because it's better to focus on all of the good in my life.

Nothing to do

And it's awesome. I went to a barbecue today. That is all.

Sigh

of contentment for the most part. I seem to have been sighing a lot recently. Mostly sighs of "what the fuck is next?" For the past two months I've wondered "where do I go from here?"
In the past that might have meant something unpleasant, or something I'm not looking forward to. Now, it's not so bad. My grades have slowly trickled their way into the official records. Everything so far is as expected. Every time I check for something, I remember that I have passed all of my classes. It's just a matter of what passing grade I received. I'm proud of myself more than anything. I made it through the semester, taking 23 units, dealing with housing situations, emotional hell and I fucking won.
So, now I can kick back and breathe a sigh of contentment. I might be tired or bored or whatever else but, now that I don't have to go to school or work I can finally relax. Until summer school, at least.

My summer

has begun. So many things have happened in this last week, I don't even know where to begin. I think I'll start with the slightly unpleasant and let the good leave a lasting impression.
So, on Thursday I go to have my last conversation with my former boss. At the time, I was still under the impression I might have a job but alas, I shall never again be pestered by pretentious consumers of the Portrero shopping center. Never again will I be passive aggressively harassed by people in their late 20s with superiority complexes that will forever work in food services. Oh, the bittersweet agony. haha.
It was a little ridiculous, how it all happened. He took me down to the sublevel parking lot and handed me my last check along with the pink slip itself which read "Gian Hernandez...blahblahblah..terminated for an overage of $10.20" Wait. Wait. Wait. You're firing me because my till was OVER?! I almost literally laughed in his face. He responded with "well...see, when that happens, customers call and complain that they were overcharged" I asked him if that happened this time and of course he wouldn't answer me. Ooooookay. Sure. Oh well. I wasn't planning on staying there too much longer. And this time I might have a summer, like a normal teenager! My last one before I turn 20...
I guess you could say that this is my Post Peet's Pre-Poverty Party Post. I resolve to have the most fun I've ever had in San Francisco this summmer.
I finished finals on a high note as well. My Ear Training teacher congratulated me on all of the hard work I've been putting in. He even suggested that I join the elite chorus at SF state which, was a pretty awesome compliment as I am not a vocal major. So, yep. I'm pretty pleased with my day. And tomorrow? What shall I do? Because I have no constraints on my time until summer school I will do

WHATEVER I WANT!!!!

I should be studying

But instead I'm not.
What a horrible time for depression to sink in. Right when I realize that I don't understand a concept for my final project for Chromatic. I put my notebook aside and blog it up. Go get some chocolate. Ignore the pressing need to study other subjects as well. I pause to think about how nice it would be to be hanging out with a friend or at the park instead of here. I also think about how much I'd like a boyfriend...Then I stop. HA! This isn't me. This isn't anywhere NEAR close to my authentic self. Nice try, little voices in my head. It's easier to differentiate between us now. It tips me off, the desire to seek happiness in someone else. Nope! I can do this. I can do this by myself.
So, now I'm going to finish the blog and figure out how to modulate by enharmonically respelling a diminished seventh chord as a leading tone seventh chord in a new key.

Power and Choice

It all relates back to decisions that we make and privileges that we have. I went back to my old apartment today. My reception was less than warm and caused me to think about the life that I essentially abandoned there. Not great. I am to go back there tomorrow and I don't know how to do it. Stress, Reliving a bad time, Regressing to a previous hateful state, Guilt, Bad energy. Just what I need on the weekend before finals, eh? It's also painfully close to Peet's and the job that I may or may not have anymore. Apparently, I'm suspended and under review for termination. Honestly, if I don't have the job anymore, I'm not going to cry about it. I don't fear the change any more than water fears the glass it's poured into. It might make school and rent and money in general more difficult but I think I can manage. That's what I've been doing, ever since I moved to San Francisco. I have to get through this week. Get through the hard parts and start to enjoy. That's my goal for the summer, I think. I have the power. And now I choose to be Happy. I've always been somewhat comfortable in my misery. And I say this because I believe it a thousand times over: I would rather be broke and happy than comfortable and miserable.

Rejoice

Because you're trying your best.
I like to communicate in song lyrics; words of people far more musically talented than I. The title of this blog comes from my current infatuation: Andrew Jackson Jihad. The song, rejoice, is so depressingly uplifting it makes me want to cry. The visceral affectation of his voice...sigh...
My week is crawling. Today was the last day of ear training before finals. I'm going to miss that class and that class only. The others...well they're not as pleasant or valuable to me. School is going to end soon. All I have to do is get there. I'm trying my best.

Singularity

I've decided.
I have entered a period of celibacy. In reviewing my past, I come across patterns because my brain is very good at finding patterns. It goes like this:

Gian looks --> Gian doesn't find --> Gian doesn't find--->Gian thinks he finds---Gian loses--->Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks---Gian looks--->


And so on and so forth. I have now decided to take a step back. This might seem like the "Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks" part of the cycle but, somehow I feel this is different. One might say that this is only in response to a horrible time with a horrible (?) person. To which I would have to say. Okay. There is a reason why all this has happened. I was supposed to learn something and ultimately better myself out of this. I did/do/will do things that don't reflect what's going on inside of me. I have been inauthentic...

This isn't just me being bitter about the boy.

It's kind of like this blog. I will never invite people to look at it if they don't already know me because I wouldn't want to inflict these random feelings and all this baggage on a stranger.

I'm not entirely sure that I love myself. And nobody else is more deserving of my love than me. Ergo, nobody deserves it right now? I don't know. It's all very confusing. I somehow seem to value others' opinions and thoughts and feelings more highly than I value my own. How can I love me when I treat myself like this?

So.
Resolution:
No more throwing myself around. Respect.
No more "Hey you, who I barely know. Wanna define my life for the next six months until my neuroses force you to get sick of me?" Prudence.
No more settling for something I want right now. Strive.

I will be single. For a while. And what's wrong with that?

My happiness

such work it is. I'm trying to get there and it's proving to be so hard. There exists so many inequalities amongst people. I know I deserve happiness and love and warm fuzzy feelings. I wish it were just handed to me as I'm sure it must have been to a lot of people. I might read this later and think "blah blab blah it's not that bad." Then again, someone might be reading this now and think that.
This is where I'm at.
I know so much about what ISN"T going to make me happy. Happiness should come from inside me and be who I really am. Happiness is not: Material wealth, Suffering without speaking, a Relationship, a socio-economic status, the positive regard of other people, being miserable and expecting someone else to make it okay, Schadenfreude...
So, I know what Happiness is not. That's a good step, right? But what is it? How do I get there? Today is just one of the days. I don't really know...
Happiness can't just be something that makes you feel good. if it were I'd buy some drugs, hook up with random guys and be done with it. It's not something that should come from outside. I know I have something in there that can make everything okay. The issue now is finding it. So, the same thing that makes me question everything and makes it so hard to just simply be happy is the same thing that will eventually lead me to an acceptable answer? Ugh this brain, these thoughts, my heart and shit. It's all very obnoxious and draining and I'm so DONE WITH IT ALL. Right now.
Fuck.

My Saving Grace

As I sit here waiting for her to call me, I can't help but think that my mother is a HUGE part of the reason why I am where I am today. I get my romantic retardation, my sensitivity, my craziness, my resilience, my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-ness, my make-it-work-ness, my life...
basically everything.

There's only one person you can count on in the world, and that's yourself. But, if I ever had to say someone else that comes pretty damn close, it would have to be her. I guess that's the same thing because we're basically the same person...haha.
You know how people say they're turning into their mother? Yep. Been there, done that. Got the Tie dyed T-shirt.

Our relationship is so weird, it's disgusting. We are effed up and wonderful and I don't think I could have it any other way.

Weekend

WAIT.


WHAT??!!!!

It's true. I have a weekend. As in, the end of the week. Typically categorized by most people as the opportunity to relax and not do whatever it is that you usually do during the week. I had taken for granted the fact that I am never to have one of these things so long as school is in session and my job with Peet's still exists. But, lo and behold: here it is. I have two (count them) TWO whole days where I don't have to be in any one specific place. It is SO awesome. Similarly to the feeling of not being depressed after wanting to not be alive for so long, the feeling of having nowhere to be and no constraints on my time is beautiful. I got out of bed when I felt like it today. I practiced at a leisurely pace. Now, because it is getting nearer to finals, I've spent most of the day doing homework and starting and finishing projects. Which is fine with me. School is what I came to San Francisco for. If only I could have these weekend things more often. Maybe I could actually do fun stuff next time?

V for vulnerable

Today, while consuming a delicious cous-cous, feta, artichoke salad, I had an epiphany.

Love who I truly am, because I can't change it.

Something that I have struggled with in the past and might struggle with tomorrow is the concept that everything is exactly how it should be.I guess I'm slightly okay with that for this moment in time. I'd rather be descriptive than prescriptive. The concept of "good" times and "bad" times is something from which I'd like to distance myself. Why indulge in a system that clearly doesn't benefit me?
So. To love me, I have to know me. hmm...
A huge part of who I really am is that I am sensitive. I feel, I have made myself vulnerable and been hurt and acted out of that hurt and hurt others and hurt myself. But just like that saying, Getting hurt is a part of me (inevitably) but BEING hurt has nothing to do with me or who I am.
Yes. I have feelings. A lot of them. An obnoxious, unnecessary, overwhelming, stupid, debilitating amount at times.
I must acknowledge my vulnerability. It only hurts worse to fight and I think I'm done suffering.

Ugh...

Can't go on. Must no longer type.
Spent the longest time in the practice room tonight.
Am now writing a speech for Oceanography. Oh, the horror...
Wish me luck for the next two weeks.
I need it.

It can't come quickly enough

The horrible pain in my chest is finally subsiding. That is one of the best feelings I've had so far. There are moments (short consecutive bursts of them) where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. One of the funny things about depression is the one of the only reason everything is beautiful is BECAUSE nothing hurts. Days when I don't want to kill myself are wonderful, amazing, near-perfect. According to Jewish folks, Buddhists, and my teacher David Xiques: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I touched on it in the back of my mind but, I feel like I suffer because I hold on to the pain because I think it shouldn't be happening. The shock and outrage and unfairness of it all doesn't change the fact. Yes. I was hurt. But, I don't deserve to feel this way anymore and the simple fact of knowing that it won't be always is very, very comforting. I was under the impression that it would last forever. hm. Light at the end of the tunnel...fading...growing..growing?...wait it actually exists?...weird...
So, that's been my life. If only I could make it through until the 22nd unscathed. With minimal effort. Of course I want to be able to relax and read and not run myself ragged and into the ground. I'm looking for happiness and I swear I'll be it this time.
So, patience is one of the many virtues I wasn't blessed with. I always want it now, now, now. If only I was satisfied with what I have instead of wanting what I don't. Changing myself is proving to be slightly less difficult than changing the world.

What does that have to do with me?

So far, I've been trying to quash the everpresent ego I have surrounding the hurtful things in my life. The question I must bear in mind: "what does any of that have to do with me or my worth or my true self?" So, you're not attracted to me? So, you think I'm a bad person/worker/student/musician? So, you have some story about me that you've created and believe? Okay.

And?


I missed the part where you get to judge my validity. Now it makes sense, I think. I used to think that all these people knew something that I didn't. The whole handing out my consent to make me feel inferior. I get it now. Won't let it happen again.

I'm doing my best and trying my hardest. I'm being myself and if it's not good enough for anyone else that's unfortunate but I've done everything I can.
It's kind of liberating to realize: not everything is about me.

Procrastinate with Productivity

So that's what I've decided to do. Today is a day where I have done a lot of things all topsy-turvy and tried not to think about things and done things and not done things. I've begun to think about my problems a little less. I've always been only somewhat committed to getting rid of them for whatever reason. I feel like right now, I'm willing to make everything at least tolerable. Everything seems to be overwhelming which is kind of why this procrastination with productivity is working out so well. Don't like writing that essay? Do some laundry! Don't want to go home and practice? Go grocery shopping instead! It also helps that I had one of my rare "good" mood-swings. I feel right now that Life is a game and I'm willing to play for the time being. Sometimes, I'm not. But right now it would seem that I am the only player who is willing to follow the script I have written.

May

Too many thoughts on my mind...

It's May. Only 3 weeks left until Summer. Whoo

I'm still not over him. All of the problems that plagued me during February are slowly going away. I've moved. My family has 1.5 months left in their house.

I want to be happy. I'm the cause (in one way or another) for everything that bothers me

My therapist sees me in my upswings which makes me think that I'm okay when I talk to him. I know there will eventually come a time when I'm severely not okay and I don't know what to do about it.

I'd like to live in this moment. And be okay in this moment.

I've been thinking pretty hard about going to Spain during the beginning of August. I don't have enough money. I might have to quit my job then. BUT Life is too short to hate it.

I have way too much shit to do. I want to relax and read and not stress and not break down.

All the questions simply beget more questions. I must stay curious. The only problem I have is when I succumb to the misery. When I say: 'I don't want to ask or know at all because it's too painful."
Apparently, the question is the answer.