Singularity

I've decided.
I have entered a period of celibacy. In reviewing my past, I come across patterns because my brain is very good at finding patterns. It goes like this:

Gian looks --> Gian doesn't find --> Gian doesn't find--->Gian thinks he finds---Gian loses--->Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks---Gian looks--->


And so on and so forth. I have now decided to take a step back. This might seem like the "Gian doesn't want to look anymore but still kinda looks" part of the cycle but, somehow I feel this is different. One might say that this is only in response to a horrible time with a horrible (?) person. To which I would have to say. Okay. There is a reason why all this has happened. I was supposed to learn something and ultimately better myself out of this. I did/do/will do things that don't reflect what's going on inside of me. I have been inauthentic...

This isn't just me being bitter about the boy.

It's kind of like this blog. I will never invite people to look at it if they don't already know me because I wouldn't want to inflict these random feelings and all this baggage on a stranger.

I'm not entirely sure that I love myself. And nobody else is more deserving of my love than me. Ergo, nobody deserves it right now? I don't know. It's all very confusing. I somehow seem to value others' opinions and thoughts and feelings more highly than I value my own. How can I love me when I treat myself like this?

So.
Resolution:
No more throwing myself around. Respect.
No more "Hey you, who I barely know. Wanna define my life for the next six months until my neuroses force you to get sick of me?" Prudence.
No more settling for something I want right now. Strive.

I will be single. For a while. And what's wrong with that?