Value Systems

So, I posted a blog before this with the same title. I didn't really agree with what I was saying so, I deleted it.
I'm struggling with my answers to the questions I have asked:

Q. How can he do this?
A. He just wants to be happy and have fun. He doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person.

and with that, I can't fault him. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wasn't alone. I didn't want to think of myself as a bad person and I'm so glad that I don't anymore. I'm not entirely sure that he's not doing this maliciously. He's said that he cares. I don't believe it. He's said that he wants to be friends. But, I don't deserve friends who aren't sorry when what they're doing is fucked up. But, it doesn't matter because I'm an extraordinary machine.

Q. Why do I need other people's validation?
A. Because I give people more power than I should. Nobody should be able to make me feel inferior without my consent. I guess I walk around handing out my consent.
I hung out with an attractive friend last night. Nothing happened because I'm not as promiscuous anymore. I'm slowly learning that I don't need to be in a relationship because it doesn't necessarily make me happy.

Everything that my unhappiness stems from is people with value systems different than I. When someone betrays you, does not apologize, continues to hurt and hurt and hurt. It's wrong. I know this. I guess it's upsetting when people don't agree with me. I know that I'm worth it. I know that I deserve better than this. People seem to disagree.

Q. Why can I love myself?
A. I'm talented, attractive, smart and not a hurtful or mean person. This question is a lot easier to answer.

Again, Fridays are hard

I think it's so funny that I've come back to this place. Only now I feel it's so much worse. At least with the attractive play going companion, I wouldn't see him every goddamned day. I especially wouldn't see him with another person, either. I also wouldn't see his friends and how much they don't care about what he's doing. This friday was really difficult. Not just because I didn't see him but, because of random computer bullshit. Thinking too much about everything. If all human nature tends toward healing and health, why do I want to do things that would destroy me? Part of me wants to call him. All of the time. Another huge part of me wants to try so hard to find someone else and forget about it. This is even more destructive. Why should I need someone else to feel okay? I feel so weak and stupid that I just want someone to hold me and kiss me and love me and tell me that it's okay. I know that this doesn't make anything better. It's escaping and "just having fun" without any thought for how it affects me as a person. I'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than that.

Progress

So, I've made some. It just seems like February 14th was so long ago. It was only 12 days... Ugh. So I went to work and didnt want to punch anyone in the face, which I view as a complete victory. I worked out and went to Best Buy where my computer ( which had a broken backspace key and should have been done a week ago) was still not ready. I got all of my supplementary materials together for the Point scholarship. I got tested for HIV. People asked how I was and I said "better than yesterday". People asked how my life is going and I said "It can only get better". It has to.

Healing time

So, I have taken the advice of many people wiser than I. I won't talk to him for a while just so that I can take the time to reconcile and learn to show compassion without further damaging myself. I told him in the letter that the only reason I feel like the feelings aren't going away is because we continue to drag them out and rehash every time we talk. I feel like I need to talk to him because I think he has the capacity to make me happy. I am slowly recognizing the truth: It's not true anymore. I can't continue to seek out someone who doesn't care about my feelings enough to be accountable. I feel for him, I really do. That's why I partially wish I could help him to figure out how he can do this with a clean conscience and help him to learn that he can't treat people like this. It's not up to me to be his counselor. By refusing to engage with him, I am taking a positive step for myself.
In the mean time, while my heart slowly mends I will continue to live my life and try not to think about him and the hurtful things he's doing. I'm going to practice the trumpet, I'm going to go to a party tonight, I'm going to work and live and learn to love again. I'm going to help my family through a tough time. I'm going to be thankful for the strength they have lent me. I just wish that I didn't hurt so much.

Flexible

My heart is not going to be hardened by this. It's going to become malleable and stronger than it's ever been. I don't want to lose my compassion. I won't lose empathy and love. It's not right and it's not fair and I've been having existential qualms about the world. How can it be such a wonderful place when people are allowed to treat other people like this?
My family will lose the home that my great grandfather built. In 4 months, I won't have a place to go back home to. It could possibly happen sooner but, I can't think about that.
I gave him a letter that summarized all of the things that I've been feeling. He kind of made fun of me that I typed it. He had a hickey on his neck and he said "He was hoping to avoid me because of it" At least he didn't ruefully chuckle like I imagined he would the moment I saw it.
I'm pretty sure I saw the guy that he's dating in the Castro. I had to check on Facebook to make sure it was him. It was.
My friend's ex girlfriend is treating him even worse than Evan is treating me, if that's possible. I have to practice with her and I will be civil and kind. But, I can't pretend that she's a good person anymore.
I can't even begin to think about horrible shit in the world or anything. I'm barely strong enough to survive all that's going on right now in my life.
But I will end this positively. The only thing that I can think of is that after this is done, I will be so much stronger than I am now. And it makes me slightly less sad to think that in a couple of months, a year, 10 years from now, my life and the lives of others around me will be so much better.

I'm confused

I've been thinking a lot lately (its kinda what I do) and all these thoughts are so conflicting and I cant seem to reconcile. My remedy? Blogging, of course. So, in no particular order:

I want to be happy again

I dont know when I'll be okay but, I'm aiming for March 13th

EVERYTHING reminds me of him (movies, facebook, school, friends, my house...)

I feel grateful that I've realized that I am not a hurtful person. I am, in fact, full of compassion right now.

I wish I could turn that compassion towards him. So, you're not sorry. You're afraid to be alone and you're just like me in that you want to be loved. But I cant get my head around forgiving someone who believes they have done nothing wrong.

I dont need anyone's validation. Admitting you're wrong doesnt make it any less fucked up. I know that what you're doing is horrible. I hope one day you realize that you cant treat another human being like they dont matter.

I feel intensely unhappy with my job and living situation. I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle existing in this space. I'm also worried that maybe I'm just being melodramatic.

It's going to get better. It's going to get better. It's going to get better

I am so flawed

and yet, I am perfect. I hesitate to say that. Most likely, it's somewhere in the middle. But, I am not a mean, rude, or hurtful person. It's going to take a while for me to believe this. But, I came up with it today during work. I am learning a lot about myself in the past week. Some of it being actually good. I am learning that nothing is EVER bad enough to make me want to quit or give up. I was reading my blog posts from 2007 and 2008 and I'm realizing that even though I have grown so much and learned a lot, this current product is only a progressed version of that kid back then. He had a lot of good things to say. I'm greatful for the opportunity to learn that I am not a bad person. And that I don't need anyone's approval or validation to know that I am utterly and totally worth loving. The people that love me are right, and it's taken a broken heart to realize that positive or negative regard doesn't necessarily matter. I know for a fact that I will be okay. Just by being myself. That being said, I am in one of those ups in what they call "ups and downs". Tomorrow, I may very well go back to the Dark place that I have grown accustomed to inhabiting. But, I know that it's not permanent. And this doesn't define me.

I Cried

Today, I cried for me. I was walking down the road to the bus stop and i saw a guy on a motorcycle get hit by a car. He was twitching. I dont know what happened to him but he could have very well died. I possibly witnessed a death today. I cried for him. I sat down next to the bus stop and bawled in front of strangers. I cried for his family and what they would feel when the police told them. It's not his fault but, he got hurt. I cried for us. I cried for the world and how shitty it is right now. After that, I saw a couple holding hands in the car. I missed my MUNI. I was late for my junior qualifying English exam. I hung out with a friend and all I could do was ruin her day by talking about him. And how I hurt. And how he doesn't care. I was reading my blog comments today and I was so thankful for them. Apparently, I'm brave to realize all this stuff. I cried so hard at that. I dont want to have to be brave. I want to be okay.

25 Things about Me

So, I thought this would be cathartic. Aside from being self obsessed, this provided me with a silly and effective way to get my mind off of things for a little while. If you read, I'd like to hear thoughts!

25 things about me

1. I really, really like eggnog
2. My trumpet has a name that only I know and won't tell anyone else
3. I wish I had taken piano lessons when I was younger
4. I'm intensely dissatisfied with every aspect of my life. I'm pretty much miserable and waiting to get better.
5. When I was little, I thought everyone wanted to be my friend. It still makes me sad that this isn't true.
6. The only thing that keeps me from quitting my job is the thought of quitting school. I hate pretentious people, fake smiles, corporate attitude and waking up at 4:30am.
7. I have the strangest relationship with my mother. Its pretty hard to understand but she is the only person who loves me unconditionally.
8. I want to be Craig Morris when I grow up.
9. I might be the most contradictory person you've ever met. You, myself, life, i contradict everything.
10. I dislike eating and love sleep
11. I lived in the midwest for two years and made some of the closest friends i have today
12. I'm a communications major which means i analyze everything you do and say
13. I live in a cooperative household. We share everything: food, beds, clothes. Everything
14. I'm seeking psychological counseling because I have issues with self esteem, trust, hate, relationships...i'm all kinds of fucked up.
15. I view the inabilty to turn down drugs, alcohol, and food as some sort of character flaw in myself and others
16. I'm proud of my vocabulary
17. After this summer, I plan to officially be a senior at SFSU
18. I love to sing. Right now, singing is the only thing musically that makes me happy
19. It bothers me when teachers go too fast. It bothers me even more when they go too slow. The second happens a lot more than the first.
20. The only thing in which I am confident is my ability to speak
21. I will live in spain before, during, and after august, 2027. There is going to be a solar eclipse there
22. Up until recently, I was under the impression that someone loves you in spite of your flaws. It's going to take a lot of time for me to believe this again.
23. I feel like I accurately gauge how attractive I am and how attractive I am not. Apparently, nobody agrees with me.
24. I have an addictive personality. This (among other reasons) is why I dont do drugs or drink.
25. If I could do anything in the world it would be to just be happy with what I have

Trying to be okay

And sometimes I think its working. Oh how wrong I can be. We had yet another intense talk on thursday in which it seemed like he actually cared. I was almost okay and then he lets me know that he's apparently starting to date some fool. Great. It's been 5 days. All of 5 whole days. So, basically now I have to reconcile the fact that he broke up with me on V-day by making out with another dude and then hooks up with a new date not even a week later. How can anyone do that? Im not even at the point where I can forgive him which is great because he's obviously not sorry enough to make any sort of effort to be accountable. This is unfair.

I think that I'm okay but...

then im not. And then I am. The little periods of okayness starkly contrast the dark spots. I want so bad to be fine. This part of my life is starting to drive me mad.
Bitter = Boring
I have such better things to do with my life than waste energy on this. Once I get there, it will be so much easier.
Hurry up!

I can't wait until I'm Happy

And its going to happen. Im just not sure when...
Soon I hope. I have an appointment to meet with a counselor on friday. I feel like this is a positive step. One thing I noticed during these last six months (and throughout my life)was that I had a lot of issues that I thought I could ignore because someone thought enough of me to at least want to be around me. Now that I dont have that, it brings a lot of these long standing problems to the surface.
It's not beneficial to me that I keep reminding myself of my inadequacies. I don't want to need to hurt people just to make myself feel better.
It's true, I am a sad person.
It's true, I reject before (and after) I get rejected.
It's true that I contradict myself at every turn and will most likely delete this post later.
Why does it have to be that way?
I don't love myself. Yet.

Happy Valentine's day!

What an awful, awful weekend I'm having. Started out with a party I didn't necessarily want. On Friday the 13th no less. My lucky day. Got home after waking up feeling like someone hit me in the head with a bat and going to school, started cleaning and feeling like I wasn't doing enough. Dealing with my roommates before party days is not a fun activity. Have a nap and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed. I get up and get dressed and people start arriving. Special Friend and his friend arrive and I'm really happy to see him. It's been a strange past few weeks, I've been really emotional and he's been sort of distant, yet he tells me he loves me and all this bullshit. He ends up getting drunk and hooking up with someone else, which I could forgive if it wasn't for the fact that I had explained time and time again that I am NOT strong enough to deal with that right now. He comes to bed an hour or two after I do with all this bullshit saying that he loves me but, he's not in love with me. It's not me, it's him. Blahblahblah. I tell him

Fine.

Get out of my life. 

I don't care. I don't need you. I only liked you because you liked me back. And now that you don't. I don't.

And that is that. I'm really good at cutting people out. I only hope that it doesn't hurt extracting every bit of him. I deleted his phone number. I'm throwing away his jacket. His stupid bear. I'm done.