Mercurial

I'm fairly sure that this is largely one of the reasons I still think I'm crazy sometimes. I mean, sure I know on some level that I'm not really crazy but the ridiculous and intense mood swings that I go through have to mean that something doesn't work inside of me like I'd like it to. I'm not sure exactly how to go about changing this. Or even if it needs to be changed. I don't want to feel like I have forever but, How can I change how I feel?
It's really difficult for me to imagine how I could go from wanting to no longer be alive to being ambivalent about all of the ridiculously difficult things I must accomplish in the next 3 weeks in mere hours. Is that okay with me? I've gone from hating my nature to utilizing it to rebuking it to momentarily accepting it. All in the span of a day.
I would have to say that with all of the ups and downs (Mood swings? hell, they're more like mood tilt-a-whirls) my main issue is being so sensitive. I might go through the same changes as everyone else (which is what I suspect) but for some reason I feel things and analyze things and experience sensation more intensely. The adjective that titles this post can describe me accurately. I am me. I am so many things that I have yet to make peace with. Like the messenger god or the poisonous silver metal, I am ever-changing, quickly adapting, and probably making people (myself) act a little strangely...

Identify with what?

So, today's theory as to why I feel the way I do is the fact that I so readily identify with negativity. I make up the stories (last week's theory) and then embody that negative image that I've created.

So, my friends are getting bored with me whining. Then I identify with that obnoxious loser.
So, he doesn't love me. Then I identify as unloveable, worthless
So, I'm sad all the time. Then I identify with that depression

This blog is supposed to be positive. I've also been struggling (such a struggle, this life) with the idea that maybe I might be doing more harm than good with writing about all the negative aspects of my life. So, today I will talk about how good my lesson was. My teacher told me that I have a great ear which is something he apparently doesn't tell all of his students. I made it through another day. The hard part of this week is over. I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. I'm to a point where thinking about the past or the future is really difficult. So, I must think about the (slightly less difficult) present. What am I doing right now? Am I being truly myself? Feeding the good wolf and being authentic and deprogramming? I think I'm connecting with this moment and that's all I can ask of myself.

Actions vs. Intent

Action is the only way we have to convey ourselves to others. Today at work, I literally wanted to run screaming from the store never to come back. But, I managed to be polite to customers and keep on task. I don't think that I'm a bad worker. However, my shift lead (after passive aggressively telling me to do what I thought I was already doing) took me aside to tell me that my work ethic is being questioned. Do I really want to be there? Of course not! Who honestly wants to work at a corporate coffee shop in a shopping center? I very strongly dislike being anywhere near that place. Of course, I didn't say that. Actions really do speak louder than words. I hope that I can last there a few months more. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do...
My intent is something that I'm having trouble with. What do I really want? Do I really want to be here? I think I've moved past the stage of heartbroken onto existential nihilist. This is a problem that I must address. Could it possibly be clinical depression? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that the bad wolf is kicking the good wolf's ass. The committee is having a party, not just a meeting. And I'm somewhere inside there, trying (but not really doing anything) to be positive and wait for it to be over.
I'm at school right now. I kind of never want to be come back, ever again. I know that I have to face this place for two more weeks. I have to face my friends who want me to be happy but can't do anything about it. I have to face my teachers who don't know what's going on. I have to face him. I have to face all of the stories I've built in my head (they're getting bored of dealing with me. Who cares? they just want me to shut the fuck up so I'm more pleasant to be around) I have to come back and I don't want to. Nobody can make it any better. I have to. I intend to be happy and loved and wonderful but am I acting like it? I have to do something to make it better. And I don't know how...

And I haven't blogged?

Weird.

I spent all day doing nothing. Last night, after having what I think was a panic attack at work, I stumbled into my room. Took off my backpack, dry-heaved a couple of times and went to sleep. Woke up feeling roughly the same. Obviously, school was not high on my priority list. I think it's remarkable the coping mechanisms that we are afforded and how some are granted so many tools to cope with situations they don't want to be a part of. Others don't have much to work with.
Why? Why does this have to happen? I could just be happy. It should be easy. Life should be rewarding, satisfying and beautiful and I should think and feel things that I just don't but wish that I did.
I feel like I might be one of the people that is capable of coping with depression. Maybe that's why I deserve to feel this way. I can get out of this. I hope.

Supposed to be

I struggle with the concept of "Fate". It's difficult to believe that everything happens for a reason when affected by such unnecessary events. And the things that have happened to me pale in comparison to some. I should look into some Deepak Chopra or something. It's somewhat comforting to know that there is information out there that will lead me to find happiness inside. Everything that happens and continues to happen for a reason. I'm not sure. That seems like another way of saying that we all deserve the things that happen to us. I mean, yes we are the result of a system of choices, but I dont think that everything can be explained away with "That's life". The way I've felt for months now is just...wrong. I can't explain it but, I know I should no longer feel cold hurt in the center of my chest. Everyone deserves happiness, right? Even the fucked up, the hurters, the people who don't care. Even I, who once was one of those things, deserves to enjoy his life, right?

The wolf I feed

apparently there's a raging battle inside every cherokee (which i'm not but for all intents and purposes I identify with strongly) between two wolves:

The good wolf whom I imagine looks like a certain polar bear-esque german sherperd

and the bad wolf whom I imagine is actually a werewolf that looks suspiciously like me

The good wolf is all the things that I strive for: truth, beauty, love, connection, peace and happiness. The bad wolf is everything I am all too familiar with: misery, hatred, hurt, inadequacy, ego and isolation. The wolf that wins the rip-snarling, seemingly perpetual battle is the wolf I choose to feed. You know what the evil wolf eats? Probably a combination of Hurt programming, scraps from the commitee table inside my head, and McDonalds. The good wolf satisfies itself with homemade tortillas, Authenticity and slow but sure work towards positivity. The bad news is the evil wolf is a lot easier to feed and a lot more resilient. The good news is I've found the good wolf's bowl.

I'm different

So much can be contained in that phrase.
I feel as though I am an entirely changed person in comparison to who I was a few months ago. I realize that maybe everything makes sense. Or not. Or it's okay even if and when it doesn't. I don't know what's going on in my life but, I feel as though I'll be okay. Soon. Like now. Maybe I'm fine now? I definitely have never felt this feeling before. Is this what okay feels like? It's actually kind of uncomfortable to me. So new and different compared to what I've always been. Hm.
I feel as though I've also gained so much ability to process things in relation to my true self. This whole ordeal has been a disagreeable patch in my life that is thankfully coming to a close. I feel like now that I've moved, now that I'm starting to actually get over him, now that I've gotten closer to my family, everything is going to fall into place. The semester is ending and I'm doing well in most of my classes. I don't hate going to work as much as I used to. And all of this doesn't even matter because I'm learning that every day is a cause to celebrate no matter what. Good or Bad. I'm happier simply because I know this fact and simply because I have gotten closer to that Authentic self that I didn't know existed until my persona was broken. I'm glad I'm different. I'm glad I'm me.

Enjoy your life

I am envious of those obnoxious people who seem to enjoy their lives no matter what happens. Now, I'm not so naive as to actually think rhat anyone's life is perfect (or any better than mine) nor do I think that just because someone seems joyful that they actually are. I'm actually thinking "why not me?" I deserve happiness. I deserve love and joy and truth and beauty and all the things that I believe have somehow escaped me.
I know that just because this life isn't happening the way I want it to doesn't mean I should be miserable. Nobody should feel the way I feel, including me! There's a thought.
I've become proficient at coming up with logical theories as to what might work for me. To achieve this happiness, I am still unaware of how to actually go about it.. How do I implement these things once my head and my heart make peace? I've gotten a lot closer, they're entering negotiation I think, but what next?
In the meantime, I think what might work is to practice my affirmation and get more in tune with my true self. That seems to be working incrementally so far. Okay? Let's do it.

Stories

So, I walk around with all these stories in my head. I see someone and what they're doing and how they're doing it and all of a sudden, a creepy little story will make its way behind my eyes. They're probably this... or that....or they're doing it because of blahblahblah. I don't know ANYTHING about anyone else. Despite being a Communications Major, despite loving to people-watch. I am woefully ignorant of yet utterly dependent on their "true" story.
It's bothersome.
If only I didn't care. Man, I'm sensitive. I've been doing my best to unmask all of the little voices in my head pretending they belong to me. The ones that make up the stories and then tell me that I need them. The ones that feed on insecurities and Hurt programming, my baggage and other people's baggage. They're so tricksy the jeering, pathetic, supplicating voices that have nothing to do with me. I am NOT a hurtful person. I refuse to live in a dark place.
It's time to find the good things that I know are in there.

No, not just okay. HAPPY

I think I've been thinking a little too small scale with my mantra. I don't just want to be okay. I want to be HAPPY. As in ecstatic, joyous, wonderful, awesome, elated and effervescent. I don't just want to be neutral or "meh"
It's about perception. I feel like convincing myself that the world is wonderful is way better than deluding myself that the world is a bad place just because bad stuff happens. It's not going to stop happening for a while so I must learn to thrive instead of cope.
I'm grateful for what has happened and continues to happen. It has taught me a lot about my true self and how I'm not as fucked up as I thought I was. I'd like for it to be over soon but, I know that I can get through it. Your story is beginning again. Celebrate, okay?

Find the peace. Let it go. Be okay.

My new affirmation for myself. I must let it all go. There is some weird thing inside masquerading as a part of me that wants to hold on to the past, my expectations of the future, these feelings. I feel like it's right next to my heart. So close that I can't distinguish the two. I must find some semblance of peace.
One thing that I have been terrified of doing is merely trying to be okay. I don't want to try. I want to do. That weird thing is keeping me from it. It can't be true or authentic. I want, with all of my being, to be happy and okay. I've been learning that It's always something or another. If only.....(I didn't have to work, I was a better musician, he loved me, blahblahblah)....
There's always going to be something. I can't put off feeling good anymore just because of a pattern of disagreeable circumstances. So, now what?

I don't want to feel this way anymore

That's my number one priority right now. I know this is what I need. I know it. But, now all I can do is strive for something better. Nobody else can make it happen. I have to.
If I can make it through the semester, through the year, through something. I can just survive and eventually it should all get better, right?
This whole thing has fucked me up, royally. I'm way too sensitive. Maybe they were right, that I should just focus on school instead of doing too much. In the future, I will be honest with my authentic self. I can't have this ruining my life. Time heals all wounds? Nope.

What are you going to do with your life?

I munna get what I want!

Christ.

okay. So, not really. I'm actually going to get what I need. I'm not sure what the difference is yet but I'll figure it out. I posted earlier "if only I could focus my energy on positive happenstance..."
well, why not? I dont really know what the best outcome for me will be so tonight I will go to sleep and focus on getting what I need. I don't know what it is but it will come. It might not necessarily be what I want right now but I do know that I've never been scared of putting immediate, fleeting desires on hold for a longer lasting happiness. I think the two might correspond this time, though. Want and need for me aren't too far apart. I want what is best for me right now and in the future.

The goal is not to have a goal

and yet, here I am attempting to thrive. Maybe I'm just trying to be okay instead of actually getting there. I feel like I've been through enough to where I can say confidently that I am no longer the person I was months or even weeks ago. I was talking to my friend from out of town about all the bullshit, and I realized that the way I interact with people has changed. I like it. I used to get mad at people so much more easily. I used to be more inconsiderate and unaware. I feel like I should treat people now with more clarity and kindness than I ever did in the past. I expect it from the people who love me so, I try to give nothing but brutal, compassionate honesty.
To me, now more than ever, its all about Authenticity
I would like to believe that I am a powerful person. Something about all of these coimcidences and how I've been interpreting and dealing with them leads me to believe that I am more present in my life than I used to be. If only I could focus my energy on positive happenstance...
I've changed/grown/learned.

Don't Yell unless something is wrong

 Sound advice (haha) given to some random child from an exasperated parent. I spent most of yesterday with my Mom and Little Brother. She came up to help me move into a new house and for that I am very, very grateful. Moving is always a stressful experience but this move has been the smoothest transition so far. I hope to stay here for more than 8 months, if possible. I need stability.

Most of yesterday was spent hanging out with the Fam but I spent yesterday night hanging out with a friend from out of town. It was quite enjoyable even if I did happen to stay out wayyy too late. 

My life seems to be continuing. It's not as dynamic as I'd like it to be but then things are never satisfying enough for me. I was commenting on the state of things to my Mom and we reached the decision that something just felt wrong. I don't know what it is but it's pervasive in my life right now. I feel like I should be yelling because...I don't know why. 

hm.

Transitions

I'm moving again. This will be the fourth time in 2 years.  I'd really like to stay at this new place for longer than 8 months...

It would seem that I am STILL in a period of transition. I remember around February when all of the shit I was going through seemed insurmountable. I thought ahead to the time when I wouldn't be heartbroken, when I would enjoy living, when I wouldn't be heavy with all kinds of self-imposed negativity. So far, it hasn't happened yet. 

I hope that this next step is good for me. 

I don't want to regret or hurt anymore. 

Backwardssdrawkcab

I dunno. I'm feeling like I'm moving along...Kinda moving forwards but, maybe not. I'm surrounded by all of this tumultuous feeling that I have no control over. My friend and compatriot is now in a position I might once have envied: The person who broke his heart has realized their mistake and is now seeking to reconcile the situation. I am jealous of him in one way but, more importantly I am jealous of him because he confided in me that he has fully healed from the ordeal. Meaning that he doesn't want to hurt himself or anyone else and has the clarity to do the things that he knows are right. I wish I could say the same for myself. I have no idea what's going on, what I want, what I can have and what's good for me. One would think that after 2 months, I would be on my way to be totally okay with everything. This has always been the person that I am though. I have no concept of time in relation to healing. It's always going to be right now and the grass is always greener on the other side. I remember when I was happy. I remember even 5 days ago when I was so close to being totally fine. Where was he? Where is that person that I was? I miss him. 

Consistently inconsistent

Really? Really, now?

I thought we were over this. And I was doing so very,very well. All the creeping little stories have made their way back into my head...

He probably doesn't care anymore. I'll never get better. Nobody loves me. Blahblahblah. I would think the first is more true than anything. I wish I could figure out the secret. How can I get to be so nonchalant? I guess the answer is: Find a distracting boy toy. Ignore my feelings. Shouldn't be too hard, right? 

Ugh. I want so bad to be okay. We're going to talk and it's going to be awkward and nothing will change. I'm making this shit up and its probably going to happen. 

I can't stop imprinting my negative will on the future and it won't GO AWAY.

Valley. Extraodinary one. 

relapse.

hm. these Thirteenths haven't been all that great for me. I'll have to make the next one better than these two. Shouldn't be too hard now. I think it's funny how everything else can be fine and nothing is really all that bad and something as simple as hearing him laugh can make that chest pain thing come back. Really? Really, now? This is now literally ridiculous. I'm just angry now. At myself. Entirely. I'd like to live my life now, thanks. I'd rather forget than wait forever. I can't continue to wonder if it's bothering him. I can't keep wondering whether he thinks about me. Whether or not he'll admit his mistake. Whether he'll ever apologize. I KNOW that it's wrong. I KNOW for a fact that I shouldn't feel like this anymore. My progress isn't linear and it never will be so I must be okay with it. It's been two months and I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

Sacrilege

Here is the Easter Celebration I went to. It was interesting and blasphemous and all that jazz. I hung out with friends and danced even though I was really tired. I might have considered today an "off" day if I still wholeheartedly believed that a days events dictate its worth. If I focus on the negative, that's all it will be. So, I will focus on the fact that I wore this bitchen shirt that had suspenders on it and got a lot of compliments on it. So there. 

Doing enough

or too much, possibly. I always run the risk of doing too much both figuratively and literally, though. Here I am at the 24 hour laundromat 5 hours before I have to go to work at 6 am. Oh well, at least we're moving back in. A full 4 days before I move out....
hm.
Tomorrow I shall be a member of a cadre of hilariously toga-ed heathens. You can definitely expect pictures. Also, I'm more content wirh my life as it stands right now. It's unfortunate that certain players refuse to follow the script in my head. A shame, really. My expectations are usually nicer than reality. How strange for a pragmatist.

Life happens even when you don't blog about it

I thought I'd steal that from my mom. It's just a good thought to have. I've been blogging every day but, I've noticed that because I am less depressed than I once was, the dedication I've been showing to blogging has been slipping. Oh well.
Here I am at 8:26 in the morning getting ready to start cleaning and packing to move. The Improv Nation Comedy show was fun. Now, to other activities.
Another funny (?) aspect of my life is the fact that apparently some drama happened at the club which I was almost entirely unaware of. I feel bad about it but it's something that I can't change I guess. I'm definitely more about being friendly with everyone than being the cause of a fight, though. How weird that I can be in a hole of depression for months and then emerge this entirely changed person. I guess that's life, though.

Outing

Wait, what?
I actually went out on a Thursday night? And had FUN????
Weird.
But, I did. I danced and hung out with some old friends. Even though I had a mid-term the next day. It was alright. Everything is alright, I think. Now I'm hanging out with my wife before we go the Improv Nation Comedy show on campus. Tomorrow is the big cleaning day. Sunday I'll be hanging out with Friends. Next Wednesday I move. Everything is turning out fine.

Which child am I?

So, I went to a Passover meal at my friends house. It was quite entertaining. We actually did all of the pageantry and l'chaiming and all that stuff. It was really interesting. One of the things that stuck out to me (other than the blasphemy that was going around the table) was this concept of Four Children. There's a Wise Child, a Selfish Child, A Silent Child and a Simple Child. They are supposed to symbolize a different kind of person present at the Seder and as the youngest person, I got to ask all of the questions from each perspective. I don't feel particularly close to the Silent or the Simple child. I am not now nor have I ever been what other people would believe to be simple. I don't think I'm silent very often. I sure do a lot of loud thinking, talking, expressing and not much silence. So, I would have to say that I am either the Wise child or the Selfish child. The Selfish child is often called the Wicked child which hits a little to close to home, I think. I would like to dissociate myself from the impulse that makes me think of my needs first and foremost and to disregard what is needed or what others feel. I don't know. I suppose I would have to be a 5th child. Not Wise, Selfish, Silent or Simple. Maybe a mixture of all 4?

It's funny how a ridiculously fun evening can turn into a contemplative though process once I get logged onto blogger.com. Hahahaha

Better...Again

So, I didn't put it out there because I thought it wouldn't come true. But, today was supposed to be my magical recovery date after the 13th of March didn't really work out. I think I have a lot of unrealistic expectations for myself in regards to how I'm going to feel about everything after it's over. Maybe I'm better now? And this is what it's supposed to feel like...
I'm not really sure. I was hoping to be able to move out guilt free, to never be hurt by him ever again, to enjoy my life and not get bogged down by all of the Unnecessary, Trivial, MUNDANE.
*sigh*
I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied. No, actually I know I will be. It could happen tomorrow. It's just not happening right now and that bothers me for some reason. Oh well, I'll get over it.
So, this is another stage. I'm at a point where I am better, again. I think even more so than the last time. I've taken it past where I was and am now headed towards something...great.

Constant Heaps, Constant Valleys

Hmmm. I am once again in a very strange place. I wish that I could be constantly happy or constantly neutral. It seems that even though I have accepted my progress as marked by good and bad times, it doesn't make it any easier. Still the place I' m in is not nearly as dark as it would have been a month ago. I'm grateful for that, I think.
Today there was a new Wind Ensemble conducting candidate. I actually enjoyed rehearsal for the very first time in months. It was good. I was engaged musically. I feel like I left rm. 153 with a better idea of how the songs should be played. All very good things. This is today's cause for celebration. And it's not even over yet. I have spirited away a spare moment to blog because I was supposed to be at a brass quintet rehearsal that got canceled. I still have Oceanography, Orchestra and the Improv. Nation meeting tonight. Let's see how all that goes.

Destructive trains of thought: Derailed

Okay. So, my tasks (as dictated by Rob Brezny) are to
1.Disrupt negative thoughts as they flow through my brain
2. Do the half-right thing when it's impossible to do the totally right thing
3. Understand that to progress through my current situation I have to accept it, realize my role in perpetuating it, and be thankful for all it has taught me (!!!!)

Wow. Way to go astrology. I feel like these are generally good things to do no matter what is going on in my life. But, I needed to hear it from an outside source apparently. Negative thoughts....They've been overpowering lately. I have been a powerful magnet for negativity lately. By performing the third task, I am slowly but surely making my way out of what's going on.
Destructive trains keep on chugging..."I wonder what he's doing right now?" BAM! Derailed. "I hate cleaning, this probably isn't good enough" HAH! Derailed. "Ugh, I hate my body" POW! No more. It's a little bit tiring but ultimately better for me. And I've never been against doing difficult things that will ultimately better my life.

Cause for celebration

I'm going to find the cause for celebration in every day. Sounds like a good plan. I'm letting go of the bad feelings. I realized today that for some reason, I hold on to them. I hold on to the Hurt. I hold on to the Hurter. I find tragedy appealing. Hm. Why? Doesn't make me more interesting or more attractive. I have to unlearn a lot of things that have thus far not been working for me. So, today was good because I went to the gym. I got a free sandwich. I made it through an 8 hour shift. And I talked to Mom. All good things. I'm not trying not to focus on the bad things. I'm NOT focusing on them. Or something. There's a difference between trying and doing and actualizing and ruling your universe. I'm figuring it out, I think. Maybe this is just a heap. But it doesn't feel like one. It kind of feels like the opposite of those strange valleys where I feel like something is so wrong with the situation that nothing will ever be right again. I still feel like some things with my life are so very, very wrong but I have this sneaking suspicion that everything is going to be alright. Hmmm...

Good Friday

I had one. I went out with friends to go listen to one of our friends perform. Then we went to a bar to hang out and a restaurant to eat at one in the morning. I ended up walking home because MUNI doesn't run that late. haha
It was great. I've realized that I want to become more social. I was feeling kind of tired so, I considered staying home and saying eff that noise but I went anyways and I'm glad I did it. I was there while my friends were going through some drama and I think I helped out. I was there watching my friend perform and it was nice and mellow. It all just went very pleasantly.

Assumptions

Last night I went to a completely relevant and topical magic class with two of my roommates. Again, there was so many coincidences and again I feel a lot better after going. The whole thing was about the assumptions we make and why we make them. I've realized that the reason I make assumptions about the way other folks and I interact is because I have no idea what other people are thinking. Sure, I like to guess and check in and fantasize about what they're doing but, I'll never really know. I have to learn to be okay with never being fully emotionally safe. I make assumptions (and act on them) because I want to protect myself, to avoid feeling vulnerable. I do it because I want to have some measure of understanding of or control over the situation. I just want to be okay.
The last post I made. I'm still acting under the Hurt programming.
How I interact with my roommates. Hurt Programming.
How much I'm doing in school. All assumptions based on past bullshit that I don't want anymore. I suppose I have to continue to interact with all of these things for a little while longer but right now I'm refusing to let it get to me.

Assumptions:
You don't want to be around me. You don't love me. Because I was so easy to get over, I'm worthless.
You all think that I've abandoned you. You're right about every negative thought you might have about me.
Because we were poor during my childhood and because I was apathetic in high school, I'm destined to be a failure. And a killer schedule now is somehow going to change that.

........HA! I've put them out there. They're big and scary and they've been running my life. They might continue to exist but it's not about me anymore. That's all bullshit, Hurt programming and...nothing much else, really.

Over and Getting Back into: It

Today was the first day of school. I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole thing. I walked in feeling pretty good because I woke up in my hotel and had breakfast with my Mama. Put on a pretty spiffy outfit and did okay in my first classes (one was even canceled!) and then....Wind Ensemble. *sigh* If only I actually wanted to be there. Not going to lie, though. I do have fun. It's usually because of my section mates. The music is alright. I'm not even all that bothered by Evan being there. It's just the whole energy of it really doesn't sit well with me or something. Whatever. I did get to eat before my lesson which was good. I was however, accosted by the aforementioned outside while texting someone. Gah. For the first time, I wanted him to go away. I don't think he reads this anymore but I wouldn't care if he did or not so, I'm not even sure why I mention it. I've made a lot of decisions (without checking in first) mainly for my benefit. I don't know if they're going to last. This break helped me to get some clarity. I'm further along in the process than I was though not as far as I'd like. Oh well.

The thought that has been running through my head pretty much non stop right now is:

So, this is my life right now.

I don't know if there are negative or positive feelings behind that. Maybe that's a good thing. Neutrality is way better than what I've been feeling lately.