My favorite Emotion

It seems that I say the words "It's frustrating" a lot. It's like my catchphrase. Here I am, woken up way too early for this school day filled with things I don't want to do and people I don't want to deal with. In the past few days I've been frustrated by my life, being required to do things, my back/neck hurting, a member of the Five, dealing with my own inadequacy. The thing is...I just DON'T want to do any of it, though.

There's another feeling I'm familiar with.

The Five

The Mighty Five. A group of Russian Composers and a symbolic representation of me and my group of close friends at SF state. I'm Cesar Cui, obvi. I mean just listen to the name: Cuuiiiiiii

anyways, they were upset after reading my blog that I never referenced them in my blog so here they are. In all of their Russian Neo-Romantic Glory. Mily Balkirev, Modest Moussorgsky, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Alexander Borodin and of course Cesar Cui. We're like a disfunctional little family. Super disfunctional. But, I love them and that's that.

The Sun

I wish it was back. Light, warmth, photosynthesis....provider of good things. It seems like it's always raining now. I have a lot longer to go before it starts being warm again.

I made my Rufio costume for Halloween. It's going to be AWESOME. I'm pretty excited except for the fact that it's most likely going to rain on Friday. Oh well, story of my life.

I'd like for it to be bright tomorrow.

I want

my neck to stop hurting

it to stop raining

to work out

abs

the semester to be over

to learn how to play ukulele better

a boyfriend

to go on a vacation

and to never come back. Ever.

that's pretty much it. Don't give a fuck. Essays, Essays, Essays.

I hate everything. even puppies. Waahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Pretending to care

It's hard. Music is hard. Everything is hard. This is something I apparently have to learn.

Orchestra dress rehearsal and performance tomorrow. This whole "good attitude" thing is fleeting beyond my reach. I wonder what it's like for those people? Where does the motivation come from....

I think about this a lot. I've been exposed to a lot of positive examples of people who are good players, good at life, good people. I really can't be driven to anything after I see examples of people who make the best out of a good situation. Good for them, those good people.

So, how can I make myself care? That's the question of the year. It's not coming from within, obviously. And even people who work hard; who have transcended the general trend can't make it better for me. I have to do it for myself but I don't know how....

Thoughts

they are what keep me awake at the moment. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day....

I have to meet with my music advisor. I hope that goes well...he's probably the only person at San Francisco State that intimidates me.

so I can't sleep by myself let alone with another person. I found myself thinking today that I am lonely but not alone. Weird. I thought I'd moved past all that.

It rained today...gosh, I hate being wet.

I feel really good about the fact that I've been working out a lot lately.

I am going to stress eat so much food tomorrow. Better pack a healthy lunch.

My bag broke on Saturday. You know what I want? One of those vintage leather briefcase backpacks. That would be really cool.

I haven't talked to mein Freund in a while...I wonder what he's up to?

Ugh. I hope next semester works out. Too many classes that I have to take and only 3 that I want to take.

If there was a way to turn off thinking with a switch, I could be so productive. Too bad that committee meeting in my head meets at a circular table with no beginning and no end.

fun with people

So, just got back from a party where interesting things happened. It was for a friendly acquaintance's birthday. I thought it was awesome that I get to socialize with people on a fairly friendly basis. Even managed to flirt with a boy! Amazing stuff really...social lives are good to have, right?

I had a lesson this morning that wasn't terrible. I haven't practiced at all but that's not the point. My main thing is that I've reached a point where I feel like I can explain myself and be understood. Which is good because I need as much help as I can get in how I'm trying to tailor my experience at San Francisco State. And I guess, life in general. I wish I could be positive and mask all of my negative emotions to be more productive and professional. I guess my thoughts are often times so loud that I feel like other people have to hear them, too. I'm not so good with the whole attitude thing...

It's something I should probably work on but I'm just so sick of jumping through hoops and pleasing other people. High School is over. I pay to attend this institution and would like to collaborate, not conflict or submit.

Fear of failure

more like...discomfort with failure. Dislike or even Hatred of failure. I'm failurephobic, if you will. Not just my own but, other peoples' as well. That's probably why I dislike being in orchestra so much. It makes me uncomfortable to be around that much mediocrity.

I had a meeting with a psychological counselor a couple of weeks ago and she told me that how I'm relating to music is a lot like someone who is in a relationship that breaks up with their significant other before they can hurt them. To which I respond "yeah.....so what's the problem with that?" Weird but I'm pretty sure there are worse things than never finding out if something is going to go one way or the other.

Dios Diez Deus

Today is October 10, 2010. 10-10-10. I'm back home in San Luis Obispo and of course there are certain things that come with that: Eating too much,, a disproportionate amount of white people and of course a subtle feeling of unrest even though I am relaxed for the most part. Because of a particularly religious episode of Glee, I was thinking a lot about faith today. Mostly objective thoughts, except for this man who kept PUSHING Jesus Christ on my little brother while we were out getting Fro-yo today. Gah. Way to ruin my indulgence there, buddy. Obtrusive and rude.

Still, maybe it's a message? I came down here to get my head straight. One would think that I could have received a message from whoever it is while in San Francisco...i mean, I did spend months playing for a church...but anyways the Lord works in mysterious ways or something. Whatever.

with an emphasis in Intercultural Communications

That's what's going to happen. I'm going to graduate with a degree in Communications with an emphasis in Intercultural Comm. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? The most important thing is that I

a. went to an advisor

b. received advising about my degree

c. now feel that I can accomplish my degree with relative ease in a reasonable amount of time

Wow. Take THAT School of Music and Dance. The goat rodeo which I am subjected to every day was just surpassed by the amazing professor for whom I'll be a teacher's assistant next semester before I study abroad in Germany next fall. Exciting stuff.

Proactive.

Super stressed about the way the Orchestra situation is going to play out. So, how do I react? Escapism. Or Study Abroad...whichever you like to call it. I've been abusing my work privileges of computer + printer and coordinating letters of recommendation all day (all the while careful to avoid the orchestra director/my advisor...I'll make it work...) Tomorrow I have a meeting with a study abroad advisor and my advisor for my other major. I came home after not practicing and immediately got some shit into order. It gives me a sense of calm in all kindsa chaos, I guess. I've realized that I have this ability for making the best out of bad situations...whether or not the bad situations are because of me. I think I excel at this ability to a fault.

Can I have a do-over?

I'm not entirely sure any decision I've made recently is a good one. The fact that people still believe me to be capable of being an adult in real life is literally astonishing to me. The general discomfort I'd had with my life has now been replaced by self doubt. Also impatience. Things that are good right now: Pewter Doc Martens, Ear gauges, last month of being twenty years old, Halloween is coming, I love my friends. Things that are bad right now: Orchestra...and school in General. This whole re-shifting my identity away from being a trumpet player is proving to be easier than I thought it would be in some ways. Harder in others but overall...I think I feel good?

I'd like to go to sleep and wake up on Friday which is when I get to go home.