Dificultades

I'm afraid I'm letting this negativity seep into my posture, my way of being, my speech patterns, everything.

It has a lot to do with the fact that it's cold here, my right lung hurts constantly, I can't STOP thinking about money (even though it's just stupid fucking paper) and I am reminded time and time again that I'm not the charming social butterfly I was once thought to be.

I sound like a broken record but I'm really grateful to the people who put up with that. It'll pass, I hope. I literally reach the same conclusion every time: I have to find a job. or take out a loan. or somehow win the lottery or something. The way that it's going right now, I won't make it to India...which means temporary failure/restrategizing.

But in spite of all these difficulties, I'm still here.

strange people

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there you read this and know that, yes, it’s true, I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

--Frida Kahlo

I love this. To my strange counterparts: I love you.


At a strange point in my life. We are beyond the halfway point in my studies...which I am temporarily too exhausted to put more effort in than the minimum amount.

I'm also strange romantically, I guess. I keep thinking about this logically...and then realizing I am not a logical person. Or just my logic doesn't look like a lot of peoples' logic, I guess. I suppose if things were easy, everyone would be happy and in relationships and nobody would fight. Which is not the case. All I'm saying is: my standards are not super high. Someone interesting who wants to hang out with me enough to make effort is pretty much it. That doesn't seem like much to ask, right?


Oh well. Stranger things have happened. Ordinary things happen too, though.

Everything I need

I really do have it all. I have a job and am self-actualizing like crazy. I have wonderful friends and a very full schedule that keeps me busy. I have a place to live, clothes, enough money to live for right now. I'm satisfied for the most part. Really, I am.

I was just thinking how nice it would be to share all of that with someone. Someone who is willing to spend time with me. Not even really a relationship because lord knows I am not emotionally/geographically/temporally stable for that. I'm just saying I'm in a good place...it'd be nice to get found.

Oh well. The only thing I can do is continue to live my awesome life and whatever happens, happens. There are definitely many other positive things to prioritize.

you're wrong

One thing that I'm glad that I get out of all of this is the feeling that no matter what...I am worth it.

If you try and tell me, either explicitly or implicitly, that I'm not good enough or smart enough or attractive  enough; you're wrong.

Classes are going great. Everything is really good. First bit of unpleasantness in the form of a dude but, it can't be avoided, I guess. Or rather, it shouldn't be avoided because it comes with the territory.

I'm also looking into possible funding options. Maybe scholarships or such things offered by the university. I was kind of against the whole issue because, while I'm mostly sure that I deserve to be here, I don't need a scholarship committee who doesn't know me at all to disagree and shake all the great progress I've been making.

still in a super good place!

BerlinBerlin

I live in an amazing, magical city. 

Everything went more or less okay. I spoke with my boss and my landlord (who have yet to transfer money into my account..hmm...), carried all of my HEAVY stuff across the country and have been enjoying the aforementioned magic. I still feel a bit like a visiting tourist because I've been eating and hanging out with friends from all over the place: James, Beryl, Noa, Mischa, Ben, Robyn, Sarah....yeah.

Tomorrow will be the first day I go to my internship, which will be pretty exciting. I have to provide all of the bureacratic bs like social insurance and go to the finance office and blahblahblahGermanyblah. 

Tuesday is my orientation. I'm looking forward to finally getting some concrete information about what I will be doing in terms of studying. Also to meet the other GSP students. 

My main worry at the moment is finding an apartment. I've sent out approximately 150 emails, received 9 invitations, been to about 5 viewings and have liked all of them but didn't end up getting picked by the roommates. I will be living in my awesome and generous friend's house for the month of April so, that shouldn't be a problem. It would still be nice to have my own semi-permanent place of residence secured. Oh well, it'll happen sooner or later. 

All that aside, I'm really happy to be here :)

Letzte Woche

I have 5 days left in this city. In that time I will need to take care of the following:

Monday through Thursday Intensive English course with sullen teenagers (Four hours a day! Whooo!)

Normal classes that take place after 1pm (all three of them...in Mannheim/Walldorf)

Packing (ugh)

Cleaning (ugh)

Talking to the male authority figures in my life (soon-to-be former Landlord and Boss..back to back)

See people that I would like to see

Work out one last time

Catch the rideshare at 6:15pm on Friday evening

Shouldn't be difficult...or it should, rather, but I can handle it. In other news, I went to Berlin last weekend to interview for a (paid!) internship which I ended up getting. It starts on the 8th of April so, I'll have a bit of a break before going back to that "go get 'em" attitude I've been having as of late. Pretty excited for this part of  my life to transition to the next.

Strong and fit

words from a strong supportive force in my life.

I'm mildly (read. INTENSELY) freaking out about the money and time situation with this whole Master's degree thing. I'm hoping that I don't have to, sometime between Argentina, India or sometime thereafter, call my mom up and ask if I can live with her while I figure out the broken shambles of my academic career.

That wouldn't be very much fun.

Imma have to get hustlin'...'tis the only way. It's okay, though. I'm a hustla baby.

I have three weeks left to go in Heidelberg. Am trying to keep my head above water, not spend too much money, work out while I still have some stability in my life and stay calm before the whirlwind that will be Berlin.

Tying up loose ends

I'll be leaving soon. Basically three and a half weeks....scary to think about all the work that has to be done between now and then.

I'm applying for a paid internship that I can possibly do while going to school in Berlin. My goal is to hit the ground running as soon as I get to Berlin. I know that, if given time, I could run the place. 4 Months isnt exactly the time frame I had to get established in a new city the last time but, I think I can manage. It's all just an exercise in my survival skills, I suppose.

Trying (and briefly failing) to get back into studying Spanish. Voy a ir a Argentina y por eso tengo que practicar...and I also still feel like my German isn't exactly where I'd like it to be. Not to mention my (basically non-existant) Arabic. One day!

My real issue is that I don't even know where to begin. I first have to find that wild horse before I can get back on again....verbs and tenses and grammar and THINGS. What sort of advice would I give myself as a language teacher? Start small again, find weaknesses and work on them. Listen to podcasts. But I'm sooo laaaaazyyyyy hahaha. I know this feeling well from both sides.

Last month in Heidelberg

just began my last month living in this little town.

Started it by getting my hair cut at a german salon. BIG MISTAKE. not only did the girl have no idea what she was doing, I had the sad, sad realization that I am balding....so now I have a fucked up haircut in addition to patches on the back/top.

Also, my semester ticket ran out. And seeing as I have to go all over the place for work, this does not bode well. I could pay the fees (resulting in upwards of 100 euros by the end of the month) or I could 'ride black' as they say. Stress in my stomach and looking for people in official-looking black jackets. Sounds like an enjoyable way to spend about 45 minutes, 8 times a week.

BUT. all this cannot take away from the fact. I will live in Berlin in four weeks. That is going to happen. Dreams coming true, ambitions being realized.

I love stress

It seems as though this mentality will be the only one to get me through the next month. I can do it! I will pack/clean my apartment, tell my boss(es) that I'm quitting, exmatriculate,  finally get my computer and transfer all of my old files onto it, get my hair cut, work, figure out what to do about public transportation, collect all of my paperwork, find a rideshare to go to Berlin sometime during march, register at HU, say goodbye to everyone and then move across the country. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I got in.

to the University of Humboldt zu Berlin. I will start my master's degree in Global Studies starting in April. That is going to happen. Everything is working out.

Breathe.

It's almost like it's not real.As I was telling a friend, I thought I had misread the letter. But, my German isn't that bad...(there's only one way to understand the word 'Zulassungsbescheid') I did a lot of work for it. I spoke with people and they didn't lie to me. It paid off. I'm QUITE satisfied.

Next steps: 

Getting my apartment in order. (finding someone to take my place, packing, etc.)
Moving to Berlin
Getting a well paid job

finding the money to make this work is my next big accomplishment. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Progress

The latest update...I got accepted at University Viadrina in Frankfurt Oder...but I don't think that is going to be a feasible option. Oh well...here is the latest email from Humboldt University:

Hi Gian,

 

Yes, good news, the first letters will go out next week. Twenty students will be notified in the first intake, and after some time, depending on the response of the original 20 people, a second group will be notified.

 

I was told that it is not possible for the admissions office to send me a list of admitted applicants. I don't really understand why, but I was told it's just simply too difficult to do for every program. In any case, you should find out next week. If you listed your address in Germany as your corresponding address then they will send you a letter in the mail, so I guess it could take until the following week until you receive it. Those who listed their address abroad will receive confirmation by email.

 

Best, 

XXXX

SO. This means that hopefully I'll receive some sort of confirmation next week. It would be good to know things...ya know, LAST MONTH. But, it's cool. My only issue is letting my landlord know. I told him I would schedule a meeting with him and my replacement (who, unfortunately, backed out on me) so there's that. Other than the all-consuming thoughts of WHAT IS MY FUTURE GOING TO LOOK LIKE? I've been workin, hanging with my people (gays <3) and contemplating getting a haircut/dying my hair silver. I'm also slightly sick and hoping that it gets better tomorrow. Ideal day Monday, the 18th: I receive my email, I'm healthy, I sleep in, work out and relax a bit. Sounds good.

WHAT. DOES. THIS. EVEN. MEAN?!

Dear Gian,

This is not a letter of acceptance. However, your application has undergone an initial administrative check, and was reviewed favorably by the Global Studies professors. It must undergo a final administrative selection, but there is a high probability that you will be accepted. Unfortunately official confirmation could take until sometime in March. I understand it will be challenging to move to Berlin in such short notice. If I can answer any questions for you please do not hesitate to ask.

Best Regards,
 XXXXXXX


And here I was thinking that the middle of February (though already too late) was going to be the last of my uncertainty, at least in regards to this aspect of my life. This leaves soooo many problems open I don't know where to begin. Plan: I'm going to call him ASAP and ask questions. Lots of questions.

1. Am I the only person this affects? How do other people decide on what they're going to do...?
2. Is there ANY way to get a decision sooner? Who can I call?
3. What sort of high probability are we talking here? 75% 99%?
4. COULD take until march? When in march? The semester starts April 8th, you know...


I have to decide on this now because not only does this affect my emotional well being, it's going to have a negative effect on my finances (ugh, priorities). I need to give my landlord 90 days notice (it is currently 51 days until i need to move out) Tell my three employers that I'm leaving, pay the University my tuition fees for a degree I MIGHT not be doing (admittedly low what with Germany and government subsidized tuition and all)  and figure out where I'm going to live in Berlin. Also how to pay the ridiculous costs of this program while, ya know, living and eating and stuff.

Alright. GAME ON.

I'll make it work. It's what I do.

What do you want?

I want to see the world.

I want to go to berlin and get a great degree and help people to do what I have done.

I want to meet people and live in different countries and learn languages and facilitate understanding.

Someone asked me what I want. And, more than anything, those answers came spilling from my mouth. I know exactly what I want. I want to do those things and really self-actualize. I also know what I don't want. You know what's not important to me? Money. Prestige. How clean the city in which I live is. Pension Plan. Insurance. 401K.

I'm young.

That being said, I can do everything that I want in Heidelberg. There is nothing stopping me, really....The situation is currently that three things need to happen:

1. Zulassung. I need to actually get accepted to the program. Which should happen because of all of the positive feedback I got from the program's coordinator. But, I've been assured such things before, only to be denied. We'll have to see.

2. I need to be able to leave my apartment in April. While technically shorter than the 90 days stated in my lease, I would let my landlord know in the middle of February. I called him and told him (in non-stuttery, pretty much perfect german that surprised even me) that I would also see to it that we find someone to replace me. I think I convinced him but he might have just said 'let me know in February' to get me off the phone.

3. I need to NOT get this job working for Junior Year Abroad in Heidelberg. It's basically the grown-up version of the job that I have now for the California State University program. It would mean that I would quit working as an English teacher and only work in the field in which I want to end up. Which would be awesome and life-affirming and all but it may very well happen. Which means I go to Berlin...I'm writing the director (and my potenatial boss) this afternoon...


So. Basically all that needs to fall into place. Plus money. Plus conquering the (admittedly dwindling) fear of not having a safe home base.

It's okay. I know what I want. 

Everywhere

As I was wandering through Heidelberg on my way to work, this thought struck me:


WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

I could be out seeing the world! And so, the decision has been made. I think, if the universe will allow it (and it will, I'll make it) that I'm going to pursue the Global Studies degree. I went to Berlin to speak with the coordinator of the program  who told me that my application looks strong and that he "hope[s] to get back to me (with good news) by mid February."  So that is that. I will do this. Completely uproot my life and move across the country and then across the world. Sounds a bit familiar, actually. I know I can do this. I just need the chance.