Winding down

Only one more final and then I'm completely done for the semester. It's a good feeling but of course I'm still restless. Now it just means that I have other stressful things to focus on...like next semester. Orchestration anyone? Yeah...that'll be useful in future...I need to figure that out because it has a lot to do with whether or not I'm in Orchestra next semester or take lessons or....feel sane about anything. The DAAD scholarship deadline is in a couple of months and I just got my first bit of feedback (read: judgment to my face) about my project proposal. It never ends, does it? I'm winding down before I wind back up....

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm almost there!

Less than a month until Europe, my rides home and back for Christmas squared away. My final paper and presentation almost done...

All I have to do is survive. I'm pretty sure I'll pass all of my classes and do everything that needs to be done tomorrow. This weekend was pretty okay. I forgot that I had to work even though I had a concert both nights I was scheduled (which didn't make my supervisor very happy) and today I worked on my term paper that's due tomorrow. I'm a little worried for my final because I started studying this weekend but I did the same thing for the midterm and got an A. Oh well, getting on by...

I'm glad that I'm in this somewhat okay place because, while I could be a lot happier, I could also be a lot less happy.

A Skosh Miffed

So, things seem to be like they're falling into place. I have the lessons thing roughly figure out (I think), I can see light at the end of the tunnel in terms of school. Everything is eeeeeaasing on down the road. But, of course I can't do anything without being a little bit dramatic or overcomplicated, right? Right, that just wouldn't be me...

So there was this guy from back home that I wasn't really romantically involved with just kind of had a little something unresolved. Just like I kinda liked him and he kinda liked me back. Cool? Cool. So, I talked to him about it and referenced that feeling which to be honest, I hadn't felt in a while and basically he was like "Nope". Which is cool, I guess. I reacted pretty much how I always do when faced with rejection and proceeded to take steps to cut him out of my life. Super healthy, I know. Welp, whatever. He wasn't that cute and I wasn't that into him but still. It's not a great feeling to feel even though by now I should probably be used to it.. Baggaaaggeee.....

And another thing that pissed me off (Because this is a blog and that's what blogs are for...Dammit) is no sooner than I signed out of the chat window with him I get an email from my super imposing Foreign classmate about our project in Germany. Okay, so homegirl is from Europe and already speaks the damn language. We spent about an hour working on Googledocs (and by we I mean I did while she suggest lofty, complicated ideas) and then I had to leave to work on another project that matters FAR more than this one. Because we're basically going to get an automatic A on this presentation, I'm not working too hard on it even though i'm clearly the only one working. BUT then she sends me an email telling me to print out copies of a clearly revised version of our project which is fine because at least we have something to do....but really? really now? I could have used that hour...

So I have these minor frustrations but that's all they are. minor frustrations.

I don't

fucking know.

want to do that.

have the capacity.

think I'm going to make it through the end of the semester without a few problems. Three weeks of hell are coming up and then I'm done. done. done. Lessons? What am I going to do about that? I don't have anything prepared for my juries and even thinking about it stresses me out. It would be great if we could just pretend it never happened, like I wish it did. I wish I had known how this would all have turned out because I never would have signed up for any of it. Papers, papers, papers. I'm never going to grad school because I can't actually write. I don't think I've ever written a paper that accurately represents my knowledge on a given subject in my life. What I have done, is demonstrated my ability to bullshit and procrastinate. This isn't working.

42 days.

Compounded

I seem to be a magnet for negativity. What is that? When did that happen?

I'm sitting here, house sitting in a swanky Bernal Heights apartment, not doing anything. I have a test tomorrow and everything is due. Ever. The dog here reminds of my childhood pet, Zoe, whose death I was informed of yesterday. May She Rest In Peace.

I'm eating all of their food because they said I could and I lost my food stamp card when my wallet got stolen. And thinking about anything financial makes my stomach hurt.

at least I have Europe to look forward to. 44 Days.

Not alone

So I'm thankful on this day commemorating genocide and imperialism. I'm thankful for a lot of things: the fact that I have friends and a life and good things going for me. I'm not alone in this, which is comforting and a fact of which I must constantly remind myself.

Second Date?

it's difficult enough getting a first date. You'd think once that happened it would be some indicator that, hey, I might like to see you again. Or something. Yesterday I managed to go on the third date I'd gone on this whole year...and it went really well. Funny how I'm sitting here eating chocolate sorbet and watching anime online right now. hahaha.

It would be one thing if I could sense awkwardness or an unwillingness to repeat the experience. If anything, I felt he was more into it than I was. Assuring me multiple times that he'd call today. But again: Nope. He thought I was really attractive but apparently not worth seeing again. I'm not sure I agree with the first but I know the second is just plain wrong.

Friends

Things that friends do:

Care. Or at least if they don't care, pretend to.

Tell you that your feelings are valid and that you're not crazy....even if they think you are.

I've had a particularly upsetting conversation in the past. I lost my wallet and I come home after being wet and uncomfortable to my large and empty bed. I just felt alone and isolated and unhappy. I've felt that feeling before and it's one I can deal with so, I figured I would go to sleep and wake up and feel better in the morning. Well a friend messaged me on facebook and after I told him what I was feeling and how I was feeling tied into more systematic issues in my life he completely dismissed me.

Me: I lost my wallet and the isolation that I feel relates to certain authority figures in my life always relating me to a negative state of being. The "darkness" that I feel right now is completely warranted because sometimes life is unfortunate and I wish that it weren't the case but I really do feel like this one instance is a symbol for other things that I'm trying not to let spill into various aspects of my life.

Him: I don't want to talk about it. G'night.

Okay. Great. So I'm crazy. Cool.

Loser

I hate feeling dumb. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate feeling unintelligent. Story of my life right now. I'm trying my best not to do things that make me feel like I'm not good enough because I am. Dammit.

So tonight was the Harvest Concert that actually went really, really well. I played trumpet for Women's Chorus, Sang with the Chamber Singers and debuted with Vocal Point, a small ensemble that I started. It was a really good concert. And then I get to my door and realize that I've lost my wallet. Great. With my keys, cards, checks and the key to the Associate Dean's house (because I'm house sitting for him). Awesome.

And I was trying to explain how all of this translates into my life and all the general "darkness" as it were to my friend online. And he says he doesn't want to respond and signs off, making me feel as though my feelings aren't valid and that I'm crazy. Which isn't an unfamiliar feeling but it's also not one that I enjoy having. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like a loser. or alone. or that I can't be a legitimate person for a given stretch of time.

Studious

Might as well. It's not that hard. Just do it.

attitudes that I've never quite really had or even understood. Hmmm...kind of a problem. Especially when I'm so close to getting a degree in which I have put a lot of work. I once read a blog post by someone who said that she walked out on a lease in her apartment when she had 2 weeks left. I didn't really understand it at the time but then, as the end of my undergraduate career at SF state gets closer, I can see where she's coming from. I might need a break. Or just to give up. Or something. Not really sure at this point. So many conflicting ideas, mindsets, classes for next semester. I just want to be done with it all. Of course I care about my future. Money is important but it's not everything. And it's certainly not important enough for this.

Shot

Kaput. Just done. To' up.

A feeling that is oddly similar to having blown your lips out when playing trumpet. Right now, I feel as though I can't do anything. I have no motivation to do things that aren't fun or immediately rewarding. This is frightening to me, as school is not yet over. Unfortunately. It really is like playing with an overtired embouchure. I feel fine when I'm not trying to do anything. Nothing really hurts or anything. But the second I get ready to do anything interesting or difficult, nothing. No sound. No music. Nothing. Just blahhhhhhhh...

My love is too

Try it out. Say "My love is too... to have thrown back in my face" and fill in your own blanks

My love is too beautiful.

or simply

My love is too much to have thrown back in my face

Ntozake Shange. The name had always been sort of in the periphery of my life...i'd heard of her. I'd liked the artwork that accompanied her poems. Read a few of them and liked them but I never got too into it. Tonight, I went to go see a film adaptation of "For Colored Girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf". It was very, very good. So much that the messages in it resonated with my life. I identified very much with Orange. There is a root for all behavior and you have to find it and pluck it. Or let it grow, I guess. There are so many beautiful quotes that I can't even fully recall. I feel something revolutionary on the horizon.

Day of Birth

I've been on this planet for 21 years. That's kind of a big deal, right?

It's nice to receive so many messages from people wishing me a happy birthday.

Tonight, I'm going out with my friends to places I was previously prohibited from. Today

was a good, good day and tonight will be awesome.

Happiness, Positivity, Optimism.

My favorite Emotion

It seems that I say the words "It's frustrating" a lot. It's like my catchphrase. Here I am, woken up way too early for this school day filled with things I don't want to do and people I don't want to deal with. In the past few days I've been frustrated by my life, being required to do things, my back/neck hurting, a member of the Five, dealing with my own inadequacy. The thing is...I just DON'T want to do any of it, though.

There's another feeling I'm familiar with.

The Five

The Mighty Five. A group of Russian Composers and a symbolic representation of me and my group of close friends at SF state. I'm Cesar Cui, obvi. I mean just listen to the name: Cuuiiiiiii

anyways, they were upset after reading my blog that I never referenced them in my blog so here they are. In all of their Russian Neo-Romantic Glory. Mily Balkirev, Modest Moussorgsky, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Alexander Borodin and of course Cesar Cui. We're like a disfunctional little family. Super disfunctional. But, I love them and that's that.

The Sun

I wish it was back. Light, warmth, photosynthesis....provider of good things. It seems like it's always raining now. I have a lot longer to go before it starts being warm again.

I made my Rufio costume for Halloween. It's going to be AWESOME. I'm pretty excited except for the fact that it's most likely going to rain on Friday. Oh well, story of my life.

I'd like for it to be bright tomorrow.

I want

my neck to stop hurting

it to stop raining

to work out

abs

the semester to be over

to learn how to play ukulele better

a boyfriend

to go on a vacation

and to never come back. Ever.

that's pretty much it. Don't give a fuck. Essays, Essays, Essays.

I hate everything. even puppies. Waahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Pretending to care

It's hard. Music is hard. Everything is hard. This is something I apparently have to learn.

Orchestra dress rehearsal and performance tomorrow. This whole "good attitude" thing is fleeting beyond my reach. I wonder what it's like for those people? Where does the motivation come from....

I think about this a lot. I've been exposed to a lot of positive examples of people who are good players, good at life, good people. I really can't be driven to anything after I see examples of people who make the best out of a good situation. Good for them, those good people.

So, how can I make myself care? That's the question of the year. It's not coming from within, obviously. And even people who work hard; who have transcended the general trend can't make it better for me. I have to do it for myself but I don't know how....

Thoughts

they are what keep me awake at the moment. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day....

I have to meet with my music advisor. I hope that goes well...he's probably the only person at San Francisco State that intimidates me.

so I can't sleep by myself let alone with another person. I found myself thinking today that I am lonely but not alone. Weird. I thought I'd moved past all that.

It rained today...gosh, I hate being wet.

I feel really good about the fact that I've been working out a lot lately.

I am going to stress eat so much food tomorrow. Better pack a healthy lunch.

My bag broke on Saturday. You know what I want? One of those vintage leather briefcase backpacks. That would be really cool.

I haven't talked to mein Freund in a while...I wonder what he's up to?

Ugh. I hope next semester works out. Too many classes that I have to take and only 3 that I want to take.

If there was a way to turn off thinking with a switch, I could be so productive. Too bad that committee meeting in my head meets at a circular table with no beginning and no end.

fun with people

So, just got back from a party where interesting things happened. It was for a friendly acquaintance's birthday. I thought it was awesome that I get to socialize with people on a fairly friendly basis. Even managed to flirt with a boy! Amazing stuff really...social lives are good to have, right?

I had a lesson this morning that wasn't terrible. I haven't practiced at all but that's not the point. My main thing is that I've reached a point where I feel like I can explain myself and be understood. Which is good because I need as much help as I can get in how I'm trying to tailor my experience at San Francisco State. And I guess, life in general. I wish I could be positive and mask all of my negative emotions to be more productive and professional. I guess my thoughts are often times so loud that I feel like other people have to hear them, too. I'm not so good with the whole attitude thing...

It's something I should probably work on but I'm just so sick of jumping through hoops and pleasing other people. High School is over. I pay to attend this institution and would like to collaborate, not conflict or submit.

Fear of failure

more like...discomfort with failure. Dislike or even Hatred of failure. I'm failurephobic, if you will. Not just my own but, other peoples' as well. That's probably why I dislike being in orchestra so much. It makes me uncomfortable to be around that much mediocrity.

I had a meeting with a psychological counselor a couple of weeks ago and she told me that how I'm relating to music is a lot like someone who is in a relationship that breaks up with their significant other before they can hurt them. To which I respond "yeah.....so what's the problem with that?" Weird but I'm pretty sure there are worse things than never finding out if something is going to go one way or the other.

Dios Diez Deus

Today is October 10, 2010. 10-10-10. I'm back home in San Luis Obispo and of course there are certain things that come with that: Eating too much,, a disproportionate amount of white people and of course a subtle feeling of unrest even though I am relaxed for the most part. Because of a particularly religious episode of Glee, I was thinking a lot about faith today. Mostly objective thoughts, except for this man who kept PUSHING Jesus Christ on my little brother while we were out getting Fro-yo today. Gah. Way to ruin my indulgence there, buddy. Obtrusive and rude.

Still, maybe it's a message? I came down here to get my head straight. One would think that I could have received a message from whoever it is while in San Francisco...i mean, I did spend months playing for a church...but anyways the Lord works in mysterious ways or something. Whatever.

with an emphasis in Intercultural Communications

That's what's going to happen. I'm going to graduate with a degree in Communications with an emphasis in Intercultural Comm. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? The most important thing is that I

a. went to an advisor

b. received advising about my degree

c. now feel that I can accomplish my degree with relative ease in a reasonable amount of time

Wow. Take THAT School of Music and Dance. The goat rodeo which I am subjected to every day was just surpassed by the amazing professor for whom I'll be a teacher's assistant next semester before I study abroad in Germany next fall. Exciting stuff.

Proactive.

Super stressed about the way the Orchestra situation is going to play out. So, how do I react? Escapism. Or Study Abroad...whichever you like to call it. I've been abusing my work privileges of computer + printer and coordinating letters of recommendation all day (all the while careful to avoid the orchestra director/my advisor...I'll make it work...) Tomorrow I have a meeting with a study abroad advisor and my advisor for my other major. I came home after not practicing and immediately got some shit into order. It gives me a sense of calm in all kindsa chaos, I guess. I've realized that I have this ability for making the best out of bad situations...whether or not the bad situations are because of me. I think I excel at this ability to a fault.

Can I have a do-over?

I'm not entirely sure any decision I've made recently is a good one. The fact that people still believe me to be capable of being an adult in real life is literally astonishing to me. The general discomfort I'd had with my life has now been replaced by self doubt. Also impatience. Things that are good right now: Pewter Doc Martens, Ear gauges, last month of being twenty years old, Halloween is coming, I love my friends. Things that are bad right now: Orchestra...and school in General. This whole re-shifting my identity away from being a trumpet player is proving to be easier than I thought it would be in some ways. Harder in others but overall...I think I feel good?

I'd like to go to sleep and wake up on Friday which is when I get to go home.

Plans

I'm graduating next year. I'll have either two degrees or one when I'm finished completely. Also, I may or may not study abroad my final year. As it stands, I'll be done with my Bachelor of Music (except my senior recital) after this spring. And I'll have either one or two classes left for my Bachelor of Arts in Comm. Studies. Now, I can either switch to a BA and not do a senior recital and write a paper and be completely finished with Music next semester or I can just give up working on that degree entirely and focus on Communications. The way I feel about it right now is that I know I'm not capable of being a professional musician so there is no point in getting a degree that wouldn't matter in that field anyways. It would be a shame to throw away all of this work but I think I'm just done. One thing about being a music major (I'm not sure that I don't entirely regret it) is now I'm pretty sure I can do anything. I failed at the hardest thing but everything else sort of pales in comparison. Moving to a foreign country, becoming fluent in the language, finishing my other degree and possibly looking into staying in that country for the rest of my life sounds like an easy feat compared to some things that I've attempted. All I know is that I have options.

Stress Reduction

This weekend was the first weekend I've monitored the practice rooms since I've decided to take a break from playing the trumpet. I'm going to be honest: it was great. I had to work both days but even so, I noticed my general level of anxiety has gone way down. I'm a little worried as to how I'm going to handle my lesson situation, orchestra, blahblahblah....but the worry I feel is nowhere near as intense as it would be if I were still playing. I feel....powerful. Strange but it's true.

Today, I went to the Haight district after work. I tried on a pair of Doc Marten's 1460 boots at Villians and had them order me a pair of the color that I want. The fact that I kind of can't afford them is something I'll address later...haha.

All in all, it was a pleasant weekend. Something I'd like to repeat in the future.

Disappointment is boring

So, I'm sick of doing this. The definition of insanity: Doing something the same way each time and expecting a different result. Something happens, I get upset (as I have every right to) I try again and try harder and then the next disappointment happens. I'm kind of over the cycle of not being good enough.

In the immortal words of a girl I was waiting in line for food stamps with:

"I am too young, I am too cute, I have too much goin on for all this"

Word.

I am too smart to be wasting my time with an activity where my intelligence, my analytical nature, is actually detrimental to my progress.

I know

I know, I know, I know.

How many times have I said that "I know something is going to happen" and it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy? I guess I'm just good at that sort of thing. Now, if only I can use my powers for good instead of evil.

I know I can rock my audition tomorrow.

I know I'm worth being happy.

I know a positive attitude might not be all that i need but, a negative attitude seriously gets in the way.

I had an interesting weekend. Friends, Party, Comedy show. T'was all interesting. I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. But, it's okay. I also went to the gym today. Good stuff.

Nobody in the world

is better than me.

a line from one of my favorite movies. Also, something I have to remember. My grandmother (who impromptu visited me a couple days ago) was quick to remind me. It's nice to have people who let me know that I'm good enough especially when almost everyone else, including me, seems to disagree.

went to go see Mahler 5. Mark Inouye is such an amazing trumpet player...I wonder what it's like to have the job? Does it all get easier? How do I get there? Nobody knows...or at least nobody has an answer that works for me.

Still not sure if the whole "music school" thing is working out for me. I keep in mind that I'm smart and good at a lot of different things but, right now I might as well keep trying. But, maybe "might as well" isn't the attitude to have. It seems that so many people have more passion and drive than I do. "Might as well" probably isn't going to get me into grad school.

This is just your weekly existential crisis. I do know, however, that it's all going to be fine whether or not music is in the picture.

I could easily walk away from this

It's just that I wouldn't know what else to do.

Music. Blahblahblah. Money. Blahblahblah. Super dramatic.

I don't really know how else to be. Even if I did, I probably couldn't change who I am, anyways.

If I knew how to change, I probably would.

Anxiety over

School. Money. Studying music.

Things that for some reason I think are necessary in my life at the moment.

I just want to move to Europe and never do anything again ever. But that would prove to have its own difficulties...

I've been legitimately considering it, though. www.daad.de and www.goabroad.com

look into them if you're into escapism like me.

Tomorrow is my orchestra audition. Tomorrow is also probably going to be rife with headaches. The two are almost entirely unrelated but my reaction to both of them will be: Dress well and do my best.

And eat, obviously.

Goat. Rodeo.

San Francisco State University.

I attend school here and am expecting to get a Bachelor's of Music in Trumpet Performance and a Bachelor of Arts in Communications Studies. I work hard, taking more than 19 units every semester since fall semester sophomore year. I am planning on graduating in 3 semesters, which means only one extra semester outside of the "standard" four years. I will have something like 200 units when that happens because one of my degree programs is the biggest that the CSU system has to offer.

I initially thought that this semester was going to be better than the last one. I'm taking a German course (although I don't know which one...101 or 206? I'd rather be bored than overwhelmed...I think) I'm going to be more focused in my lessons, I'm going to have a job working in the box office selling tickets for the Creative Arts, I'm going to get food stamps (whoo free food) I'm not going to be in Wind Ensemble (because eff that) AND I'm not going to have to take Classical and Romantic history with the bat-shit crazy professor from last fall. Okay. Sweet.

Or so I thought.

I e-mailed the chair of our department (you know, the authoritative person who makes decisions and knows shit, right?) if it was okay that I take Music 520 Bach and Handel instead of Classical and Romantic History because I was one of the people involved in a litigation against the aforementioned bat-shit crazy teacher of this course. Also, I didn't register for this course and didn't study over the summer for the course because a. NO. and b. Teachers shouldn't require reading over the summer. This, I feel, is a perfectly legitimate request as I should have options fulfilling requirements. I spoke with my advisor, who deferred to the chair who said yes. Whose answer I have IN WRITING.

Me: Can I take Mus 520 Bach and Handel in exchange for Mus 551 Classical and Romantic.

Her: Yes.

Should have been a done deal. But, no. Apparently, the dean of the history department (who coincidentally has nothing to do with signing and/or approving my graduation papers) throws a hissy fit about this and they have a meeting where it's established that this may or may not be acceptable. Despite the fact that the teacher of the substitute class I want to take was only rehired specifically for teaching people who can't take Mus 551. But that issue aside, the fact that the bat-shit crazy teacher is allowed to teach when there is on-going litigation against him is disappointing. I shouldn't have to feel so negatively about my school. Because basically I'm at the point where I'm thinking I have to cheat the school out of whatever I can before the school screws me over. Great.

All this on top of bureaucratic battles over food-stamps, bank statements, financial aid, worrying about my German class, studio drama, no more free time.

I hope this semester gets better.

So much win

So, yesterday I went out clothes shopping with a good friend of mine. I felt somewhat guilty about spending money but I rationalized by remembering that I got paid $150 dollars to house sit...so I can afford it. Also, I haven't gotten any new clothes in well over a year and my pants are all frayed and sad-looking. So, with that being said, H&M received a lengthy visit from me. After we went shopping, we decided to go to the food court in the mall despite the fact that the food there is usually expensive and not that good. We were hovering outside a ramen place that seemed to be closed but had a bunch of people milling about inside. As we were about to leave, a small man came up to us and explained that they were opening up the next day but were having a free test run and if we wanted to, we could come in and eat a meal for free. FREE. FUCKING. RAMEN. My friend and I looked at each other in disbelief...we ordered what we wanted and each got a boba as well. Afterwards, I got a slush for the road and we kind of sat there in disbelief waiting for someone to come up and say "Just kidding! $30 dollars, please" but it never happened. The raging fat kid inside of me was temporarily satisfied by seafood ramen and it was AWESOME.

Back to Normal

Or something like that...

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel like myself unless I have a long list of tasks to complete by the end of the day. Long term and short term goals seem to be what sustains me at the moment. I went to the gym today for the first time in a very long time. Practiced for 3 hours and feel relatively good about it. I've gotten back into studying German again. For so long I was just sitting at home, either too sick or too lazy to actually do anything. Now, I'm getting the hang of it again. It's good to be productive, I guess.

If not one thing, another

Always.

My stomach hurts. Interestingly, when I get nauseous I also feel a little hungry. I eat something and the nausea goes away... hm. But really now, tomorrow (or today, rather) was supposed to be the day that I start up again. Practicing, German studying, blah blah blah. Being a real person and everything. My throat doesn't hurt much anymore. Okay. So now, it's my stomach. Great. It hurt so bad last night that I couldn't get to sleep. I've been up since morning yesterday...

I suppose I'll stay away until tonight and just sleep a lot before Tuesday. It's really unfair, I think. I don't even know what's making me sick but it keeps switching to different parts of my body.

Another thing that's frustrating right now is that I would like to move out of my apartment. I've even found a place that is $15 a month more expensive but ultimately better for my sanity. Except for the fact that it's kind of on a sloping incline and twice as far away from school as my current apartment. Which isn't saying much but, I've grown accustomed to flopping out of bed each morning for my 8am classes (which of course I have every day this semester except friday) Another reason I stayed up is because I've been mulling over the pros that aren't that great and the cons that aren't that bad. I think I might just have cabin fever because I've been in my house constantly lately. My roommate situation isn't ideal but I think this might be soon remedied by the fact that I'll be at school 8am to 10pm during the week and 12 to 5 during the weekends....So what should I do? Contemplate my choices and always think about what could have been, I guess.

I just want

to be NOT SICK for an extended period of time

to practice (and get better)

to eat a lot of food

to go home and not deal with my apartment right now

to see mein Freund

to hang out with all my friends

as well as a lot of other things. Maybe I should clean my room, too. In my current stage of immobility, it has become disgusting. No cleaning, no studying, just lazing about. And not even the good kind either. I hope my tonsils don't need to be taken out...

Aches and Pains

Seriously. BODY! What the fuck?? first it was my back....then it was my stomach and now it's my throat. Can you just chill the fuck out and work like you're supposed to? Rage and anger....

The most upsetting thing is that I actually WANT to practice today but I can't when the mechanism that usually produces a vibrating column of air produces a vibrating column of ow.

Blehhhh

So, now I guess I'll just study German. I've decided that instead of taking German 101 Basic German, I'm going to take German 206 Intermediate Conversation. I think I can do it...I have the book for 101 and 102, the prerequisites for this class, and I know a guy who's going to be in it that didn't take 102...yes, I'm capable of this. Next semester will be difficult, I think but not in an impossible way.

Anyways, I want mango sorbet....yummmm

House sitting!

So, I've been house sitting in Bernal Heights. It's kind of awesome. Big house, no roommates, cute dog, huge computer. 'Tis nice.

I went out with the Blue eyed boy last night dancing. It was a lot of fun. I got asked to walk in a fashion show! Pretty exciting

This morning I tried to go get food stamps, which is something I've been trying (and failing) to do for the past month. In my defense I have to wake up really, really early to get to the place on time...and we all know that's kind of not my thing. One more try, I think.

Yep, Summer, summer, summer

I registered for classes next semester. Taking 2 Comm. classes and the rest of my music courses. Also, I can't decide if I should try to switch into German 206...the prerequisite classes are 2 semesters of German but, I have been studying pretty hard. I'm good at learning languages, I know I can do it. But do I want to? Hmmm....

I have one month until school starts. Until then I want to:

Start going back to the gym (no but really)

Study German err' day

Practice and practice well

Get my EBT card

Maybe go clothes shopping? I haven't in more than a year

Yep, that's that.

In San Francisco for the moment

Now that I'm done with summer programs and running around, I'm probably just going to exist in San Francisco for a bit. That's probably okay with me.

Went to see the symphony play music by Mexican composers in celebration of the bicentennial anniversary of Mexican independence.

Hung out with a friend and did all that jazz. I would like to start being social again now that I'm back in the city. I think it's going to happen...We only have a month left until the semester starts...

The Art of Sound

Summer Brass Institute. It lasted 10 days. Some really good players (a lot better than I am) Some really intense music (that I tried my best to play well) and an overall positive experience, I think. I had a lesson with Mark Inouye, the principal trumpet of the San Francisco Symphony, and David Burkhart. They both teach at the Conservatory, where I want to go to graduate school. The lesson with Mark was less than spectacular (because of me, of course) but the lesson with Dave was really good. I have new focus now, I think. Figuratively and literally: I'm blowing into my mouthpiece in an entirely different way....haha.

I met some amazing people and confirmed my suspicion that, yes, brass musicians are all awkward people. Lovably so, of course. There were so many people there wearing cargo pants, polos and running shorts. So much privilege and opportunity. The facility was on a high school campus that costs literally 8 times as much to attend as my university. Crazy...

If I hadn't had to commute every day, I think I could have gotten a lot more out of it. Oh well, next year I know what I'm going to do.

I have yet to form an opinion

still at the Summer Brass Institute. Which is so far going well...I think. I am waiting to form an opinion of it lest that opinion flavor the rest of my week here. I think this is a safe bet...

Being here reminds me that I'm not that good at playing trumpet

I can feel myself getting better because of it, though. Double-edged sword, I guess. These people are my competition. I hate that...

So, yeah. Fun music. Being challenged by my quintet and actually working with legit talented people. All good things, I guess.

New things

Learning German. Actually being okay with my body. New edition of my Journal. Applying for a Passport. Summer Brass Institute. Thinking of moving out of my apartment.

but then the old things:

Being happy, sad, okay, sad, okay, sad. Going to the gym every day. Practicing trumpet and feeling like I'm not good enough/getting better. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing.

yep, yep. Being productive staves off the blahs. I'm okay.

Reasons why Today was awesome:

1. I looked at my bank account and thought "FUCK. I don't have enough money to pay rent and tuition. Some unpleasant decisions are going to be made..." And then I went to school to ask around about summer work and I discovered that I had not one but FOUR uncashed checks waiting for me. Sweet.

2. Some person donated all of his trumpet books to SFSU. I noticed this huge stack of boxes that contained music boxes just waiting outside of the music library. Asked the guy in charge if I could inspect them. He told me I could look through them which was pretty awesome.

3. I went to Sushi AND Frozen Yogurt with amazing people that remind me why I still interact with human beings from time to time.

Why can't more days be like this?

An Amazing Weekend

Bittersweet but mostly awesome.

Pink Saturday (despite being the site of deplorable violence) was a lot of fun. Hung out with a very cute German boy whom I met last week. Er war sehr schön und nett and I'm going to miss him, I think. What is with the whole "Hey, I like you" "That's cool, I'm moving to Europe. K byeeeee" thing? Clearly I must go there. Oh wait, I am. This winter, I've decided in addition to going to Spain, I'm also going to Dresden to visit my new friend.

This weekend was also the first time I ever woke up early enough to watch the parade. It was pretty interesting, glitter and all. I think I'd like to dance on a float in the future.

Yep.

Learning

just because someone is handsome and smart and nice to me sometimes is no reason to become infatuated with them. I think it should go without saying but, I'm young and bad at dealing with these insipid feelings. Back to basics:

pretty eyes do not a good person make

no matter what either of us say, it's very possible that I WILL get hurt

wanting something doesnt mean i'm going to get it, even if i ask politely

I'm not as good at communicating as i'd like to be.

Boys are stupid


But it's actually no big deal. I suppose the next time it happens will be even easier.
When someone tells me that I'm not worth it to them it's based on preconceived notions that they have. Nothing to do with me, really.

Im growing up.

Autopilot

I'd like to not live this life. Sure, my body can keep going and do whatever it wants but my mind is elsewhere. This week is difficult. I know it's probably a phase that i'm going through so, I think my best bet is to continue on as if nothing is wrong in the hopes that I won't do (or not do, actually) something that I regret. If I gave up practicing now and still somehow decided to go to the Summer Brass Institute, that would be a bad idea. If I stopped exercising and ate cookies all day, that would be a bad idea. If I didn't speak to anyone at all this week and next week wanted to hang out, that would be a bad idea. As appealing as all of those things sound right now, i'm not entirely sure it's what I want to do. Then again, who's to say what I want? Certainly not me. The only thing I do know that I want right now is to stop feeling this way. Yep, that would be nice.

It didn't destroy me

Surprisingly. I'm still here.

Terrible Summer program. Terrible. My quintet was bad. I was unprofessional. I have no idea how to explain what happened. Spent the last two days with my head up my ass being rude and uncommunicative to people that were supposed to be my friends and people that were only trying to help me out. What's wrong with me? I understand that people have high periods and low periods but I'm not sure how to handle mine. Except by trying to make everyone else around me feel the same...Great.

Spent tonight eating delicious Indian food. Which, of course, makes everything momentarily better. There's still the issue, though:

I am not a good trumpet player.

I only enjoy doing something if I'm already good at it.

Since I'm not good at this, I only want to work at it if I can become good at it.

This means that I have to start playing "The Comparison Game" which I hate doing because everyone loses.

So, that's that. Also, the seminar introduced a surprising emotional interplay with another participant which I hadn't planned on happening. T'was weird and I don't really know how to interpret what was going on. Bromance is tough...

Also, my love life didn't go on hold while I went to San Luis Obispo. A rather unfortunate series of events resulted in some terrible mis-communications that I'm still feeling the repercussions of. Surprisingly when I went to talk to the person involved I received some questionable (hurtful?) information. It was weird because the expression on his face, the events in my life, where I am right now, it all should have hurt. A lot.

But the thing is, I don't. Is it weird that the painkillers I'm on for a staph infection that I have hurt my stomach? I might be emotionally drained enough to the point where I can't focus any more on physical or emotional detractors.

I'd like it if I was here no longer.

My third Summer!

So many things are happening! I'm really enjoying not having to worry about stuff. This summer I've been hanging out with friends and pretty much relaxing. I think I might take a few more days off before going back to the grind.

Bay to Breakers was fun. I was the white cloud in a rainbow of red (pink?) orange yellow green blue and purple

I've been trying not to think so much about the future and other things that are usually so easy to focus on. So far I guess it's working.

Also, I've been going to the gym! 3 daysss haha

What am I doing?

Oh, right. School. Finals. Studying. Practicing. Got it.

Except, am I? There's a little bit of gray area...

I've been studying and/or hanging out with friends every day. When I touch my instrument, it's usually to rehearse, do some long tones, sigh audibly and then put it back in its case. I definitely have a (unnecessary) jury in 2 days on rep that I kind of know. I'm not entirely sure what's going on in my life other than that.

Thinking, Thinking, thinking....

Yep, it's exhausting being on the brink of Summer. On the brink of a lot of things I guess. I'd like to know what's going to happen. But, that's not how we play this game, is it? Oh well, I guess I'll be content for now and happy when I figure things out.

Last day of classes!

Goodbye Tonal Counterpoint!

Goodbye 20th Century History!

Goodbye Stressful Rehearsals, Expectations and Deadlines!

May the obtuse teachers and learning materials associated with you never darken the annals of my mind again. All I have to do is take the finals which are basically forms that I have to fill out to leave campus. I'm very much looking forward to summer. Hopefully, I will spend it with friends and loved ones and my instrument. One more week of school!

Just Be Happy.

Sound advice.


So, I'm not sure if this whole MUSIC and SCHOOL thing is working out for me. Perhaps I should go somewhere else. And do something else. The question is: what?

hmmm. Only 2 weeks left of classes. I have all the time in the world to figure things out.

Interesting Events

Things have been happening lately. Yes, events have occurred ...

Requiem/Chamber Singers concerts. Spending time with a красивый friend. Going to church and being very, very tired. Thinking a lot.

I only have 2 weeks left of school. My jury is literally one week from today. Finals, Finals, Finals. Also, Tonal Counterpoint? Maybe I should complete those assignments... All I have to do is pass all of my classes. I'm pretty sure I can do that.

as per his request

So, my friend Dolfo has a blog called in the key of D. This is what happens.

Dolfo

word

9:41pmMe

dude i'm following your blog

i opened it in a tab next to mine

in the key of d

next to the key of g

dominant tonic

YES I JUST WENT THERE

9:42pmDolfo

hahahaha

this short sequence on conversation, needs to go on your blog

Yep. that just happened.

Am I a Thinker or a Feeler?

it's an interesting question.

maybe I'm a Thinker. This blog is the introspective essence of that nature. I think about everything: what people think of me, school, money, my music, my future (how the two intertwine) and love.

hm. love? that's a feeling isn't it? Bleh.

So, I'm complicated. But most likely I think that my thoughts govern my actions.

I'm pretty sure it's a defense mechanism.

I saw this today. From the top of Corona heights park. It was actually quite glorious.

I get it life. It's not all sunshine and roses.

Most of the time.

I guess stuff like the above makes it okay? I guess...

Why am I so frustrated?

OH.

It's because everyone and everything is so frustrating. Got it.

I think it speaks to my inner-crazy control freak that I feel like nobody is behaving how I'd like them to. If it's too hard to be around me, that's okay. I'm not for everyone. Just leave me alone, thanks.

Where the Ho-hos?

Seriously.

Stress Eating.

Tour

Just got back from being on tour with the SF state Chamber Singers. It was a rather long trip that was kind of overstimulating. Everything was SING SING SING SING EAT SING SING SING GET ON THE BUS SING SING SING EAT SING. It was weird. I learned a lot about select members of the group (perhaps more than I wanted to) and didn't practice trumpet as much as I should have. Although, my recital was right before we left (good planning!) so I don't have rep that I need to be working on. We ended up in South Lake Tahoe, singing for a group of people about half as big as we are. At that point, I think we should have just gone home...but I don't know. I had fun at times. It was an interesting experience. Now I have to get back to the grind again. I'm going to the gym!

I LOVE EVERYTHING.

So i'm trying to be one of those people that is super stoked about life even though it has some questionable moments. If you know me at all, one of the multitude of my (somewhat obnoxious) catchphrases is "I hate everything. Even puppies". Under the helpful advice of the Goldin Universe website http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm (....don't judge me) I've decided to pretend until it actually happens....? I guess. Better than just continuing to pretend that everything sucks. It's probably more of a mix but I'm trying to be an all-or-nothing kind of guy.

I don't even know how to be here right now

San Francisco: Rainy and Unique

There's really no other place like it. Today I was awoken by my teacher calling me. At 9:30 am. On a Sunday. I was not coherent but what I managed to glean from him is that he wanted me to sub for him at a gig. I didn't know what it was but he told me to dress nice (in articles of clothing I don't own) and meet him at the Green Mortuary in North Beach. So, after a fiasco of Public transportation and retail merchandise, I show up slightly on time to see them playing a funeral procession at a wake. Wow, that's cool I guess. If only it wasn't raining...Anyways, we end up playing for about 4 hours, and I get a tip in a little red envelope. The whole thing was so surreal, wandering through china town playing brass band music...

That little red envelope. I happened on something profound, I guess, because of that envelope. This older trumpet player told me:

"Hey, I'll give you a dime for that envelope"

joking because the envelope presumably has something of higher value in it. To which I responded:

"Okay, it's just an envelope"

kind of joking that I would just hand him the envelope but keep what's inside. Which actually made me think:

Sometimes, we confuse the actual contents of the vessel for the vessel itself.

hmmmm. Me being a smartass has provided a nice metaphor for not taking things at face value. And how we are more than the sum of our parts. And things. Interesting....

Re-energized?

Why do I feel like Spring Break just sapped everything I have? I come back to San Francisco to find it raining. No groceries in my fridge because I don't have time to shop until tomorrow night. It might be the fact that our studio recital is a week from today and my junior recital is a week after that. So much work and I feel really drained. And assignments are already due. And..and...and...

: /

I've decided that I'd rather be Sleeping Beauty. I'd love to just fall asleep until Prince Charming came to rescue me. How sweet a deal would that be? Man, she was lucky. And if he never comes I'll just sleep and be beautiful. Things to aspire to be.

SLO

We're finally settled there. I feel good about it, I think.

The whole ordeal was (and is) a tad bit stressful but it's ultimately a positive move in the right direction.

The good things about SLO:

My mom and little brother have a place to live

It's close enough to walk to downtown

I'll be able to go home more often

When I go home, I'll have a place to stay

It's close to farmer's market

SLO is closer to San Francisco than Nipomo

My mom can finally focus on getting back on her feet

My little brother can start going to school

My little brother has a friend

My mom has a support system

and the list goes on, I think. It's a good thing. I'm glad I went home to help this transition.

Candidate T119

That's me. One out of 30 trumpet players. Almost all of the rest of whom were definitely out of school, definitely a lot older and experienced than me and definitely did not look happy to be there. I'm pretty sure I was the only one who smiled when the attendant called my name. The atmosphere was quite strange. Nobody seemed to be enjoying the fact that one of the 30 of us could win a really cool job. It was all very tense.

Anyways, I didn't advance but the woman was very nice about it. I definitely learned a lot and got some audition experience which will be helpful later on.

Now it's Spring Break! I get to relax and see my family and practice and eat!

Just sang through my rep

Audition tomorrow. Eeee!

Of course, there's going to be a lot of talented players there. However, I intend to be one of them. It's uncommon for someone still in school to win a job so early. But I've never had a problem with being uncommon. I feel okay about tomorrow however it may go. This week was a mountainous range of obstacles that I feel that I overcame with at least some grace. The performances on Friday and Saturday went well. This morning's concerto wasn't without it's mistakes but overall it was okay. All I have to do now is make it to Berkeley and play well. Which, I am capable of doing. How crazy would it be if I won the job? Principal Trumpet of the Berkeley Symphony at age 20. I rather like the sound of that...

Never again

All nighters. No bueno...

So, yeah. Gustav Holst and the mysticism of The Planets suite. Term paper. 12-15 pages.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk.

Did it. It took me two nights and nineteen bajillion swear-words and my friends in the Annex until midnight and coffeecoffeecoffee but, I did it. And now I reap what I've sewn. I swear I was healthy on Sunday. It's now almost a week later and I'm STILL sick. My throat/nose/mouth/life hurts.

I made it through the school week. That was: Midterm (that I kind of didn't study for) and Presentation on Monday. Tuesday I turned that paper in and tried to go to work and then practice but, my supervisor told me to go home. Orchestra rehearsal and Dress rehearsal for the Bay Area Rainbow Symphony on Wednesday. Thursday was work and apparently something due in Tonal Counterpoint that I didn't do (WHY DON"T I CARE???) and Friday a mock audition in front of my friends and a pretty good performance with BARS.

All I have to do this weekend is run through my audition one more time, Nail the rest of the Mahler excerpts (....), Perform with BARS again, save my face, play the Concerto at Church, see the Blue eyed boy again, and then Audition on Monday. It's nothing, really.

It's really hard to be positive right now but, I think I'm doing it. I got waitlisted for one of the summer programs that I applied for. Better than being rejected, right? Okay. I'm going home on Tuesday. Then I'm going to get better. Then I'm going to practice, practice, practice and achieve my goals. Ready, GO!

Do I really?

Existential Qualm. Complain. Gripe. Moan. There, I saved you some time. You can now go about your day.

Orchestra rehearsal today was not so much fun. Are they ever, really? Is this what I'm doing with my life? I feel like more often than not, I enjoy the fact that I'm "good" at music. I have an audition for the Berkeley Symphony in two weeks. I'm actually setting myself up to be judged on something that I base my entire self worth on. And I'm not going to compare with the folks who do this for a living. I just won't. So, what does that mean?

So negative.

Walking ball of chill neuroses, I am. Everything is okay, even as I'm screaming mediocrity.

Rejection is Exhausting

I run. I rehearse. I come home and eat and then find out that I didn't get into one of the summer programs I've applied to. The first official e-mail I received. And all I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. 

This week has been long. And it's only Wednesday. Last week I practiced a lot. This weekend I practiced a lot. Maybe more than I ever have. My teacher this week tells me I sound tired and that I should take a break. I'm really frustrated that I want to be good and I'm not yet. And that working towards that goal is somehow furthering me from it. I sound bad a lot of the time. This makes me angry. I desire to be good. And not just good enough but great. I guess it will eventually happen. Grad school auditions are only a few months away and I'm not ready. I think about this every day...

A little off but not out

Today was the first day in a bit of a while that I have not worked out. It is what it is I suppose. I was productive in other ways. I applied to 2 more summer programs and filed my taxes online. I've also been keeping a detailed practice log which makes me sound like I don't practice as much as I thought I did. I guess I'm only keeping track of my time horn-to-face which isn't really fair because breaks are an effective part of practice. I've been going to the symphony a lot lately, which sort of exacerbates my desire to become great. I think I'm done with this mediocrity. Okay.

I feel strangely today and I'm not sure why. It might be because of my lack of exercise. Or because after going to the symphony last night, I stayed up with friends until 2:00 am. Or it might be because I've given up fish for Lent. It's been about 11 days and I've been trying to increase my protein intake and eat a more diverse diet. I've also been experimenting with eating outside of my usual fare for dinner. Tofu has helped immensely in this exploit.  

There was an earthquake in Chile. Upsetting for a number of reasons, not just the tragedy that I'm sure is still occuring there. A tsunami is or was apparently supposed to hit the coast of California. I thought yesterday that something strange was looming in the future. Maybe this is it. I'm not really sure what's going on but the waves seem to be more than just physical and water. 

I believe that sex

should never hurt someone else. Even if you enjoy it. Coming from where I've been, I know what it's like to be inadvertently told that you're worthless so penetratingly. I just wish it was 2008 and we could do it all over again. And maybe get it right this time. Ugh, today has been a long day...I just broke my necklace, I feel like crying and I want to go to sleep and wake up never. 

THIS IS PUBLIC

and I would do well to remember that. A simple google search of my name can yield results that I hadn't realized that I was unprepared for. Oh well, it's all out in the open now. Everyone has access to this, including the folks I might be discussing. That's what I get for not respecting the power of the interwebs. It's a series of tubes, really. 

Thud.

So, I finished recording everything. I've ended up applying to the Atlantic Brass Seminar, the Menlo Summer Brass Institute and the Bar Harbor Brass week. As well as doing a live audition Tuesday for the National Orchestral Institute. It is what it is. I will play and be judged and what will come of it, I don't know. I hope I get in everywhere, though. That would be nice. My audition CD isn't spectacular, especially according to my teacher. Near the very end of the offstage solo to Pines of Rome there's some background noise from a woman opening and closing a door. At this point, I'm beyond caring. I'd like to go back to growing as a musician instead of freaking out about minor imperfections, take after take after take.

Can't Sleep.

So, I blog instead. I'm starting a pattern, I think. I've been starting those a lot lately. I started oil-pulling, going to the gym on a regular basis, going to school, and writing in my journal again. I hope all of these things are going to benefit me in the long run. Hoo boy, the long run. I think that's what is keeping me up at night. According to my horoscope and Rob Brezny, for the first half of 2010 my calling will whisper seductively as I go to sleep. It will agitate me with its rippling commands to spring into action. The whole deal is that I can't sleep because I'm obsessing over these damn summer program audition CDs that are due February 1st and the National Orchestral Institute audition on tuesday. And then I can start to think about getting back to fundamentals and my junior recital. And just think, this time next year I'll know where I'm going to grad school. Ugggghhhh I hope I'm ready. I hope I get it. I think tonight was a series of signs but, I've yet to interpret them. I don't know how to achieve my purpose. I know what it is but, I just don't know how to do it yet. Story of my life. I'll figure it out. I just have to set very clear goals. 

First Day of School

And naturally, I dressed up. 'Tis what I do. 

I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it through my mondays. I have class straight from 11:00am until 10:00pm. No breaks whatsoever. Everything else is golden and wonderful. Tomorrow is another day. I'll have gaps to converse with friends and eat and the like, but today not so much. 

Depressing lesson this morning (is it bad that I don't want to communicate with my teacher) I get oddly panicked when I get a text message every now and then, afraid that it's either my roommate with a passive aggressive plea for cleanliness or him with some new way of hounding me to be better than I am already.

 

I ate cookies today, after two weeks straight of gymmin' it up and eating right. I feel ambivalent. 

Also, saw a picture of my ex on the infamous book of faces. Hoping not to run into him during this school year. Or, ya know, ever. Really, Really now? It's been a year. Get the fuck over it already. 

Auditions in a week. I'll go and try my best. Trying to be positive. Apparently, it's "competitive out there" says my teacher who was out teaching master classes this whole break. 

I should probably go to sleep but, reading this HILARIOUS blog prompted me to write this somewhat erratic post in hopes that I can one day look back and laugh at how fucked up I was. 

Not taking any classes credit/no credit this semester. We'll see how that goes. 

And.....SCENE.

As long as I improve.

I hope that by the time comes to test my skills, I will be sufficient. I'm working as hard as I can to be ready. But if I continue to improve, there is nothing else that can be done or said. I'm still working on the recordings for the Bar Harbor and Menlo Park auditions. They're due Feb. 1st. I can do this. I know I can. 

Presently, I am drinking tea because I may or may not be getting sick. I won't talk about that anymore, lest it come true. I just practiced a lot and while I was doing so, totally forgot that it was thursday and that I had to be at church choir rehearsal. It's kinda sad because they're such nice church people, they called me after it was over. I hope it's still okay that I'm going to record there tomorrow...Oh well, I'll make it to the rehearsal before the service (eep!) on Sunday. And next rehearsal. Yep, I guess I'm a good church-going boy now. 

So i've been sitting here on my computer for the last day or so. Doing nothing.

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/discover/activity/ and www.facebook.com and http://ch131.com/

have become my temporary best friends. I managed to stumbleupon a few videos done by the folks at postsecret. They ask: If you could wake up anywhere you want, without limits, where would it be?

hm.

I thought that might have some significance but, ignored it and continued engaging in meaningless data consumption. And almost immediately I happened upon this blog post by Keri Smith (whom i vascillate between judging harshly and thinking of fondly)

http://www.kerismith.com/blog/archives/000521.html

the post outlines things you can do rather than shop. For me, the last item

10. write about the best gifts you've ever received. 

did little more than make me remember things that I have received and am apparently ungrateful for, as I can only call them "the best" by default. So, here I am. Laying in bed after the last day I've had before I have to go to work tomorrow, thinking: If I could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, it would probably be somewhere to be thankful for. Somewhere probably alone from everything and everyone. Preferably warm  and  sunny where I had no obligations, or future, or "need" for all of this. 

Somewhere fun.

Summer, already?!

Apparently, I'm behind. I've been frantically trying to learn excerpts, find a recording space, borrow a piccolo trumpet, and coordinate applications all for the opportunity to attend a summer program where I will gain valuable, marketable musicality. That's exciting and I want to do it. However, I don't think I'm as prepared as I probably should be. I mean, Music Academy of the West is really competitive. But, then I suppose they all are. I'm also applying to Aspen Music Festival, Brass at Menlo, Atlantic Brass Seminar and the Bar Harbor Brass week. Thankfully the last three applications aren't due for a little while. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of waiting for Aspen or MAOW. So, that's what I'm doing today. Tracking the loose ends, making things happen. I want this and I'm going to get it.