Worst

You know, the worst is over.
ha. not true. Everything that I have lived through pales in comparison to what I am living now. The worst is over? No, I've beaten that already. The worst is now because I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. It's not even in reference to a specific event. Just this ever-present feeling of "Wow. This is my life right now". It's there, even when I have my "good" days. Good morning, constant ache in my chest. Wind ensemble concert today. He was playing the "ignore" game today and even though I want more than anything to talk to him pretty much all the time, I know it's not a good idea. I was so afraid of his boyfriend showing up. I can't imagine what I'll do when I see them together. Or rather, I can imagine a lot of unhealthy possibilities none of which I want to experience. I just wish that the last two months didn't happen. I'm in the weak part of the cycle where I just want to cry and be sick and fall asleep for days. All that I have to do is make it to saturday. Then I'll go home and everything will be far away. If only it could be forever. I'm fairly sure right now that I would do anything to make my life even a little better. Not even all the way okay. Just a little better.