Cold; Twice.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and hurt and not over it. But, I will be. I know he's reading this. And I know he probably will have something to say. But, it's okay because we may or may not speak. With that being said, I'm going to take some of his advice and write him a letter:

Dear Attractive play going Companion,

I know that you don't like me as much as I like you. I wish you did. But, that's not going to make a difference, now is it? I would like to be around you but, I don't think it's going to be that great for my psychological well being. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. Not gonna Lie. You hurt me a great deal. I hate that I make you feel bad. I hate that this is how it's going to end up. I hate that we're not together. I hate that i'm not attractive enough. I hate that you think you're a conceited bastard. I hate that I hate so many things. I wish you could be the one that ends it entirely but, of course you want to be friends or nothing. I want to be in a relationship or nothing. I suppose the common denominator is nothing. I'm not perfect. I wish you wouldn't say things to be nice. I want something real. I don't know why I unfalteringly like you. I just do. It's complicated but, you don't care. Don't try to make yourself feel bad over this. It's not worth it.

Not-Matt

P.S.
Don't read too much into this. I'm just angry and this isn't how I really feel.

People Just Aren't Like Us.

Probably some of the best advice I've ever received. It holds so much truth for me that I can't stop thinking about it. People just aren't like me.
I would be considerate.
I would be kind.
I would be harsh.
I would tell them how I feel.
I wouldn't know how to ask.
I would fall in love.
I wouldn't disregard.
I wouldn't be nice.
I wouldn't lie.
I wouldn't be cunningly condescending.
My Mother is sagely. Good phone conversations. I'm quite alright.

When it's so bad, It's funny

So, last night was literally the WORST night i've ever had. Well, almost. Sunday night last week was pretty bad. Oddly enough, there were similarities between the two nights...So, I get done with hanging out with The Russian (a friend of mine from Moscow) and instead of riding the bus that he was going to ride to get to SFSU, i assume that the M is working and walk all the way back to Harvey Milk Plaza in the light rain. Luckily, I had my umbrella. So, i'm walking in the rain all the way back to the M only to discover that it's undergoing repairs. I text my roommate to let her know that I'm going to be late because we were supposed to meet up at SFSU. I finally get on a substitute bus thing and make it to West Portal which is about a mile away from SFSU or so. However, there weren't any buses from West Portal to SFSU at that moment so, I decide to walk to school. In the rain. All the while alerting my roommate to the situation. I finally arrive at State after catching a bus halfway there and my roommate is nowhere to be found. As in she's not answering her phone, not answering my text messages. Needless to say, I'm a little upset. So, I finally get a hold of her and she's with some chick and isn't going to give me a ride home. Lovely. I try to call my attractive Play going companion who coincidentally had my warm pair of shoes in his possesion but, he was not available for the exchange of footwear. Wonderful. I walk to the bus stop in front of SFSU (still mildly wet) and encounter a fucking skunk (?!)
It didn't spray me but, still: WTF. On the bus ride home I become more and more infuriated as I think of how inconsiderate my roommate is for knowing that I was walking in the rain and leaving me not out to dry (because that would have been nice) but out to wet, I suppose. I finally get off of the 29 and try to catch the 14 to ride the remaining 12 or so blocks to my house. I wait for about a half an hour. It is now around 12 o clock and I am so fucking pissed, cold and wet it is no longer about me. It is about Fate trying to fuck with me. I catch the 14 but Lo! and Behold! there is a pothole in the road two blocks down and i have to trek the river of Mission, as it were, to get to my house. By this point, I've developed a philosophy:

I can either simply exist within it or simply exist without it.

I'm quite proud of that. It's very applicable to a lot of things. It kept me Zen and calm throughout the entire ordeal even when graced with the Icing on the cake: She locked the door.
So that I had to rifle through my bag in order to get my keys to end this fucking water torture. I burst into the house, headed immediately to the shower, and went to bed. But, not before doing some homework because I have a midterm on Friday. This is turning out to be hilariously fucking tragic. But, i'm already almost over it.

I got a cool tattoo!

and a bracelet. The tattoo says "Crazy" (or so they say) I think i'll tell people that it says "Fire" or something...

Castro St.

So, this is a picture that I took with one of my most pleasing purchases to date: a pink keychain digital camera. It's quite cute and useful even though the pictures it takes aren't too great. I was at the Castro street fair for most of the day. it was a lovely experience despite the fact that I was supposed to be singing with more that 2 people. I love the fact that they showed up, I just wished that we could have at least had an entire choral representation...Oh well, I had fun!

Don't make it a big deal

Don't be so sensitive. I really shouldn't be so defensive. Nobody in particular called me to hang out or do anything. And for some reason, I'm quite bummed out about it. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance of some sort. I mean, honestly, I know in my heart of hearts that the way that I am acting is RIDICULOUS. But, I can't help it. Hmmmm...I know that I'm crazy. Can I still be called such? I'll be over it soon enough. At least tonight I got to hang out with my Step-mom and Sister. So, really someone did call me to hang out and I should just quit my bitchin'
haha. We had the most delicious crepes at the Squat and Gobble in West Portal. I saved half of mine. ( ^ _ ^) <---This is a graphic representation of me in QWERTY board characters after I've gorged myself on melty, cheesey goodness.
Also, tomorrow I'm going to the Castro Street Fair which I am planning on making a very fun time. Choir in conjuction with a street fair couldn't be too bad. The only problem is that I must wake up tomorrow at 6am. But, that's okay. It will all be worth it in the end. As of right now I feel that my mood can be accurately described as:

Content{SadAnxious.happy?

Like Vines

We intertwined. I have this song stuck in my head right now. It's quite lovely. Another thing I have stuck in my head is Where am I going? What the FUCK is going on? No clue...
Bleh.
This weekend should be fun, though. I've already taken a four hour nap so, I should be up most of the night. Tomorrow, I will probably catch up on the monstrous amount of homework that I must complete. Music theory is not proving to be as effortless as I had initially hoped. But, it is my passion and I will make an effort towards perfection. American Indian studies is also not proving to be as effortless as I hoped. The difference between AIS and Music is that I couldn't care less about American Indian studies. Honestly, I'm doing the work so that I don't have to repeat the course. And it sounded so interesting....
On Sunday, I'm going to be performing at the Castro Street Fair. My choir, GLAM, is showing up to do a few numbers and pretty much get awareness out there. It's going to be a most enjoyable experience.