My corporate Identity

Yep. I've been reduced to a number. I'm Walker #57 with California Overnight. It's quite boring and requires a lot of memorization or routes and whatnot. Oh well, at least I'll probably be able to make rent this month. Probably. The introduction of this new aspect of my life requires a lot of thought and scheduling. I need to balance School, This Job, GLAM and the LYRIC internship. In that order. The only problems really are days that they bleed over into each other. Like Monday evenings when LYRIC ends at 7:30 and my philosophy class starts at 7:00. Or friday when my shift with Cal Overnight ends at 10:30 but, my Communications class starts at 9:00. I really hope I don't have to make a decision between one of the four things and another. Oh, and did I mention I'm considering double majoring? Communications is really interesting and opens up a lot more job prospects than just being a Music Major. I'll make that decision next semester, I think. Right now I've got far too much on my plate.

And I keep imagining

What the future will be like. It's kind of murky...I see myself making possibly enough money with these jobs. I see myself possibly being happy. I see myself being more adult. I envision coldness but, it doesn't bother me. Why would I care if I'm jaded?
For some reason, I don't imagine that My attractive Play going companion will be completely out of the picture, which is somewhat alarming. It's so strange to be full of all of my hurt and still think of him. I'm unsure of whether or not to enact these divinatory musings...It would be so much easier to be true to my cruel nature and cut him out. It would be better for me. It would be better for him. I think I should. I don't know. I keep imagining my life and who and what will be part of it. It's best to have foresight in these matters but, why can't I just decide when it comes time? I believe I will.

I hate being right

I hate+ and hate-} and (hate).
It's true, once I started living here my emotions have become more clear. More intense and vivid. Hmmm...
I'm sitting here on a lovely saturday morning and trying (and failing) to learn a sad song on the piano. I just woke up and I feel as though I got too much sleep. But, too much consciousness is just as bad. if not worse. Ha, i'm such a sleep whore.

I shouldn't give my heart to just anyone because you don't know what the fuck they're going to do with it.
She was right.
Beautiful boys who write poetry for me are nothing but trouble.
I was right.
He'll never give me a second glance.
I was right.
Agh,
But enough about that. I'm forbidding myself to writing more blogs about this...okay possibly one more. It is quite therapeutic. So, anyways
I would like very much for my Mom and Little Brother to come visit me (hint, hint *wink*)
And I don't know exactly how my finances are going to work out but, I suppose I'll figure that out when The Roommate returns from her silly escapist tantrum. I start working my other job on Tuesday! Should be fun, right?
It's quite a weird mood that I'm in as of late. Oh well, I can always cheer myself up with...ummm...yeah. I'm in San Francisco, what is there to do on a Saturday?
Oh, and in completely unrelated news, I'm only 17 for another 22 days! 'Tis good for me to overcome the arbitrary barrier. Then i'll be able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. My favorite!

What am I going to do?

Cold; Twice.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and hurt and not over it. But, I will be. I know he's reading this. And I know he probably will have something to say. But, it's okay because we may or may not speak. With that being said, I'm going to take some of his advice and write him a letter:

Dear Attractive play going Companion,

I know that you don't like me as much as I like you. I wish you did. But, that's not going to make a difference, now is it? I would like to be around you but, I don't think it's going to be that great for my psychological well being. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. Not gonna Lie. You hurt me a great deal. I hate that I make you feel bad. I hate that this is how it's going to end up. I hate that we're not together. I hate that i'm not attractive enough. I hate that you think you're a conceited bastard. I hate that I hate so many things. I wish you could be the one that ends it entirely but, of course you want to be friends or nothing. I want to be in a relationship or nothing. I suppose the common denominator is nothing. I'm not perfect. I wish you wouldn't say things to be nice. I want something real. I don't know why I unfalteringly like you. I just do. It's complicated but, you don't care. Don't try to make yourself feel bad over this. It's not worth it.

Not-Matt

P.S.
Don't read too much into this. I'm just angry and this isn't how I really feel.

People Just Aren't Like Us.

Probably some of the best advice I've ever received. It holds so much truth for me that I can't stop thinking about it. People just aren't like me.
I would be considerate.
I would be kind.
I would be harsh.
I would tell them how I feel.
I wouldn't know how to ask.
I would fall in love.
I wouldn't disregard.
I wouldn't be nice.
I wouldn't lie.
I wouldn't be cunningly condescending.
My Mother is sagely. Good phone conversations. I'm quite alright.

When it's so bad, It's funny

So, last night was literally the WORST night i've ever had. Well, almost. Sunday night last week was pretty bad. Oddly enough, there were similarities between the two nights...So, I get done with hanging out with The Russian (a friend of mine from Moscow) and instead of riding the bus that he was going to ride to get to SFSU, i assume that the M is working and walk all the way back to Harvey Milk Plaza in the light rain. Luckily, I had my umbrella. So, i'm walking in the rain all the way back to the M only to discover that it's undergoing repairs. I text my roommate to let her know that I'm going to be late because we were supposed to meet up at SFSU. I finally get on a substitute bus thing and make it to West Portal which is about a mile away from SFSU or so. However, there weren't any buses from West Portal to SFSU at that moment so, I decide to walk to school. In the rain. All the while alerting my roommate to the situation. I finally arrive at State after catching a bus halfway there and my roommate is nowhere to be found. As in she's not answering her phone, not answering my text messages. Needless to say, I'm a little upset. So, I finally get a hold of her and she's with some chick and isn't going to give me a ride home. Lovely. I try to call my attractive Play going companion who coincidentally had my warm pair of shoes in his possesion but, he was not available for the exchange of footwear. Wonderful. I walk to the bus stop in front of SFSU (still mildly wet) and encounter a fucking skunk (?!)
It didn't spray me but, still: WTF. On the bus ride home I become more and more infuriated as I think of how inconsiderate my roommate is for knowing that I was walking in the rain and leaving me not out to dry (because that would have been nice) but out to wet, I suppose. I finally get off of the 29 and try to catch the 14 to ride the remaining 12 or so blocks to my house. I wait for about a half an hour. It is now around 12 o clock and I am so fucking pissed, cold and wet it is no longer about me. It is about Fate trying to fuck with me. I catch the 14 but Lo! and Behold! there is a pothole in the road two blocks down and i have to trek the river of Mission, as it were, to get to my house. By this point, I've developed a philosophy:

I can either simply exist within it or simply exist without it.

I'm quite proud of that. It's very applicable to a lot of things. It kept me Zen and calm throughout the entire ordeal even when graced with the Icing on the cake: She locked the door.
So that I had to rifle through my bag in order to get my keys to end this fucking water torture. I burst into the house, headed immediately to the shower, and went to bed. But, not before doing some homework because I have a midterm on Friday. This is turning out to be hilariously fucking tragic. But, i'm already almost over it.

I got a cool tattoo!

and a bracelet. The tattoo says "Crazy" (or so they say) I think i'll tell people that it says "Fire" or something...