It's almost 12:34

And I'm waiting to make a wish. Oh wait! There, it changed. I wish for a lot of things. I wish for him to find me. I wish for my next time with my family to come sooner than I expect and last longer than it is. I also wish for tomorrow to go smoothly. I've really enjoyed my stay in Nipomo. Despite not getting to see everyone that I wanted to. And not really getting to see everyone that I got to see for very long. Oh well, Nipomo has an interesting effect on my emotions. By literally returning to a place where I was immature, I have figuratively done so. I'm now in a state of mind that I feel has regressed from where I was in San Francisco. I'm actually somewhat ready to go back....okay, nevermind. Not really, but I suppose I have no choice. I'm ready to go back for certain aspects. I really don't like being the only out gay person in a mile radius. I really don't like not having anywhere to go when I hang out with my friends. But, other than that I wish I could spend more time here, Eat with my family and get flabbier than I've been getting lately. Back to the grind stone. I guess. I'll need to make some more money to recover the horrible spending that I've been doing lately. Oh Yes, my favorite things: Being single in a one-horse town while eating food that is horrible for me and spending obscene amounts of money.

Breaking

I've been breaking pretty intensely. Today I spent a few hours with my GSA Leader/Mentor person. She's amazing and I love her and her family. Then, I spent time with Dad and my sister which was very Fun. I regret not spending more time with them when I had the chance...But, I suppose that's neither here nor there. After spending time with them, I went to "The Sound of Music" which featured my friend from PCPA in a wonderful Leiderhosen/dress ensemble.
Evie (!) and I went to see it and it was actually quite lovely. Despite being terribly cliche, the harmonies were pretty tight.
Up until today, I haven't been really doing much except hanging out with the Familia and Bandrew. Oh, and having a terrible and then alright thanksgiving dinner which I won't discuss save for mentioning the fact that despite a few hitches, my first Thanksgiving made me very thankful. For a lot of things.

Packing!

It's a whirlwind of clothes and containers and all that jazz. Deciding on which outfits and whatnot. All with a pleased sort of glow because I'm going home tomorrow! In 12 hours I will be on the bus, listening to some good music, and getting ready to see mi familia. It's quite wonderful. I don't really know what else to put up here except:


= ]

Buddhism! and the Twin's Birthday

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures to show but, today was a rather eventful one. I went to a Gay Buddhist Meeting for meditation and discussion. The meditation didn't do much for me but, the discussion was enlightening. It's always interesting to get a perspective different than your own. Most of those in attendance do the discussion were old and white. Obviously, not from my demographic. Still, valid things were said. Mainly, the concept of a "true self" and how that true self is connected to everything else. Interesting. I must find out more. Also, have become more interested in Yoga and less interested in the commercial aspects of it. I would like to not have to pay for physical and spiritual enlightenment, thank you very much. All in all, I would say the day was quite productive.
After the meeting, I rode over to Lincoln and 19th to meet the Long Lost Twin for her birthday party! It was fun. We decided on 6 different restaurants, finally stopped at one and ate, then we went to Fort Point. Fort Point was quite amazing. I resolve to go there at least once more. I quite liked it. And the Twin liked her presents. I made her a hat with an N sewed onto the front and a little pom-pom. We listened to music and danced and lit incense. Then we went to the Haight and listened to this jazz combo which REALLY made me want to take out my horn. There was this trumpet player there who was high school aged and actually knew the Twin but, he wasn't too great. His horn was pretty though. All black and really shiny. We also painted each other's faces. I got some interesting black and white embellishments to my features, The Twin got a butterfly. On the way home someone told us we were beautiful. It made me smile on the inside. Speaking of the Twin, we also discovered that we are more alike than we thought, again. She and I can both blow spit bubbles, We both have slender, frog-like hands. And a myriad of other things but, Yes. I had quite a fun experience this Sunday. Unfortunately it must come to an end. I have to go to work tomorrow, I think. I'll call in and check to see. But, I think I'll go anyways. I need the money. The more I think about it, The more I'd like to move out. And seeing as how I get 5 weeks off of school for winter break, I can work more frequently to get the extra cash for a down payment somewhere else. Ah, life would be so much better once I only have myself to worry about. I think that life will simply just get better. It's optimistic, I know. But, I feel that change is coming. And I think I'll like it.

listlistlist

It's quite enjoyable to sit down and hammer out a list. I feel that it gives me a sense of order and neatly contains insurmountable tasks in tiny bullet points. I also learn things about myself. In writing out "Qualities that in a potential Lover" I've realized the only thing that is non-negotiable is that he must like me more than I like him. Hm. I didn't know I was so easy to please.
The List of "Things I want to tell people" was particularly enlightening. I want to tell the A.P.g. companion that I'm sorry, I forgive him and to ask him why okay? *sigh* I'll stick to my path but, I'd still like to know. I want to tell the Roommate that she's greedy and selfish and inconsiderate and I'm moving out after January. One of the things that suprised me the most was that I want to tell myself to stop being such a whore and to FOCUS. Hmm. Interesting
Oh, the listing. It goes on and on. From the empowering "Reasons why I'm a valid human being" to the self-deprecating "Reasons why I'm still single". I've learned a lot from those, too. Mainly that I'm not as conceited as I thought I was but, I still have a long way to go to be modest. And that the reasons I see aren't the reasons that are readily accessible to the general public. One thing: I wish I was more aware of what my heart looks like when I wear it on my sleeve. It could be small and black and shaped funny. It could be covered with thorns and fire. It could have grown three sizes that day. I just don't know. Hm. Again.
I'm sitting here in a cafe that I discovered last weekend eating a rather delicious cookie. My Rooommate decided to cook meat in our very poorly ventilated apartment (again, no consideration. Whatsoever) So, I decided to leave and experience a little city life. Tomorrow will be the Long Lost Twin's birthday party. It's Dress-up and I have the perfect hound's-tooth jacket for the occasion. I'm also debating on whether or not I want to attend the Buddhist meeting. Ah, so much interesting activity going on in The City by the Bay.
I go home in 5 days!

Self-Actualization

According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, human beings most crave to reach the state of one's true potential. We were talking about this hierarchy in Communications today. It seemed really interesting though potentially flawed. At the bottom of the hierarchy are "baser" needs like food and oxygen. Which of course, I somewhat understand. But, what I don't understand are the other needs.While important, some people believe that to varying degrees companionship, power and success, etc. can be categorized quantitatively. Which I personally don't believe to be true. But, for whatever reason, I totally accept self-actualization as the top of the pyramid. Everything I do in life is to reach my potential. Sadly, most of this potential involves the high regard of someone else. I don't like that I depend on other's thoughts so much. But, it can't be helped, I suppose.
Wow. This blog wasn't planned to turn out like this. I guess it sort of got away from me and turned it an intellectual rant/contemplation. Oh well, I guess I can deal with that. To bring it back to reality, I have to say that I'm quite excited: I got a B on the American Indian studies project I turned in, I had a LOT of fun on Thursday night, It wasn't too uncomfortable being in Comm. with the A.P.g. companion, My mommy sent me a package, and I get to GO HOME on wednesday!!!
= ]

To Do

I wonder what my To Do list says about me. A lot of things, probably. Today is my last day of solitude. The Roommate gets back from her slightly interrupted month of temper tantrum tomorrow. I did a little bit on my list. The problem is that I included long term in with my short term. Now, I'll have to wait for a few weeks until I'm able to cross off everything. Oh, but what a sense of order it will bring! I'm quite excited to finish it. Anyways, it goes as follows:

1. Change/Add Major Form
2. Meeting with Kilgard
3. Meet with GLAM steering committee *
4. Make Change!
5. Clean the apartment
6. Do dishes
7. Practice the trumpet
8. Music Theory Homework
9. Attend AIS field trip....boo
10. Track down Philosophy
11. Make appointment with G.E. Advisors *
12. Build more perfect schedule *
13. Go into detail about each item on list " * "
14. Work out and stretch
15. Tell Jaedon I Can't
16. Regroup
17. Return CB
18. Attend Buddhist Meeting
19. Make Something

I've completed items 5, 6, 7, and 15. I'm working on 19 after this post. I've started everything that I can. It will be wonderful once it's over.