If there is no happy ending

make one out of cookie dough. 

I think I might have had a vision last night. It was kind of very strange, so bear with me. It was largely about "10 things I hate about you". I may or may not have been Julia Stiles...(I know, weird) 

Anyways, my perspective shifts and I see a couple hugging and facing the same direction. It might have been Julia Stiles or me again, and we seemed distant from the guy hugging us. He has curly, dark brown hair. And then my perspective shifts again and he's looking up at me and I can't see his eyes because his hair is in the way. He smiles at me and then I see/hear/read the words

"And you'll finally be Happy."

At this point, I may have started crying. In my waking life or the dream. I'm not really sure because I was kind of in between the two which is why I say it was a vision and not a dream. Anyways. I don't know what it means and I don't know what to think about it. It is what it is, I guess. 

It brings up all kinds of thought, though. Who was he? WTF Julia Stiles? Why would I cry at that? Does this mean I'm not happy now? WAIT. Am I unhappy right now? ....I don't' know. I guess not. I've been doing the optimism/positivity thing for a while but, it's too soon for me to be familiar with it. I did the other thing for 19 years, this way of being is new to me. And who is this guy to tell me if I'm happy? I'LL decide when that happens, thanks. Now to find the eggs, milk, sugar and chocolate chips...

You say good start

I say perfect ending.  So many things beginning and ending for me. I'm starting to work out again, starting the last week of school, starting to feel better. These are all wonderful things that I'm very grateful for. The stuff that is ending is all good as well, I suppose. Change is always good. Or necessary at least. The one thing that proves to be kind of difficult is 223 W. Dana. I knew transitioning out of it would be a long and arduous process. Now, the addition of hard and/or soft deadlines, the careful manipulation/saving of my grandmother's sovreignty, and concurrent planning of a trip home while sick and during finals week are all proving to be as messy as you would imagine them to be. I feel like this is the stopper at the bottle of something wonderful. It's actually a bigger, twistier cork than I thought it would be but eventually I'll get it out and drink sweetly.

Newest addition to my room

Here it is. In all of it's Deskly glory. I didn't realize how huge a transition it was or how much I was resisting it until it almost literally fell into my lap. This innocuous piece of furniture means: I'm here. I'm staying. I might go other places but this room will be where I return to for a long while. I've been living off/out of two sizeable blue totes that kept me satisfied as far as storage and surface space are concerned. But, no more! Now all I need to find is a chair....I suppose one of the blue totes will serve another purpose for a little while, at least.

The reason I have this new friend is because one of my very close friends moved back to Southern California for 2 months before she moves to England. I'm very sad that she's gone (although not as much as she is) and her presence will be sorely missed. May the desk in the corner of my room live on in her legacy! hahaha

Independence

A quality that I find admirable. 

self-sustaining

uncontrolled

self-reliant

autonomous

On your own. Today is the day we celebrate the history of the United States and all of the far reaching, slightly appalling events that accompany it. I can't go out and party (the american way)

because I've been sick for the past week. So, I sit at home and consider what it means for me to be independent. I have no need of anyone but myself. I suppose that's remarkable. I've been on my own since I was 17, with only vestigial ties to a place I can call home. Now, that place has dissolved in a bureacratic quicksand with it's frantic survivors trying to fall where they may land. It's draining for me to watch, to hear about it from a distance without being able to actually do anything. And to have no knowledge (but a vague certainty) of what's going to happen after the 8th. It's all going to be over soon. This blasted sickness, the housing stress...I hope. 

Heal

myself 

from all this sicky grossy badness

from any lingering negativity that may be lurking around 

from anything that isn't absolutely wonderful for me.

This is all that I put out into the Universe. Strange topic to be writing about this late. But, I can't sleep because my roommate is watching The Little Mermaid in Italian (Croatian?) and I guess I'm not tired enough to fall asleep just yet. Urgh. I'd like to go out and live life. Tomorrow, if possible. Should be a fun one. 4th of July and all that. Whoo

Double dipping

So, I find that I have nothing to do. Still. Why not blog? I never do it twice in one day. Today seems like a perfect one to do it. I find myself in a very strange place. One minute, I'm okay. Next minute, I'm doubled over clutching my abdomen. Not so much okay. It also relates to my outlook on life. This month is going to be a very good one, I can tell. But I seem to lose sight of that when it feels like a family of wooly mammoths is trying to claw its way out of my stomach. Oh well. It's better than it was yesterday. And I feel like I should be able to go to sleep soon and get through the whole night. I'm lazing about and it would be fabulous if not for the weakened-kitten-with-polio feeling that courses through every muscle in my body. Sigh...

Tea is wonderful. 

So I'm kind of incoherent

Which means: 

Poetry!

Sick, Sick Poetry.

Okay, here goes. 

Pain shoots through my abdomen

Death opens the door says "come in" (eh?eh?)

Snotty, pussy grossness and yuck

Brain in different places like "What the fuck?"

Nothing to do but change my facebook status

Snowflakes form in a crystal lattice (it's a stretch, yes)

I wish this would be over so I could exercise

At all the unfairness, tears come from my eyes

I haven't practiced in 2 whole days

This shit is fucked up in various ways

I know it''s true when I say that "This too shall pass"

Until then I do nothing but sit on my ass

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