New things

Learning German. Actually being okay with my body. New edition of my Journal. Applying for a Passport. Summer Brass Institute. Thinking of moving out of my apartment.

but then the old things:

Being happy, sad, okay, sad, okay, sad. Going to the gym every day. Practicing trumpet and feeling like I'm not good enough/getting better. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing.

yep, yep. Being productive staves off the blahs. I'm okay.

Reasons why Today was awesome:

1. I looked at my bank account and thought "FUCK. I don't have enough money to pay rent and tuition. Some unpleasant decisions are going to be made..." And then I went to school to ask around about summer work and I discovered that I had not one but FOUR uncashed checks waiting for me. Sweet.

2. Some person donated all of his trumpet books to SFSU. I noticed this huge stack of boxes that contained music boxes just waiting outside of the music library. Asked the guy in charge if I could inspect them. He told me I could look through them which was pretty awesome.

3. I went to Sushi AND Frozen Yogurt with amazing people that remind me why I still interact with human beings from time to time.

Why can't more days be like this?

An Amazing Weekend

Bittersweet but mostly awesome.

Pink Saturday (despite being the site of deplorable violence) was a lot of fun. Hung out with a very cute German boy whom I met last week. Er war sehr schön und nett and I'm going to miss him, I think. What is with the whole "Hey, I like you" "That's cool, I'm moving to Europe. K byeeeee" thing? Clearly I must go there. Oh wait, I am. This winter, I've decided in addition to going to Spain, I'm also going to Dresden to visit my new friend.

This weekend was also the first time I ever woke up early enough to watch the parade. It was pretty interesting, glitter and all. I think I'd like to dance on a float in the future.

Yep.

Learning

just because someone is handsome and smart and nice to me sometimes is no reason to become infatuated with them. I think it should go without saying but, I'm young and bad at dealing with these insipid feelings. Back to basics:

pretty eyes do not a good person make

no matter what either of us say, it's very possible that I WILL get hurt

wanting something doesnt mean i'm going to get it, even if i ask politely

I'm not as good at communicating as i'd like to be.

Boys are stupid


But it's actually no big deal. I suppose the next time it happens will be even easier.
When someone tells me that I'm not worth it to them it's based on preconceived notions that they have. Nothing to do with me, really.

Im growing up.

Autopilot

I'd like to not live this life. Sure, my body can keep going and do whatever it wants but my mind is elsewhere. This week is difficult. I know it's probably a phase that i'm going through so, I think my best bet is to continue on as if nothing is wrong in the hopes that I won't do (or not do, actually) something that I regret. If I gave up practicing now and still somehow decided to go to the Summer Brass Institute, that would be a bad idea. If I stopped exercising and ate cookies all day, that would be a bad idea. If I didn't speak to anyone at all this week and next week wanted to hang out, that would be a bad idea. As appealing as all of those things sound right now, i'm not entirely sure it's what I want to do. Then again, who's to say what I want? Certainly not me. The only thing I do know that I want right now is to stop feeling this way. Yep, that would be nice.

It didn't destroy me

Surprisingly. I'm still here.

Terrible Summer program. Terrible. My quintet was bad. I was unprofessional. I have no idea how to explain what happened. Spent the last two days with my head up my ass being rude and uncommunicative to people that were supposed to be my friends and people that were only trying to help me out. What's wrong with me? I understand that people have high periods and low periods but I'm not sure how to handle mine. Except by trying to make everyone else around me feel the same...Great.

Spent tonight eating delicious Indian food. Which, of course, makes everything momentarily better. There's still the issue, though:

I am not a good trumpet player.

I only enjoy doing something if I'm already good at it.

Since I'm not good at this, I only want to work at it if I can become good at it.

This means that I have to start playing "The Comparison Game" which I hate doing because everyone loses.

So, that's that. Also, the seminar introduced a surprising emotional interplay with another participant which I hadn't planned on happening. T'was weird and I don't really know how to interpret what was going on. Bromance is tough...

Also, my love life didn't go on hold while I went to San Luis Obispo. A rather unfortunate series of events resulted in some terrible mis-communications that I'm still feeling the repercussions of. Surprisingly when I went to talk to the person involved I received some questionable (hurtful?) information. It was weird because the expression on his face, the events in my life, where I am right now, it all should have hurt. A lot.

But the thing is, I don't. Is it weird that the painkillers I'm on for a staph infection that I have hurt my stomach? I might be emotionally drained enough to the point where I can't focus any more on physical or emotional detractors.

I'd like it if I was here no longer.

My third Summer!

So many things are happening! I'm really enjoying not having to worry about stuff. This summer I've been hanging out with friends and pretty much relaxing. I think I might take a few more days off before going back to the grind.

Bay to Breakers was fun. I was the white cloud in a rainbow of red (pink?) orange yellow green blue and purple

I've been trying not to think so much about the future and other things that are usually so easy to focus on. So far I guess it's working.

Also, I've been going to the gym! 3 daysss haha