Anxiety over

School. Money. Studying music.

Things that for some reason I think are necessary in my life at the moment.

I just want to move to Europe and never do anything again ever. But that would prove to have its own difficulties...

I've been legitimately considering it, though. www.daad.de and www.goabroad.com

look into them if you're into escapism like me.

Tomorrow is my orchestra audition. Tomorrow is also probably going to be rife with headaches. The two are almost entirely unrelated but my reaction to both of them will be: Dress well and do my best.

And eat, obviously.

Goat. Rodeo.

San Francisco State University.

I attend school here and am expecting to get a Bachelor's of Music in Trumpet Performance and a Bachelor of Arts in Communications Studies. I work hard, taking more than 19 units every semester since fall semester sophomore year. I am planning on graduating in 3 semesters, which means only one extra semester outside of the "standard" four years. I will have something like 200 units when that happens because one of my degree programs is the biggest that the CSU system has to offer.

I initially thought that this semester was going to be better than the last one. I'm taking a German course (although I don't know which one...101 or 206? I'd rather be bored than overwhelmed...I think) I'm going to be more focused in my lessons, I'm going to have a job working in the box office selling tickets for the Creative Arts, I'm going to get food stamps (whoo free food) I'm not going to be in Wind Ensemble (because eff that) AND I'm not going to have to take Classical and Romantic history with the bat-shit crazy professor from last fall. Okay. Sweet.

Or so I thought.

I e-mailed the chair of our department (you know, the authoritative person who makes decisions and knows shit, right?) if it was okay that I take Music 520 Bach and Handel instead of Classical and Romantic History because I was one of the people involved in a litigation against the aforementioned bat-shit crazy teacher of this course. Also, I didn't register for this course and didn't study over the summer for the course because a. NO. and b. Teachers shouldn't require reading over the summer. This, I feel, is a perfectly legitimate request as I should have options fulfilling requirements. I spoke with my advisor, who deferred to the chair who said yes. Whose answer I have IN WRITING.

Me: Can I take Mus 520 Bach and Handel in exchange for Mus 551 Classical and Romantic.

Her: Yes.

Should have been a done deal. But, no. Apparently, the dean of the history department (who coincidentally has nothing to do with signing and/or approving my graduation papers) throws a hissy fit about this and they have a meeting where it's established that this may or may not be acceptable. Despite the fact that the teacher of the substitute class I want to take was only rehired specifically for teaching people who can't take Mus 551. But that issue aside, the fact that the bat-shit crazy teacher is allowed to teach when there is on-going litigation against him is disappointing. I shouldn't have to feel so negatively about my school. Because basically I'm at the point where I'm thinking I have to cheat the school out of whatever I can before the school screws me over. Great.

All this on top of bureaucratic battles over food-stamps, bank statements, financial aid, worrying about my German class, studio drama, no more free time.

I hope this semester gets better.

So much win

So, yesterday I went out clothes shopping with a good friend of mine. I felt somewhat guilty about spending money but I rationalized by remembering that I got paid $150 dollars to house sit...so I can afford it. Also, I haven't gotten any new clothes in well over a year and my pants are all frayed and sad-looking. So, with that being said, H&M received a lengthy visit from me. After we went shopping, we decided to go to the food court in the mall despite the fact that the food there is usually expensive and not that good. We were hovering outside a ramen place that seemed to be closed but had a bunch of people milling about inside. As we were about to leave, a small man came up to us and explained that they were opening up the next day but were having a free test run and if we wanted to, we could come in and eat a meal for free. FREE. FUCKING. RAMEN. My friend and I looked at each other in disbelief...we ordered what we wanted and each got a boba as well. Afterwards, I got a slush for the road and we kind of sat there in disbelief waiting for someone to come up and say "Just kidding! $30 dollars, please" but it never happened. The raging fat kid inside of me was temporarily satisfied by seafood ramen and it was AWESOME.

Back to Normal

Or something like that...

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel like myself unless I have a long list of tasks to complete by the end of the day. Long term and short term goals seem to be what sustains me at the moment. I went to the gym today for the first time in a very long time. Practiced for 3 hours and feel relatively good about it. I've gotten back into studying German again. For so long I was just sitting at home, either too sick or too lazy to actually do anything. Now, I'm getting the hang of it again. It's good to be productive, I guess.

If not one thing, another

Always.

My stomach hurts. Interestingly, when I get nauseous I also feel a little hungry. I eat something and the nausea goes away... hm. But really now, tomorrow (or today, rather) was supposed to be the day that I start up again. Practicing, German studying, blah blah blah. Being a real person and everything. My throat doesn't hurt much anymore. Okay. So now, it's my stomach. Great. It hurt so bad last night that I couldn't get to sleep. I've been up since morning yesterday...

I suppose I'll stay away until tonight and just sleep a lot before Tuesday. It's really unfair, I think. I don't even know what's making me sick but it keeps switching to different parts of my body.

Another thing that's frustrating right now is that I would like to move out of my apartment. I've even found a place that is $15 a month more expensive but ultimately better for my sanity. Except for the fact that it's kind of on a sloping incline and twice as far away from school as my current apartment. Which isn't saying much but, I've grown accustomed to flopping out of bed each morning for my 8am classes (which of course I have every day this semester except friday) Another reason I stayed up is because I've been mulling over the pros that aren't that great and the cons that aren't that bad. I think I might just have cabin fever because I've been in my house constantly lately. My roommate situation isn't ideal but I think this might be soon remedied by the fact that I'll be at school 8am to 10pm during the week and 12 to 5 during the weekends....So what should I do? Contemplate my choices and always think about what could have been, I guess.

I just want

to be NOT SICK for an extended period of time

to practice (and get better)

to eat a lot of food

to go home and not deal with my apartment right now

to see mein Freund

to hang out with all my friends

as well as a lot of other things. Maybe I should clean my room, too. In my current stage of immobility, it has become disgusting. No cleaning, no studying, just lazing about. And not even the good kind either. I hope my tonsils don't need to be taken out...

Aches and Pains

Seriously. BODY! What the fuck?? first it was my back....then it was my stomach and now it's my throat. Can you just chill the fuck out and work like you're supposed to? Rage and anger....

The most upsetting thing is that I actually WANT to practice today but I can't when the mechanism that usually produces a vibrating column of air produces a vibrating column of ow.

Blehhhh

So, now I guess I'll just study German. I've decided that instead of taking German 101 Basic German, I'm going to take German 206 Intermediate Conversation. I think I can do it...I have the book for 101 and 102, the prerequisites for this class, and I know a guy who's going to be in it that didn't take 102...yes, I'm capable of this. Next semester will be difficult, I think but not in an impossible way.

Anyways, I want mango sorbet....yummmm