My love is too

Try it out. Say "My love is too... to have thrown back in my face" and fill in your own blanks

My love is too beautiful.

or simply

My love is too much to have thrown back in my face

Ntozake Shange. The name had always been sort of in the periphery of my life...i'd heard of her. I'd liked the artwork that accompanied her poems. Read a few of them and liked them but I never got too into it. Tonight, I went to go see a film adaptation of "For Colored Girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf". It was very, very good. So much that the messages in it resonated with my life. I identified very much with Orange. There is a root for all behavior and you have to find it and pluck it. Or let it grow, I guess. There are so many beautiful quotes that I can't even fully recall. I feel something revolutionary on the horizon.

Day of Birth

I've been on this planet for 21 years. That's kind of a big deal, right?

It's nice to receive so many messages from people wishing me a happy birthday.

Tonight, I'm going out with my friends to places I was previously prohibited from. Today

was a good, good day and tonight will be awesome.

Happiness, Positivity, Optimism.

My favorite Emotion

It seems that I say the words "It's frustrating" a lot. It's like my catchphrase. Here I am, woken up way too early for this school day filled with things I don't want to do and people I don't want to deal with. In the past few days I've been frustrated by my life, being required to do things, my back/neck hurting, a member of the Five, dealing with my own inadequacy. The thing is...I just DON'T want to do any of it, though.

There's another feeling I'm familiar with.

The Five

The Mighty Five. A group of Russian Composers and a symbolic representation of me and my group of close friends at SF state. I'm Cesar Cui, obvi. I mean just listen to the name: Cuuiiiiiii

anyways, they were upset after reading my blog that I never referenced them in my blog so here they are. In all of their Russian Neo-Romantic Glory. Mily Balkirev, Modest Moussorgsky, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Alexander Borodin and of course Cesar Cui. We're like a disfunctional little family. Super disfunctional. But, I love them and that's that.

The Sun

I wish it was back. Light, warmth, photosynthesis....provider of good things. It seems like it's always raining now. I have a lot longer to go before it starts being warm again.

I made my Rufio costume for Halloween. It's going to be AWESOME. I'm pretty excited except for the fact that it's most likely going to rain on Friday. Oh well, story of my life.

I'd like for it to be bright tomorrow.

I want

my neck to stop hurting

it to stop raining

to work out

abs

the semester to be over

to learn how to play ukulele better

a boyfriend

to go on a vacation

and to never come back. Ever.

that's pretty much it. Don't give a fuck. Essays, Essays, Essays.

I hate everything. even puppies. Waahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Pretending to care

It's hard. Music is hard. Everything is hard. This is something I apparently have to learn.

Orchestra dress rehearsal and performance tomorrow. This whole "good attitude" thing is fleeting beyond my reach. I wonder what it's like for those people? Where does the motivation come from....

I think about this a lot. I've been exposed to a lot of positive examples of people who are good players, good at life, good people. I really can't be driven to anything after I see examples of people who make the best out of a good situation. Good for them, those good people.

So, how can I make myself care? That's the question of the year. It's not coming from within, obviously. And even people who work hard; who have transcended the general trend can't make it better for me. I have to do it for myself but I don't know how....