Compounded

I seem to be a magnet for negativity. What is that? When did that happen?

I'm sitting here, house sitting in a swanky Bernal Heights apartment, not doing anything. I have a test tomorrow and everything is due. Ever. The dog here reminds of my childhood pet, Zoe, whose death I was informed of yesterday. May She Rest In Peace.

I'm eating all of their food because they said I could and I lost my food stamp card when my wallet got stolen. And thinking about anything financial makes my stomach hurt.

at least I have Europe to look forward to. 44 Days.

Not alone

So I'm thankful on this day commemorating genocide and imperialism. I'm thankful for a lot of things: the fact that I have friends and a life and good things going for me. I'm not alone in this, which is comforting and a fact of which I must constantly remind myself.

Second Date?

it's difficult enough getting a first date. You'd think once that happened it would be some indicator that, hey, I might like to see you again. Or something. Yesterday I managed to go on the third date I'd gone on this whole year...and it went really well. Funny how I'm sitting here eating chocolate sorbet and watching anime online right now. hahaha.

It would be one thing if I could sense awkwardness or an unwillingness to repeat the experience. If anything, I felt he was more into it than I was. Assuring me multiple times that he'd call today. But again: Nope. He thought I was really attractive but apparently not worth seeing again. I'm not sure I agree with the first but I know the second is just plain wrong.

Friends

Things that friends do:

Care. Or at least if they don't care, pretend to.

Tell you that your feelings are valid and that you're not crazy....even if they think you are.

I've had a particularly upsetting conversation in the past. I lost my wallet and I come home after being wet and uncomfortable to my large and empty bed. I just felt alone and isolated and unhappy. I've felt that feeling before and it's one I can deal with so, I figured I would go to sleep and wake up and feel better in the morning. Well a friend messaged me on facebook and after I told him what I was feeling and how I was feeling tied into more systematic issues in my life he completely dismissed me.

Me: I lost my wallet and the isolation that I feel relates to certain authority figures in my life always relating me to a negative state of being. The "darkness" that I feel right now is completely warranted because sometimes life is unfortunate and I wish that it weren't the case but I really do feel like this one instance is a symbol for other things that I'm trying not to let spill into various aspects of my life.

Him: I don't want to talk about it. G'night.

Okay. Great. So I'm crazy. Cool.

Loser

I hate feeling dumb. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate feeling unintelligent. Story of my life right now. I'm trying my best not to do things that make me feel like I'm not good enough because I am. Dammit.

So tonight was the Harvest Concert that actually went really, really well. I played trumpet for Women's Chorus, Sang with the Chamber Singers and debuted with Vocal Point, a small ensemble that I started. It was a really good concert. And then I get to my door and realize that I've lost my wallet. Great. With my keys, cards, checks and the key to the Associate Dean's house (because I'm house sitting for him). Awesome.

And I was trying to explain how all of this translates into my life and all the general "darkness" as it were to my friend online. And he says he doesn't want to respond and signs off, making me feel as though my feelings aren't valid and that I'm crazy. Which isn't an unfamiliar feeling but it's also not one that I enjoy having. I don't like it. I don't like feeling like a loser. or alone. or that I can't be a legitimate person for a given stretch of time.

Studious

Might as well. It's not that hard. Just do it.

attitudes that I've never quite really had or even understood. Hmmm...kind of a problem. Especially when I'm so close to getting a degree in which I have put a lot of work. I once read a blog post by someone who said that she walked out on a lease in her apartment when she had 2 weeks left. I didn't really understand it at the time but then, as the end of my undergraduate career at SF state gets closer, I can see where she's coming from. I might need a break. Or just to give up. Or something. Not really sure at this point. So many conflicting ideas, mindsets, classes for next semester. I just want to be done with it all. Of course I care about my future. Money is important but it's not everything. And it's certainly not important enough for this.

Shot

Kaput. Just done. To' up.

A feeling that is oddly similar to having blown your lips out when playing trumpet. Right now, I feel as though I can't do anything. I have no motivation to do things that aren't fun or immediately rewarding. This is frightening to me, as school is not yet over. Unfortunately. It really is like playing with an overtired embouchure. I feel fine when I'm not trying to do anything. Nothing really hurts or anything. But the second I get ready to do anything interesting or difficult, nothing. No sound. No music. Nothing. Just blahhhhhhhh...