I can't have it both ways.

But, of course some people do go both ways. I notice that I am happy with nothing to write about. Actually, that is not true. More accurately, I have nothing to write about when I am happy. Notice, last month my inscriptions were proliferous. This month, as happy as it has begun, has begun to cause my musing to dwindle. It's not as though I don't have as many thoughts. Maybe it's just that I think they aren't as worthy? Or that when I am melancholy, my introspeciton yields more fruitful ideas? Hmmm...
I notice at present more than ever the balance in my life. It is so obviously here. I had a happy weekend, a mediocre week beginning and now my week is becoming less than wonderful. I fear that I am going to have to quit LYRIC. It's too much to handle. It makes me feel like I've failed something. Even though I know that logistically what I set out to do was nearly impossible. I fear that I am going back on my word. I have attempted to better my life and sever myself fromt the Attractive Play going companion but, again: Not so sure. I won't talk to him. And it's most likely that he won't talk to me. Moot point. I can't have it both ways.
I want to be happy and lead a successful life. But, for some reason, I find that teenage angst while I can still "enjoy" it is much easier. It's less of a struggle to be melancholy. I suppose it's just the person that I am. I'm finally "Okay", I believe. Okay in the most connotative sense of the word. I'm alright. Fine. Not great. Not bad. Just Okay.