To Apathy

Well.



That sucked. I played Arban #11 at this scholarship dinner thinger. I had literally 30 seconds to warm up and it sounded like shit. As in really, really bad. So bad that afterwards my very own mother came up to me and said "thats the worst you've ever played it". Which is very, very true. I think I played it better in december than i did tonight. But, the worst part is that only a small part of me actually cares. The least I could have done is put on a good performance for these people because they did give me $500 of scholarship money. But, I really have very little regard.



I'm a horrible, moody, disinterested person.



Why am I in such a bad mood? Probably because today was very trying. Not so much fun, today was. Trying to get that fucking BYU thing mailed priority. Discovering that mailing it priority isn't allowed. So, I find out if I have failed next week. Which means No college para mi. Trying to get some money into a credit card like thing so I can maybe be put on a waiting list for housing that I probably won't be able to afford. To the college I may or may not be going to. No fucking wonder i'm still sick. My immune system has been essentially kicked in the balls by all of this stress. End of the year is SO much fun....
I really don't feel like going to school. Ever again.
Tomorrow, I am SO not wasting time with trying to look like I give a shit.
Sweats are amazing. Life right now is not.

I have decided

to stay home today.
but, more importantly I have decided

to be more decisive
to get what I want in life
to tell people what's going on

yes.

I have decided all of these things in a period of about 2 days. It's just a matter of implementation.

Today, I have to go to the post office to mail that stupid BYU P.E. credit thing. And i didn't feel like taking off work just so I would be able to walk to the post office in time. School just didn't fit in with my ideas for the day. So, I didn't go.
I also have a scholarship awards dinner. Which means that I should probably get my trumpet...which is at school...
hmmm....
I don't want to go, really.
But, I suppose I have to.
Isn't that always how it is?

Their presence

irritates me. To a degree which I didn't think possible. My uncle, my little brother's "sister", his nephew (!) and my mother's baby daddy. All here and all unnecessarily so. I wish I could sequester myself into the room that I don't have.

whatever

And, my dad (whom I haven't seen in a while) is going to be too busy to deal with me. My sister is going on a Job interview and her step mom is coming along. It seems the only people that need to be involved in our situations right are Mom and Dad. I need Mom to -finally- talk to Dad, about paying for my housing registration. But, he needs to talk to my sister's step mom about the credit card. However, this might need to take a back seat to my sister's job interview.

It's not like I'll need a place to live while I'm in San Francisco anyways....

It would be very nice if I could somehow afford all of these things that aren't exactly frivolities.
but, hey

i can do without, right?

and here I am

On a saturday. Bored as hell. At the computer. Wondering, Why me?

It's really my fault. I have no friends. Actually, yes I do. But, they're all busy. And here I am.

I should have just gone. Today was Nipomo Heritage Day. It would have been fun. I would have enjoyed myself. But, naturally I said no. It's because i'm a loser.

It's not because I am anti-social. Because I thought home was better. Now i sit, bored with life. And bored with whats going on. You would think I'd be bored. Which is very true, I am. But, I guess I wanted solitude?

No, thats definitely not the right answer. Maybe it's because the house is empty. Nana, mom and Pop-pops are all gone. It means I am able to reign. And listen to my own music Loudly. Sit here and type without being watched. Not have to deal with all of them. And write weird sequential number order blogs.

Incentives?

I got a pen! With my name on it!! In recognition for my service to jazz band, I won the Titan award for this area. And it was fun. Even thought i effed up on the last song. "In the mood" is not so great for me....especially the end. But, I digress. The end of the year is fast approaching. I'm done with AP tests. I'm almost done with performances. Next Monday will be my last Nipomo High School Wind Ensemble Concert.
*tear*...
but, really. I'm SO excited for this year to be over. As long as BYU hurries the hell up with that P.E. test thing. I should be good. It would be most convenient for me to graduate. But, in effect, school is over on monday. We're watching movies in all of the classes that don't matter. And we're pretty much done rehearsing for band and jazz band. Yep. I'm done with that.

Excursion and Exultation

This amazing view is from the tower at the De Young art museum. It is amazing venues like this that i will be able to partake of when I go to San Francisco State University. The City is SO amazing. The reason I was there was because I had a $5,000 dollar scholarship to accept at an awards dinner (which had good company but, bad food). Oh, and randomly they gave me $100 dollars for banana republic........because of course, i shop there all the time. Still, it was nice to think about. I suppose I want to dress for success. Haha. Anyways, Mrs. Kandel is pretty much one of the most awesome people/teachers/mentors on the planet. I thank her very much for taking me. And my mommy for letting Mrs. Kandel go instead of her. It was a great experience.

Unnecessary

I have so many unnecessary things to do.
Paradoxical?
Stupid.
Scenario: I have AP testing next week. Grueling 3 hour tests that wring the knowledge out your brain, painfully. Have been "preparing" for them for the entire year. and in preparation for them. Arianne, my painfully stupid english teacher, decided that now is the appropriate time to assign a seven to ten page research paper. An AP irrelevant paper. A paper that has nothing to do with testing. It's so intensely unnecessary that I can't begin to describe each individual unnecessary facet. MLA format, individual due dates for different parts, Arianne's confused description of a concession paragraph....
Not needed. Not helping. Not a good idea.
Plus, I believe I have overbooked this weekend. A Prom that would be "awkward", Driving lessons that I might miss that I can't reschedule And a trip to San Francisco. Whoo!