Recapitulation

So, I've had a good weekend, and I just got paid ($230!!!) and I'm sure I did fairly well on my midterm and I'm not terribly exhausted after my longest day of the week. I should be having a good time, right?
I can't help but think about everything. I think about things way too much, you know? I think about how strange it is to think that he doesn't care. It's strange to think about how he could be reading this right now. I don't know how I feel about that, though. Another strange thing: I said I didn't want him to read my blog but, I would be oddly satisfied to know that he did. I'm not sure if all of the things I said to him are true. But, I'm also broadening the scope to think about other strange things because I've become more contemplative and introspective, recently. I give consideration to past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I think: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being empathetic. To one person in particular: I'm sorry. I didn't know it could hurt this intensely.
I don't know what I want. How pathetic, right? So indecisive. Whatever. I know that I am NOT actively pursuing a relationship. With anyone. As of this turn of events, I am no longer going to waste time and energy on such a volatile endeavor. It's not good for my psychological well being.
But, the band will play on, right? As cliche as it sounds. I think that it's begun in a minor key. The significance of this being that not all minor keys are "sad" (look it up, it's true) I'd like to reach the fanfare eventually. I'll get past the second movement because second movements are always No. 2. haha. And now for some crescendo. Do something. Anything. Just do it differently.

And the band plays on

Hah. The band that plays the soundtrack of my life had reached a caesura, I think. But now, It will slowly begin to play molto lento. At least for the time being. I have a Music Theory midterm tomorrow in case you couldn't tell. I've been studying scales and terms for hours now. It should benefit me, because I believe that I have a B in the class and would like an A. It's the reason I'm attending SFSU, I should at least have a good grade in Music. All in all, I would say that today has been productive. I studied, wrote an outline for speech, revised a philosophy paper (despite my philosphy teachers less than helpful comments) and got a scholarship letter in order. Yes, I should say that it has been fairly productive. Although, I didn't get to go outside today. It was a lovely day, too. Not windy and rainy and tempestuously indecisive like it usually is. I was on the phone with my friend from Nipomo and he was describing to me how warm the wind is back home. I miss the smell of leaves dying. I miss the warm wind and Autumn aura. I would like very much to be at home, if only for a night. I should look into that...The Roommate seems to be going back every other weekend, I should just catch a ride with her. It would be nice to go home and sleep, eat and talk.

I was in need of a good day

and I'm fairly sure that I got it. I went to bed at 9 and woke up around 10:30. Which pretty much doubled the hours of sleep that I've gotten this week. I hung out with my Long Lost Twin. She and I are so very, very similar it's almost scary. We're both black and Mexican, We both lived with our grandmothers, we're both weird. And that's how we like it! haha. But, anyways, We hung out and went to see Thelma Houston at Amoeba records. It was quite strange and very brief but good. She wore a very amusing hat of feathers that I didn't get a picture of, unfortunately. I need to go to more concerts at Amoeba. Two is not enough!
So, after the concert, we went to a lovely little deli where I had vegetarian duck for the first time. It was delicious. And then (and this is the highlight of my day) we happened upon a pile of free clothes! And they were my size!! As funny as it sounds, it seems like Fate was showing me that it's not always going to be bad. It's always going to be RANDOM. And I suppose for now, i'm okay with that. I got free fucking clothes! Pictures will eventually ensue, don't you worry!
After that, we got on the wrong bus to come home and ended up taking the long way home... Haha. It was good though. I have also done some studying for my Music Theory Midterm and done a load of laundry. T'was very productive. Weekends are amazing.

Why, okay?! Why? Okay. Why, Okay!

He's okay with that. I am too. The thing that i'm not okay with is the fact that it happened so spur of the moment. and that he's okay with it. and that I'm okay with it. It was a lot of awkward silence, talking about nothing, and finally deciding after a single response that I never want to see him ever again. He told me "whatever I want"
NO.
not whatever I want. Obviously, I don't always get what I want. And I don't know how to react to that. So, I acted rashly. I'm just depressing and depressed.
But, I realize that I don't really need to be around him if he doesn't want to be around me. I'm just done with it. So, I've resolved to have really awkward Fridays and never speak to him again. I've learned from it but, I really wish I had never met him.

My corporate Identity

Yep. I've been reduced to a number. I'm Walker #57 with California Overnight. It's quite boring and requires a lot of memorization or routes and whatnot. Oh well, at least I'll probably be able to make rent this month. Probably. The introduction of this new aspect of my life requires a lot of thought and scheduling. I need to balance School, This Job, GLAM and the LYRIC internship. In that order. The only problems really are days that they bleed over into each other. Like Monday evenings when LYRIC ends at 7:30 and my philosophy class starts at 7:00. Or friday when my shift with Cal Overnight ends at 10:30 but, my Communications class starts at 9:00. I really hope I don't have to make a decision between one of the four things and another. Oh, and did I mention I'm considering double majoring? Communications is really interesting and opens up a lot more job prospects than just being a Music Major. I'll make that decision next semester, I think. Right now I've got far too much on my plate.

And I keep imagining

What the future will be like. It's kind of murky...I see myself making possibly enough money with these jobs. I see myself possibly being happy. I see myself being more adult. I envision coldness but, it doesn't bother me. Why would I care if I'm jaded?
For some reason, I don't imagine that My attractive Play going companion will be completely out of the picture, which is somewhat alarming. It's so strange to be full of all of my hurt and still think of him. I'm unsure of whether or not to enact these divinatory musings...It would be so much easier to be true to my cruel nature and cut him out. It would be better for me. It would be better for him. I think I should. I don't know. I keep imagining my life and who and what will be part of it. It's best to have foresight in these matters but, why can't I just decide when it comes time? I believe I will.

I hate being right

I hate+ and hate-} and (hate).
It's true, once I started living here my emotions have become more clear. More intense and vivid. Hmmm...
I'm sitting here on a lovely saturday morning and trying (and failing) to learn a sad song on the piano. I just woke up and I feel as though I got too much sleep. But, too much consciousness is just as bad. if not worse. Ha, i'm such a sleep whore.

I shouldn't give my heart to just anyone because you don't know what the fuck they're going to do with it.
She was right.
Beautiful boys who write poetry for me are nothing but trouble.
I was right.
He'll never give me a second glance.
I was right.
Agh,
But enough about that. I'm forbidding myself to writing more blogs about this...okay possibly one more. It is quite therapeutic. So, anyways
I would like very much for my Mom and Little Brother to come visit me (hint, hint *wink*)
And I don't know exactly how my finances are going to work out but, I suppose I'll figure that out when The Roommate returns from her silly escapist tantrum. I start working my other job on Tuesday! Should be fun, right?
It's quite a weird mood that I'm in as of late. Oh well, I can always cheer myself up with...ummm...yeah. I'm in San Francisco, what is there to do on a Saturday?
Oh, and in completely unrelated news, I'm only 17 for another 22 days! 'Tis good for me to overcome the arbitrary barrier. Then i'll be able to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. My favorite!

What am I going to do?