I'm glad, but

it's not the sort of glad that comes effortlessly. I did buy that mp3 player so, the music is back. Which I feel was a necessity, really. My computer is officially broken. As in, $300 dollars worth of broken. I might as well buy a new one. I'm thinking one with a really long warranty so that if it breaks, I can replace it. This poor monstrosity is done with.
*sigh*
I'm not at school which is kind of a good thing right now. I didn't practice for Ear Training, I didn't do my Counterpoint homework and I haven't prepared well enough for my lesson. Wonderful. I also have an advising appointment and a duo scene to do in Oral Interp. Which is basically the only reason I've even decided to go to school today. I would like very much for this part of my life to be over now. Thanks.

at least

I've been reading my posts and reminiscing about how much I've changed in the past 7 months. It's subtle in some ways and MAJOR in others. I'm still crazy. I'm still a sober kick in the pants, I think. Most of all, I'm still me. This is something that for better or worse will never change. But, I've gotten better at some things. Like Singing. And Spanish. And the Trumpet ^.^
That's good. I think it's interesting that I haven't posted a blog with the title "at least" before. It seems like that is one theme that I've revisited time and time again. This mood that I'm in where I feel like I have nothing to say so I'll say "at least....."
At least I still have an apartment.
At least I got paid on Tuesday
At least I'm getting in shape
At least the school year is almost over
Why do I feel like I have to focus on the good things? Is it because there are so many bad things present? If Life were all good, focusing on it would seem kind of redundant. Oh well. I suppose it's an indicator of what's going on because right now, focusing on the frustrating things seems redundant.
At least I'm going to see about having my computer fixed tomorrow.
At least I might buy an mp3 player tomorrow
At least I don't have to perform my duo scene until Wednesday
...I can't really think of anything else. Is it a sign?

The weekend

I want it back. It was warm. It was lovely. I didn't do ANYTHING. And it was quite enjoyable. Okay, that's a lie. It was enjoyable but, I also did several things. I just now finished a 4 page paper on the performance that I have to give tomorrow in Oral Interp. It should go....alright, I guess. It wasn't as warm today. Just like it wasn't as fun. I think the temperature lately correlates to my mood. Honestly, last night was quite blissful. I walked around in pants, flip-flops and a shirt. No jacket, no nothing. Ate free pizza and hung out with my friend. Good times. Then today was...a less than mediocre practice session, a mediocre concert and then coming home and doing homework...which was also swamped with mediocrity. It's effervescent, this cloud of mediocrity. Oh, the double meaning.

It's WARM

I'm pretty sure that if anything was going to lighten my mood it's this. It's about 75 degrees in my room and it's deliciously sunny. I've decided that I'm going to take a nap in the sunlight. Finally, my room (which was formerly a "sun" room) is going to be used for it's purpose. I'm not saying that I'm completely happy but, I can definitely say that I'm going to be a little better.

I want it to stop

So, to continue the trend of horribly depressing blogs I've been writing lately, I thought I'd go with this one. I'm not enjoying myself any longer. It's official. I'm still thinking about my friend but, now I have the added guilt of not going to her funeral. AND not wanting to call my friends in Arkansas to talk about it. It's just too depressing. I'm a selfish bastard. I want to be there...just not enough, I suppose. I still hate work, of course but now School is pissing me off as well. Choir is too much work. I didn't go to rehearsal last night. And no, it didn't make me feel better. I'd like to be at home right now, using my (broken) computer to write this but, I'm in the school library waiting for my class at 4 to start. I'm really hungry but, I didn't bring as much food as I should have this morning. I'm tired and I didn't get much sleep which was wonderful today because I had two tests. One of which I know I royally fucked up on. And my lesson which was quite possibly the most demeaning that I have ever had. I should just go home but, it's one of those things about school that bothers me: if I miss 2 more days of this class, my grade goes down. And I plan on missing a lot more than 2 in the coming weeks...
I'd also like to not have to worry about things for a little while but, then that would be too easy now wouldn't it? There's really nothing I can do. So I should quit my bitching and keep going. That seems to be the point in my life that I reach time and time again. It's ever so boring.

Wonderful.

Honestly, it needs to stop now. I've quite had it. This part of my life is not going so well, and I don't know why. I keep spending and not making money. I keep eating WAAAYYY too much food. There's this lovely black abyss where the bottom half of my computer screen used to be. I'm fairly sure I'm going to fail at least one of the tests that I have on Wednesday. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
It needs to stop.

No.

I just don't want it to have happened. Today needs to be erased from the annals of history. On top of the other things that make me want to just stop and give in, I've just received some horrible news. My friend is dead. Nothing else. She's not alive, she's not a musician, she's not laughing, she's not hardcore, she's just gone. I'm really sad that I didn't get to talk to her recently. I'll never be able to again. And I have to get up and go to school and rehearsal and live my life tomorrow? It's not fair. So, I suppose I'll curl up into a ball and ignore my obligations and try to make it go away.