Internal Power

It's a concept taught to me by the same awesome motivational lesbian who taught me that every relationship should be a reflection of how wonderful I am. It means that I rule my universe. The opposite, External power, is what I've been operating under for most of my life. It means that the universe controls me. I've been so overwhelmed by all of the bad things that I'd forgotten my pragmatic nature. The glass is a container with liquid in it, Gian. Remember.
I keep seeing him. Everything reminds me of him. I thought it was the universe trying to remind me of what I don't have. Right when I thought I was on the home stretch, between The M and the 33 on my way home, I was obsessing about everything. And then I saw the Lesbian and Gay Freedom Band. The Band that we both used to be a part of. The Band that he was marching with. As if I needed an entire marching band (complete with Kim boyd, Drum major extraordinaire) to announce his consistent presence in my life. HA!
I took this as a sign. Not that I need to see him or speak to him. But, that every time I talk to him, I am reminded of how inconsiderate and ignorant of my feelings he is. It's just where he's at. He doesn't know, He doesn't care enough to try. He doesn't want to give up what he thinks will make him happy. He's doing the best he can with what he's got. So, I've decided that every time I see him, it's going to be a reminder of how strong I can be. And how everything that I'm facing and dealing with right now is an opportunity for me to learn and get stronger.

I rule my fucking universe.

Hugs and Kisses!
Gian

March Forth

Today, I had a concert. It went well even though last night I didn't get much sleep because of the house bagging and packing and moving and guilting me into doing things. I made the mistake of talking to him because he looked upset about something. Whats that? Do I sense a breakthrough? Some reflection or accountability? Nope. He just wants to be able to say "hi". He doesn't want to feel ignored.
It must feel awful to be abandoned. To feel like you have nobody. To see that everyone else is content and just fine without you. It must feel like you're dead on the inside and that you don't matter at all and that every time you see their happiness you want to vomit and fall asleep and never wake up. I wonder what that's like?
But, all that aside, more importantly: My family got the extension!!! 120 days from now is so much better than 45. I'm really happy for them. I'm still going home this spring break but, that it's not going to be so close to the deadline.
and I will be fine. I will go on. I will conquer.
It's going to happen. I am impatient and it will never happen fast enough but, it will eventually happen. I will get over him. I will realize that I do love myself. I will be a stronger person. The fucking bedbugs will go away. My family will be alright. I'm not putting any negative thoughts out there. It won't get worse. I thought that it's going to get darker before it gets lighter but, I'm getting that the road is darkest just before dawn.

Unpleasant?

Today, I woke up and decided to feel better. It was working really well, then a customer told me that i was unpleasant after I told her to have a nice day. Now, I'll be the first to admit to the fact that customer service is not my strong suit and I've had bad days in the past but, I don't think today was one of them. I literally said "Large coffee? $1.95.....thanks have a good day!" apparently my entire demeanor is arrogant. I apologized and went into the back room to adjust to the shock. That customer actually hurt my feelings. The only thing that I can say is that I don't mean to be arrogant. This whole thing kind of brought me down but also made me think that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. That counts for something, I think.

I'm so....

over it.
Angry, hurt, Outraged, disgusted.
I am.
Over it.
I feel like I'm done with this wallowing. Nobody can make me feel better but me. I just want to wake up tomorrow and decide to be in a good mood. How hard is that?
This could all change tomorrow. I feel like I'm done being hurt. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get even. I'm just going to be done with feeling hurt. So, he's not sorry. So, he doesn't know what he's doing. He lacks the capacity to feel empathy and understand where I'm coming from. It's okay. It's going to be fine.
I'm not mad even though it's not fair.
I'm just done for right now.

I almost burst out laughing

It's ironic. It really is. All this time I've been trying to "live in the now" and not focus on the future. That strategy obviously wasn't working and isnt going to anymore because "the now" SUCKS. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Oh, funny funny. To maintain my sanity and composure, I've taken to thinking towards the future. Oh it will be great. Remember in my second year of college when all of that horrible stuff was happening? Yeah that was awful but I'm happy now. I learned so much. I learned not to expect everyone you think you love to feel the same way. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned my family and friends are strong and there for me. I can't wait until I can say those things. I'm going to be able to smile again, I hope. Bigger than before.
This sounds grand and whatnot but, how does it apply to this week? Every time I call home or every time I go near our lockers? I have to plan small scale: Tomorrow, I will appreciate my life and that it's not a lot worse. I will do well in my classes. I will call Mom and we'll talk about good things. I acknowledge but, cant be consumed by the pain.

Value Systems

So, I posted a blog before this with the same title. I didn't really agree with what I was saying so, I deleted it.
I'm struggling with my answers to the questions I have asked:

Q. How can he do this?
A. He just wants to be happy and have fun. He doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person.

and with that, I can't fault him. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wasn't alone. I didn't want to think of myself as a bad person and I'm so glad that I don't anymore. I'm not entirely sure that he's not doing this maliciously. He's said that he cares. I don't believe it. He's said that he wants to be friends. But, I don't deserve friends who aren't sorry when what they're doing is fucked up. But, it doesn't matter because I'm an extraordinary machine.

Q. Why do I need other people's validation?
A. Because I give people more power than I should. Nobody should be able to make me feel inferior without my consent. I guess I walk around handing out my consent.
I hung out with an attractive friend last night. Nothing happened because I'm not as promiscuous anymore. I'm slowly learning that I don't need to be in a relationship because it doesn't necessarily make me happy.

Everything that my unhappiness stems from is people with value systems different than I. When someone betrays you, does not apologize, continues to hurt and hurt and hurt. It's wrong. I know this. I guess it's upsetting when people don't agree with me. I know that I'm worth it. I know that I deserve better than this. People seem to disagree.

Q. Why can I love myself?
A. I'm talented, attractive, smart and not a hurtful or mean person. This question is a lot easier to answer.

Again, Fridays are hard

I think it's so funny that I've come back to this place. Only now I feel it's so much worse. At least with the attractive play going companion, I wouldn't see him every goddamned day. I especially wouldn't see him with another person, either. I also wouldn't see his friends and how much they don't care about what he's doing. This friday was really difficult. Not just because I didn't see him but, because of random computer bullshit. Thinking too much about everything. If all human nature tends toward healing and health, why do I want to do things that would destroy me? Part of me wants to call him. All of the time. Another huge part of me wants to try so hard to find someone else and forget about it. This is even more destructive. Why should I need someone else to feel okay? I feel so weak and stupid that I just want someone to hold me and kiss me and love me and tell me that it's okay. I know that this doesn't make anything better. It's escaping and "just having fun" without any thought for how it affects me as a person. I'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than that.