Love. Life.

I'm trying so hard to be happy. Or at least content. If I can manage it right now, when my life finally turns around I'll be so good. I'm remembering so many people love me. Even if they're not here right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Some random homeless person stole all of our money, a camera and attacked my roommate because he took his computer back. We really dont need this right now. I really dont need this right now. All I can think about is how he's waking up right now. Probably with his new boyfriend and he's content and not thinking about me at all. I'm thinking about how my mom wants me to come back and spend every last moment I can with my family. And how I want to so bad. I'm trying to be strong and remembering that I need help. I'm human. I'm flawed. I'm working it out.

Lament and Triumph

So accurate. So good! i went to the symphony last night with a friend and I could not for the life of me figure out what "Trionfe" translated to in English. I had an epiphany just as they played the opening chord of the last movement. Triumph! It makes sense. This was a symphonic poem by Ravel about a queer guy who had a horrible experience. The very last note was a beautiful, clear high note from the brass section accompanied by the rest of the symphony. Simply amazing. I couldn't help but, think that it was supposed to be our anniversary, the last time I was at the symphony it was to see the Canadian Brass, him, him, him. But, I know that I'll look back on that night and remember the Ligeti Requiem and how sad I felt because of it. Not him. I'll remember Martha Argerich and her amazing grey hair. Not him. Sure, i'm sad right now. And that's okay. I'm learning that it takes time. And that I can develop patience. I'm in a valley right now. I feel strangely and can't stop thinking about horrible things. But, this is the best valley I've had. I haven't lost sight of the fact that I am a success story waiting to happen.

Internal Power

It's a concept taught to me by the same awesome motivational lesbian who taught me that every relationship should be a reflection of how wonderful I am. It means that I rule my universe. The opposite, External power, is what I've been operating under for most of my life. It means that the universe controls me. I've been so overwhelmed by all of the bad things that I'd forgotten my pragmatic nature. The glass is a container with liquid in it, Gian. Remember.
I keep seeing him. Everything reminds me of him. I thought it was the universe trying to remind me of what I don't have. Right when I thought I was on the home stretch, between The M and the 33 on my way home, I was obsessing about everything. And then I saw the Lesbian and Gay Freedom Band. The Band that we both used to be a part of. The Band that he was marching with. As if I needed an entire marching band (complete with Kim boyd, Drum major extraordinaire) to announce his consistent presence in my life. HA!
I took this as a sign. Not that I need to see him or speak to him. But, that every time I talk to him, I am reminded of how inconsiderate and ignorant of my feelings he is. It's just where he's at. He doesn't know, He doesn't care enough to try. He doesn't want to give up what he thinks will make him happy. He's doing the best he can with what he's got. So, I've decided that every time I see him, it's going to be a reminder of how strong I can be. And how everything that I'm facing and dealing with right now is an opportunity for me to learn and get stronger.

I rule my fucking universe.

Hugs and Kisses!
Gian

March Forth

Today, I had a concert. It went well even though last night I didn't get much sleep because of the house bagging and packing and moving and guilting me into doing things. I made the mistake of talking to him because he looked upset about something. Whats that? Do I sense a breakthrough? Some reflection or accountability? Nope. He just wants to be able to say "hi". He doesn't want to feel ignored.
It must feel awful to be abandoned. To feel like you have nobody. To see that everyone else is content and just fine without you. It must feel like you're dead on the inside and that you don't matter at all and that every time you see their happiness you want to vomit and fall asleep and never wake up. I wonder what that's like?
But, all that aside, more importantly: My family got the extension!!! 120 days from now is so much better than 45. I'm really happy for them. I'm still going home this spring break but, that it's not going to be so close to the deadline.
and I will be fine. I will go on. I will conquer.
It's going to happen. I am impatient and it will never happen fast enough but, it will eventually happen. I will get over him. I will realize that I do love myself. I will be a stronger person. The fucking bedbugs will go away. My family will be alright. I'm not putting any negative thoughts out there. It won't get worse. I thought that it's going to get darker before it gets lighter but, I'm getting that the road is darkest just before dawn.

Unpleasant?

Today, I woke up and decided to feel better. It was working really well, then a customer told me that i was unpleasant after I told her to have a nice day. Now, I'll be the first to admit to the fact that customer service is not my strong suit and I've had bad days in the past but, I don't think today was one of them. I literally said "Large coffee? $1.95.....thanks have a good day!" apparently my entire demeanor is arrogant. I apologized and went into the back room to adjust to the shock. That customer actually hurt my feelings. The only thing that I can say is that I don't mean to be arrogant. This whole thing kind of brought me down but also made me think that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. That counts for something, I think.

I'm so....

over it.
Angry, hurt, Outraged, disgusted.
I am.
Over it.
I feel like I'm done with this wallowing. Nobody can make me feel better but me. I just want to wake up tomorrow and decide to be in a good mood. How hard is that?
This could all change tomorrow. I feel like I'm done being hurt. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get even. I'm just going to be done with feeling hurt. So, he's not sorry. So, he doesn't know what he's doing. He lacks the capacity to feel empathy and understand where I'm coming from. It's okay. It's going to be fine.
I'm not mad even though it's not fair.
I'm just done for right now.

I almost burst out laughing

It's ironic. It really is. All this time I've been trying to "live in the now" and not focus on the future. That strategy obviously wasn't working and isnt going to anymore because "the now" SUCKS. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Oh, funny funny. To maintain my sanity and composure, I've taken to thinking towards the future. Oh it will be great. Remember in my second year of college when all of that horrible stuff was happening? Yeah that was awful but I'm happy now. I learned so much. I learned not to expect everyone you think you love to feel the same way. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned my family and friends are strong and there for me. I can't wait until I can say those things. I'm going to be able to smile again, I hope. Bigger than before.
This sounds grand and whatnot but, how does it apply to this week? Every time I call home or every time I go near our lockers? I have to plan small scale: Tomorrow, I will appreciate my life and that it's not a lot worse. I will do well in my classes. I will call Mom and we'll talk about good things. I acknowledge but, cant be consumed by the pain.