Weekend

WAIT.


WHAT??!!!!

It's true. I have a weekend. As in, the end of the week. Typically categorized by most people as the opportunity to relax and not do whatever it is that you usually do during the week. I had taken for granted the fact that I am never to have one of these things so long as school is in session and my job with Peet's still exists. But, lo and behold: here it is. I have two (count them) TWO whole days where I don't have to be in any one specific place. It is SO awesome. Similarly to the feeling of not being depressed after wanting to not be alive for so long, the feeling of having nowhere to be and no constraints on my time is beautiful. I got out of bed when I felt like it today. I practiced at a leisurely pace. Now, because it is getting nearer to finals, I've spent most of the day doing homework and starting and finishing projects. Which is fine with me. School is what I came to San Francisco for. If only I could have these weekend things more often. Maybe I could actually do fun stuff next time?

V for vulnerable

Today, while consuming a delicious cous-cous, feta, artichoke salad, I had an epiphany.

Love who I truly am, because I can't change it.

Something that I have struggled with in the past and might struggle with tomorrow is the concept that everything is exactly how it should be.I guess I'm slightly okay with that for this moment in time. I'd rather be descriptive than prescriptive. The concept of "good" times and "bad" times is something from which I'd like to distance myself. Why indulge in a system that clearly doesn't benefit me?
So. To love me, I have to know me. hmm...
A huge part of who I really am is that I am sensitive. I feel, I have made myself vulnerable and been hurt and acted out of that hurt and hurt others and hurt myself. But just like that saying, Getting hurt is a part of me (inevitably) but BEING hurt has nothing to do with me or who I am.
Yes. I have feelings. A lot of them. An obnoxious, unnecessary, overwhelming, stupid, debilitating amount at times.
I must acknowledge my vulnerability. It only hurts worse to fight and I think I'm done suffering.

Ugh...

Can't go on. Must no longer type.
Spent the longest time in the practice room tonight.
Am now writing a speech for Oceanography. Oh, the horror...
Wish me luck for the next two weeks.
I need it.

It can't come quickly enough

The horrible pain in my chest is finally subsiding. That is one of the best feelings I've had so far. There are moments (short consecutive bursts of them) where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. One of the funny things about depression is the one of the only reason everything is beautiful is BECAUSE nothing hurts. Days when I don't want to kill myself are wonderful, amazing, near-perfect. According to Jewish folks, Buddhists, and my teacher David Xiques: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I touched on it in the back of my mind but, I feel like I suffer because I hold on to the pain because I think it shouldn't be happening. The shock and outrage and unfairness of it all doesn't change the fact. Yes. I was hurt. But, I don't deserve to feel this way anymore and the simple fact of knowing that it won't be always is very, very comforting. I was under the impression that it would last forever. hm. Light at the end of the tunnel...fading...growing..growing?...wait it actually exists?...weird...
So, that's been my life. If only I could make it through until the 22nd unscathed. With minimal effort. Of course I want to be able to relax and read and not run myself ragged and into the ground. I'm looking for happiness and I swear I'll be it this time.
So, patience is one of the many virtues I wasn't blessed with. I always want it now, now, now. If only I was satisfied with what I have instead of wanting what I don't. Changing myself is proving to be slightly less difficult than changing the world.

What does that have to do with me?

So far, I've been trying to quash the everpresent ego I have surrounding the hurtful things in my life. The question I must bear in mind: "what does any of that have to do with me or my worth or my true self?" So, you're not attracted to me? So, you think I'm a bad person/worker/student/musician? So, you have some story about me that you've created and believe? Okay.

And?


I missed the part where you get to judge my validity. Now it makes sense, I think. I used to think that all these people knew something that I didn't. The whole handing out my consent to make me feel inferior. I get it now. Won't let it happen again.

I'm doing my best and trying my hardest. I'm being myself and if it's not good enough for anyone else that's unfortunate but I've done everything I can.
It's kind of liberating to realize: not everything is about me.

Procrastinate with Productivity

So that's what I've decided to do. Today is a day where I have done a lot of things all topsy-turvy and tried not to think about things and done things and not done things. I've begun to think about my problems a little less. I've always been only somewhat committed to getting rid of them for whatever reason. I feel like right now, I'm willing to make everything at least tolerable. Everything seems to be overwhelming which is kind of why this procrastination with productivity is working out so well. Don't like writing that essay? Do some laundry! Don't want to go home and practice? Go grocery shopping instead! It also helps that I had one of my rare "good" mood-swings. I feel right now that Life is a game and I'm willing to play for the time being. Sometimes, I'm not. But right now it would seem that I am the only player who is willing to follow the script I have written.

May

Too many thoughts on my mind...

It's May. Only 3 weeks left until Summer. Whoo

I'm still not over him. All of the problems that plagued me during February are slowly going away. I've moved. My family has 1.5 months left in their house.

I want to be happy. I'm the cause (in one way or another) for everything that bothers me

My therapist sees me in my upswings which makes me think that I'm okay when I talk to him. I know there will eventually come a time when I'm severely not okay and I don't know what to do about it.

I'd like to live in this moment. And be okay in this moment.

I've been thinking pretty hard about going to Spain during the beginning of August. I don't have enough money. I might have to quit my job then. BUT Life is too short to hate it.

I have way too much shit to do. I want to relax and read and not stress and not break down.

All the questions simply beget more questions. I must stay curious. The only problem I have is when I succumb to the misery. When I say: 'I don't want to ask or know at all because it's too painful."
Apparently, the question is the answer.