Tried out Trumpets

That went well. Although it might mean that I have to either buy

a new better trumpet or stick with my current (too-bright) trumpet. Neither of which are entirely appealing. Other than that I bought a costume today and Studied like a mutha'

I also finished an epic essay. And another essay.

And a response to some essays my peers wrote (kind of poorly)

So, my Sexual Identities and Communications professor appreciates my contributions in class. So much so, that she thinks I might have potential as her instructional assistant next year. That was a really awesome compliment, I think. The guy who is the TA for our class right now is a genius. If she thinks I can hang with him, I know I'm at least trying to do something right. 

And that's that. I'm still studying a bit for this Music history test that I'm probably not goingt to do that well on. And getting ready for my week. I'm really glad today was a furlough day even though it means that the California Government is fucking up. It's the little things, ya know?

Feeling

exhausted. And somewhat unloved or unwanted or unworthy or something. Which I know isn't true but it is what it is. 

Today unfolded as any other might have. I had a midterm which I did well on. I practiced, got my phone replaced, did lots of homework in between classes, didn't go to work and had a performance that could have probably gone better. I feel kind of like I'm being reminded at every turn what I am not and what I don't have. I guess I'll just have to reinterpret the signals I'm being sent. Those people I need to validate myself? Not real or necessary. Having a tough time tonight but I suppose it will change. I guess I'll just keep going. 

All I want to do is practice

That's it. Not do homework or go to work. Just practice and improve my sound. I'm really motivated right now, which is frustrating because I have all of this stuff in the way. I really just want to improve my musicianship. I'm learning more and more that I'm definitely not where I need to be. I can get in a couple hours here and 45 minutes there. It's not enough. Thank goodness for the weekends and 5 hours a day of open practice rooms. Unbothered. Just me and my horn. 

Still alive

I wrote in my journal today. First time in almost two weeks. Where does the time go? 

Ugh. My lips are chapped. And I have a lesson tomorrow. I spent all day practicing. Strangely enough I can still make some good sounds with this affliction. My face hurts

People called me today. It was nice enough I suppose, but draining. I don't think I'm good at this being a real, live person thing. 

I'm content. 

Pick up the slack

I've been soooo busy. I can't stress how strange it's been not having the time to write, or call home, or relax. Anyways, I don't think I want to flesh this out into a full post. Just know that I'm not dead and trying to keep things going as smoothly as possible. Since my last post I have

Practiced (a LOT because I have a hardcore new teacher)

Studied

Worked

Registered for all of my 20 units

Been immensely frustrated by the 20th century theory class that I'm taking

Gotten the highest grade in the class on my aural exam for Music history

Purchased a pair of Tom's shoes

Received the good news that Blue eyes is going to make a double visit to the bay area in October

Received the bad news that my grandmother thinks that she's going to be able to stay in the 5 cities area

Been emotionally drained by talking to my mother about our lives

Barely spoken to my father

Gone on facebook a lot

Sung beautiful music

been told by my ear training teacher (in front of the class!) that I have a beautiful bass voice

tweaked my back from running

Been prescribed painkillers

Not gone to the gym

Gotten tested for HIV

and that's about it. In response to the question "How is it going?"

I usually reply "It's going"

I guess it's better than "It's stopping" Probably. I don't really know. I've never stopped before.

Beauty

"The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason."

-John Cage

I just thought that this was quite poignant. I've been really into John Cage's music lately. Which, I suppose is bad because I should be listening to music from the Early Middle Ages to prepare for that loathesome aural exam. By my subjective standards, I would describe today as a less than spectactular day. I started the essay for both Music History and Sexualities and Communications. I really feel like I'm getting a lot out of those classes but, somehow can't make it translate through my writing. UGH. This is why I'm a Music Major. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture....

Grumpy

Here I am, on a glorious 5 day long weekend with almost nothing to do. You would think that I'd be able to enjoy it, yes? Well, for whatever reason, I in a less than spectacular mood. Oh well...

I would like to go to the gym, pick up some books for school and then hang out with Blue eyes. However, I'm here essentially immobile because my back hurts from running yesterday and he is unfortunately 2,908 miles away. I think that my only valid course of action is to stay in bed and occasionally tweak my way into the kitchen to consume some of the free pastries (eh? eh?) that I got from work on thursday. Such is my life...