Did I have fun?

Yep.

Will I have fun?

Yep.

Am I having fun now? Well.....that's going to be a resounding NOPE.

School is almost over. I've essentially given up at everything. I doubt I'm going to retain my job, I'm not going to get an A in that unreasonable history class. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that winter break will be eventful. And mostly eventful in a good way, hopefully. 

So, that's about it as of now. I'm thinking of maybe considering the possibility of contemplating quitting school. It's that bad lately. No motivation and stuff. Oh well.

Oh, and I have a mohawk now. win? 

Toga Times Three

Tonight was the third night I've worn a toga. Wow. I'm really glad I just typed that sentence. Also, I went to safeway after (and during) said instance of toga wearing to buy the most magnifcent of all drinks: Eggnog. That is right. And I imbibed the Eggnog on public transportation in the thrice worn toga and it was glorious. These are reasons why my life is still worth living. Just checking. I need hugs. Hugs from boys, hugs from girls. Hugs from family and friends. Also cookies. Goodness, I'm tired. 

Not feelin' it

So, i think this post is different than my usual whiney rant. Or maybe not but, whatever. Nothing is wrong. It was my birthday on wednesday. I'm no longer a teenage dirtbag, baby. I'm doing okay in my classes, I think. I haven't been fired yet. That's pretty much where I'm at. I'm pretty sure I'm just not getting out of bed. Maybe not going to school for a few days will make me feel better. Oh, who am I kidding? I know I'll just drudge, drudge, drudge until December 20th. Oh well, only 44 for more days. And even less than that because of Thanksgiving break and furlough days. Yay

Tried out Trumpets

That went well. Although it might mean that I have to either buy

a new better trumpet or stick with my current (too-bright) trumpet. Neither of which are entirely appealing. Other than that I bought a costume today and Studied like a mutha'

I also finished an epic essay. And another essay.

And a response to some essays my peers wrote (kind of poorly)

So, my Sexual Identities and Communications professor appreciates my contributions in class. So much so, that she thinks I might have potential as her instructional assistant next year. That was a really awesome compliment, I think. The guy who is the TA for our class right now is a genius. If she thinks I can hang with him, I know I'm at least trying to do something right. 

And that's that. I'm still studying a bit for this Music history test that I'm probably not goingt to do that well on. And getting ready for my week. I'm really glad today was a furlough day even though it means that the California Government is fucking up. It's the little things, ya know?

Feeling

exhausted. And somewhat unloved or unwanted or unworthy or something. Which I know isn't true but it is what it is. 

Today unfolded as any other might have. I had a midterm which I did well on. I practiced, got my phone replaced, did lots of homework in between classes, didn't go to work and had a performance that could have probably gone better. I feel kind of like I'm being reminded at every turn what I am not and what I don't have. I guess I'll just have to reinterpret the signals I'm being sent. Those people I need to validate myself? Not real or necessary. Having a tough time tonight but I suppose it will change. I guess I'll just keep going. 

All I want to do is practice

That's it. Not do homework or go to work. Just practice and improve my sound. I'm really motivated right now, which is frustrating because I have all of this stuff in the way. I really just want to improve my musicianship. I'm learning more and more that I'm definitely not where I need to be. I can get in a couple hours here and 45 minutes there. It's not enough. Thank goodness for the weekends and 5 hours a day of open practice rooms. Unbothered. Just me and my horn. 

Still alive

I wrote in my journal today. First time in almost two weeks. Where does the time go? 

Ugh. My lips are chapped. And I have a lesson tomorrow. I spent all day practicing. Strangely enough I can still make some good sounds with this affliction. My face hurts

People called me today. It was nice enough I suppose, but draining. I don't think I'm good at this being a real, live person thing. 

I'm content.