THIS IS PUBLIC

and I would do well to remember that. A simple google search of my name can yield results that I hadn't realized that I was unprepared for. Oh well, it's all out in the open now. Everyone has access to this, including the folks I might be discussing. That's what I get for not respecting the power of the interwebs. It's a series of tubes, really. 

Thud.

So, I finished recording everything. I've ended up applying to the Atlantic Brass Seminar, the Menlo Summer Brass Institute and the Bar Harbor Brass week. As well as doing a live audition Tuesday for the National Orchestral Institute. It is what it is. I will play and be judged and what will come of it, I don't know. I hope I get in everywhere, though. That would be nice. My audition CD isn't spectacular, especially according to my teacher. Near the very end of the offstage solo to Pines of Rome there's some background noise from a woman opening and closing a door. At this point, I'm beyond caring. I'd like to go back to growing as a musician instead of freaking out about minor imperfections, take after take after take.

Can't Sleep.

So, I blog instead. I'm starting a pattern, I think. I've been starting those a lot lately. I started oil-pulling, going to the gym on a regular basis, going to school, and writing in my journal again. I hope all of these things are going to benefit me in the long run. Hoo boy, the long run. I think that's what is keeping me up at night. According to my horoscope and Rob Brezny, for the first half of 2010 my calling will whisper seductively as I go to sleep. It will agitate me with its rippling commands to spring into action. The whole deal is that I can't sleep because I'm obsessing over these damn summer program audition CDs that are due February 1st and the National Orchestral Institute audition on tuesday. And then I can start to think about getting back to fundamentals and my junior recital. And just think, this time next year I'll know where I'm going to grad school. Ugggghhhh I hope I'm ready. I hope I get it. I think tonight was a series of signs but, I've yet to interpret them. I don't know how to achieve my purpose. I know what it is but, I just don't know how to do it yet. Story of my life. I'll figure it out. I just have to set very clear goals. 

First Day of School

And naturally, I dressed up. 'Tis what I do. 

I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it through my mondays. I have class straight from 11:00am until 10:00pm. No breaks whatsoever. Everything else is golden and wonderful. Tomorrow is another day. I'll have gaps to converse with friends and eat and the like, but today not so much. 

Depressing lesson this morning (is it bad that I don't want to communicate with my teacher) I get oddly panicked when I get a text message every now and then, afraid that it's either my roommate with a passive aggressive plea for cleanliness or him with some new way of hounding me to be better than I am already.

 

I ate cookies today, after two weeks straight of gymmin' it up and eating right. I feel ambivalent. 

Also, saw a picture of my ex on the infamous book of faces. Hoping not to run into him during this school year. Or, ya know, ever. Really, Really now? It's been a year. Get the fuck over it already. 

Auditions in a week. I'll go and try my best. Trying to be positive. Apparently, it's "competitive out there" says my teacher who was out teaching master classes this whole break. 

I should probably go to sleep but, reading this HILARIOUS blog prompted me to write this somewhat erratic post in hopes that I can one day look back and laugh at how fucked up I was. 

Not taking any classes credit/no credit this semester. We'll see how that goes. 

And.....SCENE.

As long as I improve.

I hope that by the time comes to test my skills, I will be sufficient. I'm working as hard as I can to be ready. But if I continue to improve, there is nothing else that can be done or said. I'm still working on the recordings for the Bar Harbor and Menlo Park auditions. They're due Feb. 1st. I can do this. I know I can. 

Presently, I am drinking tea because I may or may not be getting sick. I won't talk about that anymore, lest it come true. I just practiced a lot and while I was doing so, totally forgot that it was thursday and that I had to be at church choir rehearsal. It's kinda sad because they're such nice church people, they called me after it was over. I hope it's still okay that I'm going to record there tomorrow...Oh well, I'll make it to the rehearsal before the service (eep!) on Sunday. And next rehearsal. Yep, I guess I'm a good church-going boy now. 

So i've been sitting here on my computer for the last day or so. Doing nothing.

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/discover/activity/ and www.facebook.com and http://ch131.com/

have become my temporary best friends. I managed to stumbleupon a few videos done by the folks at postsecret. They ask: If you could wake up anywhere you want, without limits, where would it be?

hm.

I thought that might have some significance but, ignored it and continued engaging in meaningless data consumption. And almost immediately I happened upon this blog post by Keri Smith (whom i vascillate between judging harshly and thinking of fondly)

http://www.kerismith.com/blog/archives/000521.html

the post outlines things you can do rather than shop. For me, the last item

10. write about the best gifts you've ever received. 

did little more than make me remember things that I have received and am apparently ungrateful for, as I can only call them "the best" by default. So, here I am. Laying in bed after the last day I've had before I have to go to work tomorrow, thinking: If I could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, it would probably be somewhere to be thankful for. Somewhere probably alone from everything and everyone. Preferably warm  and  sunny where I had no obligations, or future, or "need" for all of this. 

Somewhere fun.

Summer, already?!

Apparently, I'm behind. I've been frantically trying to learn excerpts, find a recording space, borrow a piccolo trumpet, and coordinate applications all for the opportunity to attend a summer program where I will gain valuable, marketable musicality. That's exciting and I want to do it. However, I don't think I'm as prepared as I probably should be. I mean, Music Academy of the West is really competitive. But, then I suppose they all are. I'm also applying to Aspen Music Festival, Brass at Menlo, Atlantic Brass Seminar and the Bar Harbor Brass week. Thankfully the last three applications aren't due for a little while. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of waiting for Aspen or MAOW. So, that's what I'm doing today. Tracking the loose ends, making things happen. I want this and I'm going to get it.