TWELVE

I have applied for twelve scholarships. Well, thirteen, really. But I already got a "no" back from them. It was upsetting. I should probably apply to another one because thirteen is an unlucky number...
Today I went to my study abroad interview, where they asked me all kindsa questions...questions like "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" ...well...because I had a performance right before this interview and things never seem to line up correctly. Incidentally, I also have no idea when Goethe was alive...or who the Prime minister of Germany is...which is unfortunate but there you are. So, now I have another thing to stress out about: did I get into the actual program? I can also ineffectively stress out about this which will be fun when I have other things to focus on. Like scholarship letters! I hate writing. I never sound even remotely like who I am as a person in anything. Even this blog....whatever. I need someone to proofread them but then I also don't want someone to find out how much of a huge douche I sound like when I write. Oh well. Whatever happens, happens.

Great day

I ran around Lake Merced today. It was a pleasant reminder that I'm not actually in terrible shape. It was a beautiful day and, because I woke up so early, I got to experience it. At work, I managed to get a lot of things done: Homework, Reading for classes (Including Audre Lorde's Power of the Erotic....amazing) Singing, applying for scholarships and Practicing Trumpet. And not even that managed to ruin my day. In fact, I played through my senior recital program and never got to the point where I had to stop due to fatigue. My biggest issue right now: Actually getting through everything. I came home and did laundry and cleaned my terrible, terrible room. The squalor was oppressive but now I feel somewhat clean. I'm also thinking about having to move and wanting to consolidate my stuff. I have SO much...and not much of it is actually necessary. Clothes. Books. EVERYWHERE.

so, yep. Today was a good one. I like where this is heading. My biggest stresser isn't that big. I can do it. I like this confident, capable feeling.

Things I want to hear

That I'm good enough. That what I say sounds like it makes sense. That I am musically talented enough to not end my trumpet-playing undergraduate career in shambles. That I'm worth finding attractive. That I'm a good friend. That I sing well. Comfortable silence.

Things I don't want to hear:

People talk about their successful love life. That I should work harder. People unaware of their own privilege or how much space they take up. Stupid questions whose answers can be found by using Google. My alarm at 7 am.

Getting things done

It's a good feeling. Lately, I've been feeling quite powerful in my achievements. I haven't crashed and burned yet. Good times.

This weekend we had a choir retreat that ate up most of my voice, my entire shift on Saturday and half of the time I usually have to get things done on the weekends. So, Sunday was a scramble to read for 3 classes, write a couple essays, practice a bit and study for German. Still figuring out when I'm going to have time to do my first big Orchestration homework. It will be funny being in that class for the first time this semester...Hermione Granger, double-booked, Time-turning bullshit...hahaha

At this point in my life, I feel like all I have to do is work hard and I get out what I put in. What a stark contrast from last semester's wheel-spinning, ineffective lethargy.

I'm good at some things

All it takes is a questionable lesson to get me back to that place..."wait...am I stupid? Do I really suck that bad??" The good part is, I don't have to feel that way anymore. Wednesday was terrible and I was overwhelmed and unworthy and pathetic and not feeling it.

And then comes Thursday: difficult, strenuous 12 hour, 15 unit Thursday. And I felt good. And capable. And FUCK YEAH I can do stuff. Because I'm smart and GOOD at some things. And even when I'm bad at stuff, it doesn't matter. I don't identify with the bad right now.

More pictures from Europe

El Palacio Real

La Plaza Mayor

Best Break Yet

This last winter break was far and away the most fun and relaxing times I've ever had since starting school. Quite possibly ever. I hung with friends and went home and ate a lot of food and had an awesome party. So far, so good. And THEN I went to Europe.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

and I'm going back. For an extended period of time. The thought of this alone is enough to get me through anything the rest of 2011 can throw at me. I'm looking back on/forward to awesome parties and speaking other languages and meeting beautiful, friendly people and having an amazing time. It was wonderful : ]