I Fucking Hate Sousa Marches.

Yep.

And that's where I'm at. A couple of my wonderful, amazing, lovely friends kidnapped me today to go get pho after orchestra rehearsal. I was supposed to go to Wind Uggggghh (ensemble) rehearsal but instead I was late and spent an hour talking and laughing and having fun with friends and relaxing and enjoying myself. Also, eating noodle soup which is good right now because my tonsils are HUGE right now and it hurts to swallow. Then...I went back to school.

Do you ever have one of those moods where literally EVERYONE just pisses you off? That was the rest of my night.

Hi, can you stop talking? I now you don't have to be here at all right now and you're just trying to be nice but the quality of your voice is painful. Kthanks.

Again, don't want to deal with you. Or you. or you. I have individualized reasons for literally every person in the 25 member ensemble. Christ.

I came to a realization as I was practicing this weekend. Soon. Very soon. 5 weeks, in fact. No matter what happens. Whether I crash and burn and not play another note and receive F's in all of my ensembles and lessons and throw a big middle finger to SFSU OR If I manage to keep it together. Regardless. I will be DONE playing trumpet affiliated with the SF state goat rodeo. Done and Done. I will only play what I want. And when I want. Ever. No matter what. And that, to me, is empowering and comforting and will get me through. No matter what.

: ]

Senioritis?

I'm going to miss the positive aspects of school. Like...uhh.......Friends! Friends are good. Also, not being a legitimate adult. As in not having to find a career and shit. That's a nice perk of being in college. On Wednesday, I found out that Chamber Singers might be going to China this summer, which would have been cool. I say "would have" because I found out on Thursday that it's happening next spring which makes me sad because I won't get to be a part of it. And then I thought, what will I be doing then? Hopefully living in Heidelberg. I found out on Friday that I got into the CSU/IP program. Step one: achieved. Now it's all about the money. Scholarships! I'm up to twenty-one so far. Hope I can do it. That'll be pretty sweet, I think. And after? Who knows. I'm a little afraid of what's going to happen. But, when have I ever not been slightly anxious, broke, neurotic, with a half-formed plan? It's been this way for a long time.

'Nawlins

It was amazing. Five days of muggy hot weather and singing with (some of the) people I love. Everything was great..except the parts that weren't hahaha. We had a lot of free time, during which I partook of something called a "Hurricane". Look it up if you're not familiar...those were the questionable moments. Anyways...

Chamber Singers is quite possibly the only ensemble in which I've ever been that makes me feel like I sound good sometimes. Well, Vocal Point. Actually. A'capawesome...My favorite moment was when the Nine of us were rehearsing "Lights" in my hotel room. We weren't even singing with intent to sound good. We were just singing together : ]

AND of course there was much food to be had. As per the maxim: If you're not eating you're not on tour. Po'boys and beignets...yummm.. I wish it was still spring break!

I played some music

and stuff. It went a lot better than I expected. Which isn't saying a whole lot but, there you are. I'm pleased with how it turned out and glad that I could get it out of the way so early. If only everything else were done as well...

Anyways, life has been alright this week. Hanging out with friends and work and school and such. Should be okay.

TWELVE

I have applied for twelve scholarships. Well, thirteen, really. But I already got a "no" back from them. It was upsetting. I should probably apply to another one because thirteen is an unlucky number...
Today I went to my study abroad interview, where they asked me all kindsa questions...questions like "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" ...well...because I had a performance right before this interview and things never seem to line up correctly. Incidentally, I also have no idea when Goethe was alive...or who the Prime minister of Germany is...which is unfortunate but there you are. So, now I have another thing to stress out about: did I get into the actual program? I can also ineffectively stress out about this which will be fun when I have other things to focus on. Like scholarship letters! I hate writing. I never sound even remotely like who I am as a person in anything. Even this blog....whatever. I need someone to proofread them but then I also don't want someone to find out how much of a huge douche I sound like when I write. Oh well. Whatever happens, happens.

Great day

I ran around Lake Merced today. It was a pleasant reminder that I'm not actually in terrible shape. It was a beautiful day and, because I woke up so early, I got to experience it. At work, I managed to get a lot of things done: Homework, Reading for classes (Including Audre Lorde's Power of the Erotic....amazing) Singing, applying for scholarships and Practicing Trumpet. And not even that managed to ruin my day. In fact, I played through my senior recital program and never got to the point where I had to stop due to fatigue. My biggest issue right now: Actually getting through everything. I came home and did laundry and cleaned my terrible, terrible room. The squalor was oppressive but now I feel somewhat clean. I'm also thinking about having to move and wanting to consolidate my stuff. I have SO much...and not much of it is actually necessary. Clothes. Books. EVERYWHERE.

so, yep. Today was a good one. I like where this is heading. My biggest stresser isn't that big. I can do it. I like this confident, capable feeling.

Things I want to hear

That I'm good enough. That what I say sounds like it makes sense. That I am musically talented enough to not end my trumpet-playing undergraduate career in shambles. That I'm worth finding attractive. That I'm a good friend. That I sing well. Comfortable silence.

Things I don't want to hear:

People talk about their successful love life. That I should work harder. People unaware of their own privilege or how much space they take up. Stupid questions whose answers can be found by using Google. My alarm at 7 am.