I'm so close

Last jury ever. Last day at San Francisco State.

So very, very glad to be done.

After I played my jury, I got feedback. Not the grade (which is kind of the only thing I wanted to know) but I did hear from the orchestra director that I am one of the few people at this school who is so close to achieving what I want, that it's frustrating when I don't play my best. hm. Interesting.

I'm really looking forward to what happens next in my life. I think it's going to be good.

All packed up for Germany!

And yet...it's 3 months and lots of dollars away...

oh well. Cleaned my room today. Downsized and got rid of a lot of crap that I didn't need. It feels good, despite my body being not so much with it.

Woke up this morning congested and with that back thing that's happened a couple of times before. One of the best things about leaving this apartment will be the god-awful bed.

Hopefully going home for a few days on monday. Then, coming back and finding a job. I'm looking forward to ending this chapter of my life.

No No No

I want to be able to do this all by myself.

It's taken me a little while to realize this but, I've become addicted to being independent. Being on my own since 17 bred a fierce need in me to get shit done without anyone else's approval or assistance.

That being said, it hurts when I ask and don't receive. Well not so much "ask" as put in a request in the form of hard work that doesn't pay off. Why did I ever think that putting myself in the position to be rejected would be comfortable? or easy?

I hate applying for scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of working for hours and putting myself (on paper) out there only to have nameless, faceless (presumably white, heterosexual, males) give me a thumbs down.

I hate being rejected. In any capacity. I hate making myself vulnerable. I hate being right.

So, I still need thousands of dollars. I don't know what to do...

O Fortuna (reprise)

Last night, after my last performance with SFSU, we all ended up going out and getting pizza. So, something that doesn't piss me off. Good.

For some reason, I'm actually practicing. And for some reason, it actually doesn't sound terrible....how appropriate that right when I don't need them to, my chops resurrect themselves. Grrrreat. Of course, when I try and play in front of people, it'll pull some Warner-Brothers frog voodoo witchcraft and disappear. Oh well. Trumpet playing isn't important anymore.

Still can't find a job. Did some math about my finances.....I need a job.

One week until school is over. All I have is a 4-page reflection paper and my jury in the way of me and sweet, sweet freedom. kinda.

O Fortuna

Stuff keeps happening.

Another couple of rejections from scholarship committees...A former friend's birthday...School ending...all kinds of things.

Came home from a mediocre performance of Carmina Burana. Just didn't want to hang out with friends even though I was hungry and they wanted to go to In-n-out. Spent the rest of the night at home trying to find/do/watch something that wouldn't piss me off even more. I'm not even really sure what's wrong...

My eye won't stop twitching.

It's possible

I sent off my study abroad application today. 500 dollars later...

Everything will work out. It has to. The thought that has been keeping me going lately is "No matter what, I'm going to be done with this." San Francisco State can't hold me back. Even if I fail classes (which I'm pretty sure I won't), even if I don't have enough units to graduate (despite having 58 more than is necessary) There is nothing they can do to stop the flow of time. And eventually, I will never have to attend classes there. Ever again.

I had lunch with my German Professor. He's so nice, he even hugged me afterwards : ]

And right before the LAST rehearsal I will ever have with the SFSU orchestra, I learned that I am one of the recipients of the Markowski-Leach scholarship. $1500 dollars and the even more valuable affirmation: Yes, I can win something. Yes, my hard work pays off occasionally. Yes, it is possible.

Ich drücke die Daumen

This week shall be glorious.

My food money comes in on Wednesday. I get my passport issue taken care of. I find out about the DAAD scholarship. Everything is a windfall. I'm one week closer to never dealing with the SFSU music department ever again. I take last quizzes, last tests and hand in last assignments.

I'm heading towards the light at the end