So, I have made a change. The last layout seemed to be a little dark for me at times. Now I've gone from something that reflects abject despair to something....all consumingly depressing? I don't know. It was a change. I've gotten a bit better, I think.
Unfortunately, I'm back in San Francisco and I have to go back to facing my life instead of living and enjoying it. I was apparently supposed to go into work today. Which I found out while at the bank procuring the security deposit for my new apartment. Yep, it still keeps happening. This whole life thing isn't working out yet. I'm definitely ready for something else.
But I suppose I'm only KIND of blue. Maybe. I should definitely focus on the positive. My mom (in a somewhat strange rant) helped me to remember that I need to focus on the good things that have happened in the last week. I guess it's a more prescriptive approach instead of describing how I actually feel but, I've been trying my way for a while. Hmmm....
I did get a chance to see my family, my parents
I was NEVER hungry during the whole 10 days
I saw my friends
I got to sleep in
I didn't have to think about work
AND
I only have 6 weeks left of school!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So tired
It's 1:46 A.M.
I have to go back to San Francisco tomorrow. For the first time, I am dreading it. I don't want to face the unfortunate reality. I have to go back to school. I have to go back to work. I have to go back to the bedbugs, the guilt, the lack of sleep, the workworkwork, the ache in my chest, the constant unhappiness. I have to go back to seeing him. I have to go back to all of this bullshit.
I don't want it.
I want it to not be this way. But, unfortunately I can't make it any other way right now. Soon, it will be different. Better, maybe. But different nonetheless. Two weeks until the new apartment. 6 weeks until school ends. I'm just tired before this last stretch. Tomorrow I will wake up and Mom,the little brother and I will be on our way to San Francisco where I will try to keep them as long as possible. I want to sever that last tie as late as I can. I'm scared of going back. I'm scared of going forward. I'm tired of this life. I need a new one, thanks.
I have to go back to San Francisco tomorrow. For the first time, I am dreading it. I don't want to face the unfortunate reality. I have to go back to school. I have to go back to work. I have to go back to the bedbugs, the guilt, the lack of sleep, the workworkwork, the ache in my chest, the constant unhappiness. I have to go back to seeing him. I have to go back to all of this bullshit.
I don't want it.
I want it to not be this way. But, unfortunately I can't make it any other way right now. Soon, it will be different. Better, maybe. But different nonetheless. Two weeks until the new apartment. 6 weeks until school ends. I'm just tired before this last stretch. Tomorrow I will wake up and Mom,the little brother and I will be on our way to San Francisco where I will try to keep them as long as possible. I want to sever that last tie as late as I can. I'm scared of going back. I'm scared of going forward. I'm tired of this life. I need a new one, thanks.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
My Stars
So, I've just watched the wonderfully cliche and depressingly uplifting Stardust which had magic, good vs. evil and heteronormative ideals at its very heart. Everything was so unrealistic and yet I yearn for all of it. Magic, clearly defined characters, a destiny, a happily-ever-after and, of course, love. I wish that everything was so easily cut into two hour segments with a rising action, climax and all that. This whole thing is lasting far too long. Okay, it's time for you to apologize and for us to get closure. It's time for them all to let go. It's time for the solution to fall out of the sky. It's time for me to get back on with it. And....Cue the end credits! The upbeat and hopeful soundtrack plays as I walk into the sunset.
Ugh. It just keeps going. Much like this blog...
I am the hero of my story. But, I'm fairly sure that I need saving. Maybe I can do it all by myself. Maybe not. It would seem that circumstances have another course for me. I should thank my lucky stars. Maybe they'll come out sooner if I show some gratitude.
Ugh. It just keeps going. Much like this blog...
I am the hero of my story. But, I'm fairly sure that I need saving. Maybe I can do it all by myself. Maybe not. It would seem that circumstances have another course for me. I should thank my lucky stars. Maybe they'll come out sooner if I show some gratitude.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
So far away
Sadly, the end of my break and my return to reality aren't all that far away. But, right now it seems to me that everything is so far away. I have no patience and the end of all this won't come quickly enough. Conversely, the beginning of this all seems so far away. Really, it's only been about a month. San Francisco is in a distant corner of my mind despite all of the reminders of my existence there. I know I have to go back and face everything. But, right now I think I can handle it. It's kind of like running for me: I think I can run forever when I'm not actually doing it. It's likely that as soon as I return I will constantly be on the verge of a breakdown but everything that's going on right now can't touch me when I'm 263 miles away. Right now, I'm okay with the fact that I could be making huge mistakes. I'm okay with the fact that my head and my heart are not on speaking terms. I'm okay with embodying the definition of insanity. I know that I'm not crazy anymore. Or maybe I never was. I'm okay with all the hurt and betrayal and abandonment and irresponsibility. I'm okay with it all. I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen anymore. Maybe if I can make the space in my mind, I can keep this heap. It only hurts when I'm in the thick of it. Maybe I can remove myself enough to heal even when I have to go back. It's funny. Stuff here that bothered me, People I used to have unrequited (of course) crushes on, Things I thought were really difficult now seem to glance inconsequentially off of my new persona. It gives me the clarity I needed. One day, everything today will be as minute and silly as these other things that make up my past.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Handle it
Almost everyone seems to think that I am a lot more stoic than I do. They all have such faith in me. I'm pretty sure I can handle a lot. I'm almost sure that I'm going to be okay, most of the time. For some reason the little insecurity of not knowing that I'm going to be 100% okay with everything makes me more upset than others will ever know. I saw a post secret today that said "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But, not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." I can identify with this. They all seem to think that I'm going to be fine. That whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. I wish I could believe them. Right now, I'm a little more tender than I'd like to be.
I spent today with the GSA mentor. She has a lot to say about my life currently and for that I'm grateful. One thing that I'm getting from her, my mom and myself: I have such capacity for emotion that when it's bad, it's really bad. But it's going to get better and when it does I'll be so much happier. I think that's true. I have the ability and tendency to bear a lot of pain. But, it's the same tendency that lends itself to being so intense with my emotions; happy or sad. I'm not sure when it's going to happen but in the mean time I guess I just have to handle it.
I spent today with the GSA mentor. She has a lot to say about my life currently and for that I'm grateful. One thing that I'm getting from her, my mom and myself: I have such capacity for emotion that when it's bad, it's really bad. But it's going to get better and when it does I'll be so much happier. I think that's true. I have the ability and tendency to bear a lot of pain. But, it's the same tendency that lends itself to being so intense with my emotions; happy or sad. I'm not sure when it's going to happen but in the mean time I guess I just have to handle it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Farmer's revisited
I had forgotten how simultaneously lame and fun the Farmer's Market in San Luis Obispo can be. I go and hope to run into random people. The day seems to be going okay. I'm wandering and munching on a serving of delicious Bali's yogurt when I run into a friend. yay. It's all so very far away and yet fun to remember and revisit. I've forgotten everything that has happened in San francisco for a little while. Wait. What? I can forget it? It's almost like meditating. I'm feeling relatively okay until someone yells "Hey, Evan!"
haha. Thanks universe. Nope, haven't totally forgotten. Eh. I still have 5 days here. I'll continue to heal.
haha. Thanks universe. Nope, haven't totally forgotten. Eh. I still have 5 days here. I'll continue to heal.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Contact
Gah, with all the serious blogs lately. I'm supposed to be on vacation! Anyways...
So, I think I've isolated myself despite my wishes. Refer back to one of the secrets I posted on this blog:
"When I was younger, I thought that everyone wanted to be my friend. It still makes me sad that this isn't true."
It's a psychological thing that has to do with my Hurt programming. I've been hurt a lot in the past for whatever reason. My brain thinks that it's going to keep happening so I've focused on doing things that will protect me from interaction, from getting hurt again. I've taken it personally, I've thought "what's wrong with me?" more times than I care to remember. It's a strangely egotistical thing to wish that more people would realize that I am awesome just because I'm myself. But, I am indeed the self-deprecating narcissist (see top right corner)
It's all about insecurities. It's all about focusing on the negative. But, I really do think that it's strange that I can go days without receiving a single phone call from anyone. Isn't being a teenager about having friends and hanging out and living a fun life? I've been bogged down by circumstances and myself. It's taking a lot of work to learn this. Soon (or not so soon) I will be living a life that i enjoy. I will have the social/academic/romantic/professional balance that I strive for. I guess I will keep trying again and again and again. Getting hurt or not until it works.
So, I think I've isolated myself despite my wishes. Refer back to one of the secrets I posted on this blog:
"When I was younger, I thought that everyone wanted to be my friend. It still makes me sad that this isn't true."
It's a psychological thing that has to do with my Hurt programming. I've been hurt a lot in the past for whatever reason. My brain thinks that it's going to keep happening so I've focused on doing things that will protect me from interaction, from getting hurt again. I've taken it personally, I've thought "what's wrong with me?" more times than I care to remember. It's a strangely egotistical thing to wish that more people would realize that I am awesome just because I'm myself. But, I am indeed the self-deprecating narcissist (see top right corner)
It's all about insecurities. It's all about focusing on the negative. But, I really do think that it's strange that I can go days without receiving a single phone call from anyone. Isn't being a teenager about having friends and hanging out and living a fun life? I've been bogged down by circumstances and myself. It's taking a lot of work to learn this. Soon (or not so soon) I will be living a life that i enjoy. I will have the social/academic/romantic/professional balance that I strive for. I guess I will keep trying again and again and again. Getting hurt or not until it works.
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