Regression

So, I'm back in San Francisco. I suppose it feels like home as much as anything nowadays. In some ways I feel as comfortable as I did back in Nipomo and Orcutt. While at home I found myself returning to an earlier stage in my life. I sort of became the me that I was in high school but, upon coming back it didn't really wear off. I now feel like I've just graduated and am waiting for my first year at SFSU to start even though I'm a senior...Weird.

I thought about how wonderful it would be to start freshly with all of the experience I have and not make the same mistakes. I guess that's the point of making them, though. To learn...

I wandered around San Francisco this weekend. I somehow ended up near 2704, the Daly City Apartment and my second apartment before winding up at home. It was a big walk down memory lane. Complete with the waves of creepy Jack the Ripper Fog that I've grown accostumed to living in San Francisco. Every little memory walked with me as I shivered through the freezing mist. Like Jack himself, my past continues to haunt me. Ugh. Okay, now that's depressing. I'm going to stop that now. Okay? Go!

The rest of the summer is going to be amazing. I'm going to hang out with friends and enjoy quiet time to myself. I foresee the month I have until school starts as a good time to: 

Exercise

Practice

Make friends/strengthen friendships/Start a relationship

Write and Create

NOT focus on bad things. 

I can't wait. 

JayBrannanJayBrannanJayBrannan!!! <3

Okay, all fangirling and drooling aside, I simply adore this performer. I went to his concert on Friday at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco.

It was amazing. Even though the first act was a little subpar. The second act was alright but at that time I was ready to see Jay. Also, there were a disproportionately large number of attractive young men there. Go figure. I really loved the whole thing. Despite the fact that I ended up wandering around San Francisco at midnight because it went waaaaayy longer than I thought it would and past when MUNI and BART are running. Still, I adore this performer. 

Just Be.

I'm far more interested in the here and now than anything else, I think. At least that's what works for me. I'm not going to say it's a mistake to focus on the future or the past (because I don't know).

I've been sitting here in my Dad's house in Orcutt, trying to get some motivation to do something other than eat. I'm here for another week and I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I've reached a sort of impasse: I don't want to go back to SF and I don't want to stay here. I suppose I should either make a third option or be alright with what's currently happening. That seems to be my course of action as of late. I don't hate my life because it's mine and I'm living it. Still, am I doing anything to change what I don't like about it? Am I, by accepting my life as it is, further perpetuating the unpleasant? If I'm okay with being single, with not practicing or working out, with being poor, am I setting myself up? I guess that little voice in my head that says "what if it doesn't happen? What if I try and fail?" is the only thing keeping me from truly wanting to change those things. Gods, I'm neurotic. 

Hm. Just breathe. Be. Breathe. 

Transitions

I hoped to strategically avoid the transition out of 223 W. Dana by showing up the day after the deadline. No such luck...There's apparently a 5 day grace period that we didn't know about. So, I'm still at home in Nipas for another 3 days...trying to help my mom do productive things although I simply don't know what to do. Everything is being handled so ineffectively. I don't know what to do and I can' t find a middle ground between not supporting what is happening and supporting my mother. I want to help but it is both literally and figuratively beyond me. It's frustrating and dismaying to the extreme that this reminds me a lot of 2704. When is this going to end? I thought all bad things do, eventually. It would seem that they take a lot longer to end than pleasant things. Hopefully, we'll be done with this soon and everything will be better. I'm not going to hold my breath, though. 

If there is no happy ending

make one out of cookie dough. 

I think I might have had a vision last night. It was kind of very strange, so bear with me. It was largely about "10 things I hate about you". I may or may not have been Julia Stiles...(I know, weird) 

Anyways, my perspective shifts and I see a couple hugging and facing the same direction. It might have been Julia Stiles or me again, and we seemed distant from the guy hugging us. He has curly, dark brown hair. And then my perspective shifts again and he's looking up at me and I can't see his eyes because his hair is in the way. He smiles at me and then I see/hear/read the words

"And you'll finally be Happy."

At this point, I may have started crying. In my waking life or the dream. I'm not really sure because I was kind of in between the two which is why I say it was a vision and not a dream. Anyways. I don't know what it means and I don't know what to think about it. It is what it is, I guess. 

It brings up all kinds of thought, though. Who was he? WTF Julia Stiles? Why would I cry at that? Does this mean I'm not happy now? WAIT. Am I unhappy right now? ....I don't' know. I guess not. I've been doing the optimism/positivity thing for a while but, it's too soon for me to be familiar with it. I did the other thing for 19 years, this way of being is new to me. And who is this guy to tell me if I'm happy? I'LL decide when that happens, thanks. Now to find the eggs, milk, sugar and chocolate chips...

You say good start

I say perfect ending.  So many things beginning and ending for me. I'm starting to work out again, starting the last week of school, starting to feel better. These are all wonderful things that I'm very grateful for. The stuff that is ending is all good as well, I suppose. Change is always good. Or necessary at least. The one thing that proves to be kind of difficult is 223 W. Dana. I knew transitioning out of it would be a long and arduous process. Now, the addition of hard and/or soft deadlines, the careful manipulation/saving of my grandmother's sovreignty, and concurrent planning of a trip home while sick and during finals week are all proving to be as messy as you would imagine them to be. I feel like this is the stopper at the bottle of something wonderful. It's actually a bigger, twistier cork than I thought it would be but eventually I'll get it out and drink sweetly.

Newest addition to my room

Here it is. In all of it's Deskly glory. I didn't realize how huge a transition it was or how much I was resisting it until it almost literally fell into my lap. This innocuous piece of furniture means: I'm here. I'm staying. I might go other places but this room will be where I return to for a long while. I've been living off/out of two sizeable blue totes that kept me satisfied as far as storage and surface space are concerned. But, no more! Now all I need to find is a chair....I suppose one of the blue totes will serve another purpose for a little while, at least.

The reason I have this new friend is because one of my very close friends moved back to Southern California for 2 months before she moves to England. I'm very sad that she's gone (although not as much as she is) and her presence will be sorely missed. May the desk in the corner of my room live on in her legacy! hahaha