I love stress

It seems as though this mentality will be the only one to get me through the next month. I can do it! I will pack/clean my apartment, tell my boss(es) that I'm quitting, exmatriculate,  finally get my computer and transfer all of my old files onto it, get my hair cut, work, figure out what to do about public transportation, collect all of my paperwork, find a rideshare to go to Berlin sometime during march, register at HU, say goodbye to everyone and then move across the country. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I got in.

to the University of Humboldt zu Berlin. I will start my master's degree in Global Studies starting in April. That is going to happen. Everything is working out.

Breathe.

It's almost like it's not real.As I was telling a friend, I thought I had misread the letter. But, my German isn't that bad...(there's only one way to understand the word 'Zulassungsbescheid') I did a lot of work for it. I spoke with people and they didn't lie to me. It paid off. I'm QUITE satisfied.

Next steps: 

Getting my apartment in order. (finding someone to take my place, packing, etc.)
Moving to Berlin
Getting a well paid job

finding the money to make this work is my next big accomplishment. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Progress

The latest update...I got accepted at University Viadrina in Frankfurt Oder...but I don't think that is going to be a feasible option. Oh well...here is the latest email from Humboldt University:

Hi Gian,

 

Yes, good news, the first letters will go out next week. Twenty students will be notified in the first intake, and after some time, depending on the response of the original 20 people, a second group will be notified.

 

I was told that it is not possible for the admissions office to send me a list of admitted applicants. I don't really understand why, but I was told it's just simply too difficult to do for every program. In any case, you should find out next week. If you listed your address in Germany as your corresponding address then they will send you a letter in the mail, so I guess it could take until the following week until you receive it. Those who listed their address abroad will receive confirmation by email.

 

Best, 

XXXX

SO. This means that hopefully I'll receive some sort of confirmation next week. It would be good to know things...ya know, LAST MONTH. But, it's cool. My only issue is letting my landlord know. I told him I would schedule a meeting with him and my replacement (who, unfortunately, backed out on me) so there's that. Other than the all-consuming thoughts of WHAT IS MY FUTURE GOING TO LOOK LIKE? I've been workin, hanging with my people (gays <3) and contemplating getting a haircut/dying my hair silver. I'm also slightly sick and hoping that it gets better tomorrow. Ideal day Monday, the 18th: I receive my email, I'm healthy, I sleep in, work out and relax a bit. Sounds good.

WHAT. DOES. THIS. EVEN. MEAN?!

Dear Gian,

This is not a letter of acceptance. However, your application has undergone an initial administrative check, and was reviewed favorably by the Global Studies professors. It must undergo a final administrative selection, but there is a high probability that you will be accepted. Unfortunately official confirmation could take until sometime in March. I understand it will be challenging to move to Berlin in such short notice. If I can answer any questions for you please do not hesitate to ask.

Best Regards,
 XXXXXXX


And here I was thinking that the middle of February (though already too late) was going to be the last of my uncertainty, at least in regards to this aspect of my life. This leaves soooo many problems open I don't know where to begin. Plan: I'm going to call him ASAP and ask questions. Lots of questions.

1. Am I the only person this affects? How do other people decide on what they're going to do...?
2. Is there ANY way to get a decision sooner? Who can I call?
3. What sort of high probability are we talking here? 75% 99%?
4. COULD take until march? When in march? The semester starts April 8th, you know...


I have to decide on this now because not only does this affect my emotional well being, it's going to have a negative effect on my finances (ugh, priorities). I need to give my landlord 90 days notice (it is currently 51 days until i need to move out) Tell my three employers that I'm leaving, pay the University my tuition fees for a degree I MIGHT not be doing (admittedly low what with Germany and government subsidized tuition and all)  and figure out where I'm going to live in Berlin. Also how to pay the ridiculous costs of this program while, ya know, living and eating and stuff.

Alright. GAME ON.

I'll make it work. It's what I do.

What do you want?

I want to see the world.

I want to go to berlin and get a great degree and help people to do what I have done.

I want to meet people and live in different countries and learn languages and facilitate understanding.

Someone asked me what I want. And, more than anything, those answers came spilling from my mouth. I know exactly what I want. I want to do those things and really self-actualize. I also know what I don't want. You know what's not important to me? Money. Prestige. How clean the city in which I live is. Pension Plan. Insurance. 401K.

I'm young.

That being said, I can do everything that I want in Heidelberg. There is nothing stopping me, really....The situation is currently that three things need to happen:

1. Zulassung. I need to actually get accepted to the program. Which should happen because of all of the positive feedback I got from the program's coordinator. But, I've been assured such things before, only to be denied. We'll have to see.

2. I need to be able to leave my apartment in April. While technically shorter than the 90 days stated in my lease, I would let my landlord know in the middle of February. I called him and told him (in non-stuttery, pretty much perfect german that surprised even me) that I would also see to it that we find someone to replace me. I think I convinced him but he might have just said 'let me know in February' to get me off the phone.

3. I need to NOT get this job working for Junior Year Abroad in Heidelberg. It's basically the grown-up version of the job that I have now for the California State University program. It would mean that I would quit working as an English teacher and only work in the field in which I want to end up. Which would be awesome and life-affirming and all but it may very well happen. Which means I go to Berlin...I'm writing the director (and my potenatial boss) this afternoon...


So. Basically all that needs to fall into place. Plus money. Plus conquering the (admittedly dwindling) fear of not having a safe home base.

It's okay. I know what I want. 

Everywhere

As I was wandering through Heidelberg on my way to work, this thought struck me:


WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

I could be out seeing the world! And so, the decision has been made. I think, if the universe will allow it (and it will, I'll make it) that I'm going to pursue the Global Studies degree. I went to Berlin to speak with the coordinator of the program  who told me that my application looks strong and that he "hope[s] to get back to me (with good news) by mid February."  So that is that. I will do this. Completely uproot my life and move across the country and then across the world. Sounds a bit familiar, actually. I know I can do this. I just need the chance.

The first of Five

Last saturday, I got an email from the University of Heidelberg with the german equivalent of: We are pleased to announce that you have been accepted to the Master's program of Germanistik im Kulturvergleich with an emphasis of Literature studies at the University of Heidelberg.

Okay. yes.

Just had to let that sink in. I am quite pleased that everything is going to plan and the back-ups and back-ups won't be necessary....or will they? Everything about staying in Heidelberg is good...I keep my friends, my life, my apartment, my jobs, everything I've worked hard for. And yet, the biggest problem is the means itself: I don't know ANYTHING about literature studies. Every single other program is something that I would be excited to do. Intercultural communications, Global studies, Languages, Travelling...all kinds of good stuff. And now that I have the grapes, are they turning sour? SEE?! that was probably a bastardization of some story or another that I don't understand because, again, don't know anything about literature. Especially German literature! I just started speaking this language less than three years ago...how the helll am I going to keep up with the native speakers? Ugh. I'm already getting panic attacks about it. Not something that one should think about the study program to which they are going to devote the next two years of their life...

And now the decisions...I don't know what I should do. As it stands now, I can only go to Heidelberg...but of course I'm going to get into the other programs. I've already spoken to the Universe. This is the first acceptance of five...but what then? What when I have the choice? Do I go to Berlin, Buenos Aires, New Delhi, and Berlin for Global Studies? Do I go to Berlin (and commute 2 hours a day) for the AWESOME program of Intercultural Communications? Do I go to Potsdam and live in Berlin for Anglophone Modernities? Do I fly back to the United States for the guaranteed expensive and high quality education of the Monterey Institue of International Studies? Or do I stay in Heidelberg, enjoying my hard-earned life and potentially sucking at a Master's degree I'm only partially qualified for? I just don't know. Let the spastic excel spreadsheet/pie chart flow graph making commence.