Nobody Knows

I think it's funny that for someone who contemplates how he presents himself, I am intensely unaware of what people think of me. The more important question is: Do I care?
And the answer escapes me. Sometimes, with select people, the answer is yes. Other times I think that in presenting myself with an indifferent attitude, I want to be perceived as such. So, I have to say that I am unaware of my place in the world and people's eyes but am forever changing it. For example, Yesterday I gave a speech in Communications class. I had timed myself to be roughly 3 minutes and 45 seconds when the guideline was 4-6 minutes. But, while speaking time seemed to be going by too rapidly and I had to cut out a lot of it, causing me to become flustered and deliver a lackluster conclusion. Nobody but me knew why I was fumbling for words. And nobody else really cared, I think.
My Attractive-play going Companion is in that class. He is a prime example of how very, very ignorant I am of my image. I was talking to other people and doing my best to ignore him. This is what I want, right? No contact. He doesn't know that I am still unsure. He doesn't know that I want him to talk to me or at least care. But, He also doesn't know is that I'd rather not make the connection because I would like to not get hurt for a third time. I don't know, he doesn't know. Nobody knows.

Estoy Trabajando

Todo el dia. Ciertamente.
This morning I woke up at 5. Got to work at 6:30 only to discover that I've been given my own route...kinda. I had to do it with this guy who kind of annoys me but, also kind of reminds me of someone in my family. Weird. It would have been better off if I had done it by myself, it was so small. I only had about 30 packages. But, that's neither here nor there I suppose. It was boring and difficult. At least I'm making money.
Afterwards, I went to the Castro and bought a few add ons for my Leopard Costume. It's going to be quite cool, I believe. Then, I went to LYRIC to help my supervisor with the intern interview process. Then, I went back home for 20 minutes to change and eat. Then I went back and interviewed another intern before going to a Training that lasted 2.5 hours. I finally got home around 7:30ish and I realized: "Damn, I am stressed as fuck"
Had to write a speech for Communications class and prepare some pictures and Evaluation forms for this Speaker's Bureau gig tomorrow. Yet another jam packed friday for me. Of course, academia won't be my only struggle. I'll have to stand in front of a class that includes the Attractive Play going Companion and deliver a speech. Ah well, it's about trumpet playing. Something that I'm fairly confident in my ability to discuss. It's more that I worry about so many things that I have a small measure of control over. My thoughts, fears and emotions...
FUCK.
Just generally, I can go throughout my day and not realize how worried I am about certain things. It's like my brain has a collection of shelves that are always crooked and I keep trying to put things on them that might stay on for a little while but, I keep having to rearrange them...It's articulate, I know, but that's how I feel. Oh well, Today my supervisor told me
that he really appreciates the effort that I'm making to be there every day and that he recognizes what I'm doing. It was really cool. I feel that we don't get acknowledged enough on the whole. As people. So, I think from now on when someone does something, I will acknowledge what they've done. Just to make sure that they don't go unnoticed. It's very demoralizing to go throughout your day and be treated like you haven't done anything. I know for a fact that I did something today. It's nice when someone notices.

Synchronicity and/or Coincidence

I have noticed a lot more instances of this since I've moved to San Francisco. It might be because of the fact that I seem to live/experience/be subjected to life more intensely than I ever did back home. It might also be because of the fact that I'm looking for similarities between things that I'm constantly thinking about and my mundane life. How perfect would it be to have the trivialities join together into something magnificent? Everything happens for a reason. I think the trivialities are a lot like notes in a scale: Use them the right way and create Euphony. That's just my random thought for the day. I would also like to say that I miss home. Very much so. I miss my friends. I miss random people. I see your faces everywhere. It's quite possible that in my currently emotionally vulnerable state I'm attributing a lot more to my experience, but I feel as though human sentiment has finally wormed it's ugly head into my thoughts. At least a little. Agh.
Oh well, I'm going to bed. I get to sleep in until 6 am tomorrow! This pleases me to an extent. The fatigue that I felt this afternoon snuck up on me. It was not pleasant. Nor was it conducive to learning my coworker's PM route. I need to be alert from now on. I've taken to stretching after I wake up. I've also taken to attempting to sleep on my back and do breathing exercises. More on that later once I form an opinion on this practice...

Recapitulation

So, I've had a good weekend, and I just got paid ($230!!!) and I'm sure I did fairly well on my midterm and I'm not terribly exhausted after my longest day of the week. I should be having a good time, right?
I can't help but think about everything. I think about things way too much, you know? I think about how strange it is to think that he doesn't care. It's strange to think about how he could be reading this right now. I don't know how I feel about that, though. Another strange thing: I said I didn't want him to read my blog but, I would be oddly satisfied to know that he did. I'm not sure if all of the things I said to him are true. But, I'm also broadening the scope to think about other strange things because I've become more contemplative and introspective, recently. I give consideration to past relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I think: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being empathetic. To one person in particular: I'm sorry. I didn't know it could hurt this intensely.
I don't know what I want. How pathetic, right? So indecisive. Whatever. I know that I am NOT actively pursuing a relationship. With anyone. As of this turn of events, I am no longer going to waste time and energy on such a volatile endeavor. It's not good for my psychological well being.
But, the band will play on, right? As cliche as it sounds. I think that it's begun in a minor key. The significance of this being that not all minor keys are "sad" (look it up, it's true) I'd like to reach the fanfare eventually. I'll get past the second movement because second movements are always No. 2. haha. And now for some crescendo. Do something. Anything. Just do it differently.

And the band plays on

Hah. The band that plays the soundtrack of my life had reached a caesura, I think. But now, It will slowly begin to play molto lento. At least for the time being. I have a Music Theory midterm tomorrow in case you couldn't tell. I've been studying scales and terms for hours now. It should benefit me, because I believe that I have a B in the class and would like an A. It's the reason I'm attending SFSU, I should at least have a good grade in Music. All in all, I would say that today has been productive. I studied, wrote an outline for speech, revised a philosophy paper (despite my philosphy teachers less than helpful comments) and got a scholarship letter in order. Yes, I should say that it has been fairly productive. Although, I didn't get to go outside today. It was a lovely day, too. Not windy and rainy and tempestuously indecisive like it usually is. I was on the phone with my friend from Nipomo and he was describing to me how warm the wind is back home. I miss the smell of leaves dying. I miss the warm wind and Autumn aura. I would like very much to be at home, if only for a night. I should look into that...The Roommate seems to be going back every other weekend, I should just catch a ride with her. It would be nice to go home and sleep, eat and talk.

I was in need of a good day

and I'm fairly sure that I got it. I went to bed at 9 and woke up around 10:30. Which pretty much doubled the hours of sleep that I've gotten this week. I hung out with my Long Lost Twin. She and I are so very, very similar it's almost scary. We're both black and Mexican, We both lived with our grandmothers, we're both weird. And that's how we like it! haha. But, anyways, We hung out and went to see Thelma Houston at Amoeba records. It was quite strange and very brief but good. She wore a very amusing hat of feathers that I didn't get a picture of, unfortunately. I need to go to more concerts at Amoeba. Two is not enough!
So, after the concert, we went to a lovely little deli where I had vegetarian duck for the first time. It was delicious. And then (and this is the highlight of my day) we happened upon a pile of free clothes! And they were my size!! As funny as it sounds, it seems like Fate was showing me that it's not always going to be bad. It's always going to be RANDOM. And I suppose for now, i'm okay with that. I got free fucking clothes! Pictures will eventually ensue, don't you worry!
After that, we got on the wrong bus to come home and ended up taking the long way home... Haha. It was good though. I have also done some studying for my Music Theory Midterm and done a load of laundry. T'was very productive. Weekends are amazing.

Why, okay?! Why? Okay. Why, Okay!

He's okay with that. I am too. The thing that i'm not okay with is the fact that it happened so spur of the moment. and that he's okay with it. and that I'm okay with it. It was a lot of awkward silence, talking about nothing, and finally deciding after a single response that I never want to see him ever again. He told me "whatever I want"
NO.
not whatever I want. Obviously, I don't always get what I want. And I don't know how to react to that. So, I acted rashly. I'm just depressing and depressed.
But, I realize that I don't really need to be around him if he doesn't want to be around me. I'm just done with it. So, I've resolved to have really awkward Fridays and never speak to him again. I've learned from it but, I really wish I had never met him.