Trying to be okay

And sometimes I think its working. Oh how wrong I can be. We had yet another intense talk on thursday in which it seemed like he actually cared. I was almost okay and then he lets me know that he's apparently starting to date some fool. Great. It's been 5 days. All of 5 whole days. So, basically now I have to reconcile the fact that he broke up with me on V-day by making out with another dude and then hooks up with a new date not even a week later. How can anyone do that? Im not even at the point where I can forgive him which is great because he's obviously not sorry enough to make any sort of effort to be accountable. This is unfair.

I think that I'm okay but...

then im not. And then I am. The little periods of okayness starkly contrast the dark spots. I want so bad to be fine. This part of my life is starting to drive me mad.
Bitter = Boring
I have such better things to do with my life than waste energy on this. Once I get there, it will be so much easier.
Hurry up!

I can't wait until I'm Happy

And its going to happen. Im just not sure when...
Soon I hope. I have an appointment to meet with a counselor on friday. I feel like this is a positive step. One thing I noticed during these last six months (and throughout my life)was that I had a lot of issues that I thought I could ignore because someone thought enough of me to at least want to be around me. Now that I dont have that, it brings a lot of these long standing problems to the surface.
It's not beneficial to me that I keep reminding myself of my inadequacies. I don't want to need to hurt people just to make myself feel better.
It's true, I am a sad person.
It's true, I reject before (and after) I get rejected.
It's true that I contradict myself at every turn and will most likely delete this post later.
Why does it have to be that way?
I don't love myself. Yet.

Happy Valentine's day!

What an awful, awful weekend I'm having. Started out with a party I didn't necessarily want. On Friday the 13th no less. My lucky day. Got home after waking up feeling like someone hit me in the head with a bat and going to school, started cleaning and feeling like I wasn't doing enough. Dealing with my roommates before party days is not a fun activity. Have a nap and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed. I get up and get dressed and people start arriving. Special Friend and his friend arrive and I'm really happy to see him. It's been a strange past few weeks, I've been really emotional and he's been sort of distant, yet he tells me he loves me and all this bullshit. He ends up getting drunk and hooking up with someone else, which I could forgive if it wasn't for the fact that I had explained time and time again that I am NOT strong enough to deal with that right now. He comes to bed an hour or two after I do with all this bullshit saying that he loves me but, he's not in love with me. It's not me, it's him. Blahblahblah. I tell him

Fine.

Get out of my life. 

I don't care. I don't need you. I only liked you because you liked me back. And now that you don't. I don't.

And that is that. I'm really good at cutting people out. I only hope that it doesn't hurt extracting every bit of him. I deleted his phone number. I'm throwing away his jacket. His stupid bear. I'm done. 

Almost February

and I can't wait. School will start, which will give me something else to focus on besides my craziness. Work will go back to it's usual dreary trudge instead of this horrible monstrous frenzy.I'll start practicing at school. Although,  I'll stop being able to go to the gym with as much frequency and I won't have a day off for a long while. Oh well, this semester looks to be a lot easier than the last. Which is good. I'm hoping for less stress. Right now, I should be practicing or napping before I practice. I kind of wanted to go out with Special Friend but, I'm also hoping another friend will text me. Just kind of wishy washy with the whole deal. 

Progress

So, I've decided to go to the gym. As in, regularly. I think I'll be able to handle it, which should be good. I'm rather excited for school to start up again. This semester I don't think I'm going to go overboard. Maybe 8 classes? Still the same amount of units but, only 1 night class! This excites me greatly. I've come to enjoy Special Friend's company for the most part. We haven't had any meltdowns and on the whole, I would say that our relationship is going well. I can't speak for the future so I won't. This has been my weekend. 

OH, and I've made the recent purchase of a shiny and unnecessary Apple doodad. It is currently in China but, should make it's way to San Francisco sometime on Friday. I'm quite pleased with that. 

I'm crazy I'm crazy I'm crazy

and I have nobody to talk to about it. Except myself...

because that's what crazies do!

Gods and little fishes, I don't know what I'm doing right now but, it seems like something is afoot. I just don't know what, yet. 

Today all I did was go to work, come home, treat my friends and roommates horribly for reasons beyond my knowledge and then turn into my usual reclusive self. Hiding away for hours on end, staring at a computer screen that prevents me from interacting with real people. Fear of rejection and failure and not nice things are behind this, I think. I want to Sing. I want to scream and run around naked, playing nothing that makes sense on the trumpet. I want to be a better writer so that this shit doesn't sound like the prattling of a mindless teenage girl when I come back to read it later. Only to make fun of myself. I wish I was doing something useful with my life. I wish that Special Friend would understand and leave me alone. I wish that my roommates would just leave for days. I wish my friends would come back. I wish that I didn't have to go to work. I'm not sure if I hate my life and I'm not sure why I even mention that. If it weren't for my positively numb outlook on life, I'd be crying and fucked up every day. Then again, what's wrong with me? Not a damn thing.

I have such Doubts...