Music speaks to me

I was reading a blog that I like to frequent and something I read shocked me: the author, though he is sagely and inspiring, wrote that music does not speak to him. This baffles me to the point where I can't begin to imagine what it must be like. Music doesnt speak? What is it for? One of the very few things that comforts me now is music. It's strange to think that It's possible that music wouldnt make me feel alive again, bring that ache out of my chest and through my lips, make me feel so much worse and realize I will feel so much better. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have music. Music speaks to me every day. It says

"Being your half-boyfriend was only half bad"

"This too shall pass"

"You can't break that which isn't yours"

"I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved"

"We set the wrong course, and headed due north. That's where we went wrong."

"All you need is love"

"Oh please just let me breakdown"

"Be kind to me, or treat me mean. I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

The Right mistakes

I hope I've made them. I hope I'm headed in the right direction and end up where I want to end up. I'm at an unhappy place right now. I'm trying my best to stay positive and keep it moving. My job, My love life, My living situation. All so mundane and trivial. These things are making me unhappy and what little I can change, I won't because I'm afraid of the repercussions. I just want to be happy. I will eventually, but I have no patience. My purpose in life is getting bogged down by all of this bullshit that from here on will continue to rule my life no longer. I am a musician. I am a speaker. I am me. Everything can change except the last one. I will Always be myself.

"I choose to be the best that I can be. I choose to be authentic in every thing I do. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose"

Better

I thought I was going to be better after today. I was doing so well last night. I posted that last blog and a funny feeling crept into my chest. And then I started looking at the pictures on my phone, I came across those pictures of us at the Academy of Sciences. In one of them he was kissing me on the cheek. Fuck.
This morning I wake up to my Viola major friend freaking out about something. Apparently, someone overflowed the bathtub in the room above hers. So, it was RAINING dirty water in her room. Great. And then, I spent most of the day trying to feel better despite the entire day has basically gone to shit, and I run into him randomly after nobody is supposed to be in the music hall. I awkwardly try to stay the course. I'm not going to talk to him because he's not going to be able to make me happy. Apparently, I need a reminder. He's laughing awkwardly, He has to go, He doesn't care that I am visibly upset by him. That big conversation isn't going to happen. I can't, with all of my eloquence, with all my passion, with every big word and communicative skill get across to him how wrong I feel about his every action. He won't get it.
This whole situation is not right.
I want to go home. Afterwards, I will be able to reflect on how better off I really am. Maybe that's what I mean by better. I am a better, kinder, more loving person after this affair. I know what I want. I know that you can't treat people like their feelings don't matter. Right now I'm acting out of a vulnerable, shattered place. But, I truly believe that I am better and stronger because of this.

It's about forgiveness

Even if, Even if you dont love me anymore.

Wonderful lyric isn't it?

I spent the night at a wonderful friends house who was magnanimous enough to drive me to work this morning. He went through a lot of the same stuff that I'm going through right now (he's also a mutual friend of mine and evan's) so he helped to shed a lot of light on the situation. I'm going to have to be okay with never having a big conversation with him. I won't be able to fully explain that I'm sorry. I won't be able to fully explain the so many ways he hurt me. He'll never answer my questions. The only questions I can answer are my own. One thats been bothering me from a previous post: How can I love this unaware, selfish, inconsiderate child?
It sounds hurtful but I sincerely mean it as a question. How can I? Why do I still? The why is simple: I am a better person after he broke my heart. We had fun. I am filled with empathy and aware of my actions even if I dont think he is. The how is more complex. I think the plethora of stupid cliches are true.I love him but, I'm no longer in love with him. I am letting him go. Not holding my breath because
he's not coming back, but I am letting him go.

I'm great

and its not about the fact that my trumpet teacher told me so (even though it pretty much made my week/life) With all this growth I've been making, I know that it shouldn't and doesn't matter what others think of me. That being said, it doesn't make it any less true when I get positive feedback. Compliments from well meaning people are nice and appreciated but, not necessary. And hurtful actions from people who don't care are just that: hurtful but, ultimately have little to do with me. I need to get over the perception that I'm not good enough.

I am.

I've been listening to a lot of really positive music. I didn't get fired even though that customer did complain to my boss. I'm going to make it to Spring Break. It's only 9 days away! Life is good. Or Life is life and I'm thinking that it's going to be good.

I am not:

A person who got dumped on Valentine's day
His problem anymore
A bedbug host
Homeless
Worthless
Loveless
Heartless
any less than anyone

So many of these things right now have thus far defined my life. They've taken over. Well, I'm taking it back. Slowly. March 13th is looming ever closer. But, I'm ready for it. Maybe if I start feeling okay, I'll actually be okay.

He was on MUNI at the same time as I was. Again. It's going to be difficult, this constant presence thing. Life would be much more convenient if I wasn't so hurt. I want to be friends. I want to be nonchalant. I want to practice love and compassion. How? How can I love this unaware, selfish, inconsiderate child?

I was working and I realized that I am NOT a peetnik. I am not a corporate whore. I'm not mean. I'm not lazy or hurtful. I'm not inconsiderate.
I go to the gym almost every day. Why? I'm not this body. I'm never going to be anyone's dream guy physically. Let's face it. Guys aren't necessarily drooling over my body. That's okay with me. I've had an epiphany: I am not this vessel. The intangible stuff is way more important to me. This is a slow step towards achieving that self love I've been talking about.

Constantly okay

So, first and foremost I'd like to say that I definitely can't stand pretending to be okay when I am so obviously not. My feelings are so loud in my head and I think I'm communicating them simply by existing. I'm not entirely sure this method of being has been working out lately.
"How are you?"

"...alright. Actually, not that great"

"Oh, well it will get better!"

Yes. This is true. I know it. Thanks for reminding me. I definitely need it sometimes.

I've been trying to be more objective lately. I'm morbidly interested in how my life is going to change. Yeah, life? Bring it on!
I shouldn't say that. Some things are bigger than me. But, i'll make the most of it. Even now, I'm trying my hardest. I wore a cute outfit today. That made me feel better. I didn't talk to him today. I'm not sure how that made me feel. Better, I hope. I'm trying to do things that will make me feel better. Living life moment to moment. That's basically the only way I can deal.