Better...Again

So, I didn't put it out there because I thought it wouldn't come true. But, today was supposed to be my magical recovery date after the 13th of March didn't really work out. I think I have a lot of unrealistic expectations for myself in regards to how I'm going to feel about everything after it's over. Maybe I'm better now? And this is what it's supposed to feel like...
I'm not really sure. I was hoping to be able to move out guilt free, to never be hurt by him ever again, to enjoy my life and not get bogged down by all of the Unnecessary, Trivial, MUNDANE.
*sigh*
I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied. No, actually I know I will be. It could happen tomorrow. It's just not happening right now and that bothers me for some reason. Oh well, I'll get over it.
So, this is another stage. I'm at a point where I am better, again. I think even more so than the last time. I've taken it past where I was and am now headed towards something...great.

Constant Heaps, Constant Valleys

Hmmm. I am once again in a very strange place. I wish that I could be constantly happy or constantly neutral. It seems that even though I have accepted my progress as marked by good and bad times, it doesn't make it any easier. Still the place I' m in is not nearly as dark as it would have been a month ago. I'm grateful for that, I think.
Today there was a new Wind Ensemble conducting candidate. I actually enjoyed rehearsal for the very first time in months. It was good. I was engaged musically. I feel like I left rm. 153 with a better idea of how the songs should be played. All very good things. This is today's cause for celebration. And it's not even over yet. I have spirited away a spare moment to blog because I was supposed to be at a brass quintet rehearsal that got canceled. I still have Oceanography, Orchestra and the Improv. Nation meeting tonight. Let's see how all that goes.

Destructive trains of thought: Derailed

Okay. So, my tasks (as dictated by Rob Brezny) are to
1.Disrupt negative thoughts as they flow through my brain
2. Do the half-right thing when it's impossible to do the totally right thing
3. Understand that to progress through my current situation I have to accept it, realize my role in perpetuating it, and be thankful for all it has taught me (!!!!)

Wow. Way to go astrology. I feel like these are generally good things to do no matter what is going on in my life. But, I needed to hear it from an outside source apparently. Negative thoughts....They've been overpowering lately. I have been a powerful magnet for negativity lately. By performing the third task, I am slowly but surely making my way out of what's going on.
Destructive trains keep on chugging..."I wonder what he's doing right now?" BAM! Derailed. "I hate cleaning, this probably isn't good enough" HAH! Derailed. "Ugh, I hate my body" POW! No more. It's a little bit tiring but ultimately better for me. And I've never been against doing difficult things that will ultimately better my life.

Cause for celebration

I'm going to find the cause for celebration in every day. Sounds like a good plan. I'm letting go of the bad feelings. I realized today that for some reason, I hold on to them. I hold on to the Hurt. I hold on to the Hurter. I find tragedy appealing. Hm. Why? Doesn't make me more interesting or more attractive. I have to unlearn a lot of things that have thus far not been working for me. So, today was good because I went to the gym. I got a free sandwich. I made it through an 8 hour shift. And I talked to Mom. All good things. I'm not trying not to focus on the bad things. I'm NOT focusing on them. Or something. There's a difference between trying and doing and actualizing and ruling your universe. I'm figuring it out, I think. Maybe this is just a heap. But it doesn't feel like one. It kind of feels like the opposite of those strange valleys where I feel like something is so wrong with the situation that nothing will ever be right again. I still feel like some things with my life are so very, very wrong but I have this sneaking suspicion that everything is going to be alright. Hmmm...

Good Friday

I had one. I went out with friends to go listen to one of our friends perform. Then we went to a bar to hang out and a restaurant to eat at one in the morning. I ended up walking home because MUNI doesn't run that late. haha
It was great. I've realized that I want to become more social. I was feeling kind of tired so, I considered staying home and saying eff that noise but I went anyways and I'm glad I did it. I was there while my friends were going through some drama and I think I helped out. I was there watching my friend perform and it was nice and mellow. It all just went very pleasantly.

Assumptions

Last night I went to a completely relevant and topical magic class with two of my roommates. Again, there was so many coincidences and again I feel a lot better after going. The whole thing was about the assumptions we make and why we make them. I've realized that the reason I make assumptions about the way other folks and I interact is because I have no idea what other people are thinking. Sure, I like to guess and check in and fantasize about what they're doing but, I'll never really know. I have to learn to be okay with never being fully emotionally safe. I make assumptions (and act on them) because I want to protect myself, to avoid feeling vulnerable. I do it because I want to have some measure of understanding of or control over the situation. I just want to be okay.
The last post I made. I'm still acting under the Hurt programming.
How I interact with my roommates. Hurt Programming.
How much I'm doing in school. All assumptions based on past bullshit that I don't want anymore. I suppose I have to continue to interact with all of these things for a little while longer but right now I'm refusing to let it get to me.

Assumptions:
You don't want to be around me. You don't love me. Because I was so easy to get over, I'm worthless.
You all think that I've abandoned you. You're right about every negative thought you might have about me.
Because we were poor during my childhood and because I was apathetic in high school, I'm destined to be a failure. And a killer schedule now is somehow going to change that.

........HA! I've put them out there. They're big and scary and they've been running my life. They might continue to exist but it's not about me anymore. That's all bullshit, Hurt programming and...nothing much else, really.

Over and Getting Back into: It

Today was the first day of school. I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole thing. I walked in feeling pretty good because I woke up in my hotel and had breakfast with my Mama. Put on a pretty spiffy outfit and did okay in my first classes (one was even canceled!) and then....Wind Ensemble. *sigh* If only I actually wanted to be there. Not going to lie, though. I do have fun. It's usually because of my section mates. The music is alright. I'm not even all that bothered by Evan being there. It's just the whole energy of it really doesn't sit well with me or something. Whatever. I did get to eat before my lesson which was good. I was however, accosted by the aforementioned outside while texting someone. Gah. For the first time, I wanted him to go away. I don't think he reads this anymore but I wouldn't care if he did or not so, I'm not even sure why I mention it. I've made a lot of decisions (without checking in first) mainly for my benefit. I don't know if they're going to last. This break helped me to get some clarity. I'm further along in the process than I was though not as far as I'd like. Oh well.

The thought that has been running through my head pretty much non stop right now is:

So, this is my life right now.

I don't know if there are negative or positive feelings behind that. Maybe that's a good thing. Neutrality is way better than what I've been feeling lately.