Rejection is Exhausting

I run. I rehearse. I come home and eat and then find out that I didn't get into one of the summer programs I've applied to. The first official e-mail I received. And all I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. 

This week has been long. And it's only Wednesday. Last week I practiced a lot. This weekend I practiced a lot. Maybe more than I ever have. My teacher this week tells me I sound tired and that I should take a break. I'm really frustrated that I want to be good and I'm not yet. And that working towards that goal is somehow furthering me from it. I sound bad a lot of the time. This makes me angry. I desire to be good. And not just good enough but great. I guess it will eventually happen. Grad school auditions are only a few months away and I'm not ready. I think about this every day...

A little off but not out

Today was the first day in a bit of a while that I have not worked out. It is what it is I suppose. I was productive in other ways. I applied to 2 more summer programs and filed my taxes online. I've also been keeping a detailed practice log which makes me sound like I don't practice as much as I thought I did. I guess I'm only keeping track of my time horn-to-face which isn't really fair because breaks are an effective part of practice. I've been going to the symphony a lot lately, which sort of exacerbates my desire to become great. I think I'm done with this mediocrity. Okay.

I feel strangely today and I'm not sure why. It might be because of my lack of exercise. Or because after going to the symphony last night, I stayed up with friends until 2:00 am. Or it might be because I've given up fish for Lent. It's been about 11 days and I've been trying to increase my protein intake and eat a more diverse diet. I've also been experimenting with eating outside of my usual fare for dinner. Tofu has helped immensely in this exploit.  

There was an earthquake in Chile. Upsetting for a number of reasons, not just the tragedy that I'm sure is still occuring there. A tsunami is or was apparently supposed to hit the coast of California. I thought yesterday that something strange was looming in the future. Maybe this is it. I'm not really sure what's going on but the waves seem to be more than just physical and water. 

I believe that sex

should never hurt someone else. Even if you enjoy it. Coming from where I've been, I know what it's like to be inadvertently told that you're worthless so penetratingly. I just wish it was 2008 and we could do it all over again. And maybe get it right this time. Ugh, today has been a long day...I just broke my necklace, I feel like crying and I want to go to sleep and wake up never. 

THIS IS PUBLIC

and I would do well to remember that. A simple google search of my name can yield results that I hadn't realized that I was unprepared for. Oh well, it's all out in the open now. Everyone has access to this, including the folks I might be discussing. That's what I get for not respecting the power of the interwebs. It's a series of tubes, really. 

Thud.

So, I finished recording everything. I've ended up applying to the Atlantic Brass Seminar, the Menlo Summer Brass Institute and the Bar Harbor Brass week. As well as doing a live audition Tuesday for the National Orchestral Institute. It is what it is. I will play and be judged and what will come of it, I don't know. I hope I get in everywhere, though. That would be nice. My audition CD isn't spectacular, especially according to my teacher. Near the very end of the offstage solo to Pines of Rome there's some background noise from a woman opening and closing a door. At this point, I'm beyond caring. I'd like to go back to growing as a musician instead of freaking out about minor imperfections, take after take after take.

Can't Sleep.

So, I blog instead. I'm starting a pattern, I think. I've been starting those a lot lately. I started oil-pulling, going to the gym on a regular basis, going to school, and writing in my journal again. I hope all of these things are going to benefit me in the long run. Hoo boy, the long run. I think that's what is keeping me up at night. According to my horoscope and Rob Brezny, for the first half of 2010 my calling will whisper seductively as I go to sleep. It will agitate me with its rippling commands to spring into action. The whole deal is that I can't sleep because I'm obsessing over these damn summer program audition CDs that are due February 1st and the National Orchestral Institute audition on tuesday. And then I can start to think about getting back to fundamentals and my junior recital. And just think, this time next year I'll know where I'm going to grad school. Ugggghhhh I hope I'm ready. I hope I get it. I think tonight was a series of signs but, I've yet to interpret them. I don't know how to achieve my purpose. I know what it is but, I just don't know how to do it yet. Story of my life. I'll figure it out. I just have to set very clear goals. 

First Day of School

And naturally, I dressed up. 'Tis what I do. 

I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it through my mondays. I have class straight from 11:00am until 10:00pm. No breaks whatsoever. Everything else is golden and wonderful. Tomorrow is another day. I'll have gaps to converse with friends and eat and the like, but today not so much. 

Depressing lesson this morning (is it bad that I don't want to communicate with my teacher) I get oddly panicked when I get a text message every now and then, afraid that it's either my roommate with a passive aggressive plea for cleanliness or him with some new way of hounding me to be better than I am already.

 

I ate cookies today, after two weeks straight of gymmin' it up and eating right. I feel ambivalent. 

Also, saw a picture of my ex on the infamous book of faces. Hoping not to run into him during this school year. Or, ya know, ever. Really, Really now? It's been a year. Get the fuck over it already. 

Auditions in a week. I'll go and try my best. Trying to be positive. Apparently, it's "competitive out there" says my teacher who was out teaching master classes this whole break. 

I should probably go to sleep but, reading this HILARIOUS blog prompted me to write this somewhat erratic post in hopes that I can one day look back and laugh at how fucked up I was. 

Not taking any classes credit/no credit this semester. We'll see how that goes. 

And.....SCENE.